Paternity Issue

LegacyUser

I posting here basically because I really have no idea what else I can do at this stage and would welcome any constructive suggestions.

Cutting a very long story short, I had what was essentially a fling with an American woman last year after which she informed me that she was pregnant. I do believe that the child is most likely mine, but there are a number of reasons that have put doubt in my mind.

Where we now stand is that she is now in New York where she intends to have the child (due in the next few weeks) and where I believe also intends to remain and live. She has dual nationality (US/Irish) and has also lived in Ireland for several years in the past.

I am certainly no saint and could have handled things better at times, but I have been pretty consistent (except for a few days when I flipped) that I was willing to act as a father and to also financially contribute.

Once back in New York she then asked me to sign the birth certificate, which upon examination I discovered is a legally binding document there that would allow her to sue me remotely. I asked her if this was her intention or if recognition was the issue, and she has refused to respond. She also does not work and my understanding is that she does not intend to do so for the foreseeable future.

I've repeatedly attempted to negotiate with her, but this falls apart almost immediately, either because she doesn't like what I'm offering or because I'm not simply sending her money without any agreement or sometimes even for no apparent reason at all. As such any discussion has tended to start and fall apart before any progress has been made and the few times there has been any agreement she throws it out the moment there's any disagreement. She has also never shown any interest (outside of hostility) in my having any actual say in my child's future.

She informed me today that she intends to start legal proceedings to have me made a legal father the moment our child is born. My suspicion and fear is that she intends to do this so that she may pursue me from a country that I have no status in (I'm not a US citizen), practical knowledge of or even ever visited. Doing this I believe it is her intention to simply milk me for all she can and make it difficult to impossible for me to have any real say in my child's future.

As I've said, I've no problem in stepping up to my responsibilities as a father. However, I do believe that some of her expectations are unrealistic (she essentially is looking for me to support her and give her a certain standard of living) and certainly don't feel that I should be simply writing a cheque with no questions asked.

I've pleaded with her to reconsider and try to negotiate with me, perhaps using some form of mediation to aid the process. I know that if it does go legal, then that will be it and things will get very, very nasty. So I simply don't know what avenue to take at this stage, outside of waiting for the inevitable letter in the post or hoping she reconsiders and comes to the table.

Femelade

Just tell her you want to do a paternity test before you sign anything..
tell her if you are going to pay her money it will be for the child and not her, and if you are paying maintenance and are named on the birth cert then you will also be entitied to access..

Jumpy

Femmy wrote:

Just tell her you want to do a paternity test before you sign anything..
tell her if you are going to pay her money it will be for the child and not her, and if you are paying maintenance and are named on the birth cert then you will also be entitied to access..

Agreed on the Paternity test. But I assume that would be part of the lawsuit.
If she is refusing to answer your questions, then force her to go the law route. She may not considering the costs it would incur, especially considering you are not a US citizen.
Bear in mind though, you did make the bed, if the child is yours you need to accept that and be a man about it.

_blank_

Jumpy wrote:

Bear in mind though, you did make the bed, if the child is yours you need to accept that and be a man about it.

He has stated, at least twice, in his post that he has no objections to doing this.

He is not trying to get out of being a father to the child, he is, in fact, looking to NOT be just be a cheque in the post from Ireland.

Magic Pips

If it was me, i'd be looking for a paternity test and fight for custody... but thats just me!

Paternity test, then legal advice would be my suggestion

antoinolachtnai

Legal advice first, then maybe the paternity test, I would say.

I would say that you may need US based family law advice for this. But that is arguable, go and see a family law solicitor here first.

Personally, I wouldn't try and negotiate with her directly anymore, at least until you've had the professional legal advice.

Did you notice that I mentioned getting professional legal advice in every paragraph? Really, you need someone who can help you deal with this in a sensitive but firm way.

Jumpy

seansouth wrote:

He has stated, at least twice, in his post that he has no objections to doing this.

He is not trying to get out of being a father to the child, he is, in fact, looking to NOT be just be a cheque in the post from Ireland.

Yup that was for people reading my post, not specifically for him. I want people to respond to his post, not mine.

Elessar

Do not hold your breath going the law route. You are an unmarried father, and, particularly in America, have pretty much zero rights to anything in relation to your child. No court in the land will grant you joint custody (in a separate country?!). Basically you are living every mans worst nightmare. I really feel for you. But one thing strikes me as fishy. She wants you to sign the birth cert before the baby is born?! How do you even know it is yours? Sounds to me like she is latching onto the one money machine she knows she was with and is desperately trying to set you up legally as her financial provider.

Two words: PATERNITY TEST. You may not be the father. Even the courts would agree with this.

If it is yours well, and the mother is constantly fighting you then my friend you are in for a long and painful life ahead. Good luck.

Remember: PATERNITY TEST

Edit: Also do not do anything she says. Not one thing. Consult with a solicitor about everything.

LegacyUser

'''''''Get the other side of the story....

1. It was not a fling but it was not an established relationship either.

2. He dumped me 5 months into the pregnancy.

3. He asked for the paternity test also five months into the pregnancy, the evening before I left for the US. I have agreed to to him getting it if he wants it. I am having the baby in the US because the healthcare is better and I have a better support system when the baby is born. The father offerred no guaranteed help with the newborn.

4. He has said that when the dna test verifies his paternity he still may not put his name on the birth cert.

5. I asked him how much access he wants. He has committed to possibly once a month.

6. As for maintenence, I have not demanded an amount. He has offered 50 a week. So far, with the exception of a small contribution early on in the pregnancy, I have paid for everything, clothes, buggies, medical, etc. So in fact he is screwing me financially.

7. He told me if the child is disabled he will have nothing to do with it.

8. He has also threatened to walk on several occasions making it very difficult to invest in any promise he makes.

My preference in going legal is to minimise stress for both of us. You should consider these facts when offerring this man advice.'''''''

seahorse

This woman sounds greedy, grasping and, I'll be straight about it; like she's just looking for a meal ticket. There is a HUGE difference between child maintanance payments and alimony, which from what you've said is what she's looking for here. Your responsibilities are towards the child - not her. (that is assuming the child is yours, I'd also second the advice that a paternity test is VITAL) She is not your wife, from whom you've seperated or divorced, and as such, she has NO RIGHT to expect alimony from you, and I have to say you'd be a fool to give it to her. You need legal advice urgently. You should seek someone who specialises in the area of family law.

This woman seems to have her head in the clouds. She dosent seem at all willing to accept that if you are contributing to this childs upringing that in itself gives you rights as to how your child is raised. That's a misconception on her part that I would make it my business to remedy, if I were you.

She ought to be thankful she was lucky enough to get pregnant by a decent man who intends to do the right thing. So many other women have the opposite experience; getting pregnant for an arsehole who heads for the hills and would balk at the thoughts of child support, never mind alimony!

Good luck to you. I'd be interested to read an update when you've gotten your legal advice.

Idbatterim

this is so serious i wouldnt mess around, get advice from a solicitor and insist on a paternity test, there was another tread on a similar topic yesterday, where i posted my opinion. If my gf ever tells me shes pregnant,she knows whats to be done and agrees with me on the issue, with the precautions we take the chances should be almost non existant. if i was with a girl who at our age didnt agree to an abortion i either wouldnt be with her or wouldnt sleep with her!

jellie

Idbatterim wrote:

if i was with a girl who at our age didnt agree to an abortion i either wouldnt be with her or wouldnt sleep with her!

That is the most f**ked up attitude.. if you cant handle the responsibilities of sex you really shouldnt be having it. planning an abortion before anyones pregnant just leaves me speechless...

but anyway on topic: OP im sure youve got the point by now: legal advice. And as someone else said, it would probably be best to limit all contact with her to through a solicitor.

estar

go to a solicitor and seek advice

she has all the cards in her hands at the moment as she
knows US law but you havent a clue, and no one else on this
forum is likely to be a US paternity law expert either
and that is what you need

you are right not to pay out money without knowing you are
the father, its not like you were both in a long term relationship
before the pregnancy, so thats quite logical

i am not even sure that she can enforce her child support
from a different continent

not that you shouldnt support your child - but it sounds like
she is being unreasonable

so find out where you stand regarding the law now -

it wont cost that much to seek legal advice, and puts you
both on an even footing.

that way, to be honest, you can communicate through your
solicitor

which is ALWAYS the best way when dealing with unreasonable
people like that in the situation you are in.

that way everything is above board, you have proof of everything
you agree to, she signs it you sign it

etc

sign NOTHING until the paternity test results are out.

DeVore

This is not a personal issue, its a legal one really. Get legal advice. Get a paternity test. If it is your baby then cough up and if its your child you should have SOME say in their life but I dont know the law in the US as to fathers rights.

To the mother, if you want his support you have to include him in the equation as far as some sort of access and involvment is concerned. You simply cannot treat him like an ATM.

Oh and 50 a week is a joke. Babies are expensive. Ironically condoms are cheap.

DeV.

Beruthiel

DeVore wrote:

This is not a personal issue, its a legal one really.

Then I'm closing it.

DeVore

Probably for the best Ruthie...

DeV.