Am I just being selfish?

LegacyUser

I have basically fallen for a guy. I have known him around two months. We get on soooo well and I know he feels the same, but you've guessed it, he has a girlfriend, a fiance actually!! He was telling me a few weeks ago how they were having problems and he thought they would split, then that weekend, he and his friend came to where I live for a night out. We had a good laugh, all night dancing with him, holding hands, sitting on his lap, cuddling in the hotel lobby, stayed in the same bed but nothing happened, all of that. He kept telling me how I'm the nicest girl he's ever met etc. I just don't think he has the balls to leave his girlfriend, they've been through alot together, should I hold out any hope or am I kidding myself. By the way he's not a d*ckhead, he's one of the nicest guys ever! and he didnt try it on with me that night, he was just over affectionate.

AnonoBoy

Steer clear of guys like this. No matter how 'nice' he is.

He has a fiancee - and if he's not leaving her then you're just a bit on the side before he settles down.

If he ends his relationship with his fiancee then he's fair game but until then - make it perfectly clear to him that cuddling/staying in the same bed is completely out.

boffin

Well if it was me - I wouldn't go near him because...

1. I wouldn't trust someone who acted that way to someone they had made such a committment to and then preceded to be so dishonest
2. I couldn't be attracted to a person who was such a coward as not to be honest with someone that they are suppose to love (presuming he did at some stage if he proposed)
3. Seen this happen several times before and they never leave the fiancee
4. I would wonder whether it was simply be a case of cold feet or a case of a fling before he settles down
5. Its ONLY BEEN two months!!!
6. I could never inflict that sort of pain on someone else (the financee) and be able to live with it

Leave him alone and let him come to his own decision - which I suspect will be to get married to his fiancee.

John Mason

NeedHelp1234 wrote:

By the way he's not a d*ckhead, he's one of the nicest guys ever! and he didnt try it on with me that night, he was just over affectionate.

LOL of course he is a dickhead, he has a girlfriend but is looking for a bit of fun with you, he hasnt got the balls to do anything with you because that would be cheating, this way he hasn''t done anything wrong but he knows you want him - you are just a big ego trip for him !!! next month he will have found someone else

tbh

NeedHelp1234 wrote:

I have basically fallen for a guy. I have known him around two months. We get on soooo well and I know he feels the same, but you've guessed it, he has a girlfriend, a fiance actually!! He was telling me a few weeks ago how they were having problems and he thought they would split, then that weekend, he and his friend came to where I live for a night out. We had a good laugh, all night dancing with him, holding hands, sitting on his lap, cuddling in the hotel lobby, stayed in the same bed but nothing happened, all of that. He kept telling me how I'm the nicest girl he's ever met etc. I just don't think he has the balls to leave his girlfriend, they've been through alot together, should I hold out any hope or am I kidding myself. By the way he's not a d*ckhead, he's one of the nicest guys ever! and he didnt try it on with me that night, he was just over affectionate.

it's mad. There's at least one thread a month on here that involves the line "he's having problems with his girlfriend, they are not sleeping together" etc. etc. Do people really fall for this? In my opinion, nobody really believes this line, they just use it to justify doing something everyone knows they shouldn't be doing.

OP, see how much this guy likes you. Don't ever contact him again, if he feels the same he'll leave his fiancee.

Don't hold your breath, tho.

liamdubh

Give the guy a break. He's hardly evil incarnate. He's unsure of getting married and is looking for a way out probably. Your judgements are extremely harsh and over-the-top. You don't know the guy.

That said, be clear with him that while he has a fiance you can't see him. It's unfair to yourself and to his girlfriend. Point out to him that if he doesn't want to get married then there are few bigger mistakes you can make than going ahead with it. He should make a decision one way or the other.

tbh

liamdubh wrote:

Give the guy a break. He's hardly evil incarnate. He's unsure of getting married and is looking for a way out probably. Your judgements are extremely harsh and over-the-top. You don't know the guy.

I know enough. He's the type of guy who can justify

• Confiding in a girl he's just met about his relationship problems (you think he'd tell a strange bloke the same things?)
• Go on a weekend away, when he knew this girl was going to be there
• Spend the whole night with that girl on his lap, holding hands (would he have done that if his fiancee were there?)
• Stayed in the same bed as that girl being (in her words - and she sounds besotted - 'over affectionate')

That tells me that either

1. Is bulshiiting the OP - no problems in his relationship, just wants his hole
2. is having problems but is too weak to leave 'till he's sorted out something better

Would you want him chatting up your sister?
Genuine question

LegacyUser

I know it's only been two months but that's long enough to tell that I am mad about him. We met in a weird way and we just clicked. It doesn't happen very often to me. I'll just have to accept that it's not going to happen, and remain friends with him. You see I was holding out hope that he would break up with her because they were GENUINELY having problems, and he's still only 22. I didn't openly tell him I fancy him or anything, we were just drunkenly affectionate. I text him nearly every day, never flirting, just chatting, then the other day I get a text from his fiancee saying she would like to get to know me, so we're all going for a night out soon.

dellas1979

Im going to be a bit of a meanie here, but people like you deserve nothing more than a good ear bashing.

You let yourself a)sleep in the same bed as him
b)he has a fiancee
c)you cuddle and sit on this knee

Well, more fool you. You either desperately want to get hurt or you really really dont have a clue.

Again, as Ive posted before in a similar type post, do you honestly think that the guy is going to turn around and say "ohhhhh Mary, I am so in love with you. I am leaving the fiancee for you. You are the woman of my dreams" and then Q the lovely music.

How you think that this will work out begger belief.

boffin

liamdubh wrote:

Give the guy a break. He's hardly evil incarnate. He's unsure of getting married and is looking for a way out probably.

And the decent fella would work that out on his own instead of snuggling up to another girl that he only met two months ago and discussing private matters - anyway I don't think anyone said he was evil incarnate but he won't be winning any awards for being a decent guy!

John Mason

liamdubh wrote:

Give the guy a break. He's hardly evil incarnate.

lets say you were marring some woman (or man depending on your preferances) and she was let other men sleep in her bed and telling some naive person that there was problems in your relationship would you be happy???? i think not, the guy is a slimeball who is taking advantage of naive litte girl who will get her heart broken and to be honest she isnt much better

Floppybits

Im with TBH on this one, why do people always for that line "I have a gf/bf, husband or wife but we are not getting along anymore and we are going to split up". Is this not the oldest line in the book to just get someone to have on the side? Why do men and women who are single and probably nice people get themselves involved in this?

ergonomics

Think about the way he's treating his girlfriend. Regardless of whether he is having problems or not he shouldn't be getting affectionate with someone else or flirting. Just say he does leave the fiancée, can you trust that he never treats you how he is treating her? Just say you start having problems, you'd always have the niggling doubt in your mind that he's carrying on with other girls. He's not the nicest guy ever. The nicest guy ever would break up with his finacée if the problems were that bad, he wouldn't go flirting with another girl.

If I were you I'd walk away.

LegacyUser

Thanks guys for sharing your opinions, slightly harsh but fair, except the comment about me being a naive little girl, that ain't true, I'm far from it. I just think it's a waste that he's with her, but as I said they have been through alot together, it's not your typical relationship. and normally if someone told me they were having probs with their gf I wouldn't fall for it. I dunno there's something different in this case, but sure I'll get over it, thanks again.

axer

NeedHelp1234 wrote:

I have basically fallen for a guy. I have known him around two months. We get on soooo well and I know he feels the same, but you've guessed it, he has a girlfriend, a fiance actually!! He was telling me a few weeks ago how they were having problems and he thought they would split, then that weekend, he and his friend came to where I live for a night out. We had a good laugh, all night dancing with him, holding hands, sitting on his lap, cuddling in the hotel lobby, stayed in the same bed but nothing happened, all of that. He kept telling me how I'm the nicest girl he's ever met etc. I just don't think he has the balls to leave his girlfriend, they've been through alot together, should I hold out any hope or am I kidding myself. By the way he's not a d*ckhead, he's one of the nicest guys ever! and he didnt try it on with me that night, he was just over affectionate.

Follow your head on this one and not your heart.

angeldelight

Ok so imagine this.... 6 months down the line, he's left his fiancee (which I don't think will happen), and is with you. He goes away for a weekend with his mates and subsequently you find out that he was holding hands with some other girl, cuddling her on his lap, and shared a bed with her... what would you think? Ah grand, sure that's just being overly affectionate, not cheating... I think you'd be hurt and feel humiliated. But you have no problem letting him be like that to his current fiancee.. he's not a nice guy, and if you pursue him, I'm sorry but I don't think you're a very nice girl either.

tbh

NeedHelp1234 wrote:

T I dunno there's something different in this case, but sure I'll get over it, thanks again.

the difference with this case is that it's happening to you

Xterminator

I would just like to say a lot of the opinions expressed on this thread are way OTT and very judgmental.

Most of the facts are not in evidence, and i feel a lot of you are filling in the blanks with your own experiences!!!

Most people in a dead releationship DONT break up until something happens to bring the issue to the crunch, like one of the partners meeting someone new.

That doesnt make them cheating scumbags. Each individual has the right ot be happy and if that means breaking up with a current partner (married or not) then so be it.

Obviously if theres children; there are other considerations, but thats not the case in this instance (as presented thus far).

So as long as the engaged partner breaks up the first relationship before he starts sleeping with his next partner, then IMO he has acted honourably.

I dont see any reason why he should not make sure the other party is at least interested before breaking up, just not cheating, which is what this sounds like to me.

As for angeldelights final comment there ... who hasnt been in a serious relationship that has not worked out? Yes when you break up with someone they fell hurt. Yes someimes promises are broken. As long as they were meant when they were said its not fraud. Guess what, **** happens, pepole change, but it doesnt make themn bad people!

angeldelight

Xterminator wrote:

As for angeldelights final comment there ... who hasnt been in a serious relationship that has not worked out? Yes when you break up with someone they fell hurt. Yes someimes promises are broken. As long as they were meant when they were said its not fraud. Guess what, **** happens, pepole change, but it doesnt make themn bad people!

If my bf broke up with me because he'd decided he didn't love me anymore, or the relationship wasn't going anywhere in his opinion, yes I'd be heart-broken and devastated.

However if my bf broke up with me and I found out he'd shared a bed with someone else, gone out with her, was cuddling her etc I'd not only be heart-broken, I'd also be humiliated.

I think the least the guy can do is show respect to his current fiancee. He shouldn't have gone out where he knew he was going to run into the other girl, and shouldn't have acted the way he did with her until he had sorted things out with his fiancee.

Yourself, you are making presumptions. You're presuming he's intending to break up with his fiancee... it's equally likely that he has no intention of that and he's messing both of them around

John Mason

NeedHelp1234 wrote:

I get a text from his fiancee saying she would like to get to know me, so we're all going for a night out soon.

LOL, i am sure she wants to get to know you all right good luck with that

Kell

irishbird wrote:

LOL, i am sure she wants to get to know you all right good luck with that

I thought that too. Me *sniffs a steamy threesome. Maybe he was spotting for the missus.

Give it two weeks and then there will be a "Had the steamiest night of sex ever in my life with two partners, but left me feeling dirty and abused. What should I do" thread.

K-

*At least I hope I sniff a steamy threesome

tbh

NeedHelp1234 wrote:

. I text him nearly every day, never flirting, just chatting, then the other day I get a text from his fiancee saying she would like to get to know me, so we're all going for a night out soon.

Common Sense called. They said this wasn't a good idea.

boffin

NeedHelp1234 wrote:

I text him nearly every day, never flirting, just chatting, then the other day I get a text from his fiancee saying she would like to get to know me, so we're all going for a night out soon.

Ah the classic tactic by the girlfriend - get to know the competition, befriend her and then she will feel like she is betraying a friend if she goes near him!!

dellas1979

Sorry you are a disgrace - you are naive. So naive that you cant even see it.

If you advocate cheating, then you deserve everything you get.

I hate women like you. How dare you sleep in the bed, cuddle, hold hands with this guy and then act all innocent.

If you had any sense youd stay away from him until, IF, he breaks up with his girlfriend and IF he gets with you, then by all means go for it.

You are creating this fantasy in your head and you are making an ejit and sl*pper out of yourself.

Please do not come back on this site 4 months later with a sob story that this guy treated you like crap.......

Wibbs

Xterminator wrote:

I would just like to say a lot of the opinions expressed on this thread are way OTT and very judgmental.

Not that OTT and she was looking for advice and while it may be judgmental, she is hardly in the best position from her telling of it.

Most of the facts are not in evidence, and i feel a lot of you are filling in the blanks with your own experiences!!!

Fact 1. Guy has girlfriend/fiance. Fact 2. she knows this. Fact 3. she cuddles, holds hands and sleeps in the same bed.

Most people in a dead releationship DONT break up until something happens to bring the issue to the crunch, like one of the partners meeting someone new.

I wouldn't say most at all, especially in a longterm serious relationship. Anyway it's the cowards way out. If there are problems in a relationship and it looks like it's over, the partner who feels this way should do the right thing and tell the other person that it's over and why. They should not jump to another while the current relationship is in play. Indeed people who jump from one relationship to another with such speed are a very bad sign. It suggests that they're more afraid of being alone than anything else. It's very selfish behaviour and usually, if not always results in a rebound situation with the new partner. Also someone leaving a serious relationship where they've shared a lot together and jumping ship that quickly is very likely to go back to the longterm partner after a while. I've seen that happen a lot.

That doesnt make them cheating scumbags.

No but it does make them emotional cowards. Not a good character trait in a potential partner.

Each individual has the right ot be happy

No argument there, but if taken to it's logical conclusion it is a very self centered way to think. We all have a right to be happy, but we also have a responsibility not to cause undue distress to others in pursuit of the happiness.

So as long as the engaged partner breaks up the first relationship before he starts sleeping with his next partner, then IMO he has acted honourably.

NO he would have acted honourably, if when he was feeling the relationship was on the slide he told the partner his feelings, not when someone convenient comes into view. He would have acted honourably if he split up with the fiance and then slowly pursued a relationship with the OP. he's had 2 months to figure this out.

I dont see any reason why he should not make sure the other party is at least interested before breaking up, just not cheating, which is what this sounds like to me.

Ho ho, right so. So if the other party wasn't up for it he should stay in a relationship on the skids, until someone comes along he can jump to? Niiiice. Very selfless to a woman he was considering marriage with. TBH I hope he does leave the fiance as she deserves better than this.

As for angeldelights final comment there ... who hasnt been in a serious relationship that has not worked out? Yes when you break up with someone they fell hurt. Yes someimes promises are broken. As long as they were meant when they were said its not fraud. Guess what, **** happens, pepole change, but it doesnt make themn bad people!

No but what makes bad people is how they deal with the situation. This story smacks of very dubious dealings on both sides.

OP. Grow a pair and tell him that for you to have any chance he has to come clean and leave the fiance. See what he says. Secondly. Tell him you are not ready for a relationship with him for at least a few months until the old relationship is sorted out and over for that period of time. See what he says. Then and only then you could start to see each other but take it slow. See what he says.

I'll be interested in his take on those. Trust me you have Rebound printed on a tee-shirt ready to wear in your size if you're not very careful. BTW rebounds can last for a surprising while in some case, but sooner or later you could be in the fiance position now.

Miss Fluff

NeedHelp1234 wrote:

I text him nearly every day, never flirting, just chatting, then the other day I get a text from his fiancee saying she would like to get to know me, so we're all going for a night out soon.

She'd like to get to know you? I bet she would! Her and her seven 15-stone shotputting champion Fatima-Whitbred lookalikey sisters.

Kell

Wibbs wrote:

We all have a right to be happy, but we also have a responsibility not to cause undue distress to others in pursuit of the happiness.

That could also lend itself to never looking after yourself and your own needs. We dont actually have a responsibility to look after anyones emotional needs as we technically dont "do" anything to anyone, unless its deliberate.

Someone receiving you badly is entirely their making, not yours (unless you are being a deliberate cúnt).

K-

Wibbs

Kell wrote:

That could also lend itself to never looking after yourself and your own needs. We dont actually have a responsibility to look after anyones emotional needs as we technically dont "do" anything to anyone, unless its deliberate.

While I agree with you to some extent I do think we bear some responsibility when dealing with others while looking after ourselves. To reduce the possible hurt in someone is a good thing. Yes we must be straightforward, but kind. There is a balance to be struck otherwise it is very easy to be a cúnt, deliberate or not.

Debate for another time though.

Kell

Wibbs wrote:

Debate for another time though.

Indeed. And I am going home for some Ostrich fillet. Yum yum.

K-

estar

she'd like to get to know you alright.

hes very young to be engaged and despite your protestations
that ye get on etc etc

he has placed himself off limits technically by asking someone
else to marry him

until he sorts this out for himself - he is off limits.

if everyone respected commitment the world would be
a less complicated and nicer place.

as my mother would say re the am i selfish question - if you
have to ask you already know the answer

avoid the entanglement and emotional trauma ahead

and instead find a nice single guy / guys to hang out with.

and one final point - if you are happy to sit on his lap
when he is attached now, I hope you would be happy
about someone else sitting on his lap if you were going out

as chances are - thats exactly what would happen

good luck with it!!

jellie

NeedHelp1234 wrote:

I just think it's a waste that he's with her, but as I said they have been through alot together, it's not your typical relationship.

You presume you know what goes on in their relationship - their relationship of 4 years! and to say its a waste for him to be with her? do you even know the girl?

Sorry but i find the whole thing a bit disgraceful. why cant you go find your own men instead of trying to rob someone elses? regardless of him ALLOWING you to sit on his knee, sleep in his bed, i personally would not feel comfortable doing this with another girls bf, because i know how i would feel if someone did it with my bf.

and even without my opinion that you should stay the hell away of someone elses bf, would you really want to go out with someone who is fine with cuddling another girl when seeing someone else?

liamdubh

NeedHelp1234 wrote:

I know it's only been two months but that's long enough to tell that I am mad about him. We met in a weird way and we just clicked. It doesn't happen very often to me. I'll just have to accept that it's not going to happen, and remain friends with him. You see I was holding out hope that he would break up with her because they were GENUINELY having problems, and he's still only 22. I didn't openly tell him I fancy him or anything, we were just drunkenly affectionate. I text him nearly every day, never flirting, just chatting, then the other day I get a text from his fiancee saying she would like to get to know me, so we're all going for a night out soon.

Sounds like bad news. She might be onto it. And anybody even thinking about getting married at 22 needs their head examined.

Marksie

Kell wrote:

I thought that too. Me *sniffs a steamy threesome. Maybe he was spotting for the missus.

Give it two weeks and then there will be a "Had the steamiest night of sex ever in my life with two partners, but left me feeling dirty and abused. What should I do" thread.

K-

*At least I hope I sniff a steamy threesome

Either that or the I spent 7 hours getting stitches thread.

With Miss fluff on this one, but kells idea is much nicer.

Dellas 1979.. relax. When someone believes that they are "in love" after two months they do daft things. Especially if the unnattainable is rumbling about being attainable.
Because someone is naive doesn't make them a figure of hatred, just prone to reading one too many Mills and Boon

though the two words that came to mind straight away when I started this thread were:

Being played.

seahorse

NeedHelp1234 wrote:

...I just think it's a waste that he's with her, but as I said they have been through alot together, it's not your typical relationship... I dunno there's something different in this case,

I think you should wake yourself up to the fact that you are in no way placed to comment on thier relationship. You are not in their relationship, and in reality know only the little fragments he's prepared to tell you, which you cant even rely on to be true. You scarcely know him, ffs, never mind the nuances of his relationship with a woman you've never even met.:rolleyes:

NeedHelp1234 wrote:

but sure I'll get over it, thanks again.

I'm sure you'll have to. You spent a drunken night sleeping beside him and he never put a hand on you? Listen luv, I'm 31 years of age and I've been round the block enough times to know if a drunken man spends the night beside a woman and never puts a hand on her, to give it to you American style - HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU!

metrovelvet

You are on someone else's turf. Step off.

G&T

How could you even consider meeting his fiancee,
this is not a game to her,she has genuine adult feelings for this guy.

If you were any kind of a friend you would have gotten into another bed and
told him you were not going to make a bad situation worse.

You have lost already,
he knows your the type to get into bed with other peoples partners,he will hardly want you as a serious gf if things dont work out with the fiancee.

Fanny Cradock

NeedHelp1234 wrote:

By the way he's not a d*ckhead, he's one of the nicest guys ever! and he didnt try it on with me that night, he was just over affectionate.

Didn't hit on you, eh? He sounds like a true gent. Added to that you seem to be looking at this emotionally driven situation in a rational and logical way *Borat Voice*... NOT!

It should take longer than two months to declare someone as 'the nicest guy ever' especially when you consider he's already emotionally cheated on his fiancée.

Does it not tell you something about the guy that he is cuddling you and holding your hand (read: laying the foundations to jumping your bones) when he has a fiancée waiting at home for him? If you think about it he obviously loved the girl enough to propose (or accept) spending the rest of his life with her, but now he prefers your company - seemingly preferably on his lap. Yes, sometimes things don't work out. Such is life. But he should resolve the problems with is fiancée i.e., work on fixing the relationship or ending it, before messing around with you.

Really, is there such a dearth in the numbers of 'good guys' around the world that your only option is to start sniffing around someone else's husband-to-be?

Break contact with him and let the two of them get on with their lives without your interference. You wouldn't be asking for opinions if you didn't think there was something wrong with the situation, no?

*high five*

Wibbs

^^ What Fanny Cradock wrote.

dellas1979

Dont think what I wrote Mark was in anyway written in anger (year right!). Anyways, my explanation for this is below*

Anyways, I do hate people like her.

These kind of women hang around like little leeches/buzzards ready to pounce on the weak - in this case the guy is emotionally weak.

OP wait until a guy you are seeing for 4 years does this to you. I would pay to see the look on your face. "But darling I only held hands with her, let her sit on my lap, and also shared a bed........"

*About 4 months ago, there was a party in my house. Great night, great craic, blah blah blah. Anyways, about 6/7 in the morning people were starting to crash. I was in bed already but woke to hear 2 peoples voices n the room next to me. I just laughed "ahhh someone has pulled".

Anyways, I said it to my partner next morning what I had heard. He kinda went "oh well ummmmm, that was Joe and Mary".

Joe is a married man well in his 30s. Mary is a girl of about 27. She had caused loads of problems for other couples before. Usually she would saddle up to the men and basically play all innocent with the "ohhhh tell me your problems". She knew exactly what she was doing. She is no friend of mine, and to be honest, I dont know her that well, but I dont want to know her.

Anyways, about 2 weeks after the party, I was confronted by Joe in the pub. I was asked what the hell I was playing at.....that he had a wife and kids and he didnt want them to get hurt by stupid rumours. I was bewildered and asked him to explain. Apparently rumour had gotton out (nothing to do with me - fellas talk as well you know) that he had spent the night with her.

He protested his innocence that they had only slept in the same bed together and had talked a bit. I told him that it had nothing to do with me, but that I believed him (I really do), just for the fact that I know what SHE is like.

People are completely wary of her now. She wouldnt want to turn up on my door step again or shel'll leave without a body part.

seahorse

dellas1979 wrote:

Anyways, about 2 weeks after the party, I was confronted by Joe in the pub. I was asked what the hell I was playing at.....that he had a wife and kids and he didnt want them to get hurt by stupid rumours. I was bewildered and asked him to explain. Apparently rumour had gotton out (nothing to do with me - fellas talk as well you know) that he had spent the night with her.

He protested his innocence that they had only slept in the same bed together and had talked a bit. I told him that it had nothing to do with me, but that I believed him (I really do), just for the fact that I know what SHE is like.

Well I agree with a lot of what you've said in your post Dellas, I also feel that the OP is being selfish, thoughtless and is, lets be straight about it, thinking with her box. But I hope you gave it straight to the man in the situation you've described. What the hell did he think he was at pinning the blame for what he'd done on you??? HE got into that bed on his own steam, drunk, sober or anywhere in between, so he had himself to blame for any rumors that arouse from that decision. I wouldnt have been long about telling him that if I'd been in your situation.

I'd also liken women like this to leeches and buzzards; dosent make the men involved angels though. If a man cant keep his prick in his pants (or his arse out of a bed, in this case) he better get around to blaming himself fast, because anyone else with any sense is going to do it.

I'm with my bloke four and a half years and in that time we've had silly little cows sniffing round. One particular girl (in her teens:rolleyes: ) put her eye on him at work and decided she liked what she saw. She got hold of his number from a co-worker and gave him a string on anonymous texts that went on for months. Apparently she was very upset when she discovered he had a long-term live-in partner and was determined to throw a spanner in the works of that. Didnt work, needless to say, and the reason it didnt work was because, after this length of time, I know my bloke far better than anyone who's developed a fixation on him in his place of work.

Eventually the stupid cow took to making enquiries as to what time he'd be off work, then calling him at that time to ask was he going straight home or was he going for a drink in town blah blah blah, obviously with the intention of turning up there, wearing next to nothing, no doubt. What she didnt know, because she didnt know the first damn thing about our relationship, was that I pick him up from work every day and was sitting beside him to witness these nuisance calls. When that BS started I just put my foot down and told him to change the effin number, which he promptly did.

No matter what the OP and others in similar situations would prefer to believe, the reality is that when a woman has spent four years or so with a man she knows him inside and out, he knows her inside and out, and they love eachother far above and beyond any trivial connection it's possible to form over the span of eight weeks. When people have spent years together they've done so out of choice and no amount of self-delusion by wannabe interlopers is going to change that.

Of course these people are still capable of causing massive sadness and hurt and generally feel no compunction about doing so; that's why I hold them in particular distain. Also, to be honest, I'd find it kind of difficult to respect a person who was so deeply into self-delusion. Whoever else you're going to lie to; you should at least be able to tell the truth to yourself.

muppetkiller

I can't understand you OP and others like you.
Everyone bashes this guy as he's cheating on his misses but nobody seems to think less of you because your in bed with another womans man (Knowingly) ?
Doesn't matter if nothing happened really.

People like you are as bad as any cheater in my books. But thankfully Karma is a great thing and it's going to catch up with you soon.

metrovelvet

^ Oh believe me if I gave my real opinion Id be banned and probably shot for abuse.

I despise homewreckers and third party relationship ****ers in all shapes genders and forms.

Marksie

dellas1979 wrote:

Dont think what I wrote Mark was in anyway written in anger (year right!). Anyways, my explanation for this is below*
.

Ohhh sometimes it can be a blessing in disguise.

I was on the receiving end of something like this a few years ago.

He did a lot of playing to the ex, the you saved my life, i don't know what i would have done without you.
All that sort of nonsense. Still he was a very weak character

Well he did leave his girlfriend and then my ex became just that. Looking back though, i am pretty sure i didn't tell him about her penchant for manipulation and the fact she was capable of physical abuse. I felt it would do him good to discover that in his own time, working on the principle that you should be careful what you wish for, you may just get it.

I-like-eggs,mmm

Put yourself in the fiances shoes and see how think. I'd love to shake you to cop on!! Wake up missy, this is the real world not hollyoaks!!:mad:

You can't do this crap, and yes it's completely selfish of you.

Can you not just meet someone else, don't bullsh*t me and say "oh he's so lovely, he's this, he's that..." He's not, he's also a selfish A-hole.

No respect for either of you and you both deserve what you get.

There's no innocence in this, you know well what you're doing, you could hardly be that stupid not to realise... if you are, then god help you.

If you're such a "lovely girl" which you allegedly say so... (snigger), then why can't you act like a lovely girl and leave him alone in his own sad world. If you're a lovely girl, then i'm sure there'll be a lovely guy out there.


What comes around goes around- your day will come.

jellie

NeedHelp1234 wrote:

I text him nearly every day, never flirting, just chatting, then the other day I get a text from his fiancee saying she would like to get to know me, so we're all going for a night out soon.

you kind of remind me of this girl whos "friends" with my bf. now it could be me overdramatising it in my head, but she texts him loads, tries to go to certain events with him (that im pretty much sure she has no interest in, is just trying to convince him shes cool or whatever), and - in my head anyway - any excuse to see him. eg. he got a new car "omg you HAVE to take me for a drive in it".

He cant see why i think shes interested in him (hey, maybe shes not!) and i dont make a big deal about it, but of course i wanted to meet this girl - to make sure she KNEW he was my bf and NOT available.

This girl doesnt wanna be your friend, shes marking her territory.

AngryBadger

NeedHelp1234 wrote:

By the way he's not a d*ckhead, he's one of the nicest guys ever!

eh...yes he is, and yo're a fool to think this will ever go anywhere. honestly if he left his gf, sorry, if he left his Fiancée, are you actualy stupid enough to think you could ever trust this guy as a boyfriend?

LegacyUser

'I was in a very similar situation to you OP.

Knew him a matter of weeks and he's telling me all about how he doesn't want to be with his gf of 2 years anymore.

They break up because she twigged what was going on, he was having a party that night and at the last minute told me i wasn't to come over because they had got back together.

So i walk away completely, stopped speaking to him, recently he tells me he's only with her because she threatened to kill herself that night if he decided he wanted me, tells me he is a coward and he is too weak to break up with her.

I have refused to have anything to do with him since because I don't like weak people. I went out with one before and he did exactly to me, with another girl, what this guy recently tried to do with me on his girlfriend.'

SarahSassy

This is going nowhere and you have to realise that. How did his fiancee find out about you?

metaoblivia

OP, The best advice I can give you is to just walk away. Situations like this aren't worth it. Only once have I known a man to leave his long term girlfriend for another woman. Usually though, it's the other woman who ends up with the broken heart and the bad reputation. I've been a single woman for quite some time, and I know it's not easy to just go out and find someone else as others are suggesting. It's even more unfair to meet someone that you think is great only to find that they're attached. Trust me, I've been there.
But c'est la vie. If an attached man comes on to you, just let him know that in no way and under no circumstances can he have you, not even a little bit. Stop texting him and talking to him. Take the power away from him and start acting with some dignity. There's this allure that comes with the unattainable. I think part of the reason you like this guy is because it's an ego trip for you - he's unavailable and yet, you think that you can change that. Instead of approaching it in that manner, start thinking of yourself as unattainable for attached men. Then the tables are turned. Usually the guy takes the hint and goes away for good. Sometimes he becomes even more interested and starts badgering you more, in which case you keep on turning him down and reminding him that you are in fact unattainable. That way if the girlfriend ever comes around accusing you of anything you can tell her that she's welcome to keep what's hers - you're holding out for something better. And OP, you should be holding out for something better than this guy.

ladylorenzo

Jeez guys...go easy!The poor guy is only 22! Is he not as entitled as the rest of us to start freaking out?? and that in itself will cause problems in any relationship. To say that 'we are having problems' is the oldest line in the book is simply not true. Anyone who has been in a long term serious relationship will know that when things aren't going well, it is easy to seek comfort in the arms of another.
However, this does not mean that it's right and in my experience, if it comes to that point, then one should seriously evaluate why they are in the relationship. i've been there..i was in a long relationship and realised, through meeting someone else, that the relationship just wasnt for me. i heard myself saying that very same thing, namely, that things 'weren't good' and it was true. That didnt necessarily mean that i wanted to have a relationship with the person i'd had a fling with..all it meant was that i didnt want to be with the person i was already in a relationship with.
So in response to needhelp 1234, i have two pieces of advice:
1) The fact that is having problems with his girlfriend does not translate into him wanting to have a relationship with you..you may just be his release from whatever is going on in his life right now, and
2) Even if he does end it with her and start a new relationship with you, always remeber the mantra -"If he does it with you, he will do it to you"

I've been in your shoes too and I know how hard it is to put a guy out of you head but sometimes, it really is for the better. Good luck, LL

LegacyUser

'I am the OP and I would like to update you all on the situation. I am still talking to the guy, he is a FRIEND, I know it will never be anything else and I think I'm ok with that. I didn't want to be a homewrecker but I just realised that I was mad about him, it does happen. maybe I am naive, I don't know, anyway it's forgotten about on that front. I am getting to know his fiancee and she is a lovely lovely girl who doesn't deserve this sh*t. It will never happen again and I'd like to thank you all for your honesty but please realise that I am not deliberately out to steal people's men. I would hate if it happened to me and I am not going to do it to someone else. I obviously still have feelings for him but will never act on them. I have moved on I've met someone else who is a nice SINGLE guy so hopefully things will go well with him.'