Long Distance Love

LegacyUser

Been seeing a guy I met through work since January. (I'm 25, he's 28).
However I am based in the UK, and him in Bulgaria.
I do love him very much, and him me, but I am finding the distance very hard. Because of work we will only be able to see each other around 4 times a year.
We do text and email a lot, but both of us are crap on the phone so don't speak very often.
He has never said that he finds the distance hard - he doesn't like it obviously, but he doesn't struggle with it like I do.
I have booked flights to Romania to see him the end of June for 10 days.
But what I am thinking is should I just face the music now and not go?
I know the odds are well stacked against us, and am thinking now that it will be even harder to go there and see him, and fall even more in love with him.
What do you think? Should I just cut my losses now and always be what if? Or just see what happens and face the pain?

Marksie

Decisions wrote:

What do you think? Should I just cut my losses now and always be what if? Or just see what happens and face the pain?

I am going to go with instinct here on this, and also the fact that i did have a long distance realtionship in the past.

No one knows entirely what the future brings. To some extent you will have to go with what your gut (not your heart or head) tells you.

In not going you are effectively closing the door on something, which however brief it may or may not be, will be something to hold in your heart.
In going you do see the possibility that it may be bittersweet. It may hurt to leave, but in this you should live in the now, be open to it and go.

In not going you will regret it. In going you will have the joy and sadness, but you will have experienced both.
Milton had it right in his often quoted statement of love and loss.

Of course, odds are always there to be beaten in any event. A very dear friend of mine said that it is possible to love an eternity in a single night.

Go, do not think about the end, but allow each day to pass right into you. Let the future take care of itself

Edit: My situation was very similar (4 times a year) , but i have no regrets

Oryx

You are giving yourself a lot of hard work. Of course, because youll only see him 4 times a year, itll be like a honeymoon for you both everytime you see each other. Its great if all you want is a really good time in short bursts. But it makes your relationship a bit artificial and its harder for you to work out if its good because your suited, or because the distance keeps ye gagging for each other. And the angst between meet-ups will break your heart.


Remember there is more than one Jack for every Jill, just because he could be the one, doesnt mean there arent more guys who would be perfect for you closer to home.

SarahSassy

Been there and bought the t-shirt and in my case it only resulted in life (i.e. my love life) being suspended for a couple of years. I was so focussed around the trips when we finally finished I realised I had missed the chance to meet someone closer to home..... In saying that I had some fantastic trips but the highs and lows and the sheer pain when leaving / he is leaving are not worth it for me.

I do know it can work but I also know some people are more suited to it than others. Only you know if you can live with the rollercoaster of emotions ...

Also imagine you continue for a few more years, is there an opportunity for one of you to move to the other one??? If this is not possible then frankly IMO there is no point continuing.

Go on your trip, enjoy it and talk to him when you are there.

Ruu_Old

I've done the long distance thing (her in the US, me in Ireland so around 3,500 miles away). Work was good that it allowed me to travel fairly often despite being expensive. We were apart a good amount of time but worked through it. We just passed our 3 year wedding anniversary a few days ago and are living happily here. Of course things don't always work out that way.

Don't go into this half hearted, if you have any doubts then I would cut my losses and move on, that is just my opinion. It can work but is alot of work as I'm sure you are well aware of. If you want to know more about my story then you can send me a PM if you want. (I think you'll have to register a nickname).
I would go ahead with the trip anyway and see how it goes. Best of luck.

funloving

i met my actual bf 2 years ago on holidays.he's Irish and I am Italian...we are still together and it's true a long distance love can be a rollercoaster of emotions but every story can be like that...if he is the right person for you and you are the one for him too...it will last..don't give in when it will be hard,when you'll need to have him by your side physically..

JuanJose

Would agree with funloving - I met my Spanish girlfriend (me being Irish) on the net & travelled to meet her in July 2002. Distance was a killer for us both after that (I feel it was harder on her). She came to Ireland for 4 days in late October - and ended up staying for 10 months! We're still happily together & currently living in Spain.
I would go with your gut instinct as regards the trip. If you both feel right for each other, the chestnut of getting it together & living in the same country is best discussed and sorted out sooner rather than later. After all, long-distance can't go on forever.

Nordie

Go for it, what have you to lose. If you don't go through with this you will always wonder. What's there to lose and remember, no pain no gain.

togster

Hej OP
I am also was in a long distancer too. For two years we commuted back and forth to ireland and Sweden. Last week I moved here. Don't close the door you may regret it.
Best of Luck
T

evil27

I thought it happend only to me . I am with my bf for a year, we see each other few times/year, but we chat and see each other entire day thanks to skype. We are deciding where is better to live together now and we plan to meet soon again. We are so in love and we are great together, a team.
So I think you should go for it and see what happens. Best of luck.

funloving

now thanks to skype, mobile phones,ryanair is easier to be in touch and to meet often...well it's never too much for me.
Anyway the distance can't last forever so one of you will decide to move.
I moved to Ireland last year but now I am living back in Italy due to a master I can only attend here...what the f...!
I am the typical girl who needs to have her bf close and this distance is driving me insane but I won't give up coz I may regret it one day.
Best of luck

evil27

Why don't u move together?
For me its a work permit problem...

Beruthiel

Decisions wrote:

I do love him very much, and him me, but I am finding the distance very hard.

Have either of ye ever thought about moving closer to the other?
Jobs come and go, that special person doesn't.

evil27

Yes, I wanted to ask that too, cos they have met through work..maybe one of them could transfer to the other country...if they have offices in Ireland and Bulgaria as well.

neuro-praxis

Marksie wrote:

Milton had it right in his often quoted statement of love and loss.

Actually, it was from Alfred Lord Tennyson's poem In Memoriam. But I am with you on the sentiments. There's no love without risk!

muppetkiller

I think you should end it. Sorry but If you can't speak on the phone then there's something wrong somewhere.
Long distance realtionships survive on your ability to hold conversations and loving the sound of each others voices. I was seeing a girl in Australia for 3 years but the first 7 months were phone/text/email based. Once we were speaking it was great.
Then I went out with a girl in Galway while I was living in Cork. We had nothing to talk about on the phone but emailed everyday. When I finally did move back to Galway I found we had as little to talk about in person as we did on the phone. But everyone is different so it may work out for you...
Go with your gut feeling anyway ..

pwd

Yes one or both of you need to move so you can live near each other for it to work in my opinion.
But you only met him in January and it's been long-distance, so I guess you haven't spent a long time together.
There can be a holiday effect for this sort of thing. One person puts the other person into the context of a holiday - something fun to escape too - not something to assimulate into their life.
Even without the holiday effect, it takes a long time to really get another person. The person you know in the first few months of a relationship might be the same person as you know years later (or may not be) but you certainly won't have seen or understood every dimension of their personality.
Notwithstanding he could still be right for you. Men tend to stay loyal to partners far away than women, who tend to move on if they don't see the other person enough.
You should think about arranging some way for you to be able to live locally if you want to pursue things. But you should accept that it's a risk, and be ready to accept any sacrifices you make to do so - and if you do make sacrifices make them for yourself - don't feel he owes you something for them.
If you think you'd rather risk it than never know - then go ahead and have no regrets. If you can't accept the possibility of making changes to see him and it not working with the two of you then break it off.

LegacyUser

My boyfriend and I have been together almost a year now, we met last summer when i was on holiday in Germany, where he is from. I had my final year in college to complete, so he visited two or three times each semester, and i was over there for nearly two months over Christmas and another month at easter...I'm moving over there for good in 16days. You both have to be on the same page emotionally in your relationship, and both absolutely committed to making it work, both while apart and when one joins the other...which is a must if you're planning a future together. A relationship of this sort can't function on the same level as one with your granny who you see every month or so, it's only natural for the two of you to be near eachother for the care, support and (yes!) attention that a couple needs and wants from each other.

TinCool

I met my g/f at a halloween party 2.5 years ago. I'm from Ireland, she's from England. We've been doing the back and forth thing since then. I'm moving over to England in July. Although I guess it's slightly different as England is only a stones throw away. But as has been suggested by a couple of posters, you really need to sit down and talk about whether either of you are willing to move, if not, then you are only kidding yourselves if you think the relationship has any future.

TC

Firetrap

I know it's early days but you're going to have to look down the road and imagine what things will be like then? Will either of you ever be in a position to live closer to each other. Eventually something has to give. Besides, because you're not actually meeting each other most days, you're not really getting to know each other well. It's all well and good to phone/text/email but hanging around someone in person is the only way to gauge whether things are going well.

I've a friend who was in your boat. Eventually she ended it because neither she nor her boyfriend was in a position to move and that situation wasn't going to change anytime soon.

BigTommyBomb

It doesn't work. After two weeks the balls kick in and men will just end up cheating. A horrible cycle of cheating, regret and painful desire for the woman you want. Its just horrible.

axer

BigTommyBomb wrote:

It doesn't work. After two weeks the balls kick in and men will just end up cheating. A horrible cycle of cheating, regret and painful desire for the woman you want. Its just horrible.

Great generalisation. Its a good thing men have you as their spokesman :rolleyes:

Sherifu

BigTommyBomb wrote:

It doesn't work. After two weeks the balls kick in and men will just end up cheating. A horrible cycle of cheating, regret and painful desire for the woman you want. Its just horrible.

What kind of stupid throwaway comment is this?
Everone is different, some people actually can and will wait,
without jumping on the first thing that comes along.

LegacyUser

Thankyou everybody! ur advice is priceless and i have been thinking it over for the last few days. I am going to go and see him and in the 10 days we are together try not to think about leaving, however before i do leave to go back home i know that we have to come up with a plan. It is more viable for him to move over here but it is very earlly days and as one person said we dont know the ins and outs of eachother yet. There is always that saying that something you cant have you want more...... However i dont think this is the case as i know i love him, its a funny feeling that i have never felt before, there is something differnt about this one! We do speak to eachother on the phone but sometimes it is difficult as things get lost in translation! however a few back he knew i was having a hard day and missing him lots and we spoke for 2hrs and he made it all feel better.

Thankyou again for all your advice and when im back i will post a message to tell you all the outcome, you never know stranger things have happend and maybe it will work!

Marksie

Bigtommybomb, axer, rkm. On topic please.

DD

Are you meeting in Romania?

Decisions wrote:

however a few back he knew i was having a hard day and missing him lots and we spoke for 2hrs and he made it all feel better.
Thank you again for all your advice and when im back i will post a message to tell you all the outcome, you never know stranger things have happend and maybe it will work!

funloving

The most important thing in a long distance love is being honest,loyal and always telling the truth.
I know sometimes can be hard but, since all you can share are words and emotions..at least these have to be real and really strong
All the best



sorry for my bad English...as some people have told me

DD

Hey, are u back from your trip? have u been to Romania?
tell us details

funloving wrote:

The most important thing in a long distance love is being honest,loyal and always telling the truth.
I know sometimes can be hard but, since all you can share are words and emotions..at least these have to be real and really strong