They say time heals all wounds

LilKitty

Ok, so the title is a bit cryptic but here's the situation. About a year ago I broke up with my long term boyfriend of almost 4 years, we lived together for most of that time and I really thought he was the one, however I no longer believe in that notion. Nevertheless it's been a year already and I still can't fully seem to get over him, I'm not in love with him anymore but I guess I do still love him and in some way I always will if that makes any sense. The point is I wonder how much longer this feeling will continue to sting me. I am willing to eventually go out on dates and basically move on with my life but very few days go by when the pain doesn't surface. I thought by now it'd be easier and considering this is the first time I've ever actually had my heart broken I don't have any previous reference to draw upon and even if I did every situation is different. Maybe I'm now in love with a memory, I don't know for sure. I just wonder if this feeling will ever go away.:o

Slow Motion

LilKitty wrote:

Ok, so the title is a bit cryptic but here's the situation. About a year ago I broke up with my long term boyfriend of almost 4 years, we lived together for most of that time and I really thought he was the one, however I no longer believe in that notion. Nevertheless it's been a year already and I still can't fully seem to get over him, I'm not in love with him anymore but I guess I do still love him and in some way I always will if that makes any sense. The point is I wonder how much longer this feeling will continue to sting me. I am willing to eventually go out on dates and basically move on with my life but very few days go by when the pain doesn't surface. I thought by now it'd be easier and considering this is the first time I've ever actually had my heart broken I don't have any previous reference to draw upon and even if I did every situation is different. Maybe I'm now in love with a memory, I don't know for sure. I just wonder if this feeling will ever go away.:o

Not completely (ever) but it does become less intense so just keep going, one day you will suddenly realise "Hey I haven't thought of XXXXX in a whole day" and you'll realise you are on the way up again, the time varies from person to person and situation to situation but it does get better, not much but I hope it helps

Miss Fluff

They say that it takes half the length of a relationship to get over it fully, which would give you another year. I was in a 6 year relationship, and although it was me who finished it, it takes a while to get out of the "other person" mode, all I can recommend is that you have as much fun as possible in the process and sever contact with your ex if you are still communicating, I think being in contact regularly stunts progress tbh.

Poppy84

I was given a piece of advice once.... it takes half the time that you are going out with somebody to fully get over them.

Though you will always have a special place for this person you will eventually stop hurting so chin up this feeling wont last forever;)

Poppy84

Miss Fluff wrote:

They say that it takes half the length of a relationship to get over it fully, .

great minds think alike

D

In my experience if you didn't love them it is half the time you were together and if you did it's twice as long. But that is just my experience.

You will never get fully over some one that you were in love with but eventually it won't hurt. You just look back at the memories.

Blackpitts

LilKitty wrote:

Ok, so the title is a bit cryptic but here's the situation. About a year ago I broke up with my long term boyfriend of almost 4 years, we lived together for most of that time and I really thought he was the one, however I no longer believe in that notion. Nevertheless it's been a year already and I still can't fully seem to get over him, I'm not in love with him anymore but I guess I do still love him and in some way I always will if that makes any sense. The point is I wonder how much longer this feeling will continue to sting me. I am willing to eventually go out on dates and basically move on with my life but very few days go by when the pain doesn't surface. I thought by now it'd be easier and considering this is the first time I've ever actually had my heart broken I don't have any previous reference to draw upon and even if I did every situation is different. Maybe I'm now in love with a memory, I don't know for sure. I just wonder if this feeling will ever go away.:o

they say there is a rule to calculate how long we need to get over a broken heart = years in the relationship / 2
leaving the jokes aside, it's very hard to move on, it takes a lot of strenght and time, but the first period looks harder than it is actually.
I'm sure you still like to have good memories about him and you get sad, sometimes you see him in your dreams during the night, but that's normal and some day you will realize that day by day your heart becomes more free and ready to accept someone else.
You will be in love again and the previous relationship will still be useful for you in order to avoid the same mistakes.
just look at your future and not at your back and everything will be easier

Evil Phil

LilKitty wrote:

I am willing to eventually go out on dates ...

I say bite the bullet and go out on a date or two with a guy or two. A date isn't a commitment, it'll do you wonders and help you to move one.

Personally I don't go for these relationship formulas, no two people are the same, so I don't see how they can apply.

LilKitty

Evil Phil wrote:

I say bite the bullet and go out on a date or two with a guy or two. A date isn't a commitment, it'll do you wonders and help you to move one.

I need to deal with some other issues at the moment but when I have I'd like to.:D

metaoblivia

I agree with Evil Phil. As soon as you're feeling up to it, go on dates with other people, even if you don't believe you'll have an interest in a relationship with them. One date doesn't hurt. It will help you feel more confident, and give you proof that there are other men in world who are interested in you.
The feelings you have right now will subside over time. I'm not sure if they will ever entirely disappear, but they will become manageable, and with time you'll find that you've moved on.

LilKitty

Evil Phil wrote:

Personally I don't go for these relationship formulas, no two people are the same, so I don't see how they can apply.

I don't either, no offense to the other people who talked about it. I guess a lot of my self worth was tied up in my ex and now that's gone. I've had a low self esteem for years so this made it worse.

fruitcake

I would say you will never ever truly forget your first love, speaking from experience and having only nearly 7 months ago split up from my boyf(his idea not mine), I am taking it day by day..the most important thing is to focus on yourself, your happiness... all the pain you feel will eventually shape who you will become, and will make you more aware of your world and surroundings..things will ease but as I said I think a part of your heart will always remain with that someone, and you can never get it back:(


ps: heard that half the time of a long term relationship to get over them in sex and the city:)

LilKitty

fruitcake wrote:

I would say you will never ever truly forget your first love, speaking from experience and having only nearly 7 months ago split up from my boyf(his idea not mine), I am taking it day by day..the most important thing is to focus on yourself, your happiness... all the pain you feel will eventually shape who you will become, and will make you more aware of your world and surroundings..things will ease but as I said I think a part of your heart will always remain with that someone, and you can never get it back:(


ps: heard that half the time of a long term relationship to get over them in sex and the city:)

Thanks and I agree with most of what you said until you mentioned that Sex and the City bit, I was never that interested in that show, actually thought it was fairly lame and unrealistic in some ways but nevertheless I don't go for the these relationship formulas.

Caliden

You never get over them but you know it just wouldn't have worked out either way. Try see other people. While you may compare these new people to your ex eventually you find someone who is in someway better than your ex and you realise there is more than one person for you.

LilKitty

Caliden wrote:

You never get over them but you know it just wouldn't have worked out either way. Try see other people. While you may compare these new people to your ex eventually you find someone who is in someway better than your ex and you realise there is more than one person for you.

I wonder a lot what either of us could have done to make things work, like if I could only have the chance to try again but I have a feeling that while for most of the relationship he really loved me he wasn't ever totally committed to me. As in he'd never want to actually marry me and raise a family like I wanted to do with him eventually.

The problem is a lot of the guys I've met in my life and yes I was only 17 and a half when I became involved with my ex, were either losers or just average in many ways but he was one of the few people I'd met that was really different, I know this sounds corny but for a male affectionate, kind, considerate, understanding and all that. There seems to be a serious shortage of guys out there like that today. It's like the old adage, they're either gay or married(well most anyway, I hope and not all:D ).

Caliden

LilKitty wrote:

I wonder a lot what either of us could have done to make things work, like if I could only have the chance to try again but I have a feeling that while for most of the relationship he really loved me he wasn't ever totally committed to me. As in he'd never want to actually marry me and raise a family like I wanted to do with him eventually.

The problem is a lot of the guys I've met in my life and yes I was only 17 and a half when I became involved with my ex, were either losers or just average in many ways but he was one of the few people I'd met that was really different, I know this sounds corny but for a male affectionate, kind, considerate, understanding and all that. There seems to be a serious shortage of guys out there like that today. It's like the old adage, they're either gay or married(well most anyway, I hope and not all:D ).

And it's hard for guys to find a girl to give you the time of day unless you're either loud and obnoxious or a Johnny Depp lookalike. Maybe I'm going out to the wrong places but I've learned that being shy will not get you a partner.

Just remember the number one rule of break ups:
It's over.
Maintain your self respect and go out and live life instead of being afraid of the world and telling yourself you may never find someone else. Because if you stay inside and wallow in self pity you sure as hell won't find someone.
I've done this for 2 years and it's only in the last 6 months that I've started enjoying life again and it's only now that I regret wasting those 2 years.

Macca07

was going out with a girl for 9 months, she broke up with me nearly a year ago, and i still have very strong feelings for her. I just think that first loves are always in ur head and that u will never fully get over them

humanji

Well they say that the best way to get over and old love is to get under a new one. And in theory that's a good idea. You had invested a lot of yourself in your ex and now you have nobody to keep your interest. So you keep thinking back to them.

Granted, you don't have to go out and find a new boyfriend straight away, but you do need to keep yourself occupied. It'll help you focus and your mind want go off wandering and thinking about what could have been.

One thing I found helpful after I broke up with my ex, was to do everything that was offered to me. Whenever my friends suggested going out, I went, even if I was totally shattered. And even with little things like a bulb needing to be changed in the house, I'd do it straight away instead of putting it off til later. Again, this helps you focus on a specific task and keeps your body and mind going. When you start lounging about watching tv all day, then that's when you really feel the depression kick in.

Don't worry, you'll get over him eventually.

LegacyUser

Sometimes in life you can never get over something, you've just got to learn to live with it. However i think you will get over it and the scars will fully heal. I went out with a girl for 6 years between 15 and 21 and when we broke up it felt like my heart was ripped out and i felt totally alone with my self esteem buried into the ground. For the first couple of years i taught about her everyday and even dreamt that we were back together. Thats how much i missed her. Anyway as time went on the memories slowly faded away and the dreams of us together stopped. Thats when i realised i had moved on. It's a crushing blow to anybody losing somebody you love so much and cant see being without. My only advise to you is give it more time. Nothing anybody can say will change your feelings for the person you love so much.

Tar.Aldarion

You will never get over the person completely, they were the first person you loved an will always be in your heart. You may think about them a lot from time to time and be rather sad. Rest assured you will find somebody else and fall in love again.

LilKitty

Caliden wrote:

And it's hard for guys to find a girl to give you the time of day unless you're either loud and obnoxious or a Johnny Depp lookalike. Maybe I'm going out to the wrong places but I've learned that being shy will not get you a partner.

Just remember the number one rule of break ups:
It's over.
Maintain your self respect and go out and live life instead of being afraid of the world and telling yourself you may never find someone else. Because if you stay inside and wallow in self pity you sure as hell won't find someone.
I've done this for 2 years and it's only in the last 6 months that I've started enjoying life again and it's only now that I regret wasting those 2 years.

Hey I've been looking for those Johnny Depp lookalikes but where are they when you need them?:p
Seriously I am actually depressed so it's hard for me to do even small things these days, I have a lot of other issues in my life, one is even worse and they make it hard to be happy in general. I suppose over the last 1 and a half years my life has went from pretty good to terrible for a lot of different reasons, my ex was just one of them. I'm trying very hard to convince myself I can drag myself out of this hole even if I don't always believe it! I don't really have hardly any friends these days, I've sort of been the kind of person that has a difficult time making them and then don't seem to be able to keep many for more than a few years for various reasons. On the odd occasion I get to do something I usually take the chance but once I turned 18 those opportunities dried up somewhat. Then there was a place I liked to go to but it is one my ex does or did go to and the people I was friendly there with were his friends so that's off limits! I've always wanted to do theater, local would be fine but I am very shy in general and just can't bring myself to do it. Besides I wouldn't even know where to begin.

BTW I think maybe you just haven't been meeting the right girls, there's more out there than you may think that go in for guys who aren't Johnny Depp lookalikes or loud hooligans!:)

LegacyUser

'Hi Im the OP of this thread http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=269323 and I know exactly what you're going through LilKitty. As my name would suggest, this time, I still have my good days and bad regarding her but the pain does get "duller" if that makes sense. As long as it is you should have a read of that thread, between it and mates it helped sort my head out alot when I was climbing the walls over her 2 years ago. Hope it helps you '