Dont know whether to go or not

LegacyUser

I so frustrated and angry with a friend of mine that I feel I don’t want to be there for her anymore. This has been going on for a while.

Basically, I am Maid of Honour at her wedding this summer. I would normally call her one of my best friends, but lately and for the past while she is anything but…..

I don’t know a whole lot of people going to the wedding (thank god my partner said he’d go, although he has only met her twice in the past year – that is down to her effort), she never ever invites me anywhere socially and then it is always on her terms.

About 3 weeks ago I asked her to come out. She said she couldn’t. Saving for the wedding (they are not poor), painting the house etc. I was like grand (I knew it was another sob story). Yet this weekend I text her again and she said “I cant meet up, I am in X pub for the night”.


She never seems to want to meet up. Am getting very paranoid as to why ….. I am eating myself alive inside wondering why exactly she wants me as her Maid of Honor? She has a wide circle of friends, but she doesn’t have many “close” friends. What I am starting to think is that she just wants me there to fill in the numbers.

BTW, the wedding is abroad. My flights are paid for and hotel is booked. I have been thinking for the last few days that I don’t want to go. I don’t think I can grit my teeth any longer. I just don’t think its fair. I honestly cant say if it’s the wedding making her be like this, she was always a bit like this, but more recently its gotton worse. So am questioning what in the name of god I am doing going to this wedding. I feel like I have nothing in common with her anymore. I don’t even feel bad for thinking that I want to end the friendship. Its like, I wont miss her because she hasn’t been there in a long time anyways.

She emailed on Monday. Didn’t even ask how I was. Just barked out some information on the “wedding”. I ignored it. Wednesday got another email about why I hadn’t replied. She then rang and left a voice message. I then text yesterday evening and said that flights were booked, not to worry although I would like to meet up. Havent heard a think since. This feels like the final straw…..I just don’t know what to do or say. I just feel I cant go on like this as its making me unhappy. I don’t know what to do.

Kell

Have you considered that everyone that is not going to the wedding prolly wants to meet up before they go and are eating into every available bit of her time?

I dont understand why you said you meet up on her terms. They are your terms too as you choose to go. If you chose not to, they would be your terms.

When she said she was in the pub, why didnt you go meet her? You had planned on going out for the night with her so what was wrong with you that you didnt go and meet her?

It sounds like you have nothing very much on your plate at the moment and cant accept that everyone isnt in your boat with loads of time on their hands.

K-

boffin

Well I think that not going is extremely selfish of you...as you mentioned her wedding is in the summer and by turning around at this stage and saying your not going, would really and truely be like sticking the knife in.

So you have grown apart but it can be fixed. Ring her and tell her would want to talk about the wedding and being maid of honour. Arrange to cook dinner or something with her being broke and then talk to her. Tell her that you felt that you have grown apart and that at the moment you feel she is taking advantage of you with the wedding business or however you feel. Maybe because she is so busy she hasn't realised that you are feeling put out by the way she is acting. Remember though that there may have been times in the past that you lent on her for support and now she is lening on you for support.

biko

You should go. You are the maid of honour and perhaps this will bring you together again.
If you don't go it'll cause more problem and put a serious dent in your relationship.

missmatty

I can really sympathise as I'm in a similar situation at the moment with a 'friend' and i would just let the friendship wither away but for the fact we share an apartment so I can't get away from her!

Anyway, in your situation I would not do anything drastic until after the wedding. I guess as you agreed to be maid of honour it's unfair at this stage to pull out. However once the hoo-hoo of the wedding dies down you will have time to properly think about it. See if she gets in touch after or tries to see you, or thank you for your role as maid of honour, or whether she treats you as she does now. If nothing changes, you need to have a chat with her or just stop making an effort. I don't think you are being selfish or over-reacting and i think friendship is a two-way street

LegacyUser

Ok Kell. I said to her that I would go to meet her that night and she told me “no” that it was a private party.

Nothing on my plate? I wont even comment on that. That’s is not the topic of my post and you should well know that.

When SHE wants something she will ring/email/text etc until im just about ready to burst – even if I am busy. Once I was dying sick, went home from work that day, and she text wanting to meet that evening about, again, the “wedding”. I said sorry am sick blah blah blah and she basically threw a hissy fit about how busy she was and how that I couldn’t be there messed up HER plans.

The ejit that I am, I dragged myself out of bed.

I really really don’t want to go. Am from a small town and all I am thinking of is the repercussions it will have on me, i.e people will think am being very selfish. Am not one bit worried or sorry if the friendship ended. The next time I will hear from her will be in about a months time when she will want something about the “wedding” again.

Its taking things for granted – big time. I just don’t know at this stage what to tell her…..

“Dear X, anytime I mention to you about meeting up, there is basically a text/call freeze. I haven’t gone out with you in about 4 months now and I am starting to think I smell. I don’t understand the point of me going to the wedding, for what my purpose is. I will look pretty (I hope) and sign the Registrar and then I will be fecked off again. I have spent well over €800 on trying to be there for you. Maybe its time you tried to be there for me”.

Thanks for the replies.

boffin

ok from your second post - your friend sounds like she is very self obsessed at the mo (wedding fever prob) so apologies for the earlier remark about being selfish. (just be warned tho that is what people will say about you if you don't go).

However I know you don't want to go but the fallout from not going would be huge (wedding so close, small town etc). I would say just grin and bear it and once the wedding is over just don't bother contacting her anymore. The reason I say this is for your own sanity in the long run...I know you are ready to burst or burst her as the case may be..but you've lasted this long so just stick it out a little more if you don't think a talk would do any good. Maybe she is just one of these bridezillaz and doesn't realise she is being such a cow. Has it gone so far that you can't sit her down and talk to her about the way she has been treating your friendship??? Talk to her about that you have felt cut off and that your friendship is suffering. Prob best to go own the route of "I feel..." rather than the blame game "you did this..." because that will just get her on the defensive and she will just turn around and blame you "why can't you understand the pressure I'm under with the wedding etc".

karen3212

Hi,
I was just thinking from your second post that your friend sounds like a friend I used to have - used to compartmentalize friends too.

I have to say you should definatley go to the wedding, in a small town it's not worth the hassel of staying away. But afterwards..... it's up to you.

Miss Fluff

saddod wrote:

BTW, the wedding is abroad. My flights are paid for and hotel is booked.

Who is paying for your flights and hotel?

LegacyUser

I am paying for it myself.

Kell

saddod wrote:

I said sorry am sick blah blah blah and she basically threw a hissy fit about how busy she was and how that I couldn’t be there messed up HER plans.

The ejit that I am, I dragged myself out of bed.

There you go. YOU are allowing her to do things by her rules. Saying no to someone doesnt have to be confrontational.

Not having a go, but the more you give in to her, the more you will expect that she will be there when you want to go out. And it never works like that. The more you give in to a person, the more they want and will never stop to say thanks.

Trust me, as soon as you start saying no (and not to the wedding), she'll be all over you. If you keep saying yes, she will assume that she can, as she is doing now, walk all over you.

I'll give you an example- my sis wanted me to do the wedding photography for her wedding. I said no, for many very good reasons. For a year and a half she pestered and my answer remained no. She really got on my títs because she assumed I was going to concede, which I did not.

She wound up taking a hissy fit and a good cry and spa attack at me. I still said no. It was her that did the apologising in the end for being such a bridezilla drama queen and not respecting my answer.

K-

humanji

Your friend sounds like she's very stressed about the wedding, aas a most people when it comes to that time. You have to cut her a little slack in that regards.

You should talk to her. Don't just send a txt saying you want to meet. If you can go round to her house, or at the least ring her. Tell her that you're feeling ignored, but don't try and make yourself sound put upon. As I said, the wedding is most likely freaking her out, so just be calm and try and see why she's been acting that when and then see if you can see her point of view.

The_B_Man

so she never contacts u about going out or doing anything ye? heres what i'd do. I;d go to the wedding, since flight/accom is paid for already. Have meself a nice holiday at the wedding. Come home after and not bother contacting her about going out. Sicne she never contacts you either, it'll work out perfect! A break up, without the breakup!!