Some advice needed please

LegacyUser

Ok, so I'm a regular browser of this forum but haven't posted before. I need some advice!

I'm 20 and have been going out with my boyfriend for the past 4 or so months. He's my first boyfriend and I'm his first girlfriend, he's 20 too. Now we are both really into each other and fool around a good bit but I don't think I'm ready to have sex yet (I'm a virgin).

I think he is interested in having sex and we were fooling around the other night and it could have happened but I said no. Everything was fine, he didn't seem too bothered but he did try it on so he did want to have sex.

I know I need to talk to him. I'm not sure exactly how I feel about sex tbh, but I do think that my first time should be with someone I'm in love with. Now the 3 words haven't been said between us yet. I do feel strongly for him and I think he feels the same way about me. But we're both new to this sorta thing so don't want to mess up a good thing.

I'm not really sure what to say to him. That's where your advice comes in. I don't know when I'll be ready but I definitely don't want to rush it. What should I do...

randomname2005

Talk to him and explain this. If he likes you, he will wait, if not then he probably wasnt the person you wanted to have your first time with!

Kell

Anon_anon wrote:

I'm not really sure what to say to him. That's where your advice comes in.

A) Stop making a mountain out of a molehill.

Boyfriends dont try it on. He tried it on in order to hook up with you in the first place. Trying to get into your knickers is what you are supposed to do with your partner, and you're going "OMG :eek: I have to talk to him". All you have to do is say "listen I am not up for it yet. I really want to hang off for a while. Is that OK with you?"

Why do people get all hung up on what their new partner "might" say. Just bloody well say it.

Question- why dont you want to have sex? You're 20 and dont want to rush things ok, but what makes you think it wont be different when you're 25, or 35?

Also- where did the "dont want to mess up a good thing" comment come from?

Your "he tried it on" comment, makes me think you have a negative opinion about the concept of sex. Wanting to have sex with your partner is entirely natural yet the way you said "he did try it on so therefore he wanted to have sex" just makes me think that you think less of him for it. No?
K-

LegacyUser

Well I don't want to wait til I'm 25 or 35, I just want to wait til we've been going out a bit longer, I'm not sure why I feel this way but I do. I know it sounds silly but I feel that maybe it might ruin it if I'm not ready, as in I might freak out I'm obviously showing my inexperience with these two posts but really that's why I asked for advice.

Also- where did the "dont want to mess up a good thing" comment come from?

I dunno people are reluctant to say certain things in case they freak the other person out. That's what I meant by this comment.

Thanks for the advice!

Miss Fluff

Anon_anon wrote:

I know I need to talk to him. I'm not sure exactly how I feel about sex tbh, but I do think that my first time should be with someone I'm in love with. Now the 3 words haven't been said between us yet. I do feel strongly for him and I think he feels the same way about me. But we're both new to this sorta thing so don't want to mess up a good thing.

He may be a V-Reg too. Just talk to him, tell him it's something you may like to indulge in with him, but when you are good and ready. Just be honest I guess. He obviously likes you if he's waited four months. Just make sure you take the proper precautions when you do.:)

bombidol

As Kell said. Getting into each others knickers is what being together is about. its a good chunk of a relationship that you are missing out on. "Dont want to ruin a good thing" you said, I gaurantee you that its ruining it for him. If you dont want to do it, fair enough just tell him. But its really not that big of a deal at the end of the day. Get it over and done with.
You ever had an appointment with the doctor and you feckin dread it for weeks, then it comes and you go in....And its grand, you come out thinking what the hell you were worried about. Same thing
My feelings on the subject anyway

biko

Sure, don't rush it. But sooner or later you will have sex and it should be with someone you really care about (unfortunately it's usually while drunk after a party it eventually happens). Oh, and it's probably not going to be great the first time but don't worry - it does get better with practice.

Kell

Miss Fluff wrote:

He obviously likes you if he's waited four months.

I forgot that bit. Hmmn- four months and no action?

OP- if it were me, you would have to be absolutely extraordinary for me to wait that long. OK, I lost it in my teens and that was in the 90's, but the amount of people on boards who are virgins into their mid late 20's is extraordinary. I thought this is the naughties? The sexually revolutionised??

K-

Drift

There's no rush OP. I'm a guy in my twenties and I'd have no problem waiting for a girl for much longer than 4 months.

In my opinion if you think you might not be ready for sex then you probably aren't.

Attol

What do you mean by fooling around? Just kissing or more? I think you just need to work up to it a bit like gradually increasing stuff at a pace you're happy with. If you don't trust him then don't do it, if you do and it feels right then do it. How do you mean you're "both new to this sorta thing"? As in haven't been in relationships before? I think that there is nothing more important than an ability to communicate and be honest about things with someone you're with. It cuts out so much of the time wasting and nobody is left confused. Sit him down, take a deep breath and ask his opinion on the matter and tell him how you're feeling about it. Just tell him the truth. If you lie about it then how can either of you be happy being in a relationship where everything isn't actually how you think it is?

spinandscribble

Kell wrote:

A)

Question- why dont you want to have sex? You're 20 and dont want to rush things ok, but what makes you think it wont be different when you're 25, or 35?

shes already answered that, she wants to be in love for her first time. right now shes prepared to wait for that.

Kell

spinandscribble wrote:

shes already answered that, she wants to be in love for her first time. right now shes prepared to wait for that.

No- her statement was a school yard rules "just because" answer. It lacked any substance hence me asking so as to find out what she had in her head about the notion of sex. I can read you know.

K-

Marksie

Kell wrote:

I forgot that bit. Hmmn- four months and no action?

Kell.... 4 months and no penetration. They by her own admission "fool around"

You know and I know if they concentrate on improving the fooling around, that sets the base for a good love life and when the deed happens it will feel right.

So my advice is to continue to fool around and learn about each other that way, forget the idea that penatration= sex.

Take the fooling around to an artform and you both willl be ok

Kell

marksuttonie wrote:

Kell.... 4 months and no penetration. They by her own admission "fool around"

But thats just me, and this is now. I forget I am not 20 and all fingers n thumbs anymore. Bah.

Would I have waited back when I was 20? Really dunno.

K-

Marksie

Kell wrote:

Would I have waited back when I was 20? Really dunno.

K-

Yeah, but if someone had given you advice at 20 like you know now..would you have taken it?

Op: My first girlfriend was when i was 18. We waited and in the meantime the first ever S*x manual came out. So we got that and read it together (not having boardsies to help). From reading and learning that there was no looking back as it gave a good base from which to start and explore.

Kell

marksuttonie wrote:

Yeah, but if someone had given you advice at 20 like you know now..would you have taken it?

Wont actually tell you where my advice came from- fúcking hilarious in truth, but I am quite an intuitive person too. LOL, when I think of being mid teens and having a GF who was quite open to being explored without going all the way. Oh fond memories.

Would I have taken the advice? Damn straight.

K-

Marksie

Kell wrote:

LOL, when I think of being mid teens and having a GF who was quite open to being explored without going all the way.

and there is another point for the OP... a very important one

There are two of you in this.
If your partner is open to the idea great
How to communicate to your partner who may not be able to grasp the idea or even beleive he/she is the bees knees.

One way is to follow the rule that if you want your partner to be an ecstatic lover, become one yourself.

In other words, openly try and do new things (nothing major at first even), drive them wild and then draw them into the whole process. Communicate.
You are not then assuming that they automatically know what they are doing, but by opening to them you are guiding each other to a greater understanding both of each other and of yourselves.

And this holds true of everyone, even those in established relationships, or who have had several relationships.

The whole process is dynamic, not static. Dynamic is an evolving process, static is cramming s*x between the end of the telly and bed