good reason to dump gf?

LegacyUser

My girlfriend doesnt like getting intimate anymore (for a while now), I know the reasons behind this, but thats not what I need help on, I really don't know if I should dump her or not, I love her dearly but theres only so long I can do without the intimate side of things, I know she loves me too, it would be much easier if I didn't love and care about her, the reasons behind her not wanting to get intimate are not going to be resolved anytime soon.

I am trying to help her through it, not putting pressure on her etc but she says its something she has to get through in her own time. So should I stay with her through it and hope she works through it or split up with her? I know that probably sounds cold and selfish but its killing me to be with someone that I love and not be intimate with them.

Beruthiel

need_advice87 wrote:

So should I stay with her through it and hope she works through it or split up with her?

Only you can really answer that question.

I know that probably sounds cold and selfish but its killing me to be with someone that I love and not be intimate with them.

Have you discussed the above with her?

LegacyUser

depends whether you ACTUALLY love her or not. If you do truely love her, waiting for a few months or whatever shouldn't be a problem in the big scheme of things. If sex is more important to you than losing her then i'd say you probably don't love her as much as ya think ya do.

LegacyUser

I really do love her, and its been more then a 'few months' and it will
be many more months before its sorted, I know sex isn't the be all and end all of a relationship but people have needs.

I have spoken to her about it many times, its just not something that will be resolved for her for a while.

Beetlebum

You love your girlfriend but yet your contemplating breaking up with her just because you can't have sex for a few months? Jesus, to me sex is a hugely important part of my relationships but if I was in love with somebody, I wouldn't dream of leaving them just because we couldn't have sex. Sure, I'd be frustrated but I'd be willing to wait if I really loved the guy. I don't think your actually in love with her, maybe you should reconsider your entre relationship.

Wibbs

It's a tough one. If you truly love her you will be prepared to wait is easy to say, but hard to implement, especially in the early part of a relationship.

Also how do you define intimate? Are you talking no intercourse or is she completely off the idea of intimacy at all beyond a kiss on the cheek? If it's the former then it would be frustrating, but not the end of the world as there are other things to be getting on with, if it's the latter(and I presume it is), then this will sooner or later wreck the relationship. How long is this likely to continue?

As it is the relationship is on a friends level. This is a good thing, but the sexual frustration is likely to bubble up and hurt that friendship.

I like Beruthiel would ask, have you discussed this with her?

Maybe the two of you do need space. A break as it were, not a break up.* In your case it may not be. Still be friends and see how it goes.


*You will have to explain this to her very clearly, that it is indeed a break as in 99% of cases a break is exactly the same as a breakup*. The difference in words is just to let the person being dumped "down easy". Saying you need space is also a code for you're dumped so as I said if you do go down this route, be clear this is not what you mean.

Kell

need_advice87 wrote:

I know the reasons behind this,

Perhaps if you cared to share this nugget of information, the great unwashed on boards may be better suited to telling you why dumping her is rational or not.

K-

Wibbs

Beetlebum wrote:

You love your girlfriend but yet your contemplating breaking up with her just because you can't have sex for a few months? Jesus, to me sex is a hugely important part of my relationships but if I was in love with somebody, I wouldn't dream of leaving them just because we couldn't have sex. Sure, I'd be frustrated but I'd be willing to wait if I really loved the guy. I don't think your actually in love with her, maybe you should reconsider your entre relationship.

I agree with you, but there's a saying that goes along the lines of "a woman needs to feel loved to have sex, a man needs sex to feel loved". Now it's a trite generalisation to be sure, but there is some truth in it.

I have been in a slightly similar position in the past and while it didn't go on for a particularly long period of time, I did start to feel out of place in the relationship. I felt far less connected to the woman. You also feel that it might be a sign that the end is nigh(often one of the signs of a relationship going south is sex being off the menu). I did anyway and I knew that wasn't the case.

It also depends on the length of the relationship in question.

LegacyUser

We have been going out three years now, the reasons why she doesn't want sex isn't the issue for me, its not that she is not attracted to me as she
does have genuine problems, its whether I can last as long as it takes
to sort these issues, I honestly know sex isn't everything, but how long
can you realistically wait even if you love someone?

Kell

need_advice87 wrote:

she does have genuine problems,

which you havent explained to us therefore rendering us useless to pontificate as to whether dumping her is the right thing to do.

Example

Q- Should I dump my girlfriend?
A- What would you like us to tell you

Q- Should I dump my girlfriend because she slept with my dad, uncle and a monkey called Pete in a bizarre love triangle?
A- Deffo. Slap that bítch. Down with that sort of thing. Silly whore etc etc ad nauseum

Now do you see?

K-

boffin

need_advice87 wrote:

its whether I can last as long as it takes
to sort these issues, I honestly know sex isn't everything, but how long
can you realistically wait even if you love someone?

Only you know the answer to that - some people could wait years and others could last months...

It sounds more from your posts that you want everyone to tell you that yes its ok to dump your girlfrind because she is not having sex with you and you have needs. IMO if I loved someone and they had genuine reasons (your words) I would respect that, support them and wait until they are ready.

monkeyfudge

That Pete is quite the rascal.

Wibbs

Three years is a fair chunk of time. Are these problems going to resolve anytime soon? Have you any timeframe in mind?

Marksie

monkeyfudge wrote:

That Pete is quite the rascal.

Monkeyfudge: Keep it on topic

Kell

Marksie wrote:

Monkeyfudge: Keep it on topic

The iron gauntlet comes down. Me sniffs many bannings in coming months.

K-

Kinetic^

Wibbs wrote:

Are these problems going to resolve anytime soon? Have you any timeframe in mind?

Yeah these are the questions you should answer first. Thing is, relationships aren't always golden. There's always something that's going to pop up and fcuk things up.....it's how one deals with them that makes you a good partner or a pr1ck.

Sangre

Whats the point of going out with someone if you can't be intimate with them? Aren't those people called friends?

Marksie

Kell: On topic please.

No more warnings folks

Cateym

I tend to agree with the others. You haven't really given us enough information to go on. As in how long has the lack of sex being going on? A year, a month? What is the nature of the problems that are inhibiting your girlfriend as in was she a victim of a sex attack, was she abused as a child, has she just had some sex -related issues lately or has she just gone off sex? Some more clarity would definitely lead to you getting some better advice.

Beetlebum

monkeyfudge wrote:

That Pete is quite the rascal.

ha ha...rascal...I love that word:) I also love pete

Marksie

Beetlebum: Banned, Off topic posting

LegacyUser

OP this sounds exactly like my situation except it's me that isn't interested in being intimate with my boyfriend. We're together 4 yrs and one of the reasons I'm not interested is (I think) due to depression which I'm being treated for. However, there are other issues there but one of the important things is that it's not just my bf I'm not interested in.....I'm just not interested in sex full stop and can't see myself being interested for the forseeable future. If he did dump me, I'm not too sure that I would care really. I believe he does love me and we have discussed things and his basic reasoning is that he loves me regardless of whether sex is on the agenda or not but that doesn't stop him trying it on and doesn't stop me feeling the pressure to have sex even if I don't feel like it. Quite frankly I've thought alot about dumping him just to get rid of that pressure and maybe somewhere deep down I'm hoping he'll do the dumping?!?

Anyway...sorry for the long post - only advice is as alot of others have said is to discuss it with her. Is it just you she's not interested in? Is it sex full stop that she's not interested in?

If you don't fancy being there for the long haul without the sex...I'd say get out of the relationship...for both your sakes!

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies, In same boat I understand where you are coming from, if your boyfriend said he is ok too wait then he should wait, my girlfriend
was abused as a child and a year ago start going to therapy for this, so I will probably come across as 'only after one thing' but its been 11 months since we had sex, obviously alot of stuff from the past came out in therapy so thats why at the moment she doesn't want sex, she still has a long long way to go before we can think of having a normal sex life.

Marksie

need_advice87 wrote:

Thanks for the replies, In same boat I understand where you are coming from, if your boyfriend said he is ok too wait then he should wait, my girlfriend
was abused as a child and a year ago start going to therapy for this, so I will probably come across as 'only after one thing' but its been 11 months since we had sex, obviously alot of stuff from the past came out in therapy so thats why at the moment she doesn't want sex, she still has a long long way to go before we can think of having a normal sex life.

I wouldn't say that you are after only one thing. It is terribly brave of her to confront this particular daemon and for 11 months you have undoubtedly supported her.

All i would say is to try and keep intimacy going rather than allowing it to drift.
While she is in therapy OP what are you doing? Is it possible that you could both attend counselling sessions?

I hope that you both do work this out

Blessings
M

Rb

Dump her.

dudara

rb_ie, care to elaborate on your reply? Otherwise, you're not being particularly helpful.

Posters, please show some sensitivity in your answers.

AngryBadger

It sounds like an impossible situation. As has been said you've been a rock of support for the last 11 months, so full marks there. But you do have to be fair to youraelf as well and your girlfriend.

To me if you're thinking about this then you should probably end things with your gf. In some ways her trying to deal with her problems, which are huge things for anyone to try and process, it may even be confounded by the fact that away from her own specific problems she's tring to address sex with you in the context of a healthy relationship.

I'd consider that maybe breaking up would be the best thing. Obviously you can still be there for her in as much as possible, but honestly it sounds to me like you'd just be ,aking the current situation official.

Not to be crass, but as somebody already stated for guys a lot of our emotional needs are tied into our sexual needs, and I believe if those aren't being satisfied in a relationship in the way you describe the people involved are going to drift apart.

Anyway that's just my two cents, fair dews for sticking with it thus far!

G&T

Thing you have done as much as you can as a boyfriend,
she may even be relieved not to have to think of your feelings too.
Think your girlfriend needs a friend not a boyfriend.
Can ye call it a day and still remain friends ?

LegacyUser

I am very proud of her, it was very difficult to face up to what happened to her, we are very good friends and although I am not there during the week (I go to college in Dublin) for her, she knows she can ring me night and day and I'd be there for her.

I don't know what my aim was posting here really, at the end of the day I love this girl to pieces and don't want to hurt her any more then she already is, sometimes I just get a little frustrated but I usually calm down after awhile.

Thanx for all your replies folks.

Wibbs

She's lucky to have you. That's for sure and you're lucky to have someone where just her presence as a friend for 11 months is enough. Good luck to both of you.

LegacyUser

Tough job man, I try put myself in hypothetical situations like this sometimes to see if i really do love my girlfriend, and i reckon no matter how tough it is, to stick with her and try work it out because if you really love her, you will...if and i feel bad saying this but if sex is off the cards (since sex is not everything) completely and you seem you have come to the end of the line with the relationship in general and not just this reason, then break up with her...

Binomate

love her or not wrote:

If sex is more important to you than losing her then i'd say you probably don't love her as much as ya think ya do.

Biggest load of crap ever. Sex is a fundamental part of every relationship.


To the Op, talk to her, and wait a couple of weeks. If no profit, dump.

Rb

dudara wrote:

rb_ie, care to elaborate on your reply? Otherwise, you're not being particularly helpful.

Posters, please show some sensitivity in your answers.

Didn't see the part about his girlfriends issues.

We'll, since she was abused, obviously its a different case than I originally thought. However, I don't understand how she was once comfortable with intimacy, but now is not. Anyway, if you can handle a woman with such baggage, and be prepared for a long wait to a normal, healthy sex life, then go for it. Support her and try and get her through it.

However, again I don't understand how this has suddenly become an issue, where is was not before. Its a lot to ask of you, to abstain from the intimacy that is a part of every healthy adult relationship. That said, sex is a way of expressing your love for your loved one/girlfriend/wife, but you sticking by her in this hard time will demonstate your love for her even more, so if you can stick it out and be satisfied with choking the bishop for the next while, I'm sure your relationship/bond afterwards will be rewarding.

Best of luck with it anyway.

bug

rb_ie wrote:

Didn't see the part about his girlfriends issues.
However, I don't understand how she was once comfortable with intimacy, but now is not...
However, again I don't understand how this has suddenly become an issue, where is was not before. Its a lot to ask of you, to abstain from the intimacy that is a part of every healthy adult relationship.
Best of luck with it anyway.

I initially thought that too reading the thread, but in saying that.. depending on what the councilling she's going through, they may be bringing out experiences with sex from the abuse that were never in the front of her mind but caused her problems in other behavioural ways perhaps?
Now that its all there...right in the forefront of her mind...who knows how she is thinking...

It may be a very personal experience for her, going through all of this, but it might help if you knew by talking to her if any progress was being made..even in the slightest, it may give you hope of embarking on a sexual relationship again, and the prospect of it giving you a little hope.

I would be of the mind that if it is bothering you to such a huge extent that maybe you should remain friends and support her as such if possible.

Its a very tough situation to be in.

Could I ask, ..was she having problems before she began the therapy in other ways? Did she ever talk to you about it?

king_of_inismac

I really commend the poster for supporting his g/f through this very tough time. It really shows a lot of character.

However, it can be quite easy to get into the habit of suppressing your own needs in order to support her. The danger is you might begin to RESENT it. This is not good for you or HER.

Do this one thing at least, sit down and talk to her about the way your feeling. Its not a blame game. Explain you want to be supportive but also explain how the lack of intimacy is getting you down.

The best scenario is that maybe you guys can get intimate again, the worst case she knows how you feel, and you won't be feeling as isolated.

By the way, it does sound like you guys have a great relationship as is....

Kell

need_advice87 wrote:

and although I am not there during the week (I go to college in Dublin) for her, she knows she can ring me night and day and I'd be there for her.

I was in the same position <sex aside> in the past and it came to end, primarily because I just didnt have the resources to support my ex. This is something you have to figure out i.e. do I have the strength to carry two people through this. If not, so be it and theres no shame in saying that you cant do it.

Someone else said earlier that you are not a trained professional and perhaps she needs a friend now more than anything else. Are YOU prepared to be just a friend and put so much aside at such an early stage of your life?

K-

rockbeer

Respect to you OP for the patience and support you have shown your gf up to now.

One thought that comes to mind is that you could agree up front that there will be no sex between you for a fixed amount of time - say 3 or 6 months, whatever seems appropriate to you both. That way she'll be free of the pressure she must be under at the moment to keep you satisfied. And although it'll be a long haul for you, at least you'll know what you're in for and can find a way to deal with it rather than wondering every night whether this will be the night with all the hope and frustration that goes along with that kind of situation.

She might even be open to the idea of you sleeping with other people during this time, although that obviously depends on her view of such things.

Either way, this will give her a window in which to work on her issues without worrying so much about your feelings. It will also give you a chance to consider where you're headed. When the time's up, you can talk about it all again and decide where to go from there.

And who knows, freed from the pressure, she might even seduce you before the time's up

I know how it is - I was celibate for a full year with my ex; still don't know how I got through that time, felt like I was going mad for much of it.

Anyway, the very best of luck with this difficult situation.