how r'ship makes you feel

LegacyUser

I'm posting as I'm in the same position as Tractortastic on another thread. I think I need to end my 18mth relationship with my boyfriend for similar reasons. I love him but I'm not in love with him.

I feel like we're just going through the motions. Being with him doesn't 'excite' me..

So, I suppose I'm posting to find out how other people feel in their relationships, how their partner makes them feel.. How 'should' I feel?

Attol

Well nobody can say how you should feel but I'd say happiness would be a major requirement in a relationship. If you're not happy in your situation then I'd say there's a problem. If you feel the whole thing is a bit stale and boring you could try do new things and try recreate the beginning of when you got together by going out on dates again and just not being complacent.

Wibbs

stelbelle wrote:

I feel like we're just going through the motions. Being with him doesn't 'excite' me..

That can happen in the happiest relationships. The real trick is to work out whether it's something at the core of your relationship that is worth saving. If so you can go beyond this and get to an even deeper intimacy.

If that core is not there, then that is not so good. Only you can tell that. Is he your best friend? Is he the first person you think of to tell both good and bad news? Is he someone you just know is always there for you above and beyond friendship? Can you be the worst and best you can be around him with no embarrassment? If so, then there is hope for the two of you.

Be sure of this before you jump ship. I know a few men and women who have split up only to realise sometimes, even years down the line that they may have made a mistake(usually after longer relationships when they're older).

In most cases however it's likely that you have just drifted apart. It happens all the time.

LegacyUser

i felt just like you stelbelle. (I also posted on tractortastics post) I had put it off for long enough. When you think about it it makes no sense, we only live once, and ultimately if we were really happy we wouldnt think of leaving the person, but its not your fault, i think your gut more than rationalising, tells you whats right. also alot of people on this board have posted before that after the break up it would be so easy to get back togerther when both are so upset, lonely and in a way vulnerable, I bore this in mind when i broke up a few days ago as it is true, if you at some stage had a good relationship, to go to the extreme of breaking up is serious and the decision was probably not reached lightly, so im using that now as a reason not to get tempted to go back. I dont see the point in flogging a dead horse.

sweet-rasmus

well, as said there, after 18 months you may both feel different about eachother, especially if you are both young. try to spark things up. but it's up to you to decide when the love is dead. being 'in-love' of course.
perhaps you should ask him how he feels after 18 months, how he's changed of whatnot. not necessarily suggesting to leave the relationship, but just to see how he feels. hearing what he has to say may sort out what you are thinking.

Wibbs

sameboat wrote:

I bore this in mind when i broke up a few days ago as it is true, if you at some stage had a good relationship, to go to the extreme of breaking up is serious and the decision was probably not reached lightly, so im using that now as a reason not to get tempted to go back.

True, but I've also seen people make the decision to break up largely on an unspecified whim or without thinking clearly about it. Hell I have. While the decision to break up is serious, sometimes those issues can be worked out in some cases at least and lead to a better relationship. It's worth a good long look before you leap. This isn't aimed at you sameboat as I think you did think it through clearly, but some don't.

CathyMoran

I think that most relationships go through a dead phase, you just have to decide if you want to try and revitalise the relationship. If you do there are a couple of things that you can do to get the magic back. I found that going out with my friends more and getting more outside interests helped. Also, remembering what made you fall in love in the first place is a good idea. Have special dates out again and remember the fun.

I agree with Wibbs saying about is he your best friend in good and bad times - in the end of the day my husband is the person who has shown his love in the practical things (such as looking after me when I was very ill), it is not all romance and flowers, but I can honestly say that I love him more now than I ever did (and we have had our dead times too but we got through them).

defiantshrimp

stelbelle wrote:

I love him but I'm not in love with him.

If you do break up with him don't use that nonsensical clichéd line.

Wibbs

Agreed and don't use the line "we can still be friends" either for the same reasons and worse.

DublinWriter

stelbelle wrote:

How 'should' I feel?

There's no rules as to how you should feel...how you should feel is how you actually feel.

At least you have the handle on the whole difference between loving someone and being in-love with someone. The two are worlds apart.

Again, there's the whole difference between the 'spark' going out in a relationship and people who aren't really in-love in the first place.

The best thing you could do would be to do what feels right for you.

People change so much up to around their 25th year these days that it's difficult to have any kind of long term relationship/committment going during that period of your life.

LegacyUser

'Thanks for the replies. I suppose the best thing to do is to have an honest talk and see if we can improve things before going for broke. At least then there can be no regrets or what-ifs.

We're so used to each other, it's easy to not make an effort and we're both guilty of that.

Thanks guys.'