Drama Queen or Doormat?

LegacyUser

Hi guys,
I've been feeling a bit down lately.
Basically it's down to a lack of quality time with my bf.
I haven't said anything because I'm not sure if I'm being reasonable or not.

I'm not even sure if I'll be able to describe the situation to you well enough, but I'll try.

Basically, we're in our mid 20's, not living together (both still live at home), no kids, dating just under 2 years.
We're not the most outgoing of couples, but I still like to get out on a Sat night say every 2 weeks or so.

My problem is that it seems we don't have our on life at the minute, & no one, including my bf seems to think that we should have!!!

We rarelt see each other during the week. This is both our faults tbh as we both have sports commitments, but on the days where we don't, he still (more often than not) finds something more important / urgent to do than spend time with me. This might be fair enough.

We normally see each other for a couple of hours on a Fri night.

On a saturday, he generally has work to do around the house, or jobs to do for family & friends, so I don't see him until 7ish.
We then either go out, or get a DVD & stay in.

We more often than not spend Sundays together.

Generally, in all the hours in the week, the only time we're alone is on the Fir eve when he generally visits me, or if we go out on a Sat night.

Why?
He has a niece, he adores her. He has a very inconsiderate & rude sister (mother of child). We get landed (constantly) with babysitting. She's a great wee girl & I love her to bits, but lately I just feel like I'm the babysitter.
If I do see him on a Saturday, it's because he's babysitting. Prob is, the wee girl loves me too & gets all excited when I visit, which is really lovely, she thinks I'm there to visit her, so I spend the entire day playing with her while he watches telly or does little jobs around the house. This leaves me shattered.

Though his family are lovely, I'm sometimes left to feel guilty (prob not their intention), because they say he should bring the niece here & there, & generally he's not because I'm there.

Unless we go out on a Sat night, we're left to babysit, while the mum goes out on the town, the same on Sun night.
Even if we say we're going out (he's only really going out cos I've said I want to), the guilt trip is put on him to try & get him to stay in.

I had said last weekend that I needed to be somewhere at x o clock. The sis arrived & insisted that my bf do something for her, which meant that I would not be where I needed to be at x o clock. guess who won, & I'll give you a clue:- it wasn't me!!! (I think he could tell I wasn't happy, but neither of us said anything about it)

I'm not a demanding person. If I need something, I ask, if I'm refused I leave it at that, no harm done. I don't like to look like a spoilt wee princess who has to get her way, so I trundle along by myself & figure out who to do a lot of things that in reality I prob shouldn't be doing, because I don't like hassling people. Because of this, I feel my bf doesn't even realise thie is starting to get to me, cos when he says something like I've to go home, I'm babysitting, I say ok, instead of screaming at the top of my voice, which is what I feel like doing!!!

The only person I've ever heard him say no to & mean it, & stick to it is me. When his family ask for something, they take his no as being a yes & force him into doing it. I'm not like that, but because of this, I seem to come last.

It really came to a head last weekend & I'd had enough. I spent every minute of last Sat playing with the child, I was shattered & I was working that night, wouldn't be home til 3ish. Don't even think there was a cuddle at any stage.
On Sunday I knew it'd be the same, so I didn't bother visiting. I pottered about doing things around my own house. He contacted me at 5pm. He came down, we went into my local town for a few bits & pieces, he left me home. 1/2 an hour later was 6.45. He got up & went home, because he had to babysit.
I was so upset, but said nothing.
So, from that 1.5hrs til tomorrow morn, I have not seen him, & I know this weekend will prob be a repeat of last weekend, & I'm so not able to put on a brave face anymore.

I was SO ready to cry last Sun.

Am I just being hormonal or something, or should I be feeling like I am, cos I really don't know anymore.
I know he loves me & thinks the world of me. I think he's prob that used to being bullied into things by his sis that he takes it as being normal, & so, if I'm not bullying, I'm not wanting.
But I don't want to have to bully for notice to be taken of me.
It's not that he doesn't like / want to spend time with me, it's just he has such little sapre time & everything else seems to come before me. I also think it's important to give him a bit of time to himself.

I don't know what I'm asking really. I'm SO sorry it's SO long. I think we're gonna go out tomorrow night for a few drinks & I feel with a few in me I'm going to explode, & I really wonder if I've a right to.

Daithio

I don't think you're being entirely unreasonable, but you probably just need to let him know that this is all bothering you a bit. No need for shouting and screaming and throwing a tantrum, just take him aside and talk to him about it. It also sounds like he really needs to move out of home.

Beruthiel

downindumps wrote:

I don't know what I'm asking really.

From what I just read, you're asking why your b/f seems to put everyone else first with you coming in last.
The answer to that question is because you let him.
No need to explode over this, go out, and explain to him how you feel and you want it to change.
You are not his sisters free babysitter, now and again is fine for when she's stuck, but to expect it on such a regular basis is taking the piss imo and your b/f needs to decide whither he wants to be a babysitter or have a g/f.

LegacyUser

'Also meant to say:- we haven't been intimate in a month.

There are good reasons for this, so it's not the issue, but I think it could also be part of the reason why I'm feeling down & more like the babysitter, & less like the gf.

Thanks for the advice.
I guess I will talk to him, if we ever get time to ourselves!!!

It's just, I hate whining, that's all he ever hears, but I guess I'm gonna have to if I want to remain happy in this relationship.

I just wondered if making an issue of it would be OTT'

Kell

Beruthiel wrote:

The answer to that question is because you let him.

Smacks of trying to put him on a chain there Bru!! The only person that lets him be walked over by his family, particulary sister, is him. He needs to grow a set of balls, start saying no to other people and make time for his GF.

OP- after two years, I would be still quite happy to spend between 60/70% of my time with a GF, and I do love my "me time".

K-

IrishMike

OP i think your situation is a bit of a joke to be honest.
Im going out with my g/f 18 months id say.
Play hurling and train and/or have a match at least 3 nites a week but i still
see her at least 2 nites a week and for the entire weekend.
Plus we talk on the fone a good bit outside that.
He only has more important things to do because he thinks you are ok with it.
Sit him down and lay down the law as it were.
Its great that he loves his niece but he is not the childs father.
He sounds like the doormat to be honest and you are not far behind.
You both need to have a serious talk or else you will end up resenting his family, the niece and for a finish him!

LegacyUser

'I don't know how many times we've went to go out for our Sunday dinner ALONE, when she kicks up a racket that her daughter would love to go, so the 2 of them come too & then expect my bf to pay for all, & he does.

If we've been away the day & are on route home & think of stopping for food we can't, cos if we go home there'll be holy war if she found out we ate without consulting her.

Instead, we've to ring her, find out what she wants & then order something for ourselves from where ever we've decided.

He allows her to spend his money as she sees fit (he feels sorry for her, lone parent & all)

He buys her & daughter presents all the time, without occasion. I get presents for christmas & my b'day. Never at any other time.
I don't expect presents at any other time, nor do I think I should get them, but why the hell spoil a brat that treats him like crap. (the mother, not the daughter)

Last weekend also p!ssed me off cos we were landed with the child because the mother had had a disagreement with the father, so he wasn't getting to see the child that weekend.
So, instead of her being put out by this, we were instead!

I honestly don't see this situation changing!

I really do love him, & I really would like the rest of my life with him, but I can still see in say 3 years time, us building a house, with a massive mortgage, stone broke & he'll still be forking out all our money to her so she can go out & buy clothes etc that she doesn't need from stores she can't afford.

My bf's a quiet guy, he doesn't do arguments, he doesn't get annoyed, he just lets her rattle away & gets what she wants.
So even though he'll listen to waht I say, & he may agree with what I'm saying, I don't see it having much of a long term affect.

She justs twists everything so that it's the niece who wants whatever the particular thing happens to be, & he can't refuse his neice.

He's promised to do something for me for over 9 months now, it's still not done, & doesn't look like it will be anytime soon.

Sorry I'm ranting, I just really feel like crying right now, I'm SO frustrated.

Thanks for reading'

Kell

DownInDumps wrote:

Sorry I'm ranting,

Yes, yes you are.

DownInDumps wrote:

I just really feel like crying right now, I'm SO frustrated.

Not surprising. Only me, but if I were that unhappy and frustrated after two years it would be adios amigo. You are really not happy so why continue to be treated like you werent there?

DownInDumps wrote:

I honestly don't see this situation changing!

Says it all really.


K-

Beruthiel

Kell wrote:

Smacks of trying to put him on a chain there Bru!!

More of if you act like a doormat, people will treat you like one.

The only person that lets him be walked over by his family, particulary sister, is him. He needs to grow a set of balls, start saying no to other people and make time for his GF.

Totally agree, he is also acting like the doormat for his family.

This would all be cleared up if one or both of them moved out of the home and got their own place.

Oryx

downindumps, I think youve been very reasonable, for a very long time. It reads to me like you are the only one being reasonable towards your bf, and so you are the one who is suffering because you never force any issue with him.

You obviously love him, but hate his situation and resent the fact that he has no backbone to stand up to his bullying family. His sister sounds like a right piece of work, although of course I only have one opinion! If you are this unhappy and frustrated now it will only ruin your relationship if you dont say your piece to your bf. Tell him how you feel, as you have done here. Dont be kind to him or consider that he doesnt need the row. You do! Decide for yourself what you would like to change and tell him, see if he thinks it can happen. From there you will know if the two of you can change things enough to stay together.