Ex cheated on me before we split, found out after

woeful

OK, brief background. Been with fiancee 7 years. We have a 4 year old son. The split was some time coming, we both were thinking about it. She put it to me about 5 weeks ago. I decided to split 1 week ago. She was upset even tho she'd been thinking about it too.

Now, she has a mate that lived here, but moved to Australia years ago, he comes back every 3 or 4 years for 4 weeks or so. He was here in April, left on 1st May, 3 weeks before the split. They did spend one night away which i wasnt happy about but couldnt do much.

1 week after we split, she leaves her mobile out, she has messages off him saying how much he wants her, she's his proncess etc etc. She had sent him 2 messages before we split too, also 1 week after he left, saying how much she needed him.

I confronted her, she admitted they'd had sex and she'd fallen in love with him. Asked why she didn't tell me. Apparently was assessing which of us she wanted, and hadnt plucked up the courage.

Needless to say, i got irate, said a lot of things i shouldn't have.

Problem I have is, the fact they had sex b4 the split hurts a lot. Also jealous that she has this new person, even if its long distance for the next 2 or 3 years. Also, tho I can't put out of my mind what happened, I think I want her back, but how can I.

Utterly confused.

One more piece of info, we have a mortgage together so we still live in the same house as neither can afford to move.

can anyone throw anything useful at me please.

Victor

Sounds rough. You should find someone to talk to family or friend and just talk, saying these things out loud actually does help.

woeful wrote:

One more piece of info, we have a mortgage together so we still live in the same house as neither can afford to move.

AFAIK, seeing as you are not married, it is relatively straightforward, either one of you buys the other out or you both sell. If you were married the pattern would tend to be that one parent and the child(ren) get the house until the child(ren) is 18.

St Bill

Hi woeful, I'm sorry to hear about the split. It's never easy to get through something like that, and on top of that you have the added hurt of knowing she was unfaithful.
Well first of all, I think that your fiancee wasn't out to hurt you. I get the impression that she doesn't know what she wants. Unfortunately, this resulted in her sleeping with the wizard of oz.
If you still want you and your fiancee to get back together, you'll have to talk. Find out where things went wrong and why you decided to split. All you can do is give it your best shot. Going by your post, it sounds like you don't want to let this go.
I hope it all works out for you and your family, all the best

Oryx

You say the split was some time coming and you both thought about it. So things were definitely not good, right? But now shes gone, and even worse, to another man, and all of a sudden your having second thoughts. You really need to think clearly about why you are having these second thoughts.

Its very easy when you break up to only reflect only on when it was good, and you have the added complication of seeing her go off into the sunset, happy, with another man, while you suffer the brunt of the breakup. You have to try and forget the hurt you feel, because trying to argue and hurt her wont make things any easier to bear, its just allowing you to vent anger pointlessly.

The other guy happening says to me she wasnt happy with you and allowed herself to fall for someone else. I wouldnt be trying to get her back right now, if she does go back shes likely to be half hearted and confused.
Perhaps give it a month or two and try to keep things civil, then see how you both feel.

For what its worth, it sucks, and I wish you better times.

LegacyUser

My friend, let me start by saying how sorry I am that you've been landed in such a situation, it's a terrible place to be.

I really don't think that you want to get back with this woman, you weren't happy in the relationship and she slept with someone else. That's all you need to know, I know that right now you're hurt and lonely and that you have a son to think about, but it's far better to end this and to find someone who truely can make you happy. By all means analyse what went wrong with your relationship, so that you can have a better one in the future, but her having cheated on you is a poison in this relationship that you won't be able to fix. You already know all the stuff about trust being the foundation of a relationship, and if you get back with her you'll have none, it'd be easier to start again with someone else than trying to repair this. As for your son, it's far better the two of you be apart and happy than together and miserable, that'll screw him up one hell of a lot more.

It's tough I know, but maybe you'll find that what you miss isn't being with your ex, it's being with someone who cares about you, repects you and who you can depend on. This ain't her. Best of luck Buddy.

CabanSail

You are now single & free.

Enjoy it!

Have some fun & bring a few 'friends' over to stay the night. She can hardly object & she cannot do the same as she has hopped straight into another relationship.

seastar

CabanSail wrote:

Have some fun & bring a few 'friends' over to stay the night. She can hardly object & she cannot do the same as she has hopped straight into another relationship.

Hardly the best advice - the have a 4 year old son together and still live in the same house!

mel123

A break up is always hard, and even when it is a long time coming when it actually happens its never as easy as you think. In my experinece, when u go thru a break up, u always think of the good times u had with that person, not the bad times that were making you miserable, and that seems to be what is happening now. Seeing as she is the mother of your child you are going to have to have contact with her, even if/when u move out. My advise, try and get over it and see how u get on, if you do get back with her you are never going to forget the fact that she slept with another man, and you probably can never trust her again!!