Sex issues with GF coming to a head...

LegacyUser

Had something of an incident with the girlfriend there at the weekend. First, here's a little background info you may want.
Both 19, been going out 7 months. Both still virgins.

We were in her house (bedroom) alone and started fooling around, having ourselves a grand ol' time. I should note at this point that it had been quite a long time since we'd done anything of this sort and basically have not done a whole lot of it (sexual intimacy etc), or at least as much as I would like, since we started together - something which I was quite unhappy about on a regular basis. But anyway here we were at it again. She gets naked, I do too. She asks I have a condom, I tell her I do. I go get it, bring the pack back over with me and go back to bed with her. Continue to fool around a little, as I was in no rush, wanted to take my time with it, enjoy myself, and also wait 'till I was sufficiently hard to throw the ol' johnny on.

Now, my girlfriend, god bless 'er, has this tendency to just A) not ever be in the mood for sexytime and Suddenly and inexplicably snap right out of the mood, during sex (not necessarily talking about full-on penetrative when I use that term).
This has actually left me a little bit over conscious of things like 'oh, how long do I have left until she says she wants to stop' and 'I'd better hurry up', or 'Oh, if I stop for a second her mood will wane, falter and she'll fall out of the mood'. I'm sure you can imagine the effect all this overthinking has on my mood/level of arousal, never mind hers.


So, long story short (no pun nintendo-ed), I couldn't get hard enough quickly enough to properly put on protection, and surprise surprise she suddenly tells me she wants to stop. Which is fair enough. I didn't argue, despite being awfully disappointed from that instant onward. I just nodded my head quietly and looked away, I was pretty much ashamed at that instant and did not feel comfortable. It takes a lot for me to feel comfortable enough to get naked in front of anyone and this burst my comfort bubble to pieces, really. So I wanted to get dressed ASAP and in an effort to get free kind of pushed her legs away from me, which she took really personally, having all the while been asking me if I was angry or annoyed with her and me telling her no, it was fine, that I wasn't. And she started to cry. I hugged her, reassured her and explained to her straight away (I can't stand seeing her cry, it's awful for me altogether) and she stopped soon enough.

Despite being a little bit annoyed at her for wanting to stop, as always, I was at the time more annoyed with myself for getting so nervous and failing to get it up (something so incredibly, completely out of character for me, normally I can't keep teh cock down)! But I've since realised that it wasn't really my fault, it was only natural in the circumstances. So all I'm left with now is that little bit of an issue with her...

Anyway, and I'm guessing this is the real kicker, is that she still seems to be afraid of my cock. Despite telling my how she wanted to feel it in her and so on, if I ask her to touch it, she gets all scared and coy and basically just recoils. I just don't know what gives. I've no probably being touchy-feely with any part of her. She knows this, she's experienced it first 'hand'...I just don't know how to approach this with her. I definitely see it as a problem. Something's wrong and I can't help thinking it comes back to her not being as physically attracted to me as is necessary. But hey, maybe that's stupid paranoid talk, because she's "going out with me, isn't she?" That's the line I tend to hear when I question; that she wouldn't be going out with me if she didn't want to x, y, z...but I can only hear that so many times before I want her to show me.

Little bit of more info:
She's never orgasmed from foreplay.
She hasn't let me give her oral yet (probably goes a long way toward explaining the previous bit of info there)...
She's never really, now that I think about it, made use of my cock in any way. Sure, she's grabbed it, caressed it briefly. That's 'bout it, tho. I hope I'm not coming off as completely head-between-my-legs here, but over a long time these things do become bothersome issues...
During sex/foreplay she's not really very bothered with touching me. Usually I'll be eh, servicing her. It's not that I don't get anything out of doing that for her and myself, it's just...where's the give & take?

If I try talking "dirty" (I disagree with what that word implies...'dirt' has such negative connotations) to her, she's as like as not to reply by saying something like "ewww" or tell me that's gross...


It's been this way for months already with no discernable improvement. I don't think just waiting it out any longer and expecting things to progress naturally in the sex dept is going to work. I feel like I should say something, but I don't want to put pressure on her. But then again, maybe I do, just a little?!?

I guess we're not really ready for full sex, as a result of this. If we started doing it now I could see it only being in some kind of disfunctional and limited way.

What should I do?
Well, I know the answer to that question, sorry. I should talk to her about it. But how should I do that? How can I put it, what can I say that won't A) really upset her, probably make her even more nervous about sex and C) put her under pressure and make her think I'm unhappy with her... ?

Sometimes, in my weaker moments, I think I must be some kind of completely pussy-whipped sucker of a cuddle-bitch to have let things go on so long without getting satisfaction. But most of the time I know that's really just twisted thinking...

The last time I brought up my dissatisfaction with our sex life she got really worried that I was going to dump her. Sure the thought had crossed my mind, but there was no way I was telling her that. You say something like that and it's quite likely game over for the relationship. I don't want to make her feel like she's hanging on by a thread in this relationship and that it's a case of "shape up or ship out" or anything... I love her. I don't want to leave her.
Advise!
Thanks a heap, people

alantc

You barley mention that you love or care for her. Break up and find a girl without the headache. She's not going to suddenly change. If you don't listen to me you can look forward to another year+ of this before you listen to me.

king_of_inismac

You barley mention that you love or care for her. Break up and find a girl without the headache. She's not going to suddenly change. If you don't listen to me you can look forward to another year+ of this before you listen to me.

rubbish! if you have this attitude with every relationship, you'll never meet someone special. The more relationships you have, the more you'll realise that EVERYONE (including you!) has their issues. You do really seem to care about this girl, so you owe it to her to give her a chance.

If you're old enough to have sex, you are old enough to talk about these issues. Communication is the key. In your post you are just guessing what the issue is. Approach it this way: Don't accuse her, just tell her that you want both of you to be happy, and have a good relationship, and sex is an important part of that. In that way you can be supportive, and hopefully resolve the problem.

Best of luck!

Beruthiel

unrollerblades wrote:

What should I do?
Well, I know the answer to that question, sorry. I should talk to her about it. But how should I do that? How can I put it, what can I say that won't A) really upset her, probably make her even more nervous about sex and C) put her under pressure and make her think I'm unhappy with her... ?

As another poster said, if you're old enough to have sex, you're old enough to talk.
Find a nice quiet place where ye won't be disturbed for the discussion. Start with telling her how much you care about her and that you'd like to have a close, adult relationship with her.
Tell her that you understand that she could be nervous, but if there's an under lying problem, you're just not getting it and are confused as to why she needs to stop half way through.
Tell her that she needs to talk to you about this and explain so that you can understand what's going on.
Tell her that as it is, you're feeling out of the loop and want to help sort this if you can.

actually left me a little bit over conscious of things like 'oh, how long do I have left until she says she wants to stop' and 'I'd better hurry up', or 'Oh, if I stop for a second her mood will wane, falter and she'll fall out of the mood'. I'm sure you can imagine the effect all this overthinking has on my mood/level of arousal, never mind hers.

You know, from the above, I'm getting the following:
She's not ready, she's trying to be for your sake in order to keep you happy, but she's not ready.

Again, you'll only know that for sure if ye talk.

Also, sounds like the whole thing is rushed, if she was properly turned by lots of foreplay, I don't see how she could just stop half way through, in fact, I don't know many people who could.
You need to work on your foreplay big time.

Beetlebum

Hi Op,

It sounds to me like you have a very healthy sexual appetite and a natural curiosity which you'd like to explore. You come across as caring, understanding and patient and your girlfriend is a lucky girl. A lot of guys your age would've left her by now for not 'putting out' and found themselves some easier chick who'd happily shag them. Fair play to you for wanting more than just the act of shagging, you seem to want to connect with her and please her, good man.

Hhmm...approaching the subject could be tricky because it's such a sensitive area...ahem....but it's inevitable that you do as this situation won't change by itself. Sit your girlfriend down and start by telling her how much she means to you. Reassure her that your happy with her and have no thoughts whatsoever of leaving her. Maybe even take her out for a meal and go for a pint afterwards then bring it up. Tell her straight up that you think you BOTH need to work on your sex life a bit. By saying both, your distributing the blame and she won't feel soley responsible. Tell her you think she's really sexy and you'd like to explore things further. Also, tell her it can be abit frustrating for you when she stops mid act.
Your sexual satisfaction is just as important as hers so these things have to be said and your not an assh*le in any way at all for saying them. Even if she crys or something, remember that your just being honest with her. Hope it goes well for you although be prepared for the possible outcome that your just not suited sexually. If thats the case, you may have to leave her and find someone more compatible. I don't think that'll happen though, you guys just need to talk, practise and enjoy...

~nop~

She sounds absolutely terrified tbh. She seems to like the theory of you guys having sex, etc, but once it gets to the actual act she just clams up and gets scared. I'm not sure how you two can fix this except by reassuring her, and maybe getting her to have a few drinks beforehand? But only of course if she says that this is something she wants to do.
Also maybe make sure the setting is right. Some of that old classical stuff like candles etc could be what shes into, and could reassure her that you do actually like her, youre not just using her for this one thing etc.
Good luck!

AnonoBoy

~nop~ wrote:

I'm not sure how you two can fix this except by reassuring her, and maybe getting her to have a few drinks beforehand?

Do NOT suggest to her that she have a few drinks to 'loosen up' or anything of the sort. If she's not ready and goes ahead with something because she's drunk then she will regret it and, most likely, you will regret it.

LegacyUser

Just be patient and sit tight and if you feel you are only with her for a shag, then move on, because it is not worth it...or fair to her.

Kell

king_of_inismac wrote:

rubbish! if you have this attitude with every relationship, you'll never meet someone special.

Rubbish. After 7 months at the age of 19 why would you have anyone projecting their issues onto you and causing you to worry about yourself everytime you get nekked? The longer he stays with this girl, the greater his feelings of inadequecy will get. Either that, or he will resent her for making him feel inadequate and dump her insensitively.

OP- have the chat if you so choose, but give yourself a goal/compromise from the chat. Bear in mind that compromise isnt her waiting until she is good and ready its about both parties giving and getting something in return. If you have the chat and nothing changes, move on. Whats the point in staying in something if you are not getting looked after as well as you could do with someone else.

K-

louisecm

Sounds to me like shes got a good old case of Irish Catholic Guilt. Best thing is, you don't even need to be Catholic to have it!

Seriously, it sounds like she is scared and uncomfortable with herself. I think you guys need to have a conversation about it - assure her that you find her beautiful and desirable and that you are willing to be patient (if you are), and ask her if she feels that you are doing something wrong by having "sexytime". Until she realises that sex is normal healthy behaviour and that there is nothing wrong with it she will probably never let go. She may also have an issue with her body, be concerned that she is different to other girls etc. There are lots of young women who have never seen any other women's equipment and therefore assume that there is something wierd about theirs. Anyway, the long and short of it is that I would imagine its going to take quite a while for her to be comfortable enough with sex to be a satisfying partner for your perfectly normal and healthy needs, so you need to decide whether you have the patience and desire to wait it out ad help her through it.

king_of_inismac

Rubbish. After 7 months at the age of 19 why would you have anyone projecting their issues onto you and causing you to worry about yourself everytime you get nekked? The longer he stays with this girl, the greater his feelings of inadequecy will get. Either that, or he will resent her for making him feel inadequate and dump her insensitively.

Its fine to leave if he has talked to her, and tried to resolve the issue. My point was you shouldn't just up sticks and leave everytime an issue comes up in a relationship.

if he explains his frustration to her, and she ignores the issue, THEN he should leave...

estar

it sounds like you like her as you are giving all this a lot of thought

its perfectly natural for you to be a little obsessed - your 19 and a
boy!! you want to get it on.

i think you should be able to talk to her about it, in a gentle way without
it getting to a crying stage. i wouldnt say its a sexual attraction problem
i think its nerves on her part. you are right to respect her nerves, and
no you are not a cuddle bitch, its called being a gentleman and more
boys should be like you.

girls take a while to get used to being sexual if they havent been
used to it before, so i wouldnt take the lack of orgasm as a bad sign

she sounds like she has a bad case of nerves possibly is afriad
of not liking full sex, doesnt know what it would be like, and is
maybe afriad you might not like it with her if its her first time.

communication is the name of the game. if you are patient and
talk to her about how she feels during sex, and what you could
do differently to make her feel comfortable, then it will be worth
the wait as sex with someone you love is far better than easy
sex with someone who might be a pro but you dont love.

maybe you could explain thats its hard to stay hard for ages.

its possible she mightnt know that.

if you are willing to get naked, you should be willing to have full
and frank conversations regarding it.

jump in there and share your thoughts in as nice a way as possible.

MojoMaker

Yes you are a cuddle-bitch, as your correctly identified. This girl is obviously pining away for a dominant guy who will take charge. At the moment it's not you. Seize the moment and take the lead and stop worrying about your performance or her 'issues'. F*ck her and enjoy it and I guarantee she will too. No woman gets naked in front of a guy unless she is ready for the c*ck on some level.

Saruman

My ex was very similar actually... she was... well not abused as such.. she was taken advantage of, or let herself be taken advantage of by older men. She was afraid of having sex, though she was not nearly as bad as you say your girlfriend is... she was also a few years younger than me, she was 20 and i was i think 24, so she was far more immature than i was.... Anyway we broke up though more becuase i wanted to settle down and she wanted to have her cake and eat it.. go out and have dates with other people... so i would talk to her.. let her know how you feel.. steel yourself against tears as she WILL cry. Then if it does not get sorted, cut your losses and find someone else.. she will then find someone eventually who she is more comfortable with and both of you will be happy.

Nevyn

So really he should press ahead and leave her feeling used and voilated;
which will most likely end the relationship and will scar the both of them.

Brillant plan.

Not everyone is ready for sex by the age of 17/18 for some people thier sexual awakening takes a lot longer.

DeVore

MojoMaker wrote:

Yes you are a cuddle-bitch, as your correctly identified. This girl is obviously pining away for a dominant guy who will take charge. At the moment it's not you. Seize the moment and take the lead and stop worrying about your performance or her 'issues'. F*ck her and enjoy it and I guarantee she will too. No woman gets naked in front of a guy unless she is ready for the c*ck on some level.

This is basically a recipe for rape and if you carry through with it you'll most likely be on the other end of it from Anto in the 'joy.

If you care for this woman, explain to her how you feel and that you want to talk it through. My suggestion would be that you plan to lose your virginity on a specific weekend, book a hotel, make a special thing of it. Planning it all with your (both) eyes open means that hopefully she wont get cold feet at last minute (almost certainly because she's worried she's making a decision in the heat of the moment and perhaps is making a mistake).

For guys losing our virginity is something we pretty much want to do asap. Its a badge of honour almost to be rid of it. For women its a much bigger deal, for some second to getting married basically! They fret and worry about such things. Is this the guy I want to remember for all of my life as "The Guy". Is this the right time? Do I love him? What colour will the drapes be in our 5 bedroom house in Castleknock and will 'lil Jimmy get into Belvo...

Most guys think: "Waaaaaaaaaaaahheeeeeeeeeeeeeeyyyyyy, I'M FINALLY GETTING BONED!.. w000t!!"

Fair dues for being considerate about her feelings but talk to her and tell her yours. But trust me on planning the sexy weekend away.

DeV.

Saruman

Hang on... i only just noticed the first part of your post saying you are both 19 and virgins? I did not know you were both virgins as i skipped over that part of the post

Ignore what i said then.. and be more careful. Its a much bigger deal for women than it is for guys more often than not so.. well what Devore said!!!

skywalker

cheesedude wrote:

Just be patient and sit tight and if you feel you are only with her for a shag, then move on, because it is not worth it...or fair to her.

I think its pretty obvious he isnt just in it for the shag.

DeVore wrote:

Most guys think: "Waaaaaaaaaaaahheeeeeeeeeeeeeeyyyyyy, I'M FINALLY GETTING BONED!.. w000t!!"

GETTTING boned? :eek:

LegacyUser

unrollerblades wrote:

The last time I brought up my dissatisfaction with our sex life she got really worried that I was going to dump her. Sure the thought had crossed my mind, but there was no way I was telling her that. You say something like that and it's quite likely game over for the relationship. I don't want to make her feel like she's hanging on by a thread in this relationship and that it's a case of "shape up or ship out" or anything... I love her. I don't want to leave her.
Advise!
Thanks a heap, people

I was going to say if you are after a bit of action you don't need this head wreaking scenario. But you say you love her? Well you will just have to encourage confidence in her and/or wait. Until she is ready? That would be that "love" thing.

I mean you are a virgin so what are you missing out on? Where is the rush?
Maybe she is under peer pressure and actually does not feel ready? Is in two minds?

Sorry! In the mean time at least try and get some sort of masturbation thing going. If only for yourself. Relief for yourself? Don't go rushing of for a condom just say this is fine and just make her continue? Make her think its the best thing ever and help with her confidence? I'd say applying pressure for full on sex will(is regardless of her signals) reap negitive result. Perhaps you settling for getting your rocks off might make her take the lead. Tell her to go get the condom. You lie on your back and let her get on top and continue?

No real answers for you really.

If full on sex is your overriding desire and you can't hang in there. Well then you will have to move on. And the next one might just have the confidence to say "No..I am not ready"

StormWarrior

My first boyfriend pressurised me into sex before I was ready, and I have bitterly regretted it and hated him ever since. I understand your need for sex, but once you have had sex, the satisfaction will last just a brief period. If you pressurise her before she is ready, the regret will stay with her a lifetime. Also, putting pressure on her will make you think you don't really care about her, which will turn her off even more.

Obviously, you can't leave things as they are though. Talk to her and ask her to be totally honest with you about why she doesn't want to do it. If she's not comfortable talking about it, then I think it's pretty obvious she's not ready to actually do it.

Marksie

You are both pretty nervous about being naked in front of each other that muhc is obvious. and there are also communication issues there which need to be explored.

One thing about your reaction in the first post, it was bound to have a negative affect as it was a negative reaction. you were annoyed ashamed and pulled away initially. If it happens again try not to pull away or withdraw but juts hold and caress, assure her its alright.

She may have issues about things, she may be very nervous.
She may be frightened indeed about your genitalia, lkets face it if you aren't really used to that, it can be frightening.

Also, sometimes when someone says they would like a certain thing, it may not necessarily mean they want to do it as they may not be entirely comfortable and in the heat of the moment they say it.

OK you have said that you are not very experiemnced yourself, good, that is a good sign actually.

Take a step back. Rather than use the idea of foreplay as ameans to orgasm or as leading to something else. Just take it as the be all and end all in a) establishing trust, opening communication c) establkishing intimacy.

If she asks have you got a condom, say yes but we are not going to use it... i want US to explore each other.
Take the time now to gently explore each other before running to penetration. you learn about her, and let her learn about you. slowly.

Some of the best lovemaking in my experience happens when allthuoghts of penetration are put to one side. it then becomes a more sensual intimate experience and what you get out of it is much more than you would achieve by running to penetrtation alone.
In not rushing it such experiences can last hours and well beyond when it finishes as you both carry it with you. The psychologivcal benefits are tremendous as any fears you both have are gentle soothed away.

Mojomaker: That type of advice would lead to problems, guilt and recrimination. It would hurt both parties if they truly cared about each other.

Stormwarrior: Try to let go those hatred feeling inside you, they will act as a block. You can't carry them around if you want to move on as they will colour your preceptions

Kell

Marksie wrote:

If it happens again try not to pull away or withdraw but juts hold and caress, assure her its alright.

Sorry. I just dont get this. 7 months in and he is supposed to repress his feelings for someone elses benefit? Nah. If he is píssed, let him express that he is píssed.

OP- the last time you spoke to her about how you feel you left her feeling petrified that you were going to dump her. I wont advocate you pressure her as some have suggested, but the fact that nothing has happened since you talked about your feelings means, to me, that she does not feel pressurised.

You have had your chat and nothing has moved on, so you move on. Whatever you do, DONT agree to stay in it if she has sex with you. As per Storm Warrior, that'll just leave her bitter about her first experience. Clean break and then go find someone who is as exploratory as you want to be when you want to be i.e. right now.

Your comment of

unrollerblades wrote:

Despite telling my how she wanted to feel it in her and so on, if I ask her to touch it, she gets all scared and coy and basically just recoils. I just don't know what gives.

tells me that 7 months on there is no sexual reciprocation on her part. Fúck that. When it isnt reciprocated, it leaves you feeling inadequate, that something is wrong with you, that she doesnt like you physically etc and that sucks <no pun intended>.

I dont know where some people get the notion that the world is going to wait around for them. Theres plenty of people out there suitable to where you are now. Dont stick around if you feel you owe it to her or something.

K-

NeMiSiS

"I dont know where some people get the notion that the world is going to wait around for them. Theres plenty of people out there suitable to where you are now. Dont stick around if you feel you owe it to her or something."

Great advice.
Life is too short.
TK

Marksie

Kell wrote:

Sorry. I just dont get this. 7 months in and he is supposed to repress his feelings for someone elses benefit? Nah. If he is píssed, let him express that he is píssed.

Yes but by his own admission he is not very experienced at this. Pulling away as he described was bound to have a negative reaction.

Its all down to ways of positive communication. you would get much further being positive .. of course he shuld exprtess it goes both ways, it is juts HOW he does it

Kell

Marksie wrote:

Pulling away as he described was bound to have a negative reaction.

So too is being led up the garden path to find the kitchen door slammed in your face. That only projects her insecurity about sex onto him making him feel the guilty party which he has admitted to on several occasions.

Ideally he should say in these delicate situations "I dont understand. We were at x point a minute ago, now we are at a. Is there something up".

That comes with experience and age, but why forego better experience with someone else for someone who after seven months and a conversation isnt getting remotely close to where he wants to be?

K-

Marksie

Kell wrote:

So too is being led up the garden path to find the kitchen door slammed in your face. That only projects her insecurity about sex onto him making him feel the guilty party which he has admitted to on several occasions.-

Agreed

Kell wrote:

Ideally he should say in these delicate situations "I dont understand. We were at x point a minute ago, now we are at a. Is there something up"..-

Something like that certainly. Some way to open up communication.

Kell wrote:

That comes with experience and age, but why forego better experience with someone else for someone who after seven months and a conversation isnt getting remotely close to where he wants to be?.-

It does Kell and assumes that the other party is of like mind/ experience.

In the end the last part is what the OP has to decide: to try and work on the situation on at 19, or move on.

Kell

Marksie wrote:

It does Kell and assumes that the other party is of like mind/ experience.

Thus negating open conversation with the OP and his GF. If your partner isnt up to open conversation, as the OP's GF proved, your smashing your head into a brick wall every second you hang around.

K-

Rb

Dump her. You've waited 7 months for her to come about, she hasn't, do you want to be waiting another 7? I wouldn't.
Give her the boot.

Marksie

Kell wrote:

Thus negating open conversation with the OP and his GF. If your partner isnt up to open conversation, as the OP's GF proved, your smashing your head into a brick wall every second you hang around.

K-

and thus negating any chance of them both ever learning how to do it.

Unless of course they take advice (of whatever typoe from teh older and wiser boardsies)

Kell

Marksie wrote:

and thus negating any chance of them both ever learning how to do it.

Which, is why I think he should move on.

Trying to stay OT, leads me onto thinking how many time should you have the discussion. Personally speaking, I am a if they dont get it the first time, then adios sort of person, but I admittedly have no patience. I work off the principle of "if you dont get me, fine, I wont hate you, but the next person might, now adios".

So, and thus keeping it on topic, how many times should the OP broach the topic before deciding, as I truly believe, that he is wasting his time? I believe peoples views on this will be helpful for him as he has not the experience to decide unbiasedly*.

K-

*If there is such a word. Anyone seen AMZ?

One more day to go, do de do de do do

Marksie

Kell wrote:

how many times should the OP broach the topic before deciding, as I truly believe, that he is wasting his time?

Ahh... well i think it is probably approaching a climax (no pun) he has reached the stage where it is dominating everything.

It is time NOW for that big conversation to find out exactly what is going on there.

However, he shouldn;'t expect to have a sudden 180 degree turnaround... he should then begin the exploration.

Shadowless

Dump her.

Your not getting what you want out of the relationship, nor will you for the forseeable future.

pointless talkin to her because this will happen...

"Why aren't we having sex?"
"I'm just not ready yet"
"Why?"
"I don't know"
"Is it me?"
"Of course not" (in tears)
"When will you be ready?"
"I'm not sure" (still in tears)
"Are you going to dump me?"
"Of course not" (Sigh)


Do yourself a favour and get out while you can.

DublinWriter

OP - if yours was a situation in which you were married for a number of years and your current problem happened, then I'd stay stick in there, make it work.

As such you are both 19. There's only so much you can do, there's a limit to everyone's patience and at the end of the day you are not a qualified therapist/psychologist.

From what you say, I think she may have wider issues that would be beyond your ken to even tackle.

The impression I get is that this whole situation isn't really working out for you. I think you've already make up your mind to call it a day, but you wanted to maybe validate your conclusion based on other peoples' advice.

At the end of the day, I don't think anyone could accuse you of not acting in an honourable way so far and if you do decide to end it then you shouldn't have to beat yourself up emotionally about it.

DeVore

I think the OP was quite clear that he loves her and he doesnt want to leave her.

OP, if thats the case then this is only going to be resolved by communication. Dont approach it sounding like "hey, when do I get teh sex0r?!", approach it along the lines of "look, I know something is wrong and I'm worried about what it is. Can we talk about it because I love you but this is melting my head?"

Maybe she just doesnt want to lose her virginity is a bedroom in some bedsit or you're parents place. Frankly, if I were female, neither would I!!

DeV.

David Michael

DeVore wrote:

I think the OP was quite clear that he loves her and he doesnt want to leave her.



DeV.

Said the same earlier anon but it didn't get through

Mind you I did point it out as an obvious comment from the OP that the geniuses missed :rolleyes:

Marksie

David Michael wrote:

Said the same earlier anon but it didn't get through

Mind you I did point it out as an obvious comment from the OP that the geniuses missed :rolleyes:

Anonymous posts are reviewed by moderators before being approved. If it was not approved there will have been a valid reason. You can explore this in feedback.

David Michael

Marksie wrote:

Anonymous posts are reviewed by moderators before being approved. If it was not approved there will have been a valid reason. You can explore this in feedback.

No thanks. It is the same as I said above. But thank you for your input. Noted :rolleyes: <for effect

For every one else.. he loves her and DOES NOT WANT TO LEAVE HER.

Advice on that basis regardless of you genius thoughts would be helpful to the OP.

Binomate

Starve her of sex. When she's in the mood and wants to get it on, say "no". If she dumps you, fine, go pork someone else. If she doesn't, eventually she's going to want to get down and dirty.

LegacyUser

Okay, a lot of responses here to address. First, thanks for the advice. A lot of helpful stuff's been posted.


Beruthiel, you'r probably quite right. My foreplay probably isn't amazing or anything. I guess I don't know exactly how she likes it, but unfortunately, she doesn't know how she likes it either. Guess a little trial and error, experimentation will help. Any tips or rules of thumb would be great, though! When I'm givin' her digital it always seems to get to the point where she says wants to feel my dick instead of my hand. I'm gonna try work in some oral. But I dunno if I should just go down on her in the heat of the moment or ask her if I can beforehand. I have a feeling I should just do it without asking her beforehand. I've put the idea to her before and she was kind of grossed out about it, but I know her, and she likes me to do things without asking. She likes me to do 'dirty' things but still be seen to like, resist me or something, so she can still be 'virtuous and pure' and all that, I guess. Which TBH is a little bit headwrecking. When I'm doing this with a girl I like to 100% know shes want it and wants me. None of the coyness...

She seems to have a bit of a prejudice against "sluts". Which is pivotal, I'm sure. But it's probably just because they make her feel sexually inadequate and inexperienced.


Re: Having drinks. Nah, she doesn't drink and I barely drink, too.

She came over last night and though sex and all wasn't on the cards at all (some of my family were at home), I hard such a hard time keeping my hands off her. Which she didn't mind, she even said afterward that she really appreciated and enjoyed the attention, but she did basically have to keep brushing me off the whole time. Which I guess bothers me more than it bothers her.

I agree that we're clearly not quite ready for full sex. I want us to start from the ground up, and get the less-than-penetrative stuff off the ground properly. I might tell her that I want us to have both done digital and oral before we have sex. Though she's said she can't ever see herself giving oral.

Mojomaker, don't worry, when the time comes, I'll lay the dominant male thing on her. I mean, it's not like I don't already initiate and lead and initiate. But when shes says she doesn't want to, there's nothing for me to do but stop.

DeVore, yeah, I'll take that advice thanks. I think I can do the weekend away thing. We're going away with some friends in a few weeks and myself and the GF will have a room to ourselves. Perfect time, we'll both be stress-free, exams over with, etc. Guess I need to say it to her though, about having sex away on that trip. Dunno how to go about doing that. I have a feeling she would hate the idea of it being planned. I'll make an effort to make it romantic for her.

I do pretty much know for a fact that she's not feeling any pressure about sex. She's even in a comfortable enough position for her friends to be able to come to her for advice about it re: their new boyfriends.

Kind of find myself agreeing with Kell on the communicating the fact that I'm annoyed thing. There's just never any point in not being honest about it. On the reciprocation thing too, you sound very right. But it's not that simple I guess. My decision being that I wanna stay with this girl; I guess I have to do things the hard way and work this out.

Binomate, I've seriously considered the idea of desisting from all my attempts to initiate sex/foreplay. I've even tried it to a small degree, but I had to give it up, because it actually didn't seem to bother her. Sure, she noticed at first when I didn't drool over her like I usually would, but that was about it. I'd be afraid if I starved her of sexual attention that she actually wouldn't care! When we talked about it before, I asked her if she wanted me to actually leave her alone, but she said definitely no, not to do that because it would make her think I had "gone off her", well how by the same token how does she think I feel?!



I'll stick around, try to get things workin' with her sexually, and if after we've done it; had sex a fair bit and have really given it every chance, if then her drive still doesn't match mine; I'm outta there...I've too much self-respect to be hanging around in a relationship where I always seem to be on the wrong end of an attraction differential...