Tommy Cooper.

smashey

After reading Hagar's one liners, I had to post this link.

Genius.

fred funk }{

Tommy Cooper classics

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Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony
Was rubbish but the Reception was brilliant.

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Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says
"I'll give you some cream to put on it."

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"Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home." "That sounds
like Tom Jones syndrome. " "Is it common? " "It's not unusual."

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A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? " "Well,"
Says the vet, "let's have a look at him"

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because
he's cross-eyed? " "No, because he's really heavy"

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Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's."
"Well you can't say fairer than that then"

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Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!

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So I went to the dentist.
He said "Say Aaah."
I said "Why?"
He said "My dog's died.'"

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So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said
'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'"

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So I rang up my local swimming baths.
I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?'
He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"

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"So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my
house.'
He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

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1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my
family, so it must be one of them. either my mum or my dad. Or my older
brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

---

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he
said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a Second
time and said You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang
up a third time and said You're managing director.' And I went into a
tree.

And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I
careered off the road.

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Now, most dentists' chairs go up and down, don't they?
The one I was in went back and forwards.
I thought 'This is unusual'.
And the dentist said to me Mr. Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'

---

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me
a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for
it.'

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Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other "Does this taste
funny to you?"

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Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and
the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one
off.

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You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They
left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that
was nice."

---

A man walked into the doctors,
The doctor said " I haven't seen you in a long time "
The man replied "I know I've been ill"

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A man walked into the doctors, he said "I've hurt my arm in several
places"
The doctor said "well don't go to those places"

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I had a ploughman's lunch the other day.
He wasn't very happy.

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I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find
any.

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I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the
next 2 years.

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Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of
them would have seen it.

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Phone answering machine message -
"...If you want to buy marijuana.............press the hash key..."

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I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are
too high."

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My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.
A strong currant pulled him in.

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A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

---

I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

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Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the
craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak
and heat it.

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Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with
hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

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Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other
one says "So are you, you fat slob!"

---

Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small
two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue
workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to
climb as digging continues into the night

johnnyrotten

Brilliant!

Goodluck2me

cuig realtai

Rabies

threads merged.

AlmightyCushion

It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

Absolute classic. What a legend of a man.

foxyboxer

Legendary!:D

forbairt

Hopefully its ok to link to some classic tommy ?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iU9PWCqEdPE

Raytown Rocks

Some of those jokes honestly brought tears to my eyes,
He was pure class.

barryfitz

Ju lie ra!

AlmightyCushion

He was brilliant wasn't he.:D:D:D

cozmik

RIP Tommy, gone but never forgotten!

jay_haych

half those gags are tim vines

http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/t/tim_vine.html

Flushdraw

jay_haych wrote:

half those gags are tim vines

http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/t/tim_vine.html

Yeah, because Tim Vine said them before Tommy Cooper did...

carfax

Flushdraw wrote:

Yeah, because Tim Vine said them before Tommy Cooper did...

Are you calling Tommy Cooper a thief?

Zoot

Just missing one of my favourites:

2 cows in a field.
Daisy says to Maisey:
I was artificially inseminated yesterday.
Maisey:
Really?
Daisy:
Yea, straight up, no bull

Flushdraw

carfax wrote:

Are you calling Tommy Cooper a thief?

I'm calling Tim Vine a thief! Stick to what you're good at, and its not detective work

Capt'n Midnight

jay_haych wrote:

half those gags are tim vines

http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/au.../tim_vine.html

Tommy was on national TV 19 years before Tim was born, so one has to wonder how he managed for the first 40 years.

Seriously
http://www.thehumorarchives.com/joke/Fantastic_Tim_Vine_one-liners

With reference to the "Tommy Cooper" jokes on your site. I'm sure you would be very interested to discover that all of the gags apart from the first 4 on your "Fantastic Tommy Cooper one-liners" page are actually not Tommy Cooper's material.
...
Tim is a very good friend of mine and a big name on the comedy circuit in the UK. He won the Perrier Award for Best Newcomer at the Edinburgh Festival in 1995 for the TIM VINE FIASCO. He has been likened to Tommy Cooper by other great comedians such as Bob Monkhouse.
...
Unfortunately, at some point over the last few years, someone ripped Tim's gags off at a gig, put them in a (now well-known) email and credited them to Tommy Cooper.

jay_haych

oh dont be so hard of understanding

cooper didnt say a lot of those period. they were first said by tim vine. gettit??

Hagar

Handbags ladies.

Please don't take anyone's character, alive or dead.

Oliverdog

This story might put it back on topic.
Tommy was famous for enjoying the odd drink. In the line-up at the Royal Variety Performance the great man was being held up, one on each elbow, by two other performers (one was Roy Castle I think) getting ready to meet the Queen. They were a bit nervous about his condition, but Tommy smiled and bowed as the Queen shook his hand, but then said "Your Majesty, I've always wondered - do you really like football?"
"Well - no, not really" she replied.
"Is there any chance of your Cup Final tickets?" said Tommy.

Hagar

Excellent. The man is/was/forever will be a legend.

Capt'n Midnight

I was in Margate last year for the summer season. A friend of mine said, "You want to go to Margate, it's good for rheumatism." So I did, and I got it....


He had a wonderfully inventive mind, with the ability to turn any situation to comic effect. One time he son was caught stealing something from Woolworths. On being brought home Tommy Cooper maintained an absolute silence. Eventually he pulled his son to one side and said in a very serious voice.
“If you ever, ever steal again .... get me a packet of my favourite cigars."


A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'


Another story involves Tommy’s well known tightness with money. After a taxi ride, Tommy leans across to pay the taxi driver and slips something extra in the cabbies top pocket with the words ‘Have a little drink on me”. When the cabbie finally gets round to checking his pocket he discovers a tea bag.


Man says to barber how much is a haircut barber replies £5 man says how much is a shave barber replies £2.50 man says shave my head.

Went to the paper shop - it had blown away

I came home one night and my wife was crying.
I said "What's wrong?"
She said "I'm home sick"
I said "This is your home"
She said "Yes and I'm sick of it"


I hurt my back the day.
I was playing piggy back with my 6 year old nephew, and I fell off.


I was driving down the motorway with my bird the other day when we got a bit frisky and decided to do something about it.
So we decided we take the next exit, but it was a turn-off.

Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners

'I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind' ,
so he gave me a kite.'


'I became a member of The Secret Seven. It's so secret, I don't even know who the other six are...'


A man goes into the doctors. The doctor says, 'Go over to the window and stick your tongue out' . Man says, Why?
The doctor says, 'I don't like my neighbours'


'So I said to the doctor'. ' People keep taking the Mickey out of me because I keep thinking I'm a cricket ball.' The doctor said 'Howzat?'I said, don't you start' .


'I got up just like that, well it could of been like that, but, no it was like that.... anyway I leapt up, and I opened the door in my pyjamas, It's a funny place to have a door I know' .


A man goes to the Psychiatrists and the Psychiatrist says: 'What's the problem' The man says, 'I think I'm becoming a kleptomaniac.' The Psychiatrist says, 'Here take these tablets and if you're no better in a week' .....' Bring me a colour TV'

Oliverdog

These are great Capt'n.

The one about the door in the pyjamas reminds me of another great comic no longer with us, Chic Murray, who used to use this one. Here's another one of his.

I was in London for the England Scotland match. On the way home, I saw a notice - "Dogs must be carried on the escalator".

I thought - "Where am I going to get a dog from at this time of night?"

* * * * *

And another one, when staying in theatrical lodgings, he asked the landlady for some honey for his toast. On seeing the very small portion -

"Ah - I see you keep a bee !"

He was (almost) a Scottish Tommy Cooper.

Capt'n Midnight

john.hannah@bti wrote:

The one about the door in the pyjamas reminds me of another great comic no longer with us, Chic Murray, who used to use this one. Here's another one of his.

Also reminded me of this from Groucho "One morning I shot an elephant in my pyjamas. How he got into my pyjamas I'll never know."

and this other classic
Outside of a dog, a book is your best friend, and inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

Oliverdog

and another one of Chic Murray's ...

I was at the Olympics, and a man walked towards me carrying a long piece of wood.

I said "Are you a pole vaulter ?"

He said "Nein. I'm German. Ant how did you know my name vas Valter ?"

darkskol

brilliant