gf being stalked

LegacyUser

a man has been waiting at the bus stop for my gf when she goes to work
he said to her before that the bus she gets has passed. so why had he not got on it.
he stares at her and moves too close to her.
He stands behind her getting off the bus
he asked her if she worked in a particular shop where she does not work. she said yeah. however since then he saw where she does work and he has started turning up at it. not buying anything just looking for her and leaving when people look at him too much.
one girl who works there said she recognised him and had similar problem with him before.
he's in his 40s my gf is in her early 20s
i'm at work when this happens.
she spoke to him the first time he saw her -small talk about bus -and he made her uncomfortable - since then she doesn't speak to him. moves away from him. ignores him when he tries to engage with her.
don't know what to do.
might stay and confront him at the bus stop - i think he'd fear exposure - but i'm not at the bus stop all the time and worried about this coming back to her when I'm not
or maybe ask police to come to tak to him - again make him feel exposed -but again I'm worried it would come back to her
or persuade her to take different route to work to just avoid him - or would he just appear where she works more then?
does anyone have experience dealing with this sort of situation? i've scared off people before years ago who scared friends - but in those contexts it was them coming near my own home or workplace -so i didn't have the fear of them coming back when i wasn't there

event

call the guards

_blank_

Get the guards involved tbh.

Fraggle

Wouldn't be any harm to wait with her at the bus stop a couple of times so that he is aware she has a boyfriend/somebody keeping an eye out.
Definitely one for the guards though.

Miss Fluff

The gardai rarely take a complaint like this seriously until something actually happens. To date his behaviour has been merely an annoyance from what you said and he hasn't threatened her etc. Keep a log of instances. This has happened me a few times throughout my life and the best course of action is for her to ignore him. All I can suggest is that if he touches her on the bus, she is perfectly within her rights to threaten him with the gardai, as afaik this constitutes as assault. As Fraggle said, I'd wait with her at the bus stop to and get the bus home with her periodically if at all possible.

Mr. Presentable

Tell her to get on the bus one stop earlier or later. See if he still turns up at the shop.

Stand across the road when she's at the stop and take photos. Stand outside her work and take pictures. He'll hate that. If that doesn't work tell the guards. If that doesn't work tell the guards you are waiting at her work with a baseball bat. They'll respond to that.

AnonoBoy

If at all possible can she change her route to work so she does not encounter him?

This would be my first course of action - less stress than confronting him and having her then be fearful of what might happen when you're not around.

If she works in a shop can she point the guy out to the security guard who can then keep an eye out for him and keep him out in future.

Santa Claus

nipplenuts wrote:

If that doesn't work tell the guards you are waiting at her work with a baseball bat. They'll respond to that.

Advice like that will only get the OP into trouble and not the perv who's stalking his gf !

the_syco

Next time she's at the bus stop, photograph him, and show the pcture to the cops. They may have a file on him. If he asks whats the photo for, tell him its for the cops.

ntlbell

Miss Fluff wrote:

The gardai rarely take a complaint like this seriously until something actually happens

It's not the fact they don't take it serious there's very little they can do as the guy hasn't actually done anything wrong.

Loop da loops like this rarley ever do.

The real deal tend to make it slightly more obvious.

Mr. Presentable

Santa Claus wrote:

Advice like that will only get the OP into trouble and not the perv who's stalking his gf !

Only if he actually brings a bat!

Friend of mine worked at a filling station late shift. Was held up a couple of times by junkies. Took the guards ages to respond, so next time there was a problem he told them The junkies got a knife, I've got a baseball bat, there's going to be blood. Two minutes they were there.

Marksie

Miss Fluff wrote:

The gardai rarely take a complaint like this seriously until something actually happens.

Possibly not, but it would do no harm to have it logged and recorded in any event.

If you are going to be at the bus stop, be very careful not to react or overreact, it could be you facing the charges if you threaten or manhandle him

Bottle_of_Smoke

If you're bigger (or just more intimidating) than he I reckon go down to the bus stop with her & keep making (what would normally be)inappropriate extended eye contact with him. If he's not going to be intimidated find a big Russian/African guy to do it.

On your next week off start hanging around the shop when he does it. Give him the feeling of being stalked.

seahorse

What I dont understand is why your gf hasnt already just told him to f--k off herself. If she's in her early twenties she's not a child and needs to learn to stand up for herself. It's a trait we need to cultivate, that's the way the world is, unfortuantely. She'd need to stop behaving as if she's always going to have a man around to sort out these type of situations for her. It's only at the point where the weirdo is not taking no for an answer a woman needs to consider bringing in the boyfriend/guards. Unless of course I've read this wrong and she's already told him where to go; has she?

seahorse, have YOU ever been stalked? It's very scary and talking to the person usually makes it even worse because they want your attention. It has nothing to do with standing up for yourself, it's not like when a junkie/roma gypsy comes up and hassles you, or a chugger or whatever. They target everyone whereas stalkers go for one specific person. Bringing in the boyfriend/guards or at least making them aware of it is probably the best thing she could do. I had a stalker when I lived in Spain and it was terrifying, always looking over your shoulder and taking different routes home. I became good friends with a tough looking English guy and would walk around with him and I think that put him off a lot, as well as going up to a policeman when he was following me and explaining the situation. Telling them to f*** off just makes it worse! They want you to talk to them!

little miss

I had this problem a few years ago. Guy kept following me to college - even when I changed my route. Kept trying to talk to me. I'd been friendly first time I met him but it soon became apparent that he wanted more. Wouldn't take no for an answer. Got really scary one day when he actually grabbed me and shook me because I wouldn't talk to him. Went to the guards but they said they couldn't do anything. Luckily, I moved home for a summer about a week later and then moved to a different area of Dublin when I came home. Now, I'm not shy or anything but there was nothing I could do to stop this guy so your gf has my full support. If she hasn't been changing her route, I seriously she suggests she does. Hope this gets sorted and he just gets bored without anything happening.

seahorse

Kannon Creamy Locust wrote:

seahorse, have YOU ever been stalked?

Yes, many years ago. I was nineteen at the time. I told him to f--k off. Cant remember if that was before or after I clattered the face off him though. These wierdos have varying personalities just like everyone else. Just because they all share the common trait of hanging around gawking at women like oddballs dosent mean theres perfect uniformity in all their thoughts and behaviours. For the arsehole I was dealing with, an f-off and a good clatter was enough.

Cake Fiend

It sounds like this guy just hasn't been stood up to. Has your girlfriend even told him to stop this behaviour? I'd imagine the softly-softly approach will not deter him - someone needs to have a clear word with him (and how is this guy still allowed into her workplace after stalking two employees??)

Santa Claus wrote:

Advice like that will only get the OP into trouble and not the perv who's stalking his gf !

I don't recall posession of a baseball bat being against the law.

LegacyUser

'Thanks for all the replies, especially Kannon Creamy Locust for making the point about it being difficult to know what to do and not as straightforward as just saying go away.
Seahorse, your own experience was very different if you were able to clatter the face off him yourself. I saw this guy today and he is big and heavy, and my gf is small and light - she is not a timid person and is well able to stand up for herself, regardless of the size difference - the fact here is that she really hasn't known what to make of him or the right way to deal with him - as Kannon Creamy Locust said saying feck off could make it worse.

Today we decided that I would go down to the bus stop seperately to my gf. Then when he started being funny she would say stop following me and I would look at him and ask her if she was alright - the idea being that he would be more likely to be scared off if he thought random people would see and get involved - a general threat - rather than just me - a specific threat that can't be around always.
We were at the bus stop before him. I saw him approaching. He had a sickly expresion on his face. He sat down beside my gf and then pushed up against her. She stood up and moved away and he stared at her. His expression was even more sickly.
I was disgusted and stared at him. He started staring back.
There was a brief exchange that went roughly as follows:
I said "are you alright?"
He said he was. I said he looked sick. He asked what side of bed I got out of I said same side as you. He laughed
I sat down beside him then to put myself between him and my gf. He came across as fairly normal when I spoke to him - snapped out of his sick fantasy or whatever it is.
I stood up and kept myself between them. He didn't look at her while I kept myself between them. He turned attention to another girl sitting on his other side instead - don't remember what he said -she looked uncomfortable too.
A bus came that my gf usually would have got on. He didn't get on it. My gf got worked up when she said this and said to me quietly that she was going to call the police, then got outraged when she thought about it and demanded to know why he hadn't got on that bus.
He said he wasn't following her doesn't follow anyone - said he goes to a different destination on tues (which is rubbish). We asked him where he was going and his name he refused to say. We asked him why he kept hanging around outside my gf's workplace - he said he was going to a different place beside it (one that would be very unusual to go to so frequently).
He was squirming at this point. We said we had talked to the guards and they'd seen him on video around the shop. A bus came and he got on. My gf got on as well.
I had to go to work then (I go in the opposite direction). I sent her a message then asking if he had stayed on when she got off or looked at her or anything. She said she was in the garda station and they want to arrest him.
Haven't heard any more. I'll post again when more happens.'

ntlbell

I'm very interested to know what exactly they're planning on arresting him _for_

Shelli

Wow! Good luck, I can only imagine how scary it must be for your poor girlfriend...here's hoping that the guards can scare off this weirdo, even if they can't actually charge him with anything.

LegacyUser

Miss Fluff wrote:

The gardai rarely take a complaint like this seriously until something actually happens. To date his behaviour has been merely an annoyance from what you said and he hasn't threatened her etc. Keep a log of instances. This has happened me a few times throughout my life and the best course of action is for her to ignore him. All I can suggest is that if he touches her on the bus, she is perfectly within her rights to threaten him with the gardai, as afaik this constitutes as assault. As Fraggle said, I'd wait with her at the bus stop to and get the bus home with her periodically if at all possible.

It constitutes as battery for definite...assualt is when the person feels their life is in danger so they usually go hand in hand...

seahorse

qwaszx wrote:

Seahorse, your own experience was very different if you were able to clatter the face off him yourself. I saw this guy today and he is big and heavy, and my gf is small and light

I dont think you're placed to say what my experience was like, in fairness. It seems you're presuming I'm some 185lb kickboxer or something. I'm 125lbs and the bloke who make a nuisance out of himself with me, well, I didnt measure him, but I had to land the clatters way above my own head level. He was a good hundred lbs heavier than me. The point of the exercise wasnt to put him on the flat of his back; it was to let him know in no uncertain terms his attentions were unwelcome and that he wasnt dealing with someone he could intimidate. If I'd got a black eye out of it, so be it; though I knew that was unlikely as we were in the middle of a busy street.

I'm not saying your gf should have to deal with this all on her own, or that she shouldnt involve yourself or the guards, not at all. What I'm saying is, from the content of your posts, it seems she hasnt done anything before today to signify to this weirdo that his attentions were unwanted. That sort of timidity invites more trouble, in my opinion, than telling a person like this to f**k off, as it leaves then with the idea that they can continue to do it, or, some particularly sick f*****s out there could even convince themselves that their attentions were welcome and appreciated because of that.

Anyway, you're going through a lot of stress right now so I'm sure you're not in the mood of a debate on the matter. I hope everything works out for you and your gf.

Marksie

ntlbell wrote:

I'm very interested to know what exactly they're planning on arresting him _for_

Possibly nothing, but with what happened to that girl at the weekend they may be acutely aware of things at the moment.

[Jackass]

Just a thought, to be on the side of safety, get her something to defend herself with should he ever become physical, or at least thearten, through his actions, to become physical.

She could have something to threatin him back with and scare him off...obviously nothing dangerous that could do perminant harm, but perhaps mace spray or some other form of repelant...afaik there are legal forms available in ireland/ over the internet...maybe even one of those personal alarms that emit a defening alarm when triggered that she could keep on her person (descretely around her wrist traveling to and from work)

Some might consider it a possible over reaction, but at least it will give you and her some peace of mind, and god forbid he's a psycho it could save her life or prevent a horrible assault.

But as it stands I would suggest to completely ignore him, neither of you ever engage or acknowledge his presence and perhaps make a complaint to the guardi just to have it on record should it become a further nussencance.

[Edit}sorry I was lazy and didnt read all the posts, saw OPs response just now, hmmm, he does sound very strange indeed. If that was my girlfriend I would find another way to travel to work. I would get up 3 hours earlier than normal if that's what it took for me to get her to and from work safely, I don't care, I can just imagine from your well written dialog, the mood in the air, very uncomfortable, eery, no, this guy wouldn't be allowed within a mile of my girlfriend if there was anything I could do about it. I know easier said than done OP, but travel HAS TO BE sorted, fine i he's around when she's in work, there are people around to protect her, but walkin to and from buses being followed by a big f*cker who could easly overpower her...don't like that one bit!!

Marksie

Nick wrote:

Just a thought, to be on the side of safety, get her something to defend herself with should he ever become physical, or at least thearten, through his actions, to become physical.

She could have something to threatin him back with and scare him off...obviously nothing dangerous that could do perminant harm, but perhaps mace spray or some other form of repelant...afaik there are legal forms available in ireland/ over the internet...maybe even one of those personal alarms that emit a defening alarm when triggered that she could keep on her person (descretely around her wrist traveling to and from work)

Some might consider it a possible over reaction, but at least it will give you and her some peace of mind, and god forbid he's a psycho it could save her life or prevent a horrible assault.

But as it stands I would suggest to completely ignore him, neither of you ever engage or acknowledge his presence and perhaps make a complaint to the guardi just to have it on record should it become a further nussencance.

Be careful going that route as you had better be sure it IS legal first.
someone once told me about alarms, than many people just shrug and ignore them. During a self defence class they were advised to shout "fire" at the top of their voice as it had a better response

LegacyUser

'What happened to the girl at the weekend!?

As far as I know they are intending to charge him with harrassment.
There were guards at the bus stop this morning. He didn't show though.
However the head of security where my gf works thinks he saw him hanging around the bus stop at the other end and has called the guards
He could have recognised him from videotape footage.
The guards say they're determined to catch him and are going to be at the bus stop again tomorrow morning.'

Victor

Nick wrote:

Just a thought, to be on the side of safety, get her something to defend herself with should he ever become physical, or at least thearten, through his actions, to become physical.

She could have something to threatin him back with and scare him off...obviously nothing dangerous that could do perminant harm, but perhaps mace spray or some other form of repelant...afaik there are legal forms available in ireland/ over the internet...maybe even one of those personal alarms that emit a defening alarm when triggered that she could keep on her person (descretely around her wrist traveling to and from work)

Carrying mace or any other weapon is illegal.

User banned.

Beruthiel

Cake Fiend wrote:

I don't recall posession of a baseball bat being against the law.

It's not.
But if anyone suggests the use of one in this thread, I'll ban them.
B

ntlbell

qwaszx wrote:

'What happened to the girl at the weekend!?

As far as I know they are intending to charge him with harrassment.
There were guards at the bus stop this morning. He didn't show though.
However the head of security where my gf works thinks he saw him hanging around the bus stop at the other end and has called the guards
He could have recognised him from videotape footage.
The guards say they're determined to catch him and are going to be at the bus stop again tomorrow morning.'

Can you give anymore info? I understand if you can't

But catch him for what? waiting on a bus?

Not being a girl I can't really apreciate how this effects her or any girl who was being stalked, but I just really feel there's a number of over reactions here.

maybe he just fancies her and is shy!

I just find it hard to belive there's not something more to do this than meets the eye as I can never see the guards doing this.

LegacyUser

ntlbell:
I don't think I've left anything out. He pushes up against her at the bus stop. Waits for her. Follows her. Hangs around at her job trying to stare in at her. Has this sickly sexual look and aura. "Only the names and places have been changed to protect privacy"
You can't really appreciate what it's like without seeing it. I was shocked and appalled when I went to the bus stop yesterday, even though I'd had it described to me and was expecting it.
It's not just waiting for a bus - this stuff had been happening at the bus stop for over a month. My gf mentioned it but didn't make too big a deal of it. I suggested she took alternative transport and she didn't want to. She only mentioned it intermittently - I wasn't aware it was happening every weekday.
It's when he started appearing at work too that that we felt it was escalating - and we decided we had to do something about it. When she told the guards they were shocked it had gone on so long.
The guards said that there are two types of harm - physical and psychological - and that this is causing psychological harm.
He's forcing himself into her head. Creating a horrible relationship and connection and violating her by doing so. It's mainly psychological rather than physical so it's more difficult to describe but it is certainly real.