no friends..literally..

LegacyUser

OK....

well as the title states, I dont. Im not even sure where to start with this as its been a constantly fluctuating subject for me over the years. Im in my Early 20's and as the years have gone on, ive never really obtained really good, foundated friends, yea I have acquaintances, 'mates' but no friends. This gets me down and depresses me on a daily basis, but as im always an up-beat, nice friendly guy all the time, no-one is the wiser about my situation.

The thing is....where the hell do I find the oppertunity to gain the position to make good friends? , now I know I will be bombarded with suggestions from that question but joining a club, or starting a hobbie though, this wouldnt be feesable at the moment as I work full time and usually very tired after work.

At the moment, im currently in college, and wont be proceeding with my next academic year as I'm unhappy there and feel like the course isnt for me....

So, ill give you a small breakdown of myself, im caring, sensitive, funny(one of my best personality aspects) considerate, fun to be around, creative, witty,loyal and having been told by girls that im very good looking (anyone have a pin for my head?..hehe). When people meet me...they generally like me as im really accomodating and can usually alter myself (but not change) to suit a certain social make-up and get on with everyone.

This is the part I dont get....how come they dont txt me...ring me..see if I want to do something?...all its ever been is false suggestions... 'we should meet up sometime' kinda thing, now before you ask, 80% of my life ive been the one doing the run around, organising things with people, for going out, drinks etc so at this point im so fed up with that, i expect people to be more attentive to me, which has left me in the situation of staying in every weekend, confiding in my computer+TV+food (sad i know) and has progressed to deminishing my self-esteem, confidence and ive put on a good bit of weight due to this. It gets me so upset seeing bunches of people going out at the weekend enjoying themselves and partying....something i crave for but dont know how to go about it.

I mean...how am i to start off finding new friends?.. I am so terrified what people will think, "do you not have any friends?" .....I keep thinking that people wont be understanding with the concept that i have none...which is maybe another reason why im so lost on the whole subject.I've been offered out countless amounts of times over the years but everyone thinks i've 1000's of friends...and when i cant even rustle one person to come out with me...I can't show up constantly to venue's alone....(mate)"bring some of your friends along with you...u'll be fine".....(me).."yea ok..ill see what i can do" (knowing full well i probably wont be going)...I know i seem to be really analytical but just trying to convey my situation.

I am sorry for rambling on about this but I need to get it all out of my system,
If there is anything you want to ask me please feel free to,

any advice would be really helpful..

thanks guys

matt-dublin

you could try something like www.maybefriends.com

or asking people at work/college to go for pints or something afterwords in a local.

taking up a club sport would be the best way imo because of the social events associated with them

ie golf - 19th hole
rugby/soccer - few drinks after training/matches, internationals etc etc.

also, why don't you text and ring the people you expect them to text.

you don't necessarily have to wait for someone else to make the first move.

also theres nothing wrong with turning up to an event alone, mingle with other people, thats how to meet new people and gain new friendships. Also chat up girls when your out. you might find that you'll get a few phone numbers.

go out into smoking areas in nightclubs, you'll end up chatting to people there too.

its all about building rapor with people, and once you've met them a few time you'll find they'll ask for your number, and ask for theirs.

then ring them and find out what they're up to next weekend etc etc

that would be like not calling your boss to call in sick because you're waiting for him to call you first.

People in general can be lazy towards makeing new friends, but if you make the effort, start calling people you know to find out what they're up to over the weekend you may find they'll start calling you aswell.

People might just not be calling/texting as they might feel you're uninterested in their activities.

Kell

anon.. wrote:

yea I have acquaintances, 'mates' but no friends.

What stops you from developing them into "friends" and also, what do you define as a friend?

anon.. wrote:

This is the part I dont get....how come they dont txt me...ring me..see if I want to do something?...all its ever been is false suggestions... 'we should meet up sometime' kinda thing,

:rolleyes:

anon.. wrote:

now before you ask, 80% of my life ive been the one doing the run around, organising things with people, for going out, drinks etc so at this point im so fed up with that,

Those two points can be addressed in one go. The simple fact of the matter is that a lot of people are sheep who follow the herd. Another simple fact is that people do not go out every weekend or 3/4 times a week (I know. Baffles me too) so those bunches of people out enjoying themselves are people on their 1/2 nights out a month.

People dont ring you, because you are an aquaintance of theirs, not a mate (as you said yourself). I dont call aquaintances when I go out, I round up friends, and yeah, I do the organising too because the rest are happy to go with the flow or sit at home. No point in being upset about it. Someone has to do it.

Text your aquaintances and tell them you are taking them up on their suggestion of going out. Organise something. The more you do this, the more people go "isnt he a fun guy to be round. Next time we get invited to a party, add him to the "invite list".

anon.. wrote:

i expect people to be more attentive to me, which has left me in the situation of staying in every weekend,

Try not doing that. Only makes you bitter.

anon.. wrote:

I can't show up constantly to venue's alone....(mate)"bring some of your friends along with you...u'll be fine".....(me).."yea ok..ill see what i can do"

Why not? If someone invites you somewhere, you go. You want a social life, but you seem to be doing everything you can to avoid it.

So, advice-

A) text all these colleagues and organise something for THIS weekend
next time someone asks you along to something, GO

Yes- it really is THAT simple.

K-

LegacyUser

thanks guys

really appreciate the time you put into replying....

To kell and matt---the reason why i said "false promises" is because when i do ring them up etc to see if they want to do something..their either busy or dont want to do anything..that is what has me bitter..is that i have tried over and over to try and make things work..but it always feels like a wild goose chase...

for me its not so easy...having put on weight etc has hit my self-esteem and confidence big time (i know it sounds like a womanish(not to sound offensive) thing to say...but im am very self-conscious).I dont feel comfortable in my own skin anymore because of it...and when you combine what seems like an accumaltion of small problems....it becomes one big one..

on the upside I am back at training and getting fit (I used to be very fit)...So i believe that if i can feel good about myself on the inside...it will show on the outside??... may give me more confidence?...

I know that I had more confidence when i was slimmer, i think that would be a good start, to get things back on track...for some people it comes easily..making friends etc.. for me its always been a struggle...something i hope will end in due course....

Cianos

I havent read the full thread, but I'll throw in my thoughts anyway. I'm getting the impression that you may be over-eager and this may put people off. It reminds me of a few ppl I know. They are really nice, and friendly, chatty and outgoing. But I dont get a good feel for the person because their presence seems too intense or something. It doesn't feel natural. And in that way, they dont feel like a proper friend. So my advice to you would be to just relax and take it easy. Dont think about the whole thing too much. Try surround yourself with like-minded people, and dont fear rejection. You dont need other people to verify your own self esteem or self worth.

dodgyme

relax the cats - you dont need friends. I have spent the whole of my life trying to rid myself of mine with no joy. It must be my personality they like. Jez I wish they would all leave me alone.

Koco

I really admire people who turn up at parties etc. on their own. Just 'cos someone tells you to come along and bring some friends it doesn't mean that you can't arrive alone. In fact, I like going out alone because I can mingle without worrying whether whoever I've brought with me is having a good time. You can always make an excuse and leave after an hour if you feel uncomfortable. At least you are not one of those people who hangs out with their school-friends for the rest of their lives... nothing wrong with staying in touch with people you've known for years but it annoys me the way some people are afraid to expand their social circle. I moved to Dublin a few years ago and I found it difficult to meet people. It took a while but I feel like I've lots of friends now - only because I made an effort to phone, text and email people to make arrangements to meet up.

daiixi

anon.. wrote:

When people meet me...they generally like me as im really accomodating and can usually alter myself (but not change) to suit a certain social make-up and get on with everyone.

I don't get how you can "alter but not change" yourself. Perhaps you come across as fake.

Nytfevr

Seriously man, text text text, meteors text messages are free for a reason!! Sounds like you'd be a great friend to have, you're problem may be that people assume you're so popular they don't contact you as they are contacting closer friends! Drop me an e-mail and I'll send you something that hopefully will be of help, it's nytfevr ag gmail stad com

Savman

Get yerself a Bebo, myspace and MSN setup. There's an element of bull**** involved alright but it's handy for keeping in touch.

Remember "mates" come and go, friends are few and far between.

GhostInTheRuins

Cianos wrote:

I havent read the full thread, but I'll throw in my thoughts anyway. I'm getting the impression that you may be over-eager and this may put people off. It reminds me of a few ppl I know. They are really nice, and friendly, chatty and outgoing. But I dont get a good feel for the person because their presence seems too intense or something. It doesn't feel natural. And in that way, they dont feel like a proper friend. So my advice to you would be to just relax and take it easy. Dont think about the whole thing too much. Try surround yourself with like-minded people, and dont fear rejection. You dont need other people to verify your own self esteem or self worth.

Bingo. exactly what I was thinking. Op you said that you alter yourself to accommodate people. like cianos said being over eager will defo put people off. maybe just tone it a down a bit.

not14talk

At school I had loads of friends got along with almost my hole year and I had two best friends who I got to know on basically the first day of school. Then when we all got our offers from the CAO I saw that all my friends where all going different places. From my year there was me and four girls going to my college and I didn’t really get along with them.

I moved away from home to go to college thus leaving my friends from outside school behind. Then I got unlucky me and my house mates had nothing in common and we didn’t really get along, then I didn’t like my course and I was the only person from my course that didn’t commute. So I had no friends, I found myself hating college which I had thought was going to be great craic. So I joined 4 clubs to try and make friends, didn’t go to two then I stopped going to one after a month. As for the last club I joined(soccer) I knew full well that I wouldn’t make the freshers team but I worked hard at it and got on the team and I was starting then I got moved up to the senior team after a few weeks but I made loads of friends through the club and two of my good mates who I always head out with are from it.

I also hated heading out on my own but I did it even though I hated it but then I got to know people and now iv mates who head down to the club with and in the clubs I know loads of people who I go off talking to and get to know their friends.

Up until a few week ago I hated college but now I love it and I don’t see how I could go back to school. The other day I was playing in the staff v.s students match and I met up with a few lads who I was good mates with at school and we had nothing really to talk about other then school.

I now understand my course which makes its interesting and lads in my course are always staying up with me because they don’t wanna head home.

The only people I now keep in contact with from school are my two best mates.

So IMO the best option for is to join a club and just head out on your own even though it hard.

Also like in the other post I hate people who stay friends with people they know from school and don’t try and make new friends from outside their group.

Now replying to this was so much better then studying for my exam tomorrow

Saintly

I definitely agree with the comments that you are trying too hard. It sounds as though when you meet people, you already planning/obsessing about when you will see them next. What kind of messages are you sending out to people - do you present as needy, intense and dependent? Can they tell you are bitter when they decline an invitation?

Friendship works both ways. Meet people - see what you have in common with them, don't have expectations, relax. If you chill out and don't suffocate or overwhelm people, they may actually get the chance to know you and vice versa. You scoff at the idea of joining a club but whats wrong with picking one night a week to share an interest with like minded people?

You have described all these wonderful attributes about yourself, yet insist on painting yourself as a victim. Have a think about the things you are doing that may be alienating people - think about yourself in general company - objectively, as though you were seeing yourself on a tv screen - do you hog the conversation, do you talk too much about yourself/draw things back to yourself, do you try to impress people, do you put too much pressure on them for 'friendship', do you actually listen to other people.

I'm not trying to be harsh but you need to look at your patterns of behaviour - because it does sound as though your social skills need some work. You most likely do have the qualities you describe, but perhaps you have other characteristics that are not quite as appealing/ are off-putting. Find out and work on it.
Good luck!

Saintly.

luckat

Turn it around, mate. Instead of wanting to be a consumer of friends, work out how you can be a service to friends.

What are you giving to your acquaintances? Are you guilt-tripping them for not texting and calling? Are you there with your big sad eyes?

Perhaps you're looking for friendship in the wrong kind of people.

Suggestion: read the old classic How to Win Friends and Influence People. Still as true today as when it was written.

Esel

You don't 'obtain' friends.

LegacyUser

'Thanks guys for all your extremely helpful advice..

just to address a few things....i think the concept of me being needy or too intense has been mis-construde slightly. One of the points that i was trying to make is that all my life ive been the one..texting..trying to organise things...and they never seemed to work out properly.the contactee's being already busy etc. Im aware of how a great friend I can be to these people...and when they dont see that in me it hurts , especially when i know some of there friends who I know are back-stabbing and cruel, but yet they prefer their company which baffles me.

I never come across as being intense, often quite chilled out and relaxed as thats the type of person i am. If I was physically talking to anyone of you now, about this subject you'd understand.I know that this is just a very big 'phase' in my life and I know things will get better.

I think being a bit more ballsey would help me....

I remember a time, a few years ago where I felt fantastic!! one of my previous jobs was very social, and I got on with everyone and remembering a few times we had gone out brings back happy memories. I felt like I was unstoppable, had crowds of people around me, glued to my every word. 5 yrs later, im STILL remenissing about it.

What id love to do is to get my confidence back..I know if i had it back that the old me would resurface and I could get back on track

you guys have been more than helpful, thank you so much '

dellas1979

Can I just ask,

some people are saying that he is coming across as needy and I dont understand why so....?

Its called making an effort. Shur if he didnt ask, do you think that these people would eventually call him? Come on like.......its easy to put a comment across like that, that someone is "desperate" when you do have friends and can afford to be so "lax" about it.

This isnt the OPs case at all. And I can empathise with you OP. Alot of people do go though this and you are not different to alot of people out there.

LegacyUser

'Thank you dellas, you seemed to understand exactly what I said...

Im not needy or desperate...but try and not sound like that if you were in my position and id assume that most of you are not...so its hard to relate to.

When you want something alot, that you've strived for , for so long and you dont get it, its upsetting...and to esel, dont pick on my words , either be helpful or dont post...

you see...i dont mean to make this sound boastful, but any job ive had, places ive gone, more than half the people there/working there, really like me as im a funny,witty guy and i love making people laugh, but the confusing part for me is that the transition from that to friendship never seems to be an option for me, maybe im just an unlucky person..lol '

estar

do you think you could be a little depressed?

depression distorts ones perception of things so
that good things seem bad etcetc

everything is worse than it should be and you are
the worse in the world...

it sounds like you do have friends and acquaintances,
its just that you have to chase them a little, thats
normal, relationships work differently for everyone

i usually have to chase my friends to do things,
and thats just the way things are

i think you are perhaps overly negative a bit sensitive,
so try to lighten up.

the worst way to make friends would be to be a bit negative and
intense about it, and appear too needy as that will scare people
off......

keep things light and happy if you can, its ok to express yourself
but personally i think you are putting a black slant on what
sounds like a normal life?

estar

ps

if you are going through a big life transition and have big
questions and are emotional the best thing to do is take
those feelings out of your friendships and into a therapist

they can give you the support you need leaving you free
to be lighter outside and not be weighed down by big
thoughts all the time.

they can also challenge a lot of your negative thoughts

like - ive never made a friend -

this sounds like absolute thinking to me, and you should sort it out

i dont believe it can be true !!

!

dellas1979

Sorry, but thats the oldest excuse in the book "thats just the way things are"........

Nobody wants to know anyone anymore. You dont stand there and chat with the neighbours anymore because no one can be bothered - thats the reality.

No one can be bothered.

You are right to question why you cant make friends! You dont need to be depressed either to not have the opportunity to make friends (come on like).

I was doing an evening class for over 8 months and not one person did I become friends with despite making conversation, being interested in them, being nice etc etc.....

I wasnt doing it to make friends, but if people cant be bothered, they cant be bothered.

So, my advice would be to not give up. We are always encouraging people here on boards that they will get through it, and I believe that if you keep trying, something will come of it.

And look at it this way, if that person you are trying to become friends with doesnt give a toss, then its their loss. Id pay a million € for a good friend. Not just people who couldnt give a toss.

joesoap1976

People go through this at certain times in life. I am quite sure from the way you have written your thread you are a nice person. Just open up to people. Be yourself. Speak to people in line in a supermarket. Get used to communicating again. Joins new clubs or societies which are of interest to you. Take up a sport ....... or Yoga. You meet very nice people through that. I did. There is a new photography club posted on the boards that i am joining. Its something i have always wanted to do. They are meeting next saturday and or sunday. If you have a camera ...... join in. I am looking forward to it. Get out there again and enjoy life. I should take some of my own medicine too.

The_Hustler

I think it's very unfair to hate people who hang around with their school friends, what are they doing to you? Are you annoyed that they're not hanging around with you?

I personally now hang around with people that went to my school but I wasn't friends with them then. We just got to know each other and are now very good friends.
I can't see a problem hanging around with your best friends if they ended up in the same course. Sure, it might benefit them to get to know others but not doing so isn't an offence.

OP, are you texting individuals that don't usually hang around together to go out? Sometimes that works and you all get along but they could be like yourself and not want to go alone or go with strangers.

Even if they know you well, some people don't like heading out in twos. You should go on one of those nights and get to know that group and after a while you could well be a fully fledged member of the group.

People that get locked together can become friends very quickly!

Esel

OP, no comment on 'obtaining' friends?