Friend cheating on friend - advice needed

wet-paint

Straight from Dawson's Creek.
A friend of mine is after coming to me with something he's been hinting at for a while now, basically saying I should do something about it. One of my better friends, B, a guy, is off foreign for the year, and going out with a girl, C who's still at home. Apparently she's cheating on him, and has been for pretty much all the time he's been away. It's kind of getting pushed into my lap that I sort it out and let him know.

First off, I don't think I'm the best person to do it. All the info I have about her indiscretions is second hand, coming from the original friend who told me, and other girls who've seen her scoring another guy in nightclubs. So I'd have to go to C, the girl in question, and confront her. She's a good mate of mine too. Tell her it's common knowledge she's ****ing around, and urge her to come clean with the bf. I'm REALLY not looking forward to that conversation.
Give her a week, and if not, I'm going straight to B and telling him about it.

TV tells me the right thing to do is tell him, but everyone else will tell me not to stick my nose in, they're my friends, but I think it's BECAUSE they're my friends that I should sort it out. All the girls who have borne witness to the cheating are pissed with the girl about it, but won't do anything about it, or don't know the cuckold well enough.

I tried meeting her for lunch today and confronting her about it, but I couldn't do it, and just had a good chat about other things. Dammit, I feel caught between a rock and a hard place. Fscking hell, this is hard.
Opinions or advice people?
WP

marie_85

Personally, I'd stay well out of it. It's their relationship and neither will appreciate you getting involved. Maybe tell her to be more discreet, but that's it.

wet-paint

Really? The main thing driving me on, is how I'd feel if I were in his place, I'd be gutted, but appreciate whoever told me. If I came home and found out, and also found out that everyone knew and said nothing, I'd be well pissed.

marie_85

When is he due back home? As I said, it's just me, but if they're both good friends of yours, you don't want to get mixed up in this. Telling the boyfriend is essentially choosing sides. The truth has a habit of coming out anyway and you don't know what's going to happen when the boyfriend comes home. For all you know, he could be seeing other people too or their relationship could change when he comes home so that they end up breaking up anyway. A year is a long time to be away from each other.

Fanny Cradock

A few things spring to mind:

1) Can you say for certain that your travelling friend hasn't been doing the same? It may be an 'open relationship' until he returns;

2) The buck is being unfairly passed to you i.e., you have not been witness to any, er, indiscretion, yet you are asked to do the difficult part. Logically it seems the onus regarding confronting her about her cheating rests with the persons who have actually seen her at it. It is unfair that your friends should ask you to take the brunt of the inevitable fallout when you are only hearing second-hand info;

3) Telling her to be more discrete in her cheating ways is a horrendous piece of advice. Really, marie_85, I don't even know where to begin explaining how much of an affront that would be to the friendship between the OP and her travelling friend.

It really is a difficult one, but I think you should have a chat with your friends and get them to elect one person to lend support to you. More than two people confronting her would be seen as judgemental and intimidating, imo.

If she is that brazen about doing the dirt then she obviously doesn't give a toss. Assuming you can be sure of the info you have been given, and you understand the dynamics of their relationship, then I think you really only have one option: confront her, but do it gently!

Doodee

just let her know that you know as do a few others.
Dont do it like a lecture or threatening, but just as passing conversation. If the gf knows that others know then she will be forced to think about it.
Its better to let couples make decisions for themselve rather than playing the hero.

AngryBadger

Eh sory, why exactly is this YOUR problem? At best all I'd be inclined to do is maybe let your friend know his girlfriend is cheating on him, and to be honest I don't think I'd even do that until he returns home.

Someone else telling you, and expecting you to do something about it is a bit rich for my tastes.

marie_85

Fanny Cradock wrote:

3) Telling her to be more discrete in her cheating ways is a horrendous piece of advice. Really, marie_85, I don't even know where to begin explaining how much of an affront that would be to the friendship between the OP and her travelling friend.

lol. Sorry, I realise I didn't explain myself clearly beforehand. What I meant was that if the OP found it really necessary to say something to the girlfriend, (s)he should say something like they're not making judgement on what she's doing, but that people are taking notice and to spare the boyfriend's feelings, she shouldn't be so brazen about cheating. That may shock her into copping on. I didn't mean for them to give her tips on how to cheat more efficiently. The OPs dilemma here really came about due to the girlfriend not being discreet in what she is up to, so I don't think telling her to tone it down is that out of order.

AngryBadger

wet-paint wrote:

All the girls who have borne witness to the cheating are pissed with the girl about it, but won't do anything about it

Sorry I just saw that, how lovely for them. Must be tough for them to breathe up there on the mountain...

wet-paint

Some more info.
He's back mid July, and she's off to Thailand for the summer this day week. I've been mulling on this for the last ten days or so, but only found out that she was leaving yesterday.
I'm certain he's not cheating, I've been on Gtalk to him, and he's full of love and emotion and sincerity yadda yadda . He told me that she wants to break it off for the summer, as it'd be hard on him to be here while she's away. This smacks of wanting a ticket to no guiltsville.

Regarding having another person to back me up, I really like that idea, it really lets me relax, even thinking about it, so I don't feel so awful talking to her about it.
And the weird thing is, she's all full of "He's so great, he came home to see me, we're doing loads of couply stuff etc." she's a really nice girl, and the slag image really doesn't fit at all, but I've heard it from too many sources for it not to be true.

The guy who came to me with the info in the first place said that he didn't know the guy in question well enough to say anything to him, but now as I come to think of it, he does know the girl very well, and I'm wondering why he said nothing to her before.


But this might all get taken out of my hands soon enough, as she's leaving town to go home for a few days before shipping off to Thailand. I still feel I should do something, and yet also will feel relieved when she's gone.
[edit] For some reason I think people think I'm a girl. I'm a guy.

biko

Hearsay is not enough. Either a real witness brings it up or not at all.

Saintly

The idea of two friends sitting down with this girl to confront her with their moral outrage about her choices is so patronising. You have heard some rumours. THAT'S IT. You haven't seen anything yourself so I don't see why you are involving yourself in this. It is up to the people who have witnessed her indiscretions (and are apparently so outraged) to speak to her about it. Stop listening to hearsay and ask yourself why other people are willing to push this into your lap. Do you have a reputation for getting involved in issues that don't directly concern you?

Finally, who appointed you moral policeman? Talking to C about it is one thing, giving her ultimatums (either you tell him in a week or I will) and judging her motives 'a ticket to no guiltsville' is not my definition of friendship.You have hung, drawn, quartered this girl and decided your line of attack, based on gossip and you haven't even had the decency to speak with her (as opposed to preach at her.)

Tread carefully.

Saintly.

togster

I've been in this situation before. Not a friend but a relative. Any way i told that person that they were being cheated on. Same person thanked me for telling them and broke up. Fast forward two months later and they are back together. I got left out in the cold. Look if you think its the right thing to do then do it. I know i would want to know.
Good luck!
T

LegacyUser

'Under no circumstances tell him!He is perfectly happy not knowing and you could embarrass him into dumping a girl that he might be really happy with and have a future with. Yes cheating is a bad thing, but you don't even know for certain if she is. A year is a long time to be away. if he was still here and she was cheating and making a fool out of him in front of all his friends then maybe he should be told, but certainly not in this circumstance. it is absolutely none of your business and i don't think anyone will thank you for the hurt that interfering will cause.'

LegacyUser

'A similiar situation happened in our group of friends 2 years ago and I was the unlucky person that was being cheated on. Well the best friend of this cheating boyfriend told me what was going on and I have never appreciated honesty so much. To this day the ex still doesn't know who told me and I never plan on telling him. I have so much repect for his friend for telling me. So just another way it can turn out....

OP I would agree that the best way to handle it is to tell the girl that unless she plans on ending the relationship she would want to stop as too many people know already and then it is only a matter of time before it gets back to the boyfriend. That might cop her on and if not then you have to decide are you comfortable looking your male friend in the face knowing what you know. Unless you know the boyfriend won't say anything tho there is a good chance that you may ruin your relationship with this girl. So it depends on what you are comfortable with and whether having a clear mind is worth losing a friendhip and maybe two over it.'

Mighty_Mouse

It's kind of getting pushed into my lap that I sort it out and let him know

These things dont get "pushed" onto someone.
There's just always the type of person who is bothered enough to get involved.

IMO your lining yourself up for losing 2 friends. Their young. One person is travelling. They'll sort it out in the long road.
Avoid the drama.

Who knows - this could of been an unwritten agreement or something

silvine

Sounds like it is none of your business to be honest. Why have you appointed yourself judge and jury? Is it really up to you to be making ultimatums especially when you admit you might not be the best person to do it? If - when - this explodes you could very easily lose you friend.

Jack Bauer999

silvine wrote:

Sounds like it is none of your business to be honest. Why have you appointed yourself judge and jury? Is it really up to you to be making ultimatums especially when you admit you might not be the best person to do it? If - when - this explodes you could very easily lose you friend.

I think i would be majorly pissed off if i knew a good friend of mine knew i
was being cheated on and never told me. In fact if all my friends knew it
would be worse. Is that not what friends do?!?

neuro-praxis

I don't think the OP has appointed themselves judge and jury. I think they are rightly concerned that this guy is being made a fool of.

I would be extremely hurt if my partner was cheating on me, my friends knew and didn't say. In fact, it would probably be the end of those friendships as I wouldn't know who I could trust anymore.

LegacyUser

Is this girl a very good friend of yours? If so, then why can't you just bring it up when you are having a drink or something? No big confrontation, no lecture, just 'so, what's the story?' Granted you are in a tough position because you are friends with both of them, but if this girl and you are close you should be able to talk about things like this.
As was said above, you have absolutely nothing to go on but rumours which all could be crap. If you are really determined to get involved then you have to talk to her. And don't bring backup, 2 against 1 wouldn't be fair.

Stabshauptmann

If you were her friend you should confront her, his friend let him know as soon as possible that theres talk. It sucks to be caught in the position of being both their friends.

Does it bother you enough that shes a cheater to effect your friendship, if so I think the solution becomes obvious. Personally Id tell the travelling friend, you didnt hear it from me, but theres lots of talk about your gf.

He'll prob say it came from you and she'll ask you why stick your nose in, to which its either true, or say who your sources are

0utshined

wet-paint wrote:

He told me that she wants to break it off for the summer, as it'd be hard on him to be here while she's away.

Are you serious? Well if your mate is going for this I would view that as tacit approval of her current behaviour and leave it alone. If not then I would make him aware of what's going on. You know him better than us so are in a better position as to how he'd respond but there are plenty of ways to let him know without directly telling him. I know for sure I would appreciate a friend letting me know were I in that position.

Bottle_of_Smoke

wet-paint wrote:

I'm certain he's not cheating, I've been on Gtalk to him, and he's full of love and emotion and sincerity yadda yadda . He told me that she wants to break it off for the summer, as it'd be hard on him to be here while she's away. This smacks of wanting a ticket to no guiltsville.

Based on this I don't think they'll get back together, if they do tell him then.

If you tell him now he's going to remember he's going to associate his travels with being the cheated on & will feel paranoid everytime he leaves town for something for the rest of his life.

I'd say a huge percentage of people cheat, male & female. Human ****ing nature. He's could have cheated on her for all you know. I'd still be all "full of love & emotion" to everyone if I didn't intend on breaking up. I

It's over now, if it starts up again reconsider your options. You can always do it annonymously & would be easier to take after a few months of time apart.

Also You saw nothing, if you do decide to tell him, just say you've heard a lot of rumours. Which is pretty close to the truth remember.