Derelict

MagnumForce

This was originally going to be an opening to a short story, but i couldn't think of a decent plot. so I've decided its just going to stay as an extremely short short story thing, and then write some more (unrelated ones) and put them together to form some sort of collection or something, anyway, here it is:


It was just after five o’clock when the knock came on my door. Four minutes past five to be exact...I think...In all honesty, I’m only assuming. That’s like lying but 63% more truthful. I waited a few seconds before deciding that I wasn’t going to answer it. When the choice was made it definitely felt like the right one. The day had been a long one, beginning at the very start and continuing right up until that knock on the door. It had been long and completely empty. Despite the sensation of finality, I had the terrible feeling this was going to be those days which are longer than the standard 24 hours.

I could barely even move except to reach for the bottle of 12 year old Scotch on the ground beside the armchair. It had been that sort of a day. The special, relatively-expensive-yet-still-quite-cheap whiskey had come out. It almost felt cruel, 12 years old, almost a teenager and it’s life cut short to fulfil the needs of a poor thirsty man, such a tragic way to die. But at least it could have taken solace in the fact that it was keeping me sane.

Half way through pouring the liquor into a highball glass my brain kicked in just enough to notice the lack of ice. I knew I would have to get up and go to the freezer. One day I figure I will arrange the furniture and appliances so that everything is within arms reach, but I know that on that day, my life would well and truly be over, so I keep pushing the deadline back by one day every day. I hauled my lifeless body out of the chair and made the motions to stand upright, failing twice, succeeding once, and failing one more time, but on that last attempt momentum carried me all the way to the fridge door before I realised what had happened.

I did a pretty decent job of ignoring the smell as I reached into the freezer section to mine for some ice shards. Pretty soon after I started the ice mining expedition I realised I’d neglected to bring my glass, or any other suitable vessel, with me. Furthermore, the ice was melting in my hands and was winding it’s way across my kitchen floor in such a fashion that even the Amazon would be jealous, but of course then it would realise that it was the Longest River In The World and would feel foolish for envying this tiny kitchen river, and would make sure no one found out that it had in the first place.

I figured I had enough ice when I started not being able to feel my hands anymore. As I set off back to the comfort of the armchair, television and whiskey, the inevitable occured. In a single step, two things happened. #1: I crushed the hopes and dreams of what could have one day been the Greatest Body Of Water In The World. #2: I began my descent to the floor.

Once there, I thought it best to stay there for a while and get some well needed rest. It seemed like a good idea at the time. So with a pool of water from the rapidly melting ice I’d fallen on gathering around me, and the sounds of A Fistful Of Dollars playing on the television, I duly began to fall asleep.

“I don't think it's nice, you laughin'. You see, my mule don't like people laughing. He gets the crazy idea you're laughin' at him. Now if you apologize, like I know you're going to, I might convince him that you really didn't mean it.”

My last thought before clicking into unconsciousness was that they really should have apologised.

I vaguely remember my dreams being punctuated by gunshots.


© Adam Smith

DC

I like a lot of what you have written here. Integrating "A Fistful of Dollars" worked well for me.

I'm not 100% (or even 63%) sure about the first paragraph. Maybe just having the guy woken up by a passing train would do the trick of getting the story going.

I look forward to seeing more...

smcgiff

Hi Adam,

You can create good images and ideas, but the actual writing itself needs to be a good deal better.

DC was being kind re the first paragraph - I read it a couple of times and it doesn’t scan. I think you were trying to establish your character, but it was mostly confusing. The very first sentence was weak, and possibly in passive voice - Don’t have a WP on this PC so I can’t check !

There’s a lot to like, but there’s a lot to work on!

MagnumForce

smcgiff wrote:

Hi Adam,

You can create good images and ideas, but the actual writing itself needs to be a good deal better.

DC was being kind re the first paragraph - I read it a couple of times and it doesn’t scan. I think you were trying to establish your character, but it was mostly confusing. The very first sentence was weak, and possibly in passive voice - Don’t have a WP on this PC so I can’t check !

There’s a lot to like, but there’s a lot to work on!

This is a first attempt at writhing something really, I usually just write poetry, but i thought Id give something like this a go.

What confused you exactly about the first paragraph, so I can review it and see if I can make some changes. I was trying to establish character alright, The assuming part is probably the confusing bit, is it? It's just that I always find myself assuming things without actually checking if i'm right, mostly little things, like the time, as used in this, em, thing.

The last sentence of the first paragraph relates to the fact that the story was going to continue, but I decided not to (same with the knock on the door, but I feel that works even without explaining it). so that could be confusing alright and I may need to alter it. There was also a short introductory paragraph, which I left out here, because It would have made no sense.

I'm pretty sure the first sentence isn't in the passive voice but I couldn't be sure. If I had phrased the first sentence as :"The knock came on my door just after five o'clock", that would have put too much emphasis on the knock. The point of mentioning is at all and indeed calling it "the" knock as opposed to "a" knock, is to show that it was the only thing worth noting that had happened in the whole day up until then.

And DC: I wouldn't want him sleeping and being woken up, because as he says, the day had been long and empty, If he'd been sleeping it would have gone quicker and I wanted the day to be as long as possible for him, plus he was watching A Fistful Of Dollars, who sleeps through that!?

It may seen that I'm dismissing the points you made, but I assure you i'm not, Im just trying to explain things, I really really do appreciate the criticism, and would like to hear more.

smcgiff

Hi Adam,

You're right - the first sentence isn't passive. The below was the first passive sentence, which as far as I'm concerned is a decent sentence and needn't be changed.

'When the choice was made it definitely felt like the right one.'

I still don't like the first sentence, though I can't put my finger on why.

For such a short story I don't think we have time to indulge in lines like 'Four minutes past five to be exact...I think...In all honesty, I’m only assuming.'

And maybe I'm missing some famous reference or something, but I don't get the 63% more truthful - Maybe it's just cause I is dumb?

Just a small thing, but is especially important for short stories - remove any excess words, and words like "that" are killers. Simply removing "that" from below improves the flow, imo.

'I waited a few seconds before deciding I wasn’t going to answer it.'

'The day had been a long one, beginning at the very start and continuing right up until that knock on the door.'

You've taken 22 words in this sentence that could be shorter while getting the same effect. As a poet you should be better placed to be more concise than prose writers.

'It had been long and completely empty.'

Here you're repeating the same feeling, without getting value for words.

'Despite the sensation of finality [What sensation of finality?], I had the terrible feeling this was going to be [one of?] those days which are longer than the standard 24 hours.'

Hope this makes sense, or maybe I'm talking B*llix!

DC

Hi Adam,

Stick with the writing. It's not bad for a first attempt. What will help, maybe, is reading it out loud to yourself. If it doesn't sound right when you read it, make changes.

If you haven't got it already, get Strunk and White's "Elements of Style". It's excellent.

I used to mix up "its" and "it's" all the time, e.g. "winding it's way" -> "winding its way". Reading Elements of Style will sort out so much stuff with semi-colons, dashes, commas, "forcibility" of your writing, etc.

I take your point about the beginning and being woken up. An idea I have is that the story might start with A Fistful of Dollars. Maybe take a quote from earlier in the movie that sets a mood. That would be a neat way of starting the story and finishing it on the same theme.