rate theese lyrics

emoKILLER

first song i ever wrote, be honest!


The city lights, are shining bright,
Get the 16 around nine or ten,
I can’t weight to see you tonight
Then we hit the clubs and do it all over again,
Bouncers check you out in the queue,
They look at your id to get your name,
None of them know what to make of you,
The randy bastards are at it again!

Chorus:
In every club, it’s the same old story,
I argue that we should go, but you want to stay,
Guys chattin’ you up, trying for their moment of glory,
They don’t get far, before you brush ‘em away,
We see your friends; we get a drink or two
They say I’m useless; all I do is play guitar,
They don’t like me; they want what’s best for you
You believe in me; you know I’m gona’ be a star!

A guy at the bar said you dressed far from classy,
I walk over to knock him into next week,
The sob said you look trashy!
But you held me back, and slapped his cheek
You look on fire with that tight red top and your mini skirt,
He is just jealous; he knows you are mine,
The guy walked away, cos he knew he would be hurt
I can’t believe I’m with a girl so fine!
Chorus

We leave the club around two or three,
Out the door, we both have trouble walkin’ straight,
We get a taxi, but he won’t let us go for free,
It’s back to yours, good old number 8,
Nobody’s home, we’ve got stuff to do!
2 years now, no night is ever the same,
I’ve waited all night to be alone with you,
I can’t weight to wake up, and do it all over again!
Chorus

mada999

thats some long chorus...

Are you still with this girl ????

gero13

i think its alri.....especially thats its ur first one

but have to agree with ur man that the chorse is a bit long....

another thing the last line of the chorse "I’m gona’ be a star!" VERY similar to the chorse in (R.E.Ms "all the way to reno")

wats the name of it?...

eoin5

Good entertaining stuff, and lyrics everyone can understand is big +++ points

emoKILLER

mada999 wrote:

Are you still with this girl ????

It was kinda based on one of my best friends!!!! lol

yea the chorus is a bit long, im gona drop the last 4 lines of the chorus, maby add them in before a guitar solo or something.
im thinking of changing 'im gona be a star' to 'im gona go far' or somrthing like that. as for a name, it doesnt really have one at the moment

Steve_o

I like the lyrics, the chorus is a bit long, the only thing is, you've written it in a kind of narrative / "In Head" Monologue style, which made it hard to warm too.....thats only my opinion tho!!!!

Frankiestylee

It's pretty good, especially for your first song. I'd warm to it more if it was about yourself... it'd have a bit more I dunno, substance or something. I started writing stuff like this, just to say things that I couldn't say any other way, so it's a good start, you just need to refine it (I'm not saying I'm refined).

Some of the rhythm is going to be a bit akward I reckon, some sentences go a bit over board on length compared to others. If I was you I'd maybe try a re-write and make it a little more subtle with regards to things like "You look on fire with that tight red top and your mini skirt", it sounds way clumsy, even getting rid of the "your" would make it flow a bit better. I played some guitar and sang along to it and it's ok, but there are definitly some cringe worthy parts to it that could be easily trimmed up.

All in all tis pretty good, just try and cut it down a bit, there's no need to give the listener a blow by blow account of your night. If they can relate then they'll fill in the gaps with their own experiences and if they can't relate you're not going to convince them by telling them you went with a mixed Swarma instead of a chicken doner.

emoKILLER

i put guitar to it last night, ended up changing it a fair bit, the long sentences were made a lot shorter!

Frankiestylee

Stick up a link so we can give it a listen as it's meant to sound?