My depression. Feelings of constant embarrassment...

LegacyUser

I am a male, almost 18 and I have had this issue for pretty much my whole life. It is a feeling that never ever stops and I cant live a proper life. Constant self-consciousness and feelings of embarrassment where ever I am. Everytime I go out of the house I feel I am a complete and utter loser, just by the way everyone looks at me. I feel I am the odd one out in the world and this 'burden' is unique to me...

What doesnt help is almost everyday I get a snide remark (slag) from someone I do not know... For example the ticket guy at the train station just basically has a laugh at me, and sometimes holds the ticket from me when the trains pulling up... Doesnt do it to anyone else.. Just me... This kind of thing has always been happening to me throughout my life and it's terrible. Everytime I get an asshole like that single me out when I can't understand why, it just kills me inside and makes me want to die. I hate these kind of people who pick on me. People in general just look at me with a kind of singled out look and I just can't relax or ever feel confident/good about myself... I am in college, but I am not very smart and just can't understand anything so I don't see much of a future for myself career wise... I am seriously thinking about suicide and im getting closer to acting on it as I get more and more frustrated with this depression thats been with me for years...

Sorry none of this is very clear but it's the hardest thing in my life to explain.

I appreciate any responses. I will gladly go into my issue more if required.

Thanks.

kavsmdf

Hey mate. I dont really know what to say here, I just stumbled across this post and couldn't not reply.

You're 18 for a start. So you're in college and not liking your course - this happened me too when I was 18, I didnt get good results in my leaving cert, but got the course I wanted. I was in college but hated the course, it was getting me down, so I said **** it, and left. I went back to repeat my leaving cert, didnt do much better, but it gave me time to think about what I actually wanted to do. I took a year out, to work, which was probably the best thing I ever did, even though I hated every minute of that job (which I finish up in today week!!). I'm 21 now, just finished 1st year in college, love the course.

So you feel embarassed when you go out, why? I used to be the same as you mate, I always just felt stupid and waited for someone to ridicule me constantly, it didnt always happen, but it did quite often.

Getting over these things starts with yourself. Don't think "I'm a loser. everyone thinks it, etc" you need to think "I'm ****ing great, and **** everyone else, they can like me or they can **** right off". It wont work right away, but you'll see yourself change gradually, and others will see it too.

As for that guy in the train station, find out who his boss is, tell the boss what he does, how it makes you feel, and if something is not done you'll go to the news paper or something. Hit him where it hurts, make the ****er lose his job. What do you care? If he makes you feel like this then he's just a bully and an asshole.

Next time somebody slags you, try just laughing, if they see that it gets to ya then they'll keep doing it, so just laugh it off. Who do they think they are like? If you can learn to laugh about these things, that will help you a lot too. I mean like, what do they know? Leave them say what they want, they're either pointing out the obvious or just acting the bollox, so **** it! And **** them, take no notice, laugh it off, you'll feel much better.

As for suicide, please mate, don't even consider it. Its never the answer. It happened to a relative of somebody very close to me, over 5 years ago now I think, and the family are still in bits over it. You might see it as an easy way out, but its not. I promise mate, things WILL get better. I know how you feel, Ive been there, but I turned things around for myself. Everything isn't perfect, but I still look forward to the day when it will be.

Just think positive, that's the answer. There is nobody in this world who is anyway better than you and don't ever think otherwise. We're all put here for a reason. You're 18 mate, you've got YEARS to find your place, and you will find it. I can promise you that. And while you're waiting, just do what ya want. Get a part time job, buy some cool ****. Have some fun, talk to people. Not everyone is an asshole, although sometimes it may seem like it!

Hope this post made ya feel a bit better anyway bud. When ya wake up tomorrow morning, smile, think of something positive, something that makes you feel good. Its good that you vented yourself here, I'm sure you feel loads better after getting it off your chest. Its good to talk about these things man, I know from experience. People tend to give really good advice and it helps, a lot!

Be self confident, its hard at first, but it works wonders eventually. Things do get better, I promise.

Kav.

davyjose

What the above poster said is all true. When you have a certain image of yourself, people pick up on it. If you think you are a loser, they will think it too - this does not mean you are one. you've seen this yourself: How many times have you seen a confident person walk into a room, or down the street? You know they are confident without them doing much. It just comes off them, because it is how they are. Or at school when you just knew, from day one, who you could rip the p1ss out of and who you KNEW you couldn't mess with.
So the guy at the train station (apart from being an as$hole and a bully) can see that u have no confidence or self-esteem, so he messes with you. Not because he sees there is something inherently different about you, other than your absolute lack of self-esteem. I can even see it in your post. It absolutely drips off your words.
I suggest you go to counselling. Some kind of cognitive therapy can really start to change how you see yourself, and i promise, once you start in that direction, it will snowball, and you will gain confidence from the steps you have taken.
Many of us (more than you think) can relate to what your going through, and it begins with changing your perception of yourself.

Good luck

Sorry for the waffle - working the night shift:rolleyes:

Drift

Hi OP,

Its clear you have a self confidence problem because what you've written in your post shows that you don't have a high opinion of yourself. Have you considered doing a self confidence type course, or even a course on public speaking is designed to make you more comfortable in front of people. The other option would be to get some one on one counselling. Counsellors are trained to deal with this sort of thing and I think that in a pretty short time with one you'd be able to gain a lot of confidence. The great thing about self confidence is that you can pretend. Absolutely no-one can tell if you're pretending to be happy with yourself or if you actually are and you'll find after a short while you're no longer pretending.

As for the suicide thing OP the fact that you posted here is a sure sign that its not something you really want. You just see it as the only way out of your situation at the moment but its not. There are much simpler ways out that will not only benefit you but your family and friends aswell wheras suicide will really hurt the people who love you. You said that you have no problem discussing your issues in more detail. Thats a good sign you want to solve these issues so the key is to find someone good to discuss them with. We'll all try to help but an internet message board can only be so good. Is there some family member or friend you could discuss your feelings with or you may prefer not to tell them and instead discuss it with some form or counsellor. I put the details of a clinic that I've heard you can just ring up and book a counsellor if you're feeling suicidal below (I have no personal experience with them but I heard the head person there talk on the radio before and she sounded good).

Whatever you do OP there's a lot of people out there who are trained to help you build up your self confidence and feel better about yourself and with a little help you definitely will. The guy at the train station is an asshole and also strangely he's probably the one person you meet every day who has lower self esteem than you do. The only way he can make himself feel better is to play silly games with someone he sees as weaker - but you're not weaker cos at least you recognise you've a problem and are working to solve it.

Pieta House, Old Lucan Road, Lucan, Co Dublin, can be contacted at (01) 601 0000, from 9.30am to 5pm.

Kell

kavsmdf wrote:

When ya wake up tomorrow morning, smile, think of something positive, something that makes you feel good.

And start your five time a day mantra of "I fúcking rock. I am the dogs bollíx".

It does take conditioning, it does take effort, but this will come to you so easily in time that you wont even be thinking it to feel it. You know when this happens when someone comes along and says "You know what. You're shít" and you go "Oh really? How come?? Where do you get your fúcked up opinion from?"

BTW- no one goes round thinking you are a loser or giving you disapproving looks. Next time you are in the college canteen, see how many people you give disapproving looks to. Their mind works the same. They dont actually give a shít about you let alone think you are a loser. You have to convince yourself of this fact.

K-

karen3212

Hi Op,
i'm sorry to hear you are feeling so bad.

I think firstly that teenage years and early twenties can be a desperately horrible time in a lot of peoples lives. You probably don't realize it but there are propably a good few more people in your college who feel very similar to you right now. I don't know why more people don't tell teenagers that they can be the most awakard, self-conscious years in anyone's life.

I think getting plenty of excercise is a great thing too, it certainly helped me when I was younger to feel at lot more at ease.

I also think, thought I could be completely wrong, that the stupid guy at the train station might actually think you are shy and may be trying to talk to you and be nice, rather be nasty. I actually do this myself, if I think someone is shy, instead of leaving them alone, I try to talk to them. I may be doing the wrong thing by the sounds of it. I hope you concentrate on how valuable your life is, how special everyone is, and that you find some of these posts helpful. Please remember that 18 is a terrible age, try and speak to someone too if you can about how you feel. Goodluck

Drift

karen3212 wrote:

I also think, thought I could be completely wrong, that the stupid guy at the train station might actually think you are shy and may be trying to talk to you and be nice, rather be nasty.

That thought had crossed my mind too Karen. Maybe he sees the OP looking at bit sad is is trying to cheer him up/ make him have a little fun. And unfortunately he doesn't realise the OP is finding it difficult.

30txsbzmcu2k9w

Your almost 18. Enjoy yourself! We all experienced those awkward embarrassed feelings as teens but believe me those feelings will dissapear from the ages of 18 onward.Things get better with every year!
Stand up straight, and take pride in yourself. Take care of your appearence, go shopping buy some new clothes, get a fashionable haircut and style your hair.Maybe try wearing some stuff you thought you'd never wear.Reinvent yourself, you'll surprise yourself and others..you'll feel better! Dont be afraid to have a laugh, or to joke around, or to smile even.

LegacyUser

I know how you feel man, I haven't had people treat me like that though. If that train station guy does that again I'd do something about, let it be your first step to turning your life around because he is totally in the wrong and you can get him in trouble with he's employers.

Get help now! I went to my doctor on tuesday to finally begin to get help, I've wasted my life thinking like this (at least 15 years of it). I've decided that I don't really want to die what I really want is to be happy and now I'm prepared to do whatever it takes to know what that feels like. This is your life after all and the world is a great place worth enjoying. Maybe if your a devout Christian you can live a life of misery in the hope that everything will be alright when you die but I'm not as far as I know this life is my one opportunity to enjoy and experience the world.

I know all this enjoy yourself as such sounds like nonsense but it is really that simple at the end of the day.

If anyone puts you down just think, fcuk them, what are they to you? Pricks! they don't deserve your attention.

Get help now, see the world, learn something and don't be afraid to talk to people ask them things, people love it when their taped for knowledge.

Marksie

Kell wrote:

And start your five time a day mantra of "I fúcking rock. I am the dogs bollíx".

It does take conditioning, it does take effort, but this will come to you so easily in time that you wont even be thinking it to feel it. You know when this happens when someone comes along and says "You know what. You're shít" and you go "Oh really? How come?? Where do you get your fúcked up opinion from?"

BTW- no one goes round thinking you are a loser or giving you disapproving looks. Next time you are in the college canteen, see how many people you give disapproving looks to. Their mind works the same. They dont actually give a shít about you let alone think you are a loser. You have to convince yourself of this fact.

K-

A large part of this is how you view yourself, you are projecting your view of yourself onto others, who in all actuality probably aren't thinking anything at all.

kell's mantra is short and sweet:
Mine is a bit longer, but says the same thing (and should if possible be said while starting in the mirror):

I am <name>
I am unique.
I am greater than the sum of my parts.
I add to the world and it adds to me.
I love who i am
I am here, i am me.

and up to the first part again.

However, it is also possible that you are projecting and image of yourself in stance, manner.

Again, look at the way you stand is it slumped head down, eyes looking away... projecting your self image out. Try and practise standing exactly the opposite, projecting, use the advice to gain a better self esteem then project that outwards.

Negative comments hurt to the quick and you dont believe positive comments, because you dont believe that in and of yourself you do not have positive traits.
As one told me some time back, try to deflect the negative, note it, dismiss it and let it deflect away.
At 18 I was unsure, indecisive, inwardly cringing when someone said something negative.
I reckon a lot of people are at that age as they are just beginning to be self aware as an adult, and the world is a big place and full of the unknown.
Yeah its scarey but its wildly exciting too.

Ages back, a poster said something that is totally true and very well worth noting
Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
that stuck with me as a very pertinent comment and i have no problem plagiarising it.

You are asking for advice, not giving in, so if necessary seek professional help and advice to help you to overcome this.

Believe me, you will in a few years time look back and think..what the hell was I thinking.

Edit: When an asshole singles you out as you put it. You can bet that others are thinking what an asshole and not lets ave a laugh at the poor fella.

LegacyUser

I'll agree with other posters, the guy at the train station is probably just having a laugh and trying to be friendly, he might actually be trying to reach out to you. It may not be the case but it's far more likely than him just being a prick for the sake of it. If you laugh it off joke with him I'm sure you'll find that's the case. If you don't like it just ask him to stop doing it or you'll make a complaint...simple as that.

Most people in college aren't that smart and struggle with certain topics. Welcome to the Irish education system. It's all about learning off crap even if it means absolutely nothing to you. I know people who were almost braindead but who got a load of points and got into great courses and passed. It's all about hard work. What course are you doing and where? And how did you do in your Leaving Cert? If you don't like it, leave, it's not the end of the world. You're young and I'm sure your parents will understand if you explain you're not happy and the level of your unhappiness. Take a year or two. Get a job with the least responsibility you can think of (video store, McDonalds can I suggest). Go drinking with friends at weekends and go on weekends away, stuff like that. Forget about everything. There's no rule written in stone that says you have to attend college when you leave school. You're 18....life hasn't even started yet.

If you do decide to stick it out, Universities are big places, there are clubs & societies for just about everything. So-called social outcasts (those who were bullied in school) are now in college running clubs and societies and you'll find good friends there. You must have some hobbies or interests? Even if you feel like **** right now just join something you think might be interesting and go along an attend. Don't mind what assholes in the street say. **** them and don't let them dictate your life. Buy yourself a nice set of headphones! Another idea, join a volunteer group, you'll get to help people in society who really suffer (I'm not saying you don't, but it might help you gain some perspective and help out people who need it at the same time) and it'll look great on a CV. And girls love it for some reason, in my experience.

Suicide, especially for an 18 year old kid (to me you're a kid), is the greatest tragedy there is. All you need is an environment where you can come out of your shell and simply enjoy life. Trust me when I say you'll grow out of it. And as hard as it might be, talk to your family and explain how you feel. They'll be sympathetic.

Catari Jaguar

You prob have victim written all over you. Stand tall and don't look like some self pitying lil wall flower crying to himself. See this. You prob don't even want to respond cos you're scared or embarassed. My point exactly. Retaliate. who the fcuk am I to say this to you? Who is anyone to treat you like they do. If you let them, they will. If you don't they won't.

That dart pr1ck, you say, "dude, gimme my fukn ticket now, before I call over your super and get you fired, do you understand??"

You don't like yourself, then wake up and change what you don't like. If you can't change then adapt. You don't liek college leave. YOU have to learn to stand on your own two feet and do it.

There is no reality, only perception. What you see and what is actually occuring may be different. Change your perception. Also people treat you like you let them. You make their behaviour. This is all stuff Dr. Phil says, but it's pretty smart. His books are good... Maybe check them out

wb

Regarding the college and career prospects...

Don't worry too much about it!

I was 18 and my leaving cert was not the greatest. I started a plc course, but dropped out in the first year to work in a supermarket. I had no career prospects and went from job to job for a few years. This actually turned out to be the best thing that happened to me as I tried to find things I like. At the age of 25, I went back to education and applied for a degree in UCD - I did not need my points as I applied under the mature student scheme (where your leaving cert does not matter ) I love the course, and those few years did me good.

All I'm saying is that you are far too young to be getting too down about a career at 18. I know how you feel, as I was 18 and stacking shelves, but finding out what you want takes time.

Attol

I found out that working in retail can do wonders for your confidence. You're forced to chat to people all day, it's unavoidable. You learn how to be approachable and how to talk to people properly. I let some people destroy my confidence for a while and found out that you just have to get out there to gain it back. Surround yourself with people. It'll work wonders.

If you're not happy here you can try doing something totally different. Leave and visit places you always wanted to see. I think that sometimes running away from your problems is the best way to go about things. I've done it before and it was the best decision I've ever made. Trying to sort something out now for going away again as I'm not in the mood to deal with some stuff that I'm not able to fix. Could not recommend it more. It gives you time to think and get your head together. You won't have the stressors around you so it can really give you a chance to relax and see how everything isn't that bad.

Mikeyt086

Mate. Im 18 aswell, just turned 18, 3 days ago.

I cant say im in the same position you are because im one of those people other look to when they want a laugh, you know the type, i sound like a complete tool here but what im getting at is that it wasnt always this way.

When i was about 13 or 14 i ALWAYS worried about what people thought about me, and that effected how i acted. Im not going to go off on a big essay of how i got over it, because one day i just said "Hang on, this is my life. Not theirs."

The key to happiness is laughter. Next time someone takes the piss, have a giggle. Even if you are upset by it, they wont think you are, and notice that if you laugh at something you think in a more positive way. Seriously man, just laugh more. If people see you laughing then they will know you are up for a laugh and want to be around you.

Another thing about piss taking. Me and my group of good mates, we just abuse each other the whole time really, because we know its all just a laugh. Maybe you are looking too deep into it, try a laugh. But if these people are seriously being assholes then let them be, they will be 40 years old and have no friends, then see whos laughin.

Suicide is not an option, it will destroy those who love you. If you need to talk more PM me and add my MSN.

LegacyUser

Going unregged for this. Started to read a book called "Secrets Of The Alpha Man" by Carlos Xuma. So far its pretty good, and one of the things I like about it is when he says

Considering that popular culture and media channels today would have you believe that if you feel bad (oh, my heart just cries out for you, wounded soul) you need to be coddled and nursed.

This book will do no such f*cking thing.

You’re going to get some severely straight talk here, my friends, and if my use of the word “f*ck” is offending to you, that will be the least of your worries as we dive straight into the behaviors you have that may undermine your Alpha status and we seek to rid you of them. You have to stop being a nice guy. It’s time to find your male power again.

Oh, and as for the twat in the train station, laugh at him. Uncontrollably. Maniacal. Laugh until your sides hurt, and keep laughing long after he stops laughing. And then put on a straight face, and walk away.

Suicide is a permanent solution for a temporary problem. And for who? The f*cker in the train station? F*ck him.

Finally, you say you're "not smart". Well, boy-o, college ain't for everyone. I know a few lads who couldn't wait to stop looking at the blackboard, and got a trade as soon as they could. Look into one yourself, that, if you feel the need, doesn't tax the brain that much. Saying that, you'll find the classroom bit handy after having done the stuff you're learning in class, is the stuff you've done on the job.

Esel

You said:

Unreg591 wrote:

I am a male, almost 18 and I have had this issue for pretty much my whole life. It is a feeling that never ever stops and I cant live a proper life. Constant self-consciousness and feelings of embarrassment where ever I am. Everytime I go out of the house I feel I am a complete and utter loser, just by the way everyone looks at me. I feel I am the odd one out in the world and this 'burden' is unique to me...

What doesnt help is almost everyday I get a snide remark (slag) from someone I do not know... For example the ticket guy at the train station just basically has a laugh at me, and sometimes holds the ticket from me when the trains pulling up... Doesnt do it to anyone else.. Just me... This kind of thing has always been happening to me throughout my life and it's terrible. Everytime I get an asshole like that single me out when I can't understand why, it just kills me inside and makes me want to die. I hate these kind of people who pick on me. People in general just look at me with a kind of singled out look and I just can't relax or ever feel confident/good about myself... I am in college, but I am not very smart and just can't understand anything so I don't see much of a future for myself career wise... I am seriously thinking about suicide and im getting closer to acting on it as I get more and more frustrated with this depression thats been with me for years...

Sorry none of this is very clear but it's the hardest thing in my life to explain.

I appreciate any responses. I will gladly go into my issue more if required.

Thanks.

Mate, just because you feel something doesn't necessarily mean it's true. Stand at a discreet distance and watch that ticket guy - I'll bet he's like that with a lot of customers, and it probably is meant as fun, and seen as such by most of the others.

You need to realise that you may have a problem with your perception of situations. You should go talk to your GP about this (or any GP if you don't have one). You are obviously very unhappy, and have been so for a long long time. It doesn't have to be this way. Google 'cognitive dissonance'. Something that might help a lot is Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT).

A doctor can refer you for CBT with your local HSE clinic, or you may be able to self-refer. The service is free, but depending on where you are, there may be a waiting list.

The main thing you have to realise is that your perception is skewed. It is simply not possible that the reality you perceive is objective.

You have no idea how much better you will feel when you address this problem in a constructive way.