best friend problems

cinnamon

Apologies for long post

Hi

My best friend lives in London. We are very different people but have been friends since secondary school (about 12 years). We only meet up maybe 2/3 times a year but we stay in contact by phone/emails. We have been through a lot - I would be a family friend at this stage.
We are very different - she is very intellectual and very conservative, whereas I am intelligent but quite arty. We still get on because we have things in common. Lately it seems we have grown apart though.
I havent spoken to her since Christmas - here is the story.

At Christmas we always meet up Christmas Eve but this year we didnt. She told me she couldnt get a lift (her parental home is in the country and she has no car) so i thought fair enough. I offerd to bring her in but she mentiond something about a family dinner. We met up Stephen's night for the first time in about 5 months. We met up with a group of her brothers friends. One of the party was a guy I had a thing with the year before but it didnt work out.

I was a little bit tipsy and accidently called my friends brother by the name of this guy. I did this maybe twice. I was so embarrassed because I was trying to act cool as this guy treated me bad and I wanted to look like I was fine. So when the party was moving to another pub, I decided to go home as I didnt want to make a fool of myself. It didnt help that the party was made up of couples including the guy with his new girlfriend and I was the only singleton. So I told my friend I'm going home and she said fine and flagged down a taxi for me. I was so shocked. Suddenly i was in a taxi being bundled home and it wasnt midnight (we only went out at about 10pm). My friend never asked me why I wanted to go home - to be honest I think she was glad to be rid of me.

When I went home I was so upset. It was the first time in ages that I had seen my best friend and it wass like she didnt want me around. I was also annoyed cos I was to meet up with other people that night, but now i was at home. I sent my friend a text apologising for making a fool of myself, she texted back that it was nonsense, I didnt. I then said something like "well you couldnt get rid of me quick enough". I cant remember what she said.
But the next morning I got up and called her thinking it may have been the drink and the high emotions clouding my judgement. I called about 11am. She sounded groggy. I said was it a bad time to call, she said yes, could I call back later, but in a very terse manner. I was hurt again. I cried thinking this was the end of a 12 year friendship.

About 2 days later she texted me saying she was coming into town, so we met up. I was so happy to see her. I was upset and we talked about the other nigt - she said in London when someone wants to go home, they get a cab straight away as it is so dangerous and it was a force of habit. I told her the other night was hard for me because I felt like Bridget Jones and a big loser cos I was the only single person. I got upset and she basically told me to pull myself together. Normally if I have a problem she is very undertanding.

So anyway after calling me on new years day with the happy news that she got engaged I havent heard form her. We are both extremely busy - i am in college and working - she is working. I sent her an engagement card at the start of the year.

My dad was in hospital at the start of the year and I was sick with stress so after that I sent a message to her teling I will call soon - when is a good time for her. She replied saying she would be in touch soon.
so I thought i would hear from her on my birthday in march. She sent me a txt at 8pm on my birthday, no call not even a card. I was hurt. She has done this before tho - I dont always get a card frm her but I always give her one and a present of course.

So thats that, she told me she was thnking of leaving her job, she hated it. So that could be the reason she hasnt been in contact. Recently I have been having big problems in college and have been very stressed. I just dont know if I should contact her now because looking back at our friendship there is a lot of things that has shown she doesnt really care about me. Like a few years ago we had entrees in her house before we went out for a meal for her birthday - it was quite formal. And she had lots of pate etc and I am a vegetarian and she said "I'm afraid there's not a lot to eat for veggies," matter of factly. I would never have dreamt of bringing my friend to a party and do this.
There are other occurences, the more I look back the more I think we have grown apart.
I really dont know what to do - it seems I have been doing all the running lately. What do you think - 12 years is a long time.

Kell

Hey- you have a period of disliking her even more to come. Trust me. Myself and my best mate have been best mates since we were 15 <17 years ago>. Inseperable, in fact, I prolly saw more of him over the years than I have of my family.

In those years, we have had some major fallouts inc. not speaking to eachother for ages.

At this stage, all that shít about not calling eachother, doing shít on eachother etc, doesnt matter at all. What matters is that we are mates. You have to realise that sometimes life gets in the way of friendships and although you mightent speak in months, its nothin personal.

You have a rare thing of being able to meet someone who will always be the same with you and expect nothing of you everytime they meet you. Be the same to her and dont fúck it up because you are feeling a bit needy.

K-

boffin

From what you said I think you are being very hard on your friend. The christmas thing seems straight forward as I'm concerned - you wanted to go, she prob realised you were feeling uncomortable because of this guy or being the only single person there so she walked you to a taxi (as a goof friend should) and made sure you got home safety.

Then the phone call about it being a bad time - it was - it was christmas she was out the night before and prob had a hangover...its not as if you were not talking to her after.

In terms of her saying she would call and didn't - it happens people get busy and forget. I think you are putting way too much thought into this and expecting your friend to be perfect. If the examples you gave in this post is what you are basing the idea on that she has let you down in the past then I think you are being too harsh on your friend. Pick up the phone and give her a call! She is prob wondering why you haven't been in touch either...

Mr. Incognito

She's your friend. Just that. They wax and wane but true friendships will always last. After 12 years I'd say you're a safe bet. She's just gotten engaged and I'm sure she's very busy.

You seem quite sensitive and I hate to think of you crying but I think you're over-reacting a bit. If you said you wanted to go home how can your friend be blamed for not demanding you stay. You're making mountains. I think you just need a bit of TLC and you're looking in the wrong place for it.

Miss Fluff

cinnamon wrote:

so I thought i would hear from her on my birthday in march. .

Are you a Piscean per chance? Lots of them can be completely overly-emotional at times. She sounds like a good mate, imo she has done nothing wrong and you seem to be over-reacting. Why don't you get in touch and go spend the weekend with her in London? I'm sure she'd be delighted to have you over.

Chinafoot

cinnamon wrote:

I was a little bit tipsy and accidently called my friends brother by the name of this guy. I did this maybe twice. I was so embarrassed because I was trying to act cool as this guy treated me bad and I wanted to look like I was fine. So when the party was moving to another pub, I decided to go home as I didnt want to make a fool of myself. It didnt help that the party was made up of couples including the guy with his new girlfriend and I was the only singleton. So I told my friend I'm going home and she said fine and flagged down a taxi for me. I was so shocked. Suddenly i was in a taxi being bundled home and it wasnt midnight (we only went out at about 10pm). My friend never asked me why I wanted to go home - to be honest I think she was glad to be rid of me.

You said you wanted to go home. Did you want her to beg you to stay? Sounds like she was being an adult and respecting your decision to leave despite the fact that she hadn't seen you in a long time. It also sounds like you were being childish and craving a bit of attention and it backfired.

cinnamon wrote:

When I went home I was so upset. It was the first time in ages that I had seen my best friend and it wass like she didnt want me around. I was also annoyed cos I was to meet up with other people that night, but now i was at home. I sent my friend a text apologising for making a fool of myself, she texted back that it was nonsense, I didnt. I then said something like "well you couldnt get rid of me quick enough". I cant remember what she said.

Sorry but I don't get what you were so upset about. YOU decided to leave. If anybody had the right to be a small bit upset it's your friend. She was home from London for Christmas and hadn't seen you in months and you decide you're going home early. Why should she stand there and try and persuade you to stay when you didn't want to be there?

As for being upset because you were meant to be meeting other people, how is that your friend's fault? YOU made the decision to leave. Tbh I reckon you expected her to say "Aww no, please stay. Please. I haven't seen you in ages." She didn't and you went home and then sent her a bitchy message after she had reassured you that you hadn't made a fool of yourself.

cinnamon wrote:

But the next morning I got up and called her thinking it may have been the drink and the high emotions clouding my judgement. I called about 11am. She sounded groggy. I said was it a bad time to call, she said yes, could I call back later, but in a very terse manner. I was hurt again. I cried thinking this was the end of a 12 year friendship.

Sounds like you woke her up and she was hungover. Understandable really. She was out with people she might not have seen for a few months, maybe she had a very late night. You're being overly sensitive.

cinnamon wrote:

About 2 days later she texted me saying she was coming into town, so we met up. I was so happy to see her. I was upset and we talked about the other nigt - she said in London when someone wants to go home, they get a cab straight away as it is so dangerous and it was a force of habit. I told her the other night was hard for me because I felt like Bridget Jones and a big loser cos I was the only single person. I got upset and she basically told me to pull myself together. Normally if I have a problem she is very undertanding.

So you sat there and moaned at your mate and she didn't pat you on the head and say "there, there, it'll all be fine." Maybe she's heard you get upset about the same thing before. Maybe she understands that there is little point in trying to placate you with reassurance when what you really needed was to be told to pull yourself together. I'd say the same the thing to any friend of mine that got upset about something that ridiculous.

cinnamon wrote:

My dad was in hospital at the start of the year and I was sick with stress so after that I sent a message to her teling I will call soon - when is a good time for her. She replied saying she would be in touch soon.
so I thought i would hear from her on my birthday in march. She sent me a txt at 8pm on my birthday, no call not even a card. I was hurt. She has done this before tho - I dont always get a card frm her but I always give her one and a present of course.

She sent you a text. She didn't forget about you. What relevance has the time of day it was sent? Did you expect to wake up to a birthday message? You are aware that other people have lives, right? She sent you a happy birthday text on your birthday, what's the problem?

Unfortunately not everyone in your life is going to be as thoughtful and considerate as you are when it comes to birthdays or special occasions. You have to accept that other people have things going on in their lives and sometimes cards and presents for people won't be the most important thing on their minds.

cinnamon wrote:

So thats that, she told me she was thnking of leaving her job, she hated it. So that could be the reason she hasnt been in contact. Recently I have been having big problems in college and have been very stressed. I just dont know if I should contact her now because looking back at our friendship there is a lot of things that has shown she doesnt really care about me. Like a few years ago we had entrees in her house before we went out for a meal for her birthday - it was quite formal. And she had lots of pate etc and I am a vegetarian and she said "I'm afraid there's not a lot to eat for veggies," matter of factly. I would never have dreamt of bringing my friend to a party and do this.
There are other occurences, the more I look back the more I think we have grown apart.
I really dont know what to do - it seems I have been doing all the running lately. What do you think - 12 years is a long time.

Again I think you're over-reacting and being overly sensitive about a lot of things. You're bringing up an instance that happened years ago. Why are you clinging on to these things? It just seems so petty.

My advice would be to relax, by your own admission you are "both extremely busy". You said yourself that you're both very different people and you need to accept that not everyone in your life is going to live their lives in the same way you do. You'll have friends who don't ever buy birthday presents, friends who won't try and baby you when you feel left out, and friends who will forget to call sometimes. That's life.

I'd go with Miss Fluff's advice and arrange a weekend over with your friend. Try not to be so sensitive about the little things. If it is really upsetting you then you should sit her down and calmly tell her that you feel like you are growing apart and you're worried about the friendship. However, don't be surprised if she tells you you're being childish.

cinnamon

I appreciate all the honest replies. Yes I am a pisces! I know I am emotional and over sensitive and take things to heart - never managed to grow a thick skin!!

Maybe cards, little things that show you care mean more to me than most people - I dont know. I think someone mentioned that I was needy and this is true lately, maybe she is sick of it (although I am not always like this).

I dont know. It's just she was caring and sensitive before and we always helped each other through - I honestly think it is the end.

You see, there are other things - she looks down on my family (we are not as posh as her family - I dont mean that condescendingly, I love her family, but my family are respectable but working class and sometimes she has made snide remarks about them). Sometimes about me too, because I went to an IT and she went to a UNI. I always turned a blind eye. The reason I am bringing things up from the past is I am trying to weigh things up.

Also I would love to just fly over to London to see her but it is so complicated. She doesnt like spontanaeity - everything has to be planned just so.

I just feel now that I have done all the contacting this year - would it not be a lot to ask for her to contact me?

Kell

cinnamon wrote:

You see, there are other things - she looks down on my family (we are not as posh as her family - I dont mean that condescendingly, I love her family, but my family are respectable but working class and sometimes she has made snide remarks about them). Sometimes about me too, because I went to an IT and she went to a UNI. I always turned a blind eye.

<Deep breath Kell and try and be gentle> OP, again not having a go, but is this a chip you have on your shoulder that makes any comments about background nasty? I slag mates from unpleasant areas, but everyone knows its only for fun. If I thought it upset them, I would never slag them about it again.

cinnamon wrote:

I know I am emotional and over sensitive and take things to heart - never managed to grow a thick skin!!

You are thick skinned enough to take the needy comment I aimed at you earlier. Thing is to remember that (again trying to be nice) that everything doesnt revolve around you so you dont have to keep taking things to heart. Its not personal!!

cinnamon wrote:

It's just she was caring and sensitive before and we always helped each other through

See, if your sad or lonely or in need of a shag or something to fill a void, someone who was always <insert choice> is going to seem like they arent anymore as soon as they stop filling a space in your life. Again, its not deliberate, it just happens.

cinnamon wrote:

would it not be a lot to ask for her to contact me?

Theres that needy streak again!! Honestly, if you want something to happen, go do it. You'd be waiting a lifetime for someone else to.

At the end of the day, you prolly have a great time everytime you see/talk to eachother. What else matters? Would you rather be having an average or shít time with someone else.

OP- why are you needy at the mo?

K-

vandermeyde

cinnamon wrote:

I dont know. It's just she was caring and sensitive before and we always helped each other through - I honestly think it is the end.

A tad melodramatic n'est pas?... you need to come down off your high-horse on this stuff and just accept that not all people have the same expectations of friendship as you do...

I have plenty of friends who I don't see very much of (for various reasons), but when we do meet up we have great fun together and I just appreciate them for their company...I don't expect them to drop everything when I'm feeling insecure/low and I wouldn't expect that of them either....

a trip to London is probably a good idea assuming you're going over there to have some fun and not just to unload on your friend who seems to be getting it in the neck from you every time you nab her for a chat.

cinnamon

OP, again not having a go, but is this a chip you have on your shoulder that makes any comments about background nasty? I slag mates from unpleasant areas, but everyone knows its only for fun. If I thought it upset them, I would never slag them about it again.
[/QUOTE]


No not at all. I dont have a chip on my shoulder. I am proud of my parents who have worked hard all their lives. We're not even from an unpleasant area. But she is definitely NOT slagging. It is just her way.
I wil contact her tho, I've decided. I think we need to air the cupboards, so to speak!

cinnamon

vandermeyde wrote:

I don't expect them to drop everything when I'm feeling insecure/low and I wouldn't expect that of them either....

But we have always been like this in the past - we are best friends you know. We have helped each other. And it worked both ways.

Well Kell - about the needy comment - I did feel a twinge!!

cinnamon

Kell wrote:

OP- why are you needy at the mo?

K-

You dont want to know!

Drift

cinnamon wrote:

Sometimes about me too, because I went to an IT and she went to a UNI.

Are you sure it wasn't meant as joke? Its the type of thing me and my friends pull the piss about all the time.

Drift

cinnamon wrote:

You dont want to know!

If she's living in London now she probably isn't able to judge your mood aswell either because she doesn't have all the details of your life and see you every day like she used to. So if like Kell said (and you agree) you're a bit needy at the moment then maybe she doesn't realise it because she wasn't around for whatever caused it.

Miss Fluff

Originally Posted by vandermeyde
I don't expect them to drop everything when I'm feeling insecure/low and I wouldn't expect that of them either....

cinnamon wrote:

But we have always been like this in the past - we are best friends you know. We have helped each other. And it worked both ways.

Think you need to grow up a bit OP. People grow up and have different priorities. You're not 12 surely? Sounds like still she cares about you so why are you being so needy and overanalytical about the whole thing and second guessing her every step of the way? People have busy lives, go spend a qualilty fun-filled weekend with your mate without quizzing her as to why she is behaving in a certain way at every single juncture.

Like a few years ago we had entrees in her house before we went out for a meal for her birthday - it was quite formal. And she had lots of pate etc and I am a vegetarian and she said "I'm afraid there's not a lot to eat for veggies," matter of factly. I would never have dreamt of bringing my friend to a party and do this.

Grow up.

cinnamon

Miss Fluff wrote:

[
Like a few years ago we had entrees in her house before we went out for a meal for her birthday - it was quite formal. And she had lots of pate etc and I am a vegetarian and she said "I'm afraid there's not a lot to eat for veggies," matter of factly. I would never have dreamt of bringing my friend to a party and do this..

This was one of the few times we meet up in the year so thats why it was a big deal. She is the type of person who like things just so and likes to fuss over her guests so when she wasnt bothered abot me I was miffed to say the least.

Miss Fluff wrote:

[
Grow up.

I would expect a girl to be more sensitive to this, but I just get abuse!

cinnamon

Drift wrote:

Are you sure it wasn't meant as joke? Its the type of thing me and my friends pull the piss about all the time.

absolutely not. She feels very strongly about this.

boffin

cinnamon wrote:

I would expect a girl to be more sensitive to this, but I just get abuse!

Cinnamon, you need to be alot less sensitive! Most of the replies here have been straight forward and just pointing out that you are totally over analyzing this situation and being WAY TOO SENSITIVE!

boffin

cinnamon wrote:

absolutely not. She feels very strongly about this.

What - she feels strongly that you are not as posh as her??? What?

cinnamon

boffin wrote:

What - she feels strongly that you are not as posh as her??? What?

Yes, she has a status thing - has had it since school. But I couldnt care less about status.

Ok folks thnaks for the replies. I think everything has been said

boffin

Sorry just read that back the way I wrote that last question and it came across as a bit harsh the way I wrote it - just didn't understand what you meant. Hope you give her a ring - it would be a shame to throw a good friendship of 12 years away.

cinnamon

boffin wrote:

Sorry just read that back the way I wrote that last question and it came across as a bit harsh the way I wrote it - just didn't understand what you meant. Hope you give her a ring - it would be a shame to throw a good friendship of 12 years away.

no worries. I have sent her an email and hopefully everything will be ok.

boffin

Great to hear !

LegacyUser

'I can relate to your situation. When I moved to the UK I did notice that my very close friends didnt seem to be close friends anymore. Often when I was home, & they knew I was home ,they never phoned or contacted me & i always had to chase them down to meet me for a drink etc and often they turned me down or said call to the house as I dont feel like goin out, bf night out etc!).

What I have learned from my experience over the past 5 years is that sometimes people move on and sometimes those who were closest friends are no longer. For instance, I have lived in UK now for 3.5 years & have grown apart from my close and best friends. I keep in contact regularly but when im home im lucky if only but 2 will make it out for a drink before I go back again. Often I send emails but dont get a reply for 2 weeks!!
Most of them are either engaged or in relationships and given she lives abroad you unfortunatley arent in her close circle of friends she sees ona daily basis.
Yes the house warming with the no-veggie food was harsh and being single doesnt help either when it feels like couples night.!! (AS i know)

My main point being(from my experience): is that you and her prob wont share the same close relationship ye once did. |So I advise to maybe accept this and move on and that ye will prob have make do with the text messgae on bdays etc... But keep in touch with her, let her know your still around,
Thats what I have done, I dont see my old close friends much, and used get angry over when they never emailed or text me back or met me for a drink.

People just change & now she lives in london you dont see her as much .
Shes prob not clued into whats going on or important in your life at the moment and I know this can be disheartening.
Make the the most of what little friendship ye do have left, send her the odd text and she'll prob reply and you never know, things might change.
But for now maybe focus your energy on your other close friends.'

Firetrap

I agree with the above poster. The same thing happened to me in that a close friend of mine moved to England a few years ago. I thought we'd always remain friends at some level but it wasn't to be. We never fell out but over time it became clear that she was no longer interested in myself or most of our mutual friends. The final straw came when my dad had to have a serious operation and she didn't bother even sending a text or an email, despite her definitely knowing what was going on. That was the clincher.

Sadly, some friendships don't stand the test of time or distances. You might have to accept that you and your friend might never be close pals again because of a load of different factors. Her being in London probably means she's changed a lot and the person she's changed into might never be good friends with the person you are. You might have to accept as well that she's no longer your best friend. That's not necessarily a bad thing - lots of people go through life without a best friend but instead have a circle of close good friends. I hope you've got some of those around you.

Kell

cinnamon wrote:

You dont want to know!

You know, I do actually. I dont ask questions for the hell of it.

K-

boffin

Kell wrote:

You know, I do actually. I dont ask questions for the hell of it.

K-

I think that is her way of saying - "I don't want to tell"!!