Musings

LegacyUser

Relationships, or generally anything in that department, are something I've pretty much persistently avoided despite the fact that I generally like and have time for the opposite sex. Throughout my teens I didn't do anything about it apart from hearing how 'successful' my classmates in school were in such matters, my 20s have also remained quiet in relation to this issue. I avoided social events such as discos, pubs, formal balls because I wouldn't know what to do or what's expected at such things in the boy/girl sense or just the drink until you collapse sense. I typically remained 'off radar' from such things, again I avoided my college's formal ball this year as I don't know how to deal with these things my almost pre-programmed response is to avoid, avoid, avoid not because you're expected to bring someone (I don't think) but because it's socially scary and largely unpredictable. I also felt I didn't deserve this time out due to study,

Does the lack of relationships bother me, I'm not going to lie because there are times when it does but then there are times when I've little or no interest in it. So what's stopping me, several things - all of which I won't proceed to bore you with now but here are a few:

at 24 I figure it's too late to do anything about it as I’m old
I wouldn't pick up on the 'signals' if my life depended on it (yeah woe is me, yawn)
I generally don't initiate things because I don't get certain social things
I have one friend and I only see him 3 or 4 times a year so if I went into a relationship I reckon it would look rather silly due to my lack of friends - from what I've observed most people in relationships have a range of friends but then I guess it's quality not quantity which is another topic and debate.
I feel there’s a danger that if I make this a priority it will take over everything
There’s too many walls to get around and to some extent I’ve put up too many walls to let people in

I generally keep extremely quiet about this topic, I mentally run away from it and as I've said, socially avoid it (dare I say, part of a pathological avoidance - a term I now use though only in my own head), part of it is self protection, maintaining sanity probably part of it too, feeling like a bit of a freak is another component. I find it can be quite a tiring topic to hear about too, the media says this or that, not to mention almost everyone having their own 'formula' or personal twist on what you should/should not do and you're expected to figure out which one is the 'right' one on how to ‘get’ someone/a girl…it’s not like going out and getting an mp3 player. The other day my grandmother asked if I had a girlfriend, I said no and she said oh well it’s time you had one so which I just laughed off. Whether she came up with that herself, was previously talking to my parents or was inspired by the presence of my sister and her boyfriend I don’t know. I will probably continue to avoid this issue. I'll laugh it off, I'll say something (depending on who I'm talking to) like 'I haven't gotten around to it yet', or I'll change the subject, become defensive or paranoid the person talking to me is wearing a wire or wants to extract information from me.

I guess I should mention I’m on the autistic spectrum so the whole social thing tends to provoke high levels of anxiety, poor social skills etc etc all of which tend to feed into each other though I'm better socially now than I used to be. Thank you for reading if you got this far, apologies for being self pitying and incoherent in places

Marksie

24 Brian

You are gong to get a lot of advice, which issues do you consider most important?

It is a matter of listing the ones wou would like to resolve first. As all won't be resolved at once. However, once one begins to be worked on the others will follow suit.

The one that hits me first for resolution is tha fact you consider 24 years of age to be "too old" so that is waht i will talk about. It isn't and that is the thinking you should move out of.

At 24, you are still just beginning to be honest and everything is open for you, I am 43 and the opportunities life throws my way are many and varied and are there to be taken and experienced.

However you have to allow yourself to be open to these possibilities.

be open to what psters are going to suggest and see if any catch your interest as something you would like to try.

LegacyUser

Not sure Marksie perhaps taking down some of those walls and maybe reducing paranoia. The thought of physical affection makes shudder tbh.

Thank you for replying.

PinkPrincess26

I think your thinking way to much about this.... you need to just go with the flow..... if you dont have any friends to go out with, try speed dating or if you reckon you'd be tp shy for that try online dating........ were you cant just mail people for a bit before you decide to meet up.....

And by the way 24 to old... are u mad...... im 26 this year so what am I

LegacyUser

PinkPrincess26 wrote:

I think your thinking way to much about this.... you need to just go with the flow..... if you dont have any friends to go out with, try speed dating or if you reckon you'd be tp shy for that try online dating........ were you cant just mail people for a bit before you decide to meet up.....

And by the way 24 to old... are u mad...... im 26 this year so what am I

But what does that really mean or look like? And I've used the internet for enough years to know better than to trust it on this issue.

Oryx

Agreed on the age thing. By your reckoning, Im pensionable.;) The over 30's need love too!

You dont come across as self pitying. If anything, you seem to know yourself very well.

There were a lot of 'shoulds' in your post. You should have friends, should have a girlfriend.... Forget the shoulds. The only thing that matters is what you actually want. If you want a relationship, start making small steps towards that goal. Likewise if you would like more friends in your life. You come across as intelligent and articulate, Id imagine you already know how to take these steps if you want. You need to stop running away from it, as you said. Changing anything in your life is really bloody scary and can take you out of your comfort zone for a while, but if you really want to do it, you have to take the risk.

LegacyUser

Thank you, if I know myself well it's because I've had to adapt through the years. You're right, the shoulds are pretty unnecessary.

Marksie

KtK wrote:

Agreed on the age thing. By your reckoning, Im pensionable.;) The over 30's need love too!

Never, ever let thoughts of age hold you back. I have friends in their late 50s/60s who are pushing ahead with their lives and nothing is stopping them, romance wise or career wise. Indeed being a 40 something i find liberating, am determined to use my experience and to alter and positively drive myself forward. It is much better to be looking back and said well, i F8cked that up but did it, and wow that was good, rather than i should have done that. Though i tend very rarely to look back in a negative fashion.

Knowing yourself is a very good, indeed essential, part of progressing through life, and something that needs to be looked at on an ongoing basis as the self changes. but be carfeul about over analysing... allow yourself to get in contact with the self rather than dispassionately observing it. Look at the walls of ego you have thrown up and begin to lok at why you ahve thrown them upo and begin to work on slowly stripping them back. I beleive many of your issues will have a common rootstock and that by working on that you will begin to bring a lot of them to the fore.

What you need now is effective guidance on how to begin to realise the potential. One option is to begin with a lifecoach, who will help you to take the steps you need to realise some of your goals. Then you can use that as a basis for furer development.

You have isolated two of the things you want to sort out first. So take positive steps above to go about it.

It is also worth remembering, that not everything that will happen to you will be good. But they are the lessons that perhaps teach you the most and in the end have the most positive long term benefit. How you come back from being knocked down is important.

KtK has it bang on the money: many people sit in a comfort zone, not really happy not really sad. Just drifting, vaguely aware of the need to do something, but thinking well, next year maybe. Too scared or apathetic to make that leap. By all means do a little planning, but do it.

as confuscious put it:

I hear and i forget
I see and i remember
I do and i understand

Its when you do and understand that you move onwards

Good luck with it, and remember Life IS a ride to be savoured

Lola123

One of my best friends is in a very similar situation to you. She's also 24 and avoids social outings, doesn't like talking to people she doesn't know etc. In fact, she doesn't like to talk about anything personal even to me or one of our other friends (3 of us are friends since school). Like you, she feels the pressure of "having" to get a boyfriend and she "should" want to go out clubbling etc.
The best thing she ever did was to speak to a counsellor. It was very difficult and took a lot out of her but I think she feels more comfortable in her own skin because of it.
I don't think anyone can be in a good relationship unless they are happy with themselves. That's what you need to figure out first. I would suggest going to a counsellor and start doing things that make you happy. You sound like you need to get some confidence back.

LegacyUser

Again, thank you for the replies.

On the comfort zone thing, to some extent I have done that and if I examined how I was socially a few years ago in contrast to now I could say there's a good bit of difference. I could count on one hand the number of times I ate in the college canteen as an undergrad, marked fear of social situations lead to sometimes hiding and eating (yes eating though nothing substantial) in the toilets. As a postgrad (and a student in a new college) my social appetite and ability as improved but in spite of this I sometimes get so sick of trying and failing that I feel stuck. I do believe I challenge myself and heck I even notice some other people's seemingly appalling social skills or things that seem inappropriate given what I've been taught.

The last few years haven't been very pleasant with depression, anxiety, cutting, suicidal thoughts and feelings...they have been the priority for me to resolve (with professional help I set up and contacted myself) and I think I've gotten a handle on most of them now. My teenage years were pretty trouble free, things only really began to go south in my 20s. The relationship issue does crop up now and then, a psychiatrist said "you should get some experience with girls or you'll end up hurting yourself more" which followed a mini interrogation about who I fancied in my class, what's her name etc...that came completely out of nowhere as I didn't raise the topic at all. I effectively vowed to not speak of it since that day and couldn't even mention after I met my counsellor (who suggested the psych visit) a few days later. That was almost 3 years ago now but it left me quite upset and baffled. To some extent I can give two fingers to that psychiatrist, I no longer cut and I didn't have to go out on the pull to stop the self harm. I have been fortunate with most professionals I've dealt with as she was the only one who irked me. I would be sceptical of a lifecoach but I know there's resources I can tap into if I want though if I were to raise this with someone it wouldn't be until the autumn due to the college situation. Isn't it possible to become weary of counselling though perhaps I'm watching too much of the Sopranos. My first counsellor was really excellent but I don't feel I quite connected with the one a few months ago.

Confidence and self esteem tend to be pretty non existent though I sometimes between high and low in the same day.

Thank you for letting me ramble.