Help needed with girlfriend

Tractortastic

Ive been going out with my girlfriend for nearly 14 months now. Over recent times ive been finding we have more and more fights over nothing and no matter what happens i always seem to be in the wrong. A few months back i decided i might be better without her but when i mentioned we should go on a break she changed her ways. No though a few months later i find the same things are happening all over again and im back to thinking about breaking up with her. I love her but lately it seems more like im taking care of a child instead of having a girlfriend.
Another problem is that when she started going out with me she slowly lost contact with the majority of her friends (they went on to college and she repeated the leaving) so my friends became her friends. Now she has almost no friends who she doesnt know through me.
I really feel i would be happier without her but im afraid of what might happend to her if i break up with her.

I really am stuck between a rock and a hard place at the moment and i dont know what to do

tbh

it's tough, but at the end of the day, your main responsibility is to yourself. I think you know what you have to do, it's just a matter of doing it.

AngryBadger

tbh wrote:

it's tough, but at the end of the day, your main responsibility is to yourself. I think you know what you have to do, it's just a matter of doing it.

Quoted for truth. Also sounds like she's ina fairly unhealthy position herself, what with having no friends and all. Probably be better for both of you if you went your seperate ways.

DemocAnarchis

Thats a really bad reason not to break up with her. Getting dumped always hits you hard, but no doubt she will get over it. Dont stall it if you know the relationship isnt going anywhere, as you are only going to end up hurting her more and causing yourself more stress.

Saying that, you say you still love her. Do you feel there is something left worth saving between you two? I'd say sit her down and have a repeat of that conversation that straightened her out, but let her know that you are dead serious this time, and that she has to get her act together or its over.

As regarding the your friends becoming her friends through you, I have experienced the same thing. You need to encourage her to get back in contact with her old friends, or she will regret it later. Encourage her to bring out friends from her new LC year that ye mightnt know that well. Might she be a bit intimidated bring new people into the "group"?

aria-bella

You cant live your life going against instincts so as not to hurt others

You obv care for your gf and in the long run leaving her now is not going to be any different to leaving her next year etc .. It wil hurt no matter what

I think you should think hard on it and listen to your gut but sometimes learning to stand alone can be the making of a person and personally i would never want someone to stay with me for the reasons you have described

In the meantime while you are deciding i would certainly mention to her that you do feel it would be better for her to have friends of her own

jellie

I think you should tell her what youve said here. honesty is needed in these things, even if its when ending it. if you can fix it great, if you cant then youll both have to move on. of course she'll be upset, but nobody wants to be in a relationship where theyre not loved (or so i would presume anyway..)

Tractortastic

Regarding the friends situation. Ive tried to get her to stay in contact with them but its her own fault she didnt. She always gets the odd text from one of her old group saying theyre going to mcgowans or somewhere for a few pints the reply's always the same "Im not really arsed"

I cant really break up with her now though straight before the exams. Its just too mean plus after the exams a small group of us are goin to amsterdam for a long weekend. Then when we come back her parents are away for 3 weeks. I dont know whether to break up with her then or not because she'll have almost no1 to comfort her

sar84 wrote:

I think you should tell her what youve said here

A lot of it i have said but i dont know whether she refuses to accept it or she just continuously thinks "It can be fixed" I know it cant be fixed and in the long run i know nothing will change. Its just the types of people we are

c - 13

Tractortastic wrote:

I cant really break up with her now though straight before the exams. Its just too mean plus after the exams a small group of us are goin to amsterdam for a long weekend. Then when we come back her parents are away for 3 weeks. I dont know whether to break up with her then or not because she'll have almost no1 to comfort her

I was in exactly the same situation as this a few times before - and while i'd agree with you about maybe waiting until after the exams its probably best to get it out of the way as soon as possible after that, other wise you'll just keep finding excuses to put it off i.e. - Her birthday coming up, family grief etc.

Like I said I was in the same situation and kept putting it off, it took nearly a year of me being fairly bloody miserable before I finally broke up with her.

tbh

right so the sooner you make the break, the sooner both of ye will get over it, no? Maybe wait till after the exams if you like, but do it then at the latest.

look, no-one can stick out a relationship they don't want to be in. you'll find yourself getting angry with her and things getting "tetchy" which will make it harder for everyone.

Tractortastic

know but i dont want 2 do it before our trip 2 Amstedam because i know how much she's been looking forward to it (you cant imagine!) Then i think ill do it when we get back but then her parents are away and she'll have no1 to look after her. Im just worried thats all

She's vrey emotional and gets severely depressed easily enough

LegacyUser

aria bellas post is so spot on to me its weird! (as I agree 110%), I just broke up with a girl of 3 years, had put it off waiting for the "right time" for ages, the thing is there is no great time to do it, exceptions and valid points would be xmas, anniversary coming up, exams and holidays. She asked me why I ended it obviously, and it wasnt just for 1 reason, but the main one was it was my gut feeling and you cant control it. i read for years on boards advice on ending relationships etc and now that I have ended my first major one, what seems sometimes like harsh advice on boards will probably save alot of time and tears on both sides. The thing is when your not particularly happy with someone or dont want to be with them you begin resenting it and taking it out on them and yourself, its a downward spiral. its going to hurt, but what dosnt kill you makes you stronger! Also how much effort are you going to put in again when there is a good chance the same thing will happen again with her and youll be back to square one? I just think its something most of us will have to go through several times in our life and it sucks but love hurts! good luck!

Wibbs

Tractortastic wrote:

Ive been going out with my girlfriend for nearly 14 months now. Over recent times ive been finding we have more and more fights over nothing and no matter what happens i always seem to be in the wrong.

Are the fights really over nothing or are the issues that can be worked out?

A few months back i decided i might be better without her but when i mentioned we should go on a break she changed her ways.

I'm not surprised as usually when women say "we need a break" they mean we need to break up. Men generally mean "let's step back a bit". Not always but nn my experience anyway. The threat of you leaving her will only patch up the issues for a short time, unless the other person makes a genuine effort to resolve the underlying problems.

anyway No though a few months later i find the same things are happening all over again and im back to thinking about breaking up with her.

So she didn't change beyond the temporary? Not so good. She didn't learn from it and it also sounds like you're just not compatible.

I love her but lately it seems more like im taking care of a child instead of having a girlfriend.

Been there. The more you start taking care of them like that the more childish they often become. Babywomen are no fun. It's OK in some ways at the start as you feel you're helping. Truth is you're not and as aria-bella points out being on your own is often the making of a person. However I would put money on it that she will jump into another relationship double quick if you do break up with her. Be prepared for that. At that point she's no longer your responsibility anyway.

Another problem is that when she started going out with me she slowly lost contact with the majority of her friends (they went on to college and she repeated the leaving) so my friends became her friends. Now she has almost no friends who she doesnt know through me.

The fact is that was her choice not hers. You can't take the blame for that unless you forced the issue in some way. Put that out of your mind.

EG

the odd text from one of her old group saying theyre going to mcgowans or somewhere for a few pints the reply's always the same "Im not really arsed"

That's her choice, right there.

I really feel i would be happier without her but im afraid of what might happend to her if i break up with her.

If you don't see any future or compromise then break up*. She's a big girl now and unless she has some clinical depression issues etc, she'll survive trust me.

I cant really break up with her now though straight before the exams. Its just too mean plus after the exams a small group of us are goin to amsterdam for a long weekend. Then when we come back her parents are away for 3 weeks. I dont know whether to break up with her then or not because she'll have almost no1 to comfort her

I think you're right re the exams. Hold off until after that. There's no point screwing with her future, because if she wigs out at the breakup, the exams may suffer. I would break up after the long weekend. End on a high note and it'll make her feel less stressed out over missing the post exam weekend as well as you.

* How you break up is important. Be very clear and don't I repeat don't use the lets be friends line. That will have her clinging to false hope and slow her healing. The lets be friends line is one of the more selfish lines someone can use on someone. It's basically saying you're not good enough to go out with, but it would be nice to have you around. Don't go there.

Explain simply that you don't think the relationship is healthy for either of you. The fights etc. Try and get her agreement on this point(which will be easy as she's likely to agree to anything in the midst of this). This will be good for her as it may sow the seed of doubt in the relationship in her own head.

Tell her there is no one else. Don't say it's not you it's me. Do say that while you love her and the relationship had wonderful and tender moments, it would be better if we moved on.

Explain it will be difficult for you too, but your mind is made up. Now this is the important bit. Tell her that for a week or so after, you're there for her if she needs help, but again your mind is made up. After her parents come back ask her to break all contact for a month so both can step back from this. Stick to that too. Explain that it will be better for her(and you) longterm though she may never appreciate that.

Leave her with that you will always have a special place in your heart for her and maybe when both of you have moved on you'll have some contact. Do tell her that she's a wonderful person and with the right partner the fights and the stress will be a lot less and tell her she will meet someone like that.

Good luck anyway.

Tractortastic

After talkin to one ofmy closest friends last nite i made up my mind that i was going to break up with her but like ive said i just dont know when. Im not sure whether to do it after our trip or not because like i said she'll be alone and have no1 to comfort her. Im just worried how she'll cope or if she'll be able to cope at all. Im not in love with her but i do love her. So i cant just do it like a plaster, quick and painless

LegacyUser

I also think its in some peoples nature to drag it on against their will so when things progressively get worse the decision is easier and more justified...

Mr. Presentable

Tractortastic wrote:

know but i dont want 2 do it before our trip 2 Amstedam because i know how much she's been looking forward to it (you cant imagine!) Then i think ill do it when we get back but then her parents are away and she'll have no1 to look after her. Im just worried thats all

She's vrey emotional and gets severely depressed easily enough

Good grief! Stand up and be a man. Dump her already if you're done with her. All this I don't want to do it now, I don't want to ruin her holiday, I don't want to do it then nonsense has to stop. After her parents come back there'll be another reason, then another. You're not being fair to her either.

Unless, of course, all the stalling is because you don't want to break up with her.

Wibbs

Tractortastic wrote:

Im not in love with her but i do love her. So i cant just do it like a plaster, quick and painless

If you do love her that's exactly the way you should do it.

Tractortastic

THanks Wibbs a lot of good advice. Only thing is i know some of it wont work

For example ahe (like me) has a naturally confrontational attitude. She wont accept that i want 2 break up and she'll break down in tears and beg me not to do (literally beg) all of which will make it so much more difficult. I really dont think i can do it straight after the trip because im not sure what she'll do. i still havent figured out if she does suffer from bouts of depression or if she's just a drama queen* so i am a bit scared what might happen to her. If she ended up doin something to herself as a result of me breaking up with jer i could never forgive myself.


*last night we talked on the phone for almost an hour while she poured her heart out to me saying that she's a failure, shes worthless, she's stupid (i.e. repeating the leaving) and that she'll end up working in tesco for the rest of her life

Tractortastic

nipplenuts wrote:

Good grief! Stand up and be a man. Dump her already if you're done with her. All this I don't want to do it now, I don't want to ruin her holiday, I don't want to do it then nonsense has to stop. After her parents come back there'll be another reason, then another. You're not being fair to her either.

Unless, of course, all the stalling is because you don't want to break up with her.

Thats one idea thats been going round in my mind. Maybe its just the stress of the exams and so on that is bringing all of this on? (I know im a pussy btw but i care about her and i cant help it)

sweet-rasmus

ok, it's probably a kind guesture somewhat if you wait till after her exams to address the issue. but do say it before the trip. you can't let something like this drag. perhaps you can both go on the trip as friends. if not; it's only a trip, and easy to miss, but no point in lying to her and to yourself. you just can't go, pretend that everything is fine when you kiss and hold off on saying what needs to be said.

you can't let yourself believe that you have to look after her; she lived before she met you. it will upset her, of course, (and you!) but in time she will be back on track with her life (and so will you). it's clear in these posts that you have made your mind up, so don't go doubting your decision.

sweet-rasmus

no no, exam stress doesn't make you want to beak up with someone. sure, you are under pressure, and tired out and you can be pretty eratic, but this issue is rooted in your mind, and seems to have been there for quite some time. don't doubt yourself.

you are growing up (i figure you are young if she has just repeated the L.C.) and perhaps you have changed in the past year. i'm sure you enjoyed the relationship, but everyone and everything changesl that's life.
good luck!

Tractortastic

I have to do it and i plan on doing it soon.

Thanks everyone for all your help!

SarahSassy

Just because you love someone and also happen to fancy them does not mean you are necessarily compatible and this seems to be the case here....

Because she is nit-picking and being cranky with you I suspect she would (if she really thought about it) realise that deep down she does not feel you right for her.... Maybe you are 'on paper', maybe she likes you and fancies you but what people tend to ignore is the fact that it takes the 4th area to make the relationship work i.e. compatibility...

I think she probably knows that but doesnt really want to be single. She may be initially upset but will get over it once she finds someone she doesnt need to argue with.

Good luck.

redfacedbear

Was interested to read that you think she may be depressed as reading the original post this occured to me - based on experiences I've been through.

She sounds as if she could do with some medical help. Although starting on anti-depressants this close to exam time doesn't sound like great timing. There is the possiblity that she might react badly to the tablet prescribed or they can take a while to start working.

Again based on experience, she should steer well clear of Amsterdam's coffee shops if she is depressed.

Suggest that she sees a doc, leave the break-up till after the exams but don't bring her to Amsterdam

Tractortastic

redfacedbear wrote:

Again based on experience, she should steer well clear of Amsterdam's coffee shops if she is depressed.

don't bring her to Amsterdam

Why u say i shouldnt bring her near amsterdam?

redfacedbear

My wife is prone to depression and used to be fond of a toke. I found (and eventually convinced her too) that the smoke made her depression much much worse. Since giving it up her bouts have lessened in number, frequency, severity and length of duration.

If your girlfriend is depressed ,smoking will probably make it worse.

I assumed that Teenagers + Amsterdam = copious Mary Jane

If I'm casting aspersions, I apologise.

Tractortastic

redfacedbear wrote:

I assumed that Teenagers + Amsterdam = copious Mary Jane

No comment

louisecm

Tractortastic wrote:

Thats one idea thats been going round in my mind. Maybe its just the stress of the exams and so on that is bringing all of this on? (I know im a pussy btw but i care about her and i cant help it)

Of course you care about her, you couldn't be with someone for so long and not care about her. However, doing it quick and painlessly is definitely the best strategy. As has been said, you have to be your first priority, and the fact that she clearly has self esteem issues is just not your problem. I know thats harsh but its true.

I broke up with my boyf of 3 years in February and it was the hardest thing I ever had to do. My feelings for him were similiar to what you're describing. It broke my heart, and his, however it was for the better for both of us. How can she find the right person for her if she is in a relationship with the wrong person? (not wrong as in dirty rotten bastard but wrong as in, not the person she's going to spend her life with which you clearly aren't based on your feelings). Its hard, and it will get a bit harder, but ultimately you will both benefit. She is not your problem to solve, or your child to mind. And if it feel like she is, and that she couldn't get by without you then that alone is a signal that there are problems within your relationship.

I feel like I've been a little harsh here, but I do genuinely sympathise. It is so so so tough, and I don't mean to undermine your concerns. However, using the plaster method you earlier described really is the best course of action as far as I'm concerned. You can wait til after your exams etc. but I would be willing to bet nothing will have changed.

Best of luck.