So Lonely

LegacyUser

Hey, just posting this to see if i'm not the only one who is currentley in this problem, basically i'm 20 years old, good job my own car, no financial issues, good family, and even better friends, but i've never, been in a relationship, or kissed a girl, or held hands or even made eyecontact with someone of the fairer sex for any considerable time, i dont think i'm ugly (well i hope not), but in general i'm happy with the way i look, and wouldnt change a thing. I'm not a big clubber, but i do like the pub scene, although i dont drink, girls have come up to me in the past but for some reason i freak out and make excuses and leave??
I'm sarting to think it's more a mental health problem than anything else, as i did attempt suicide manytimes before about four years ago, and got put into St Patricks mental hosp for a month 1/2, but i've never had theses fellings since then, i'm really annoyed at myself that i cant cop myself out of this.

I've given alot of advice before on boards.ie, but went unreg for obvious reasons, hoping for some advice in return.

Thanks

Victor

The first time a girl asked me to the cinema, I had to sit in a different row. I can laugh at it now, but at the time I had no idea what to do.

girls have come up to me in the past but for some reason i freak out and make excuses and leave??

Is this in a flirting context or in any context?

Can you chat with female friends? Talk to cashiers, receptionists, etc? Practice is important. Start that practice with basic ordinary everyday stuff that you could with anyone else. Treat them as human beings, not girls.

I'm sarting to think it's more a mental health problem than anything else, as i did attempt suicide manytimes before about four years ago, and got put into St Patricks mental hosp for a month 1/2, but i've never had theses fellings since then, i'm really annoyed at myself that i cant cop myself out of this.

Are you still in therapy / treatment? Do you think this is related to your current issue?

LegacyUser

This is in any context, i do chat to girls who are friends and friends who are friends no problem whatsoever but when it comes to a stranger and becoming anyway phyically in contact be it hugging, i fell like running a mile.


As for treatment, i've been off meds for 2+ years now, but i did go to hypnotherapy about the problem, and i'd be sooner throwing it into the Liffey.

karen3212

Hi,
Your life sounds quite good other than the problems with girls.

I hate to say it but you really need to talk to a counsellor, perhaps to your GP first.

You don't have to take meds as far as I know. Perhaps CBT might help.

I really think you should talk to a professional as soon as you can, I don't think hypnotherapists are medical professionals.

Please seek help through a GP, as I say there are options that may help other than pills, though I don't understand why so many people hate pills
Goodluck and take care of yourself, there will only ever be one of you

Max_Damage

I believe you have 'Love Shyness'. More info on it can be found on Wiki: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Love_shyness

estar

first of all its great you can recognise that what you
are feeing does not make sense - that although you
might feel so down you might feel suicidal that this
is not what you should do

i have a few things to say to you, first of all i have
close first hand with two issues you mention

- starting late in life (sexually speaking)
- suicide

i didnt really attract any boys until i was 23, yes thats right, 23
it wasnt because i am hideous, just that i had my own issues,
and until i dealt with them, and really grew into myself i wasnt
confidant enough to be pursued or be close to anyone

i was a real loner up until that point, and quite happy about it
it felt right to me in a way - although i did have desperately
lonely moments

i was glad that i waited - i didnt have the same drunken half
remembered experiences that my friends had.

i waited until i met someone i liked.

i think you are so young, you really don't realise how young you are

you have plenty of time, relax and enjoy life, and sexual experiences
will come to you

- suicidal thoughts.

i dont often talk about this, but this is something that plagued
me since i was 15. for no apparent reason, i hated myself and
wanted to die quite frequently. i was able to see from outside
my thoughts so to speak. and see that this wasnt right, but
still those thoughts would come. I had to stop drinking as it
was often quite dangerous, you know that alcohol is a depressant.

well anyway, i went through therapy and have had my ups and downs.
but you would never really know from outside my head that i ever
really felt this way. i lead quite a successful life.

i always refused anti-depressants until a year ago, and finally
agreed to take them. and they really have changed everything,
i don't have to struggle just to be in a normal mood anymore.

i don;t have those thoughts any more. and i have a boyfriend
who understands me now. something i never thought i would have.

you might be on medication already, but if not i urge you to try it.
and if you are keep going!!

a year ago a guy i lived with (not my partner or anything) committed
suicide and it was so sad. He was one of the best looking guys
ive ever met, so talented, and he never told anyone how he was
feeling, just had to pass on, I guess.

he left a real gap in the world, and I bet he never realised that
he would, but he really did. if he had just sought help he could
have recovered.

so just a few things for you to think about, sorry if i have been a
bit serious and heavy !!!



keep on posting

Kell

Unregy764 wrote:

girls have come up to me in the past but for some reason i freak out and make excuses and leave??

Um- any idea why? Exactly, and do think about this, what is the train of emotion that charges through you before you make your excuse?

Sounds like you need to take control of these feelings and the only way you can do that is by consciously looking out for them. A therapist will prolly have told you that from the suicide stuff as well i.e. tracing all the feelings that built up to a suicide attempt.

Next time some girl comes over to you, take note of what you feel and question the rationality of the feeling much like you would have questioned the rationality of committing suicide. As each emotion comes up, deal with it and remember you have choice to not be chained to the emotion that makes you run away.

Dealing with the running away emotions should be the same as dealing with the "I want to kill myself" emotions. You examine each emotion as it comes up and decide what you are going to do with it rather than just react to it.

Good luck.

K-

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replys lads and lassies, just to clarify, i dont have sucidal feelings anymore, i had been on meds but am off them about 3 years, i dont know how to describe theses feelings, but its like driving along a road and ya come to a brick wall and there is no way around it, when it comes to conversing with girls, i dunno??

karen3212

Unregy764 wrote:

Thanks for the replys lads and lassies, just to clarify, i dont have sucidal feelings anymore, i had been on meds but am off them about 3 years, i dont know how to describe theses feelings, but its like driving along a road and ya come to a brick wall and there is no way around it, when it comes to conversing with girls, i dunno??

Hi I'm glad you don't have the suicidal feelings anymore, I hope you don't start getting angry with yourself though because of the problems you are having chatting to girls.

I'd say it's some kind of shyness, did you have a look at the link above, do you think that could be it?

I wish you could talk to a professional about your feelings though, do you think you could give one of them a try?

seahorse

Hi Unregy764. First of all, you really have my empathy. I hate to hear of anyone feeling lonely. I've had spells of that in my life and never felt so low. It was always during those times I felt the urge to kill myself, never did it though (obviously, lol.)

I have only read your posts, so forgive me if I'm repeating anyone, but I really think you should speak to a therapist about these feelings. They may be natural, but that dosent make them healthy. Allbran is natural, and we all know how that tastes...

Please dont feel patronised when I mention that you are very young and have all the time in the world to form healthy loving relationships. You just need a bit of guidance in this area. It might also be an idea to keep in mind that there are many females out there suffering from similar social fears. You are not the only person out there going through this, though I know when you're in the gutter emotionally it's near impossible to look outside of yourself.

I'm glad to hear the suicidal thoughts have passed. We all feel very very low at times, even the people you'd never suspect it of.

Again, I really think you could benefit from therapy. There are people out there highly trained in the area of social dysfunction who can help you; all you need to do is let them.

I wish you all the best. {{hug}}

LegacyUser

Hey OP,

You're only 20 yet. I was 23 before I kissed a girl and I was never suicidal or clinically depressed. I was just really shy and a bit socially inept. Maybe its the same for you. Maybe if you try putting yourself outside your comfort zone. Try simple things first like catching eye contact. Even say hello and smile to random girls, you won't get a gf out of it but you'd be surprised how many people will smile and say hello back and if they don't who cares you'll never see them again.

I'm not an expert but I'm just putting forward the point of view that it may have nothing to do with your previous issues and it may be just something you need to practice at. It was for me and still is. So next time you're in a girls company just chat away instead of making an excuse to leave. Don't expect anything from it either just relax and view it as a way of passing the time. After this happens a few times you'll naturally get better at reading signals etc. Its not going to hurt to try this out.

Just put yourself out there, I think if you do this you'll almost certainly have had much more success than me by 23.

Kell

Unregy764 wrote:

dont know how to describe theses feelings, but its like driving along a road and ya come to a brick wall and there is no way around it, when it comes to conversing with girls,

Have you tried looking for away through the wall? Certain things you cant keep going around, you ahve to face up to them. Try thinking of ways through not round the next time.

K-

jackdaw

Max_Damage wrote:

I believe you have 'Love Shyness'. More info on it can be found on Wiki: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Love_shyness

Thats a bit harsh reading, i wouldn't read that , it basically says shy guys will
never meet anyone and be single and miserable forever!!!
i would say i am myself quite shy, but now have a girlfriend and am happy,
these psychologists don't have a clue.. they only make people feel worse,
im glad i didn't read that wiki link 5 years ago!!!

Drift

The OP says he has plenty of good friends, his financial status at 20 is also very good so I think its very unlikely that he falls under the category of men described by that Love Shyness thing. TBH I'm not overly sure "Love Shyness" exists, it seems like a pigeon hole into which the good doctor was trying to shove as many of his subjects as possible. This classification of people into defined groups based on their personality is a bit of a nonsense pseudo science anyway. The fact is no two people are the same mentally so the definition of any subgroup is a bit arbitrary.

OP I don't think its a mental problem any different to every other guy who's shy with girls and there's plenty of us out there. I think you should just do your best to brave out the conversations with girls and every now and then pluck up the courage to put your arm around her waist/shoulders if only in a platonic way at first. Also hug platonic female friends when you see them after extended breaks. Its all practise and practise will help your confidence.

On a side not for all you ladies and fathers out there I did think this bit of advice was good:

for men to stop conditioning their daughters into not taking initiatives when it comes to courtship and dating

AngryBadger

Can you give us an example of the kind of coneversation that might start to unfold between you anda girl before you bolt OP? It would just give us an idea of where your head is at when a girl starts talking to you.

I will say that it takes being very comfortable with yourself to flirt effectively wiht the opposite sex. I know a lot of people get completely tongue-tied because they're so caught up in focusing on the faults they feel they have which the other person must be focusing on, is this anything like what you experience?