see her or not her ?????

joesoap1976

Its me again ............ i have yet another question.

I asked to meet my ex girlfriend tomorrow afternoon to clear the air on certain issues. She has reluctantly agreed. She has already moved on and has another boyfriend so I know i have no chance of convincing her to come back to me. We split up about 6 weeks ago now.

Do you think i should still go? Can i benefit from it? I still very hurt. Will it set me back????

Paj

don't bother, its not worth it, you'll just end up retaining feelings for her and not being able to move on.

Time to forget about her and move it along.

tbh

joesoap1976 wrote:

Do you think i should still go? Can i benefit from it? I still very hurt. Will it set me back????

no, no, it'll pass, yes.

joesoap1976

sorry tbh not sure what your answer is ......

aidan_walsh

joesoap1976 wrote:

sorry tbh not sure what your answer is ......

He said, no you shouldn't go, no you won't benefit from it, the hurt will pass and it will only hold you back.

Wibbs

Agree with Paj. Don't meet her. What's the point? It's only going to raise issues for both of you. If you need to return some of her stuff get someone else to do it.

Break all contact. She left you and she moved on to someone else quite quickly. Chances are high she's not worth the effort of placing her on that pedestal. Get your own life back. When you accomplish that you'll probably find that you wouldn't want her back anyway. I found that in the past. I had one ex way back that I was convinced was the "one"*. She left me and went elsewhere for affection very quickly. 6 months later when I'd sorted my head and my life out, there was nothing she could have tried to have me take her back(and boy did she try). Her loss.

You will also find that people in general and women in particular will find you to be far more attractive than you will be acting now. Needy, emotional and weak are not a good look for a man.

The "one" only exists in mills and boon romance novels.

tbh

aidan_walsh wrote:

He said, no you shouldn't go, no you won't benefit from it, the hurt will pass and it will only hold you back.

exactly

r3nu4l

tbh is right joe!

No, don't go
No, you won't benefit
The feelings will pass in time
Yes, it will set you back

I must say I agree. I used to think that meeting my ex would help clear up some things but to be honest it was all still too raw for me and it just set me back all the time!

The sooner you can cut all contact the better. It is hard to just do that but it can and should be done. Spend some time grieving, allow yourself a small breakdown in private every so often but stay away from her. As you pick up and get on you really will meet someone else and it's a really bad idea to carry your baggage into a new relationship.

tbh

seeing her again is like getting a "fix" of her - I've said before it's like hitting the snooze button on a cold morning - you know you have to deal with not seeing her anymore, just.....not yet.

Marksie

joesoap1976 wrote:

Do you think i should still go?

Depends what you want clearing up. My gut says NO, leave well alone

joesoap1976 wrote:

Can i benefit from it? I still very hurt.

NO i doubt it very much. Yes and yuo will hurt more Joe, this is being almost masochistic

joesoap1976 wrote:

Will it set me back????

Absolutely ..yes. BIG TIME.

We have discussed this and the fact remains you have to let go. Boards can only give advice, it is one thing to keep getting the same advice it is another to act on it.

You MUST regain control of your own balance and self perspective.

You also have to get perspective on how your ex has treated you and what despite her words, her actions actually mean.

I am going to be blunt here joe and base it on what you have said previously.

She has used you in all aspects. She has screwed your personality up because she has a screwed up personality.
No matter what you gave her it was never enough, and it never would have been. The next guy will find the same and the next and the next.

YOU run the risk of becoming as damaged as she is.

You have to look after yourself totally.

My advice now:

Change your phone
Block her number.
send back any mail unopened.

Take any momentoes and burn them, as they burn let the negative thoughts and hurt go with them.

Absolutely no contact at all, whatsoever... ever, no ifs or buts.

you know where you can get me

joesoap1976

all good advise thank you ............ i am thinking about not going now. Not sure yet but you have pointed out good reasons not too. Are there any good reasons to go?????

Wibbs

Look I've read some of your other posts on this subject. The ex wanting to put the dog down is a bloody classic. If that doesn't show you what sort of heartless self centered looper she is then I honestly don't know what will.

Why are you torturing yourself over someone like that? Seriously. Do you get off on the mistreatment. I'm sure you don't but this sounds like obsessive behaviour on both sides(mainly hers from your telling of it).

Walk away. Tell her straight you want no more contact. Stick to it. If she rings/texts/emails ignore it. If she catches you out politely tell her that you don't wish to talk and if she wants to talk to someone try it with the guy she's with now. She's his pleasure and pain now.


BTW Take the dog if you can. Jesus can you imagine if you had children with someone this selfish? You Sir have had a lucky escape. Take it and walk away.

BaZmO*

joesoap1976 wrote:

I asked to meet my ex girlfriend tomorrow afternoon to clear the air on certain issues

Or in another words, to drag the split up out even longer. Move on buddy, any contact is just gonna drag everything.

It's not what you want to hear, but at times like this the clichés are true, "Move on" "Time's a great healer" etc.

Just make yourself busy by going out with friends, spend more time on hobbies or interests and most importantly stop trying to make contact.

I speak from experience here. Good few years back, living with a girl, split up, pets, house, loans, constant contact. Urgghh....when I even think about it now. It dragged on for so long purely due to the fact that we tried to keep in contact despite advice to the contrary from friends.

Wibbs

joesoap1976 wrote:

Not sure yet but you have pointed out good reasons not too. Are there any good reasons to go?????

NO there are none. NONE. NADA. ZIP. No reasons at all unless you like hurting yourself. If you can't see this now you will be in trouble.

joesoap1976

banging my head off a brick wall is likely to happen. If i dont go i will never know. Better to feel a little pain to have clarity ???? Would you not agree what that logic?

Marksie

joesoap1976 wrote:

banging my head off a brick wall is likely to happen. If i dont go i will never know. Better to feel a little pain to have clarity ???? Would you not agree what that logic?

No I wouldn't agree joe.

You are NOT emotionally ready for it, there is NO clarity yet and NO logic.

boffin

Joe,

I think you want to go and want boards users to tell you to go. However I can't imagine anyone would think that it is a good idea. You will cause yourself more pain and why would you want to meet someone that is reluctant to meet you. Do as mark said and get rid of any memories of her and begin to have a life that does not include her in it in any way. Block her number from being able to contact your phone if necessary.

There is NO good reason to meet up with her and by meeting up it is just like getting a fix to an addiction. You need to move on.

Beetlebum

joesoap1976 wrote:

banging my head off a brick wall is likely to happen. If i dont go i will never know. Better to feel a little pain to have clarity ???? Would you not agree what that logic?

If you don't go you'll never know what exactly??
Clarity?? What clarity??? I think it's perfectly clear already Joe; She broke up with you, got a new boyfriend and told you she doesn't want to be with you anymore and has RELUCTANTLY agreed to meet up. How much clearer do you need it to be?? Would it help if she arrived wearing an 'I don't love you anymore' sandwich board??
Sorry if that's harsh but you have to snap out of this slump, wake up and smell the rejection. It's over, your better than this, move on.

Kell

joesoap1976 wrote:

If i dont go i will never know. Better to feel a little pain to have clarity ???? Would you not agree what that logic?

No. Sorry, but someone who dumps you six weeks ago and then shacks up with someone else is not worth the steam off your píss.

Your new mantra whenever a thought of her pops into your head
"<insert name> is not worth the steam off my píss".

Say it often enough, you'll stop thinking of her. I know its early days and this is a) b) c) pshychology, but its your only route.

Marks right. You seem like a bag of nerves and a walking open wound. Unless you can bring cold clinical logic to the table, you are going to open that wound further.

K-

BaZmO*

joesoap1976 wrote:

banging my head off a brick wall is likely to happen. If i dont go i will never know. Better to feel a little pain to have clarity ???? Would you not agree what that logic?

Seriously mate, cop yourself on. People on here are offering you the same good advice but you're not listening. YOU ARE NOT GOING TO GAIN ANYTHING FROM MEETING HER! END OF!

We've all been there and know that it's not easy, very difficult in fact, but what's the point in asking over and over again should you meet her when everybody is telling you not to?

If you want I could tell you that it's a fantastic idea to meet her and in fact more than likely you'll have a fantastic time with her reminiscing about the good aul days but that'd be bullsh1t and you know that.

Do yourself a favour and get off the merry-go-around for a moment and asked yourself what advice would you be giving a friend of yours if he was in the same position? For his own sanity you'd tell him to cop on and stop moping about and get on with his life. She's gone, finito, finished. The sooner you realise this the better.

joesoap1976

i am actually a lot more calm that perhaps i come across. Perhaps i am misleading you ...... Ok i admit i am not sleeping very well but i am functioning properly in work, eating well and to a large extent i am fine in social circles (with the occasional depressing moment).

Its just the regret that i failed and i miss her. Wont find another girl as pretty as her. Thats very superficial, i know i am aware of that but tis true. I love this girl.

So i am i believe emotionally ready to speak to her i think i am but ...... is it worth while.

Kell

joesoap1976 wrote:

Its just the regret that i failed and i miss her. Wont find another girl as pretty as her.

These are the reasons, despite what you are saying, that you are nowhere near ready to meet your ex. Give yourself 2 years, then think about it.

K-

BaZmO*

joesoap1976 wrote:

i am actually a lot more calm that perhaps i come across. Perhaps i am misleading you ...... Ok i admit i am not sleeping very well but i am functioning properly in work, eating well and to a large extent i am fine in social circles (with the occasional depressing moment).

Its just the regret that i failed and i miss her. Wont find another girl as pretty as her. Thats very superficial, i know i am aware of that but tis true. I love this girl.

So i am i believe emotionally ready to speak to her i think i am but ...... is it worth while.

Well then just go and meet her. Happy?

I'll look forward to your new thread about how your head is now unbelievably melted after having met her.

Mr. Presentable

Asking this kind of thing on Boards is double-edged.

1 Total strangers, Boardsies can see your problem subjectively and have no axe to grind with you or her. So you can get the best kind of advice.

2 Boards is an internet forum, and possibly populated by weirdos who'd like nothing better that to screw up the relationships of total strangers.


But for me, if it was me in that situation, I'd want someone to keep me from seeing her. Don't do it - as an esteemed previous poster wrote, it's a "fix" and will prolong the withdrawal.

BaZmO*

nipplenuts wrote:

2 Boards is an internet forum, and possibly populated by weirdos who'd like nothing better that to screw up the relationships of total strangers.

What relationship? He doesn't have a relationship with her anymore.

And do you really think that people are trying to screw with his head?

estar

hi there

sorry to hear about your hurt etc

a few points

- this girl can't have cared for you very much to be seeing someone already (sorry)

- if she is agreeing reluctantly - have some pride and don't go - you have damaged yourself already

- i have done both things - both not seen people for ages after a split and also seen them and tried to "be friends" - and not seeing them was infinitely better - it avoided all that messy horrible emotionally vulernable stuff that comes out when you are a bit heartbroken and that you really regret when you regain your senses

confide in your friends, fine, but please for the love of god cancel this meeting as i guarantee you will regret it in time

leave at least six months before any contact whatsoever in order to have
some emotional perspective on this situation.

bye!! and good luck.

Marksie

BaZmO* wrote:

And do you really think that people are trying to screw with his head?

Nope. The advice is 100% the same.

Kell: extend the 2 years to 20.

joesoap1976

i just cancelled the meeting. I feel its probably for the best.

joesoap1976

thanks especially the harsh advice ...... you are most likely right ....

Mr. Presentable

BaZmO* wrote:

What relationship? He doesn't have a relationship with her anymore.

And do you really think that people are trying to screw with his head?

No. Ergo the use of the word "possibly"

Drift

joesoap1976 wrote:

Its just the regret that i failed and i miss her.

You didn't fail anything. Its not some sort of test. The relationship just ceased and from what you told us its definitely not your fault.

joesoap1976 wrote:

Wont find another girl as pretty as her.

BULL**** - I guarantee you that at least half the girls replying to your threads in PI are better looking than her. At the moment you see everyone as inferior to her because she's the only girl you can't have - its a grass is greener thing. Your opinions about her looks will become more objective in time. I guarantee it.

joesoap1976 wrote:

I love this girl.

She doesn't love you and I believe that love isn't proper love unless you know its returned unconditionally.

joesoap1976 wrote:

So i am i believe emotionally ready to speak to her i think i am but ...... is it worth while.

I honestly don't think you are ready emotionally. I think all you'll do is set yourself back the 6 weeks progress you've already made. Would you feel better if you went back to the way you felt the day after she dumped you?


Sorry for making assumptions here if I'm wrong but I think you're of the opinion that there's no way you could ever get a girl as good as this one again and so you're convincing/deluding yourself that its possible to get her back or make her regain her confidence in you. The important thing that you need to keep telling yourself here is that she's not good enough for you and that in a few years time she'll really regret leaving a good guy like you - luckily at that stage you won't give a **** cos you'll have a much better woman and/or have a gaggle of much nicer women chasing you!!!

If she's the type of girl who can end a two year relationship and have a new bf 6 weeks later then she's clearly not good enough for someone who invests as much of themselves and their emotions in a proper relationship as you do. Unless you plan on telling her exactly this tomorrow I don't think you'll feel better after meeting her.

BaZmO*

joesoap1976 wrote:

i just cancelled the meeting. I feel its probably for the best.

No, it is for the best.

r3nu4l

Ha Joe, you really are a new version of me 9 years ago I know what you are saying about clarity, you really feel a need to explain yourself, want her to explain herself and don't want to feel like you have failed her. You feel there is unfinished business and that you should talk it through even though there is no chance she will take you back.

All of the above sounds logical and rational but believe me once you meet her and spend time talking to her you will come back a wreck, confused and hurt!

Really, I know this. Honestly. This girl has decided that you are not right for her. That hurts, badly but it doesn't mean that you failed her. That said, you have to realise that you can't be all things to all people. Right now you are failing yourself by continuing to think this is a good idea.

You can get over this in time. You will get over this. You will build yourself back up again and you will learn more about yourself as a person by having gone through this. Don't meet her.

Finally, I've said it in other threads, marksuttonie has said it here and I'm sure others have said it to you too. Change your phone number or block her number from your phone. Do not open any letters from her and don't send any yourself.

estar

thats great

arrange something fun to do this weekend

and whatever you do, NO drunk calling, the best thing to do would
be to arrange to meet your friends and leave your phone at home.

believe me, you will thank your lucky stars you did!!!

my last piece of advice - is find the things your really disliked
about her and focus hard on them -

did she have an annoying laugh, was she a bit thick really ?
was her ass too big or too small, if you continue floating around
in - oh ive lost the love of my life land - you are going to be really
miserable.

the bottom line is - the love of your life stays going out with you......

onwards and upwards my friend.

Marksie

joesoap1976 wrote:

thanks especially the harsh advice ...... you are most likely right ....

joe, its not harsh or meant cruelly. Juts direct and straightforward

r3nu4l

Good stuff joe, now as estar said, do something for yourself this weekend to celebrate the fact that you've taken another positive step in moving on.

Doesn't matter what that is so long as you enjoy it (and it's within the law of course!).

Wibbs

joesoap1976 wrote:

Its just the regret that i failed and i miss her. Wont find another girl as pretty as her. Thats very superficial, i know i am aware of that but tis true. I love this girl.

As others said, with distance you will realise this is total BS. Trust me. I have had girlfriends I thought were soooo gorgeous that I'd never get better. Trust me I did and when I think of them now I wouldn't find them particularly attractive anymore. In one case I damn near shudder at the thought of physical intimacy. I kid you not. If you had said that right after the breakup I would have looked at you like you were insane.

i just cancelled the meeting. I feel its probably for the best.

Thank God finally, for that good decision. That you should be proud of. That's the first step. Now STICK to that.

thanks especially the harsh advice

Not a bother. You have support out there if you chose to take it.

you are most likely right ....

You are really not listening, are you? We are not "mostly" right, we're pretty much completely with this. Put it another way. If one person calls you smelly, you can disregard it. If ten do, take a bath.

joesoap1976

You are absolutely right!

Wibbs

Yea we are and you know what the joke is? You knew this deep down before you hit that first post button.

What's happening to you now is panic. Simple as. Ordinary everyday panic. The rugs been pulled out from under you and you're freaked. Get another rug.that can be hobbies friends getting fit etc. NO rebounding though. That's just selfish.

Secondly by not contacting her at all, you take the rug from under her too. Tough.You need to move on and if she has you in the background like some dopey child man mewling and whining about your lost love, who gets the benefit of that?

I know it's not PC to say this but actually grow a pair and be a man about this. What does that mean? It doesn't mean some empty macho shíte as some may understand it. It means that you grieve, you examine what went wrong and do something about what you may find lacking in yourself. If you examine this correctly you'll also see that it wasn't just you at fault.It takes two to tango. If you don't believe that yet then you've some way to go.

Goodluck anyway.

LegacyUser

'Just reading this entire post for the first time today. And what I can say is the advice given here is EXACTLY right. Been there done this made all the same mistakes and wish I had the same forum back then.

Joe be glad that you managed to find somewhere to get this priceless advice, I don't think anyone here has disagreed with eachother.

It's Tough love

In 6mnths 1 year time you'll pat yourself on the back for being the stronger man and kicking this to the curb early.


Fair Play, and best of luck...Keeping yourself busy helps lots

Ciao

Signorio'