any ideas? trouble with girlfriend

confused26

Ok, I'll keep this as short as possible.
Been going out with my gf for 3 and a half year. Been living together for about 1 and a half.
The sex was never rampant, everyday of the week stuff, but it was always enough. I never got the impression she particularly enjoyed it though.
Now its down to once a week, if I'm very lucky and we haven't done anything in two weeks now for various reasons.
When we do its always thew same, I do all the work, she has all the fun, but at the same time.. I don't mind pleasing her.
We're happy in other ways and I love her to pieces, but I'm not convinced it can last if we're on different wavelengths sexually. I resent always having to be the one to try to innitiate sex and it gets depressing always being turned down. I don't want to be made feel like a deviant for simply wanting to have sex with my gf...something which all other couples seem to take for granted.

What do people think? any ideas?

Wibbs

Difficult one. I think you need to sit down with her and discuss this. This will be hard, but it's the only way both of you can move forward. It could simply be that you have incompatible sex drives. If that's the case you're going to have to decide whether the relationship can continue on the basis.

biko

Talk about it. You may need some sort of counsel.

Kell

confused26 wrote:

but I'm not convinced it can last if we're on different wavelengths sexually. I resent always having to be the one to try to innitiate sex and it gets depressing always being turned down. I don't want to be made feel like a deviant for simply wanting to have sex with my gf...

Hmmn. I was engaged to someone like this. Just like you, twas always me doing the initiation, exploration etc etc and just like you, being made feel like a deviant if I came looking for more.

As I said, I WAS <past tense> engaged.

Unfortunately, at least I believe, you cant change someones head in relation to this. They either initiate sex or they dont and I dont think they will ever change despite how many times you may talk to them about it. They'll either make you feel worse if you talk to them about it by telling you how much of a deviant you are, or feel pressured into making a move to keep you happy. Its a lose-lose situation.

Personally, I would move on and find someone who has the same sort of drive as yourself. Sex isnt everything, but it sure as hell is a biig part of a relationship. If the drives just arent the same, its just too big of a difference to bridge.

K-

Zulu

The exact same happened to me once. It's uncanny. I was going out with her 4 years and living wiht her for 1 and 1/2 years. We in our early twenties. We were in love. I had pretty much decided I'd met the girl of my dreams and was set. I let it drag on and on. (about 5/6 months) It got to the point were I couldn't remember when we last had sex. Was it 3 weeks/4weeks?
I felt the same: resentful for always being the one to initate; unwanted for being turned down; angry for being fustrated; guilty for being angry.

Anyway the upshot was staring me right in the eyes, I just didn't want to see it. She didn't want to have sex with me. I came home one night to be told - "I love you. But I love you as a brother. Don't you think it's weird we don't have sex..." She moved out and I was devistated.

I hope your tale doesn't end this way, but you need to act on this quickly. I didn't and I suffered for a long time in many ways.

Seriously: good luck buddy.

Kurumba

I'm not suggesting you play mind games as such but have you tried not being the one to initiate it for a while to see what your gf does? Obviously this is not a long term solution but perhaps just to get an idea of what's going on.

I have been in this situation before and when he didn't initiate I began to wonder why. I was so used to him initiating it all of the time that I never needed to. Once i noticed he wasn't making as much of an effort I started to iniate it. I just never needed to before. It's not because I didn't fancy him or anything like that.
If your gf doesn't make any sort of an effort, then it might be time to have a proper chat.

But remember she may have a low sex drive for various reasons, maybe she is on the pill. Maybe stressed in work etc.

Anyway I hope it works out for you. Don't be afraid to talk to her about it. She might be glad you brought it up as well as I can bet the situation doesn't go un-noticed for her either.

confused26

Thanks for you replies, especially urs Jessie.
Thats more or less what I'm doing at the moment, trying to avoid initiating anything to see if she could be bothered noticing!
I know she has a lower sex drive than me. We've talked about that before and she seems unwilling to do anything about it. It seems shes only too delighted to find an excuse not to do it.
And she apologizes too, says she knows i want it but she doesn't 'feel like it'.
The last thing I want to do is force her to do anything she doesn't want to do, but at the same time, I think in a healthy relationship both parties should want to have sex at some stage.
Once again, I don't want non-stop, hourly shagging, i'm just talking a reasonable amount. If I can make a comprimise by reducing my sex drive, surely she can increase hers a little and we can meet in the middle?
I don't know. Maybe I'm just niaive!

Catari Jaguar

It could be something to do with her contraception? Affecting moods and sex drive. Maybe she's stressed or run down. When you go w/o sex for a while you stop needing it, once you do it, you want it more. So give her really great sex one night and try and keep her horny. Do you make her feel sexy? If not, you better start.

jellie

i would go with the not initiating thing for a bit. i find my bf initiates things pretty much all the time - not because im not interested, just because i dont get the chance to be because he ALWAYS is.

id also agree with the stuff about contraception, the pill really can affect these things.

and then theres always talking to her about it..

Nordie

Lil Kitten wrote:

It could be something to do with her contraception? Affecting moods and sex drive. Maybe she's stressed or run down. When you go w/o sex for a while you stop needing it, once you do it, you want it more. So give her really great sex one night and try and keep her horny. Do you make her feel sexy? If not, you better start.

I second that.

You can get information from various websites, books, etc., on how to deal with problems of this nature and I also believe communicating to your gf on how you feel would be a good start.