friends bumming me out....

LegacyUser

I find it very difficult to get my mates to do anything socially and I believe the main reason is because they are are serioulsy pussy-whipped (apologies for the indelicate turn of phrase but it's succinct). Trying to get out for a lads-only night is a major ordeal. I've recently been trying to organise a quick night away (1 night) for six of us. One person was double-booked so couldn't come but the other 4 said ok. One by one three of them have now pulled out so that leaves 2 of us which is a bit too romantic so we've agreed to nix it. Anytime I try to do something like this I always dread the phone-calls and the lame lame excuses because I know that they are on their way.

One or two are always good, it's the rest of them that are the problem and I know in my bones that it's their lack of a set of balls that creates problems. I can never understand how (a) some blokes can capitulate under the thumb so readily and (b) why some girls have a problem with their other halves getting out for the odd pint or heading away for a quick night.

I firmly believe that in the scheme of things our lives are way too short too pass up what in fairness are very infrequent occassions to get out as a bunch of lads and just have a simple bit of banter and a few beers. My missus agrees and we never hassle each other about this kind of thing and there is plenty of quid pro quo.

We are all early 30's.
All married or just about.
Some have kids (I do) some don't.
This is very tame, very infrequent events I'm talking about - 2-3 times a year.
We do do couples nights also.

The gas thing is that when we do get out they are all "oh these nights are great, we should do them more often, fair play to you for organising etc."

The ****e thing is this gets me down quite a bit. These guys are my close friends and I dont have a wide circle of friends outside these guys so it kills me that they can't be arsed to get themselves up and out for a good session every now and then.

Does anyone else have similar experiences? Is there anyone out there that is prepared to admit they are sub-thumb and can explain the psychology? Are there any girls out there who can tell me why some girls curtail their partners carousing?

Cheers...

Caliden

So organise the night out the following week and the following week until they run out of excuses.

whiskeyman

sounds like it mightn't just be their other halves keeping them from not being so up for it. Perhaps it's just general laziness? I have a few mates who I literally had to book everything for and make sure they on the way to the airport etc... otherwise they'd just never go! (and they're single!!)

BlackIguana

Maybe it's your focus on the drink.....?

Are you sure the rest of them are as keen on the idea of 'sessions' as you are?? It has a few disadvantages - hangovers, not great health-wise, pretty costly etc.

Have you tried to arrange 'non drink-orientated' things?

vorbis

"non drink-orientated" whats that?!!
I'd hope when I'm in my early thirties I'm still able to enjoy a pint of 2.
I seriosuly doubt its anything to do with the drink.

I'd echo whiskeyman's view. Getting ANY group of people to commit to a trip can be a pain. Recently, a friend tried to organise a trip to San Diego, LA and San Fran (we live in Boston) Initially we had a group of 7 enthusiastically talking about it. One by one though, they all dropped off
(don't know if i'll have the money, don't think I'll get time off work)

The annoying thing is that your friends will probably whine about life been a bit boring and not having done much lately!

Nytfevr

I'd agree with both Wman and BIguana, you can try do something else instead of just going on an absolute bender like paintballing or gokarting or something like that. It's unfortunate that one of the main focus points of irish culture is the teach tabhairne. And as for lazy friends, I had the same type dilemma, I literally had to drag the fockers into budget travel to sort out a hol, and when we were over there they were like 'why the fock haven't we done this before!' nobs I tell ya! In fairness though they're organising our new now 'annual' voyage..
It may be an idea seeing that you all do couples nights to arrange with your wife to get all the lads wifes' out on a night (we're talking desperate housewives style poker) and then call up your buddies and they'll have no excuses!

WindSock

I hate the term pussywhipped. If my boyfriend wants to go out, I never stand in his way (unless we had a prior arrangement) In fact, I'm just short of pushing him out the door sometimes. I'll even drive him to the pub just to get rid of him for the night
It does really boil down to laziness and that when in a relationship, you dont need to socialise to get your hole anymore.
Its very easy to bail out of engagements, I notice I have been doing this myself.
The best thing is to organise something that requires money and a deposit.

Saintly

You can sit and fume over your mate's evil joykilling partners or you can just accept that clearly to them, your trips are not a priority. It may be the expense, it may be the drink, it may just be that lots of people in their 30s have busy lives and like to spend their precious time off with partners, families, other priorities. The thing is, what you consider a fantastic idea, may not appeal to them three times a year!

Saintly

Saintly

You can sit and fume over your mate's evil joykilling partners or you can just accept that clearly to them, your trips are not a priority. It may be the expense, it may be the drink, it may just be that lots of people in their 30s have busy lives and like to spend their precious time off with partners, families, other priorities. The thing is, what you consider a fantastic idea, may not appeal to them three times a year!

Saintly

davyjose

But you're not 21 anymore. And neither are they - maybe, and stand back for this, but maybe just maybe they aren't pussywhipped, and just actually enjoy being with their other halves and find time with them more valuable than time getting locked for the night!

cold_filter

My friend are exactly the same apart from 1 of them, you need to organise everything like a military operation for them to even have a chance of going somewhere, the only place they like going is the local, on the other hand i could txt 1 friend any night and he's up for beers

Cateym

Its not just blokes I'm afraid. Couple of years ago when I was 24 I was trying to organise a get together with four girlie mates. It was planned MONTHS in advance and the week before, I got an email from one telling me that none of them had any money (despite having months of notice) and a few of them suddenly had weddings to go to??? I was well brassed off. Didn't bother my a*se organising anything again and signs are on we haven't seen eachother as a gang since.

milod

OP, welcome to your thirties! I'm in the same position - I've a great relationship with my partner and she doesn't resent me going out with the lads (if I could find enough lads to go out with!!)

But I seem to be in a minority... I've actually lost friends over this, and in one extreme case, one of a bunch of my mates was actively banned from hanging around with us - no excuses - we're all mature and drink moderately - his partner simply didn't want him having a social scene she didn't control.

I've seen this a lot and it's a simple fact you have to accept - when you throw a bunch of partners into the mix, some guys take the easy way out and don't argue the point when they feel like a night out with the boys

As a result, a formerly fun and outgoing bunch of guys who regularly socialised (often with partners) has disintegrated. A word of advice though - if you're always the one harping on about it, you'll soon become unpopular. Let's face it, the guys don't want you reminding them that they need to grow some balls...

Femelade

I also hate that term pussy whipped...
I'm afraid that my boyfriend's friends use the same term to describe him, i certainly hope they dont..
i have told him loads of times to go out with his friends but he says he wants me to come too, and sometimes i do, but if say i wont bother he says he wont bother too, i've been going out with him for only 9 months and i think in all that time he has been out with his friends without me a total of 3 times...but its not my fault! i dont stop him..

Maybe you should arrange something with everyone together, wives and girlfriends included...?

MikeHoncho

I sympathise with you OP. I find it quite hard to organise anything these days. Some of my friends I get the impression say no things so that people will make a big fuss over them (like to be begged) others have just become lazy and boring. I always these days just say "im doing this on this date, your more than welcome to come along" if they show up its great if they dont then they dont.

BaZmO*

It's just a fact of life and most people's priorities change as they get older. But then again some people are just selfish feckers. Maybe it's a case that some of your mates don't fancy the idea of of heading into town and having to wait for a taxi at stupid o'clock in the morning. Why not suggest heading into town to see a match? That way it wouldn't be such a late night. Or maybe some of them feel too old for nightclubs or just can't be ársed with them.

I'm in the same age bracket as yourself and every now and then I'd head into town on a Saturday afternoon for a few pints with some mates. I'm lucky enough that I also have mates that'd still go out on a Friday or Saturday nights. but I also have some mates that just won't do anything and just like a previous poster I'll fallen out with friends that just wouldn't do anything. One in particular just wanted to stay at home with his girlfriend ALL the time, his choice, not hers.

LegacyUser

'

davyjose wrote:

maybe they aren't pussywhipped, and just actually enjoy being with their other halves and find time with them more valuable than time getting locked for the night!

Saintly makes a similar point. I fully appreciate this but knowing these lads and their partners the under the thumb bit is a factor but I agree that maybe it's not the whole deal. The other thing is that when they do finally get up off their arses and get out they wax lyrical about it and say they are having the best night out in ages etc.

Thanks everyone for your points - every one is appreciated. Problem shared is halved and all that. BaZmO*, MikeHonch and milod thanks particularly for your replies - good to know that other people have similar experience.

Cheers all!'

Kell

davyjose wrote:

But you're not 21 anymore.

And what the hell has that got to do with anything? Neither am I, but I am out every weekend. Even my mates that are in relationships are out every weekend with or without the partners and we are all early thirties.

Age is entirely what you make of it. I hope to be doing the same amount of socialising to some degree for the next 20yrs and then some. Sit in front of a telly going brain dead when you could be out? Nah.

K-

estar

stops a man going out if he really wants to

unless a child is seriously ill

they are just lazy.

make new friends? start a new hobby, you can't just have one set of
friends in life from one era - life changes so you have to keep changing also.

its what keeps things fresh and interesting

and then you won't feel reliant on them so much

i think older men sometimes have a problem making new mates
when their friends settle down

as they arent used to approaching men as friends that they don;t really
know

theres nothing wrong with female friends, younger friends or older friends you know.............

maybe your friends would be more interested in dinner out than a night
on the beer?