user?

LegacyUser

My ex bf called me the other night(not drunk- hadnt been drinking)saying he still loved me etc and wanted to try again. i said yes cos i still love him too. He said he wanted a clean slate- no sex for a few months cos he felt we jumped into the sexual side of our relationship too fast and that had ruined things before(it had)

that was fine- he asked could he see me friday morning i said yes- Of course we ended up having sex. He texted me a few times during the day .

Then nothing for the whole weekend.

I called him today just before i went in to work and asked him what the hell he was playing at- he said sorry- but he was kinda sniggering- like he was holding in a laugh. i asked him again what he was doing and he just laughed then said "sorry i was busy"- i called him a liar and a user and hung up.

Should i just face the fact he filled me with that crap for one last shag? Or did i overreact a bit?

spurious

You're the one that knows him - does it sound like something he would do?

From the outside I'm afraid it sounds like he spun you a line to get what he wanted and it worked.

Carrigart Exile

I called him today just before i went in to work and asked him what the hell he was playing at- he said sorry- but he was kinda sniggering- like he was holding in a laugh. i asked him again what he was doing and he just laughed then said "sorry i was busy"- i called him a liar and a user and hung up.

Could one of his mates been trying to make him laugh whilst he was on teh phone?

Wibbs

usier wrote:

My ex bf called me the other night(not drunk- hadnt been drinking)saying he still loved me etc and wanted to try again. i said yes cos i still love him too. He said he wanted a clean slate- no sex for a few months cos he felt we jumped into the sexual side of our relationship too fast and that had ruined things before(it had)

So far, so sensible and seemingly genuine. BTW Who broke up with whom?

that was fine- he asked could he see me friday morning i said yes- Of course we ended up having sex. He texted me a few times during the day .

Who instigated it? Was it him or was it mutual. Regardless, he had said he wanted to take it slow in that department. Now we've all been caught up in the moment, but you could have just kissed and cuddled. Now taking his previous statements on the matter and the fact that you both considered that the jumping into the sexual side had being bad for the relationship, I personally start to doubt him. He says one thing apparently sincerely, yet does something completely at odds with what he says. Not a good sign. For me I judge people's intentions more on what they do than what they say. Talk is cheap.

Then nothing for the whole weekend.

I know men can be eejits for this sort of thing, but this doesn't sound good in the context.

I called him today just before i went in to work and asked him what the hell he was playing at- he said sorry- but he was kinda sniggering- like he was holding in a laugh. i asked him again what he was doing and he just laughed then said "sorry i was busy"- i called him a liar and a user and hung up.

It could be nothing, but in this context it could be something. Let's look at the facts as you present them. Ex BF rings you and "says" let's start again but slowly as we love each other and that would be the best course of action. He then rings you to meet and you have sex. Then you have no contact for the weekend? What he says and what he does seem quite different. Frankly the sniggering on the phone is the least of it.

Should i just face the fact he filled me with that crap for one last shag?

Possibly. You would think if he had any brains he would have continued to "fill you with crap" to keep you sweet for another time. Don't be too surprised if he sails into view as the weekend approaches all apologetic like.

Or did i overreact a bit?

No I don't think you did, if it happened as you wrote it. From a blokes perspective(me), if a woman pulled that stuff with me, I'd scrape her off so fast her head would spin. If people say one thing and do something else it tells me that they're not a good bet in the trust dept. It would tell me that they were too immature for any of the other stuff, outside the bedroom, that's important for a relationship.

TBH If he had rung you up and said " I miss you and I really miss our sex. I don't think I'm up for a relationship, but would you be up for a romp in the hay?", I would have more respect for him. At least then you could make a decision based on honesty.

Wibbs

PS. OP You can only fall foul of a user if you let yourself be used. Stay strong next time and be firm and tell him(and others like him) to sod off. This will be difficult for you as you will be dealing with your emotional attachment for this guy. Be more emotionally attached to yourself. That's the trick. You will meet guys who aren't muppets. You learned a lesson here. Treat it that way and that will help you through it.

AngryBadger

Sorry now but I have no sympathy for you here.

You both knew the situation. it's not like he forced himself on you. And yet here you are making off likehe's the biggest prick ever, when really this is as much your fault as his.

He may have been spinng you a yarn, or he may not. it's possible he wanted sex and nothing more, or it's possible he genuinely wanted to slow things down and is pised off that the two of you hopped into bed.

Whatever the case you'll only find out by asking him. And seriously, sounds like you need to grow up. If you don't want to have sex wit a guy in future, then don't. But if you do, this crap of blaming him is horse****. take responsibility for yourself and your own actions.

LegacyUser

He prob has used u, if his mates were tryin to make him laugh surely he woulda said "sorry such n such is makin me laugh" then any polite person would leave the room to continue the conversation. The fact he didnt call for a week also indicates that hes being a muppet. My advice to u would be forget him, see it as a 'learning experience' (cheesey but true lol) and dont let it happen again. Its not your fault hes an idiot (and very childish too by the sounds of it).

boffin

Angrybadger - to be fair I think the issue is more that she believes he may have lied about what he wanted. I don't think it would be the same issue if it had been clear that it was just a once off for old time sake instead in the guise that they were rekindling their relationship. If I belived someone did that to me I would be pretty pissed off too.

Op - so this all happened yesterday - so the answer will be clear over the next few days. If he is true about what he said I'm sure he will want to get in contact and sort it out. I would have expected him to have explained yesterady tho if it wasn't true and the fact he didn't and lstill laughed - well it doesn't sound good. He sounds like about 16 from the way you have descibed his behaviour (laughing). So if it is the case that he used you then then learn from it. As the saying goes (say to self)- fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me!

Wibbs

AngryBadger wrote:

Sorry now but I have no sympathy for you here.

I'm with you somewhat here, but we all screw up, it's how we learn from it that maps the future.

You both knew the situation. it's not like he forced himself on you. And yet here you are making off likehe's the biggest prick ever, when really this is as much your fault as his.

It is as much her responsibility as his. I agree and there are too many people that are out to blame others entirely for their mistakes. That said there are other things to consider. If she broke up with him, my sympathy would be less. If he broke up with her, however a certain amount of confusion and hence dopey actions are more excusable. She would be operating from a position of emotional vulnerability. She would have been working more from the heart(and genitals) than the head. I suspect by the sequence of events she has written that he may have been working far more from the genitals than anywhere more northerly.

He may have been spinng you a yarn, or he may not. it's possible he wanted sex and nothing more,

Conundrums aplenty indeed.

or it's possible he genuinely wanted to slow things down and is pised off that the two of you hopped into bed.

Then considering he was the one who rang her with the whole let's start again with less of the oul sex thanks very much and then rings her again to hook up and then they have sex. Hmmmm While she bears responsibilty, he bears as much if not more as he can't keep his promises or his willy in check. It's not difficult you know. It's not as if he slipped on the floor, his clothes flew off and oops. He had a choice and in this case his actions did not follow his words.

Whatever the case you'll only find out by asking him.

And the chances are good he either wont know what he wants or will know but not tell her.

And seriously, sounds like you need to grow up.

Goes for both really.

If you don't want to have sex wit a guy in future, then don't.

Yep I agree. this it just happened is a bit much TBH. I wish it did "just happen". I would have gotten laid way more in that kind of world. Maybe I need to change my aftershave......

take responsibility for yourself and your own actions.

True enough. It's often easier to see in hindsight. If she jumps him again, my sympathy for her would go out the window, because at that point she would deserve whatever outcome.

AngryBadger

boffin wrote:

Angrybadger - to be fair I think the issue is more that she believes he may have lied about what he wanted...If I belived someone did that to me I would be pretty pissed off too.

That's fair enough, and I'm not disputing that her ex is a jerk (maybe), I'm just saying it takes two to tango. He couldn't have gotten anything without her consent. If he was using their former relationship to get some action she should know him well enough to spot that.

From my perspective what's happened here is that the OP saw what she wanted to see. I can empathise with that, we've all been there, but you can't conduct your life in response to how you wish things were. At the very least the OP should have said no to sex, and then if he broke contact at least she wouldn't feel like such a fool for letting him use her. Whereas if he'd continued to communicate with her she'd know he was serious about trying again.

What appears to have happened is that she wanted to have sex with him, but only in the capcity of a relationship (which i can compeltely understand and is her absolute right!), but she decided that once they said "oh yeah let's not jump into having sex" that somehow absolved her of responsibility for everything thereafter, so she hopped right into bed with him.

Her ex is probably a jerk, but she's not a victim here, just very foolish, and maybe a bit childish. In my view if she realises that she'll be better off for it in the future.

Wibbs, was going to respond to some of your (excellent!) points as well, but i think I've covered it fairly well above

metrovelvet

OP only you know.

When someone spends time with you or contacts you because they want something from you and you are a means to that end, whether that end is sex or lunch or a date to the prom, they are a user.

Wibbs

metrovelvet wrote:

OP only you know.

Very true.

When someone spends time with you or contacts you because they want something from you and you are a means to that end, whether that end is sex or lunch or a date to the prom, they are a user.

Only if you let them be. A user requires a used. There would be no conmen in the world if nobody wanted something for nothing. That is an important lesson for everyone.

There is a all too common tendency afoot these days that apportions blame to others without regard for one's own part in events. A tendency that uses words like "user" to deflect responsibility elsewhere. It's understandable to be fooled every so often, especially while you're young, as it shows openness and willingness to think of others as innately good. To be fooled and used successive times however, is down to the used to sort out in their own heads.

As an example from my own past; I went out with a woman(no way I hear you cry), many moons ago. She had been in a succession of abusive relationships and in my innocence I really tried hard to not be like those men. I'm no angel but I think I succeeded as it's not really in my nature. What did surprise me about myself in that situation was that the temptation to mistreat her emotionally was there at times. Far stronger than I had or have ever felt before or since. Thank God for my sake I didn't. I realised that there was an aspect to her character that expected such behaviour and when it wasn't there, she tried to engineer it. Quite subtly too. It was what she had gotten used to. She was in some strange way more comfortable in that role. the role felt right to her and sadly she would rather have been right than happy. We spilt up because that aspect of our relationship was very troubling for me. Subsequently she went out with a succession of men who to varying degrees were emotionally distant/abusive. I know all this because she has told me that I treated her very well, but she did feel she couldn't get out of that rut. She basically admitted that she was suspicious when men treated her well. Very sad really. Lovely woman. A real pity.

I'm writing this as an extreme example to the OP. You are at least partially responsible for how the world treats you. For example if you go back to this guy you will be saying in very clear terms it's OK to use me. Please don't make that mistake. You're worth more than that.

We have all got the capacity to learn from our past and rise above it. That to me is a far healthier attitude than to just brand others for a fault that may lie with ourselves.

Laslo

If you're old enough to have sex, you're old enough to know when not to have sex. Lesson learned, OP?

jellie

you can only be used if you let yourself be used. its not like you werent aware he was having sex with you. it takes 2.

he does sound like a bit of an a**hole though. maybe take the whole thing as a lesson learned and try move on

louisecm

AngryBadger you really are angry - I don't think you get that its not about the sex here (or it doesn't seem to be). Its about the fact that he hasn't contacted her, and that he mislead her. For a girl, the context in which sex is had is very important. Clearly it was her decision to have sex, and she's not blaming him for her having had sex. She's blaming him for misleading her with regard to the context. She probably shouldn't have had sex so quickly, and I think she is aware of that. However, if he lied to her about what he wanted to make sex more likely she is entitled to feel used. In fact, she is entitled to feel anything she likes. Everyone is entitled to their feelings.

r3nu4l

I'm sorry but it is all about the sex here! That is apparently what he wanted and what the OP gave him!

Then when he stops contacting her she calls him, he sniggers away and she is now left wondering what the situation is?

If she had been stronger and not given him sex (as they had arranged!) then maybe she would already know what the situation is? He might not have bothered contacting her again or when she called he may have decided to tell her that he had changed his mind (once he realised he was't getting an easy lay). Giving him sex has totally confused the issue, if there had been no sex, things would be a lot more clear-cut.

If he is being realistic about this and really wants another go then he will arrange another date. OP, you should call him and ask him for another date. Go for dinner, then a movie or whatever and when you leave, go your separate ways! Don't let him walk you to your door, don't go back to his place. No nightcaps, no 'coffee'. Nothing. If he really is interested in you rather than a shag you'll know soon enough. Eventually after a few 'no sex' dates you may decide to move things up a gear again but hold out for now to save your own sanity.

If you try to arrange a date and he keeps putting you off, then you have your answer again. Not all guys are after one thing but some are and some like nothing better than to contact their ex and say theye'd like to give it another go...when what they mean is they'ed like to have 'another go' of you! If that's what he has done then yes you deserve to feel used and are better to be rid of him for good, if not then best of luck getting things back on track!

louisecm

r3nu4l wrote:

If she had been stronger and not given him sex.

I don't think comments like that do men OR women any favours. The implication is that "sex" is this thing that women have, and if they are stupid enough to "give it" to a man, then they deserve what they get. Sex is an act shared between two people and the responsibility falls with both. He should not have had sex with her if he had lied to her about his intentions. He deserves to take the blame. As far as she is concerned, all she did was have sex with her boyfriend. Yes, it was sooner than she had intended, but based on the information he had given her - that he loved her, cared about her and wanted to get back together - she did nothing wrong.

r3nu4l

louise, they agreed not to have sex, based on his saying that's not what he wanted. If the situation was reversed I'd be telling a guy not to 'give' a girl sex. Sorry if the terminology offends you but that's the way it is. By the two of them having sex it completely confused the issue here. Sex is something that men and women give to one another, it's a spiritual act and if you don't think it's yours to give or withold then I'm surprised tbh!

As for you inferring my comments to mean that 'she was stupid enough to give it to him and therefore deserves it' I'm very offended by that! More than you can realise :mad: That's not what I meant.

Yes it was stupid to have sex with him but only because if she hadn't had sex with him she would now know if he was for real or just strining her along instead of wondering if she has been used for easy sex! Maybe it's youthful naievity on her part or a willingness to take him at face value because of their past relationship and her feelings for him, I don't know but not having sex with him would have been the acid test to my mind.

OP, contact your ex-boyfriend, see if he wants to meet you for a date, maybe even at lunch-time some day and then go home without him. If he is interested in you and not just using your body then he'll be happy to keep in touch with you. If he's not interested he'll bail out soon enough.

boffin

r3nu4l wrote:

I'm sorry but it is all about the sex here! That is apparently what he wanted and what the OP gave him!

Then when he stops contacting her she calls him, he sniggers away and she is now left wondering what the situation is?

If she had been stronger and not given him sex (as they had arranged!) then maybe she would already know what the situation is? He might not have bothered contacting her again or when she called he may have decided to tell her that he had changed his mind (once he realised he was't getting an easy lay). Giving him sex has totally confused the issue, if there had been no sex, things would be a lot more clear-cut.

If he is being realistic about this and really wants another go then he will arrange another date. OP, you should call him and ask him for another date. Go for dinner, then a movie or whatever and when you leave, go your separate ways! Don't let him walk you to your door, don't go back to his place. No nightcaps, no 'coffee'. Nothing. If he really is interested in you rather than a shag you'll know soon enough. Eventually after a few 'no sex' dates you may decide to move things up a gear again but hold out for now to save your own sanity.

If you try to arrange a date and he keeps putting you off, then you have your answer again. Not all guys are after one thing but some are and some like nothing better than to contact their ex and say theye'd like to give it another go...when what they mean is they'ed like to have 'another go' of you! If that's what he has done then yes you deserve to feel used and are better to be rid of him for good, if not then best of luck getting things back on track!

Well for me this sounds like a case of trust being broken as I'm presuming that the OP trusted her ex and would not have expected him to lie to her. I understand your point that she would not be in this position if she hadn't had sex with him but I'm guessing she trusted him and didn't believe he would lie to her like that. This is a case of being deceived by someone else and I'm sure its lesson learned for the OP. I'm guessing she won't be so trusting in the future.

In terms of that advice of ringing him and asking him out. Don't do it OP - if he is serious he will contact you and if he doesn't then you know he was full of c**p.

louisecm

r3nu4l wrote:

louise, they agreed not to have sex, based on his saying that's not what he wanted. If the situation was reversed I'd be telling a guy not to 'give' a girl sex. Sorry if the terminology offends you but that's the way it is. By the two of them having sex it completely confused the issue here. Sex is something that men and women give to one another, it's a spiritual act and if you don't think it's yours to give or withold then I'm surprised tbh!

As for you inferring my comments to mean that 'she was stupid enough to give it to him and therefore deserves it' I'm very offended by that! More than you can realise :mad: That's not what I meant.

Yes it was stupid to have sex with him but only because if she hadn't had sex with him she would now know if he was for real or just strining her along instead of wondering if she has been used for easy sex! Maybe it's youthful naievity on her part or a willingness to take him at face value because of their past relationship and her feelings for him, I don't know but not having sex with him would have been the acid test to my mind.

OP, contact your ex-boyfriend, see if he wants to meet you for a date, maybe even at lunch-time some day and then go home without him. If he is interested in you and not just using your body then he'll be happy to keep in touch with you. If he's not interested he'll bail out soon enough.

I'm sorry if I offended you, that was not my intention. I was referring to a general attitude, which you've now made clear isn't yours, but unfortunately the phraseology you used in that part of your post was indicative of that attitude. I appreciate that wasn't what you meant, and I think that is clear to everyone reading this thread.

However, while I have never denied that having sex with him was not the smartest idea, that does not mean that the wrong lies with her. He is the one who seemingly mislead her - and in fact lied to her if it turns out he has no interest in the relationship. I'm really confused about how this has turned around to her being the one in the wrong. She made a mistake but the wrong definitely lies with him.

boffin

r3nu4l wrote:

OP, contact your ex-boyfriend, see if he wants to meet you for a date, maybe even at lunch-time some day and then go home without him. If he is interested in you and not just using your body then he'll be happy to keep in touch with you. If he's not interested he'll bail out soon enough.

Unfortunatley it sounds like he has already bailed out - he hasn't been keeping in touch with her - she had to ring him and then he sniggered at her. The ball is in his court - If she contacts him again he will think that she is chasing after him and probably get a big ego trip from it - walk away op and let him contact you.

LegacyUser

I agree with louise in that I don't really understand how blame can be heaped on this girl. She had sex with her boyfriend, what exactly is wrong with that? It is not her fault he may have had other motives.
I don't believe you are overreacting OP - I think if someone is truly keen to start a relationship, or rekindle one, then they will want to talk, they will want to meet up, they won't ignore you. I'm sorry, I hope things work out for you.

r3nu4l

Ha folks, I'm certainly not blaming her or saying it's her fault. I'm saying it complicated everything (no denying that) and that not having sex with him would probably mean this thread wouldn't be here today or at least wouldn't have the title 'user?'!

I do think the OP should call him and demand an explanation. Say to him that she wants an answer and won't be waiting around for him. An ultimatum would sort it quickly enough, seeing as how she gave him a chance and the benefit of the doubt already.

Wibbs

louisecm wrote:

I don't think comments like that do men OR women any favours. The implication is that "sex" is this thing that women have, and if they are stupid enough to "give it" to a man, then they deserve what they get.

No but they are naive if they don't heed what their other says and what he means and the difference between the two.

Sex is an act shared between two people and the responsibility falls with both.

Agreed.

He should not have had sex with her if he had lied to her about his intentions. He deserves to take the blame.

So responsibility is shared yet suddenly he takes all the blame? Even more silly when he does the first thing he said he wouldn't do. What should she take from that?

As far as she is concerned, all she did was have sex with her boyfriend.

No she had sex with an EX boyfriend. She did the very thing they both agreed help break them up in the first place. The EX and the circumstances make a difference.

Yes, it was sooner than she had intended, but based on the information he had given her - that he loved her, cared about her and wanted to get back together - she did nothing wrong.

Not quite. He told her all those things plus they should take it easy and not jump back into the thing that caused issues in the first place. If he tried to instigate it, she should have spotted that and acted or not acted accordingly. She didn't and now where does she stand? If he couldn't keep it in his pants as they agreed, she was a bit silly to believe anything else she told him.

Obviously hindsight is 20/20, but the thing is where does she go from here? I would not go back with the guy as he(and she) are all over the place at the moment. I would suggest an actual break from the sexual side of the equation. It'll be interesting to see how long he sticks around in that case. If he does stick around and the relationship grows, then they can both chalk it up to experience and it will allay her fear that she's being used.

louisecm

Wibbs, he is to blame for misleading her, not for the sex. No one is to "blame" for the sex. They shouldn't have had sex, they did. Both have responsibility. However, there is one person here who mislead the other person. He said, lets get back together. She said yes. As far as she was concerned they were back together (correct me if I'm wrong OP), therefore she had sex with her boyfriend. Not her ex. If it turns out the way it looks, then he mislead her and lied to her (as I have already said) and that is wrong. That is where he is to blame. The sex is an element of this scenario clearly, but the primary factor is that he mislead her and manipulated her.

Wibbs

louisecm wrote:

Wibbs, he is to blame for misleading her, not for the sex. No one is to "blame" for the sex. They shouldn't have had sex, they did. Both have responsibility.

Look I'm not hung up on the whole sex aspect, but the sex is important only because it's the particular thing that apparently caused issues in the past for her and him. It's the one thing he said and she agreed with that they shouldn't do until they worked out their relationship. First time they meet, that goes out the window. Regardless of his muppetry she shares responsibilty for helping him "use" her.

Forget the sex and turn it around(bear with me here). If they had broken up because they both agreed they were both drinking too much. He says to her they shouldn't drink together for a while. He rings her the next day and suggests meeting up for a chat. She agrees, they meet up and he walks in the door with a bottle of wine. She shares it with him. Does she not share responsibility for getting drunk? Yes he is to blame for misleading her, but she should have realised that she was letting herself be duped.

If you say that well she just had sex with her boyfriend, they shared a moment between them and they both took responsibilty, it makes her look like an emotional idiot incapable of making an informed choice. It was an informed choice as he said one thing and straightaway did another.

The OP has learned a lesson here. In the future she will now know that in a case like this she can and will say no and any power he has over her will be gone. She will no longer be used.

As I said in the first place, a user has no power over you if you don't let them use you. I can think of a few women friends of mine that if he had shown up and had tried that after saying what he said, he would be shown the door(no matter if they wanted to or not). Simply put he can't keep his promises.

The sex is an element of this scenario clearly,

The "sex" or any other element that you can think of is the axle on which this wheel turns.

but the primary factor is that he mislead her and manipulated her.

And she let him. As I say, she won't do it again with him or anyone else if she learns from this. The OP isn't thick, she knows this. In the future she has choices. We all make bad ones, but we can learn to minimise them.

louisecm

I'm beginning to think this is a male/female thing. That we just see things very differently when it comes to these situations.

The question was, is he a user? I think the answer is yes. Of course she played a role in it, but ultimately he is the one who clearly and definitely manipulated the situation. This girl should of course walk away having learned a lesson, but she should not feel that the whole thing was her fault. It wasn't.

I'm not going to say any more on this because I just don't think there is any point - I've made my point clearly. My final word is - OP - you deserve better than this. Even if he does come to you again suggesting you get together, consider whether or not you want to be with someone who sleeps with you on a friday and then doesn't contact you for days. I'm guessing you don't.

metrovelvet

Sounds like it was a booty call and he misled her to think it was something else and now he thinks its funny that she fell for it.

OP it is a blessing because now you know this guy is 100% prick and you can move on.

Stabshauptmann

usier wrote:

My ex bf called me the other night(not drunk- hadnt been drinking)saying he still loved me etc and wanted to try again. i said yes cos i still love him too. He said he wanted a clean slate- no sex for a few months cos he felt we jumped into the sexual side of our relationship too fast and that had ruined things before(it had)

that was fine- he asked could he see me friday morning i said yes- Of course we ended up having sex. He texted me a few times during the day .

Then nothing for the whole weekend.

I called him today just before i went in to work and asked him what the hell he was playing at- he said sorry- but he was kinda sniggering- like he was holding in a laugh. i asked him again what he was doing and he just laughed then said "sorry i was busy"- i called him a liar and a user and hung up.

Should i just face the fact he filled me with that crap for one last shag? Or did i overreact a bit?

OP, theres something about that post I just dont believe. I think you have an idea in your head and presented the case to support it looking for approval you reached the right conclusion.