Does our happiness depend on our relationships?

LadyJ

Just something I've noticed recently; The majority of PI posts are to do with romantic relationships. Either written by people who are distraught over a break-up or worried about a new relationship, pleasing their partner etc. The list goes on and on.

Now, I know that having my heart broken initially affects me in a far worse way than the death of close family members (though I am aware that the emotions attached to the latter can be more deep-rooted and can manifest themselves in roundabout ways). Anyway, my question is this:

Is the majority of our life's happiness based on our romantic relationships? I mean why do we seem to let this kind of thing get to us more than losing a job or losing a parent even? Why are we always so caught up in relationship questions and worries?

zuutroy

LadyJ wrote:

Now, I know that having my heart broken initially affects me in a far worse way than the death of close family members

Thats slightly odd IMO! There's far worse things....Maybe blokes are different though

LadyJ

zuutroy wrote:

Thats slightly odd IMO! There's far worse things....Maybe blokes are different though

As I said, I reckon that dealing with death is harder in the long run as it can manifest itself in numerous ways but the breakdown of a relationship is always much more distressing initially.

biko

Don't know about others but I tend to not put 100% of my love into just the girl. I will always make sure I stay very close to my circle of friends.

If you put all your energy into a relationship, not only does it kill you when they end - you also lose friends and close people around you.

whiskeyman

I guess it's due to the intensity of some relationships.
Your partner can be your closest person - you see them the most, and are in touch with them the most, moreso that other friends or family.
Love & Belonging (part of Maslows hierarchy of needs) are key parts to our contentment, and taking a close chunk away can hurt us in the short term, but we learn to focus them among friends and family, or perhaps back on a new partner.

metaoblivia

Since I have a post in PI about romantic relationships, I'll chime in.
Relationships are personal and involve rejection. Losing your job is a rejection, but it usually isn't personal - it's either a failure on your part to do what's expected or the company simply has to cut back. Someone close to you dying is traumatic and personal (and I would say more awful than a relationship gone wrong), but doesn't involve a direct rejection.
When someone breaks up with you, or doesn't want to have a relationship with you, it's a rejection of you as a person, and that's really hard to take, because if they don't want you, who else will? It can be a hard blow to come back from.

That's why I think relationships take up so much of our time and energy.
The romance department hasn't been much fun for me, unfortunately. But that aside, I'm happy. I like my job, have great friends, am making good progress at school. I don't feel like I need someone in my life. In fact, sometimes I feel like if I had someone, my life would be too crowded.
I don't think every aspect of every life is ever perfect. There's always a struggle somewhere, there's always contradictions, there's always exceptions. Overall, I'm a happy person who's love life could be better, but I'm dealing with it as it is now, and enjoying the rest of my life in the meantime.

tallaght01

I think metaoblivia is spot on. In my opinion, those who get absoloutely knocked for 6 when a relationship breaks down do so often because it's like a rejection of you as a person. When somebody dies, they don't reject you as a person, they just lost the fight against illness. Often when somebody dumps you, they are the person who is closest to you and spends most time with you. They may live with you, sleep with you, they often know everything about you. Then they decided they don't want you. That's pretty tough to deal with, especially if you don't have a lot of self confidence in the first place.

Having said that, as you get older it's probably less of a drama. I know I did the whole emo thing when relationships broke up in my late teens/early 20s, but I'm pretty thick skinned about the whole process now

LadyJ

And here's another question, if one has a dream job, great friends, lots of money is surrounded by a loving family, why is all of this practically canceled out by a failed relationship? I mean I've seen people who have it all become suicidal over a relationship gone wrong and starve themselves while pining over someone (and I'm not talking about people in their 20s, I'm talking 30s and 40s too). Is love really all we need?

metaoblivia

LadyJ wrote:

And here's another question, if one has a dream job, great friends, lots of money is surrounded by a loving family, why is all of this practically canceled out by a failed relationship? I mean I've seen people who have it all become suicidal over a relationship gone wrong and starve themselves while pining over someone. Is love really all we need?

Chemical imbalance maybe? I'm dramatic and I know I have a great capacity to make mountains out of molehills, but I don't understand why people would want to take their own life over it. Emotions can override logic and often do in a relationship, but maybe some people have difficulty seeing the bigger picture.

tallaght01

LadyJ wrote:

And here's another question, if one has a dream job, great friends, lots of money is surrounded by a loving family, why is all of this practically canceled out by a failed relationship? I mean I've seen people who have it all become suicidal over a relationship gone wrong and starve themselves while pining over someone (and I'm not talking about people in their 20s, I'm talking 30s and 40s too). Is love really all we need?

I don't think there's a one-size-fits-all answer here. BUT, I would imagine that you're gonna feel hurt when a relationship breaks up, regardless of who you are or what you have. But, I'd imagine a person who has lots of friends and surrounded by loving family would get over it easier than somebody who doesn't have many people close to them. I remember many years ago I split up with a girl who I really liked, but I was stuck in the UK for months, with a lot of people I didn't know too well. It took me ages to get over her. But once I got home to Dublin for a few weeks, it was all better pretty quickly.

LadyJ

tallaght01 wrote:

I don't think there's a one-size-fits-all answer here. BUT, I would imagine that you're gonna feel hurt when a relationship breaks up, regardless of who you are or what you have. But, I'd imagine a person who has lots of friends and surrounded by loving family would get over it easier than somebody who doesn't have many people close to them. I remember many years ago I split up with a girl who I really liked, but I was stuck in the UK for months, with a lot of people I didn't know too well. It took me ages to get over her. But once I got home to Dublin for a few weeks, it was all better pretty quickly.

I just mean that I've known people, both old and young who have it all and still became suicidal or went into years of deep depression over relationships. I just think that it is strange how one aspect of our lives can rule all others.

tallaght01

LadyJ wrote:

I just mean that I've known people, both old and young who have it all and still became suicidal or went into years of deep depression over relationships. I just think that it is strange how one aspect of our lives can rule all others.

I'm probably the wrong bloke to give an opinion on this matter. Coz I'm such a legend, that any burd who dumps me must be barking. Therefore, I don't get too wound up about it :P

biko

LadyJ wrote:

I just mean that I've known people, both old and young who have it all and still became suicidal or went into years of deep depression over relationships. I just think that it is strange how one aspect of our lives can rule all others.

I think you are confusing romance with recognition.
All people yearn to feel wanted and needed. If you let a single person provide all of your emotional support you'll fall very hard indeed if that support is removed.
Rejection is a bitch.

Bottle_of_Smoke

I suppose when we get dumped it does a few things,

First you lose the person.

Secondly your ego's damaged.

Also (kinda similar) you feel humiliated & self loathing.

The second two aren't likely to happen so much with the death of a family member.

Maybe the awful feelings motivate us to replace the person we've lost. Would be quite successful for evolutionary reasons.

caesar

metaoblivia wrote:

Since I have a post in PI about romantic relationships, I'll chime in.
Relationships are personal and involve rejection. Losing your job is a rejection, but it usually isn't personal - it's either a failure on your part to do what's expected or the company simply has to cut back. Someone close to you dying is traumatic and personal (and I would say more awful than a relationship gone wrong), but doesn't involve a direct rejection.
When someone breaks up with you, or doesn't want to have a relationship with you, it's a rejection of you as a person, and that's really hard to take, because if they don't want you, who else will? It can be a hard blow to come back from.

That's why I think relationships take up so much of our time and energy.
The romance department hasn't been much fun for me, unfortunately. But that aside, I'm happy. I like my job, have great friends, am making good progress at school. I don't feel like I need someone in my life. In fact, sometimes I feel like if I had someone, my life would be too crowded.
I don't think every aspect of every life is ever perfect. There's always a struggle somewhere, there's always contradictions, there's always exceptions. Overall, I'm a happy person who's love life could be better, but I'm dealing with it as it is now, and enjoying the rest of my life in the meantime.

Spot on! I'd say I'm the same in terms of being happy. I've enjoyed 1st year in college, made new friends and all that, still have my friends from school etc., my family and my dog of course . I'm starting a summer job next week, I'll be working in Dublin for four weeks and then in Portugal for four weeks, then I've my sisters wedding, then a bunch of other things.... and then back to college, all of which are going to be great. So yeah of course I'm happy but at the same time the romance department hasn't being all that much fun for me either and thats on my mind a lot of the time.

I think romantic relationships play a big part in peoples lives because essentially its you and one other person. As people have already said it's about being accepted by them but it's more than that.....when your in a romantic relationship you build up a relationship with that person in which you can express your feelings towards them in a number of ways other than the ways you would with anyone else(I won't go into details ). They are the only person you can be intimate with and they become the biggest influence on your life aside from any of your family or friends. Am I making any sense at all?

nesf

LadyJ wrote:

I just mean that I've known people, both old and young who have it all and still became suicidal or went into years of deep depression over relationships. I just think that it is strange how one aspect of our lives can rule all others.

Similar things happen to people who lose jobs, houses, someone close to them through death etc.


Things that make you feel bad, make you feel bad. That's about the go of it really.

challengemaster

Charles Deveaux, Heroes wrote:

In the end, Love is all we have.

mabbeh? :rolleyes:

Ahhhhhh being in love! Nothing can compare!

patrickolee

metaoblivia wrote:

Since I have a post in PI about romantic relationships, I'll chime in.
Relationships are personal and involve rejection. Losing your job is a rejection, but it usually isn't personal - it's either a failure on your part to do what's expected or the company simply has to cut back. Someone close to you dying is traumatic and personal (and I would say more awful than a relationship gone wrong), but doesn't involve a direct rejection.
When someone breaks up with you, or doesn't want to have a relationship with you, it's a rejection of you as a person, and that's really hard to take, because if they don't want you, who else will? It can be a hard blow to come back from.

Damn, I was going to say more or less exactly the same. Quite right meta, relationship breakdown is a personality rejection, death happens and is unavoidable.

kmick

LadyJ wrote:

Is love really all we need?

Not according to Maslow
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maslow's_hierarchy_of_needs

Tar.Aldarion

Having written essays on why Maslow is wrong, you shouldn't follow it.


There is nothing worse than being hurt by somebody you have fallen in love with, well for me, as I care for somebody else more than myself. It's not that we/I need relationships to be happy, it's that they can just make you really sad.