normal fights or time it's over?

LegacyUser

how do you know what are just normal fights or when it gets too much between a couple? basically I row with my boyfriend over little things a lot. sometimes it's just a quick argument but other times it'll last for days. recent situation, on wednesday night we had an argument just after work relating to work. we went home and i went to bed without saying another word to each other. i got up on thursday and decided to make him breakfast as m way of apologising. we didnt speak a lot but weren't ignoring each other either. that night i went to work and when i came home he was gone out. he's been going out the past few thursdays which was a cause of argument between us. i felt left out because he's going out when i have to work and we dont realy go out any other day. usually i know beforehand but last thursday he didnt even text. i went to bed pretty mad and he eventually came home at 7am. now i'm not sure about others but i find it hard to sleep when he's gone out. especially since i hate being on my own in the apartment because it got robbed last year. friday i got up to go into town while he was still asleep. i was feeling terrible all day. angry and sad. when i got home he was up but not there. i went into my room and started crying. i couldnt stop. it was a mixture of anger towards him and sadness relating to my mother who is very sick and could possibly die this year. all in all i wasn't very happy. he came home (was with a friend and my brother getting food), started playing ps2 and after a while came in. i was still very upset at this stage and couldnt stop crying. but i didnt want him near me at that point. so he left and then went to work later. i spent the day on my own pretty much. saturday was the same. i stayed in my room doing nothing and he was in the kitchen, both of us lounging around. i didnt really feel angry at this point but neither of us spoke to each other much. it's now sunday night and this is still going on. similar situations have happened before and we've worked through them. but i dont know if these are just 'normal' couple fights or a sign that we shouldnt be together. we're together 3yrs and both in out 20's. i do love him but i wonder if it's a case of 'right guy, wrong time'. i would prefer not to break up as it is the easier option but it could be better for both of us. i'm at a loss and would really appreciate some advice. how do you know when it's time to move on?

bug

Was this always the way, or did it just happen when you moved in together?

Wibbs

Now of course I'm only hearing one side of the story, but from what you write, I think there's certainly a lack of communication for a start. I think that your boyfriends lack of sensitivity is also troubling. Rowing this much has a reason. 3 years may seem like a long time, but it really isn't and I would expect that if you don't sort this out between you now this can only get worse.

You have two choices really. You can try to save the relationship. The way to do this is twofold. You have to communicate this problem to him in a measured, calm way that you're worried about the situation and the rows. You both have to listen to each other without letting things escalate into yet another row.

Secondly you have to examine yourself closely and try to figure out what you may be doing that is unhealthy for you and ultimately unhealthy for any relationship you may have. This last one is the important one IMHO. If you are in a good place with yourself it's far easier to see what you should be looking for in a partner.

When you do that you may find that this relationship may have run it's course. In this case what next? Well, don't be put off by your shared life. It's only things that you share in the end if the relationship is going nowhere at the moment. You could decide that you need a bit of space between you to work out whether this is good for the long term.

I wish you luck.

metrovelvet

numb wrote:

how do you know what are just normal fights or when it gets too much between a couple? basically I row with my boyfriend over little things a lot. sometimes it's just a quick argument but other times it'll last for days. recent situation, on wednesday night we had an argument just after work relating to work. we went home and i went to bed without saying another word to each other. i got up on thursday and decided to make him breakfast as m way of apologising.

That's not really an apology. Its a buy off. It takes a reallly really really really long time to master the art of resolution. It takes patience as well as some willingness to lose face and a lot of good communication skills and unearthing all the nice feelings that get buried under the hostility. You can give up on your relationship but you will find the same problems in the next one. Its also probably why you keep arguing over little things, nothing gets resolved, you make an omlette to keep the game going but you dont get real.

numb wrote:

we didnt speak a lot but weren't ignoring each other either. that night i went to work and when i came home he was gone out. he's been going out the past few thursdays which was a cause of argument between us. i felt left out because he's going out when i have to work and we dont realy go out any other day.

Maybe he needs space from the relationship. Give it to him. He'll come back.

numb wrote:

usually i know beforehand but last thursday he didnt even text. i went to bed pretty mad and he eventually came home at 7am. now i'm not sure about others but i find it hard to sleep when he's gone out. especially since i hate being on my own in the apartment because it got robbed last year.

I went through this too after being robbed while I was in the house upstairs pretending to be asleep. I couldnt sleep properly for years afterward. With every sound I had a mild panic attack. You just need to get through it.

numb wrote:

friday i got up to go into town while he was still asleep. i was feeling terrible all day. angry and sad. when i got home he was up but not there. i went into my room and started crying. i couldnt stop. it was a mixture of anger towards him and sadness relating to my mother who is very sick and could possibly die this year. all in all i wasn't very happy. he came home (was with a friend and my brother getting food), started playing ps2 and after a while came in. i was still very upset at this stage and couldnt stop crying. but i didnt want him near me at that point. so he left and then went to work later. i spent the day on my own pretty much. saturday was the same. i stayed in my room doing nothing and he was in the kitchen, both of us lounging around. i didnt really feel angry at this point but neither of us spoke to each other much. it's now sunday night and this is still going on. similar situations have happened before and we've worked through them. but i dont know if these are just 'normal' couple fights or a sign that we shouldnt be together. we're together 3yrs and both in out 20's. i do love him but i wonder if it's a case of 'right guy, wrong time'. i would prefer not to break up as it is the easier option but it could be better for both of us. i'm at a loss and would really appreciate some advice. how do you know when it's time to move on?

It sounds like your under a lot of stress with your mother being ill. It is unrealistic to expect sufficient support from a man who turns to playstation 2 in times of crisis. See a counsellor, focus on yourself and your mother. Take a break from the relationship.

Wibbs

metrovelvet wrote:

That's not really an apology. Its a buy off. It takes a reallly really really really long time to master the art of resolution. It takes patience as well as some willingness to lose face and a lot of good communication skills and unearthing all the nice feelings that get buried under the hostility. You can give up on your relationship but you will find the same problems in the next one. Its also probably why you keep arguing over little things, nothing gets resolved, you make an omlette to keep the game going but you dont get real.

Well observed.

Maybe he needs space from the relationship. Give it to him. He'll come back.

Very true. Happens all the time. The real deal with this is if you start to get yourself back and learn what you really want from another person. You may find in that case that he isn't for you or by being strong yourself he starts to act in a better manner.

I went through this too after being robbed while I was in the house upstairs pretending to be asleep. I couldnt sleep properly for years afterward. With every sound I had a mild panic attack. You just need to get through it.

Yes you will get through it, though if you're not careful that sense of panic may inform other things in your life until you do get through it.



I

t sounds like your under a lot of stress with your mother being ill. It is unrealistic to expect sufficient support from a man who turns to playstation 2 in times of crisis.

I agree. This is not good behaviour from a man who claims to love you. One of the things most women want from a man is well... to be a man. This means giving your partner support and a feeling of emotional safety wheh things are tough. If he's not capable of that at the moment that something he needs to work on. If you take this lack of concern and reward it by doing the same things over and over, it's not doing either of you any good.

See a counsellor, focus on yourself and your mother. Take a break from the relationship.

And take a break for you. A time for yourself and whatever is going on in your life. A time to reflect on what you want from life and a partner. Someone who loves you will understand this and let you grow. If he doesn't it's a sign that all he thinks of is his own needs.

Kell

Right- I am reading this differently-

numb wrote:

he's been going out the past few thursdays which was a cause of argument between us. i felt left out because he's going out when i have to work and we dont realy go out any other day.

Sorry, but what did you expect him to do? Sit around and wait for you to finish working so you could be all coupley?? I had an ex that hated the fact that I went out so much when she was working, despite being with her 80% of my week. Who has the problem here?

numb wrote:

angry and sad. when i got home he was up but not there. i went into my room and started crying. i couldnt stop.

Sorry- I dont see how you had grounds to be angry at your BF. You were working, so again, did you expect him to sit watching you or enjoy his life?

numb wrote:

i was still very upset at this stage and couldnt stop crying. but i didnt want him near me at that point.

You're irrationally upset, he comes to see what the problem is and you pretty much make it clear that he is not wanted. Clever. Very clever; well done. You want things to get better yet, as far as I can see, you are the one causing the problems even by your own admission of

numb wrote:

basically I row with my boyfriend over little things a lot

My own experience tells me that women pick at little things that men usually dont give a shít about. Please tell me I am wrong in your case, but again, I see you as the maker of your own issues with your BF.

numb wrote:

i dont know if these are just 'normal' couple fights or a sign that we shouldnt be together.

Its a sign that YOU need to decide what the hell it is you want. Personally, you sound needy, picky, insecure and someone who loves feeding off drama. My best mate and his GF are like this. Every weekend, one starts a minor fight with the other and then basks in the make up attention they receive. You sound the same.

Its not a workable long term solution and you need to cop on this if you think you have a chance at ANY relationship let alone this one. You sound like you start little fights to get attention. Because he goes out when you are working, you fight because you missed the attention. I wont say attention whore because thats just mean, but you can see where I am going.

You need to accept that he has his life as you do and you do not need to be the centre of everything 24/7 which, from your post, seems to scream very loudly. OK, issues with your mum are prolly screwing things up and yep you may need more attention because you are stressed and worries, but you need to TELL him this. When you pick on men for leaving the toothpaste lid off, we dont translate this into "her mum is in a bad way. She is picking on me because she wants me to wrap her in cotton wool" we translate this into "you pathetic bítch. Cop the fúck on" and the ball goes rolling in the wrong direction.

So, thing to do is simple. Explain all that is going on with your head at the moment. DONT have a go at him for going out because you are working at home. Try and be civil and next time you are tempted to pick, ask yourself what you are trying to achieve and communicate that instead of picking a stupid fight.

Fights- they really are for stupid kids and not grown ups.

K-

BoozyBabe

Although he may have said it in a slightly harsher way than I would, I have to agree with Kell & say that I picked up on his points exactly as HE did.

The guy left his ps2 playing mates to come in & see if you were alright & you pushed him away.
What did you want him to do?

Try not to attack on Kells harsher comments, & take on board the rest of what he said & then try to work on that.

But, at the end of the day, if your bf is getting you worked up over nothing, all the time, & the only reason you can see for staying together is because it's easier than breaking up, then I think you already have your answer what you should do.

Kell

BoozyBabe wrote:

Although he may have said it in a slightly harsher way

Sheesh. And I was being nice. Must work on the sugar coating technique a bit more.

K-

muppetkiller

I'm with Kell on this one too.
I was in exactly the same situation with my EX a few years ago. She drove me crazy. Crying over everything and nothing. She would start complaining if I wanted to go out with the lads and not stay in with her (even though we'd have a lovely time if I stayed in) ..Men need their space and most women do too.
My advice for you is get some friends ..It sounds like from your posts that you have nobody other than your boyfriend. Which is a very sad and dangerous thing. Men hate women who are clingy and insecure. The more emotional and withdrawn you become the more you push him away.

One thing that my ex did was try to fit me into her life and she wanted me to leave mine behind. I thought her friends were nice but I had my own too. She couldn't accept that.

If it's a one bed apartment then move out. Because unless your very much n love and independent/secure people you'll drive each other nuts.

Getting upset because he's out and your at work is just nonsense ! Get a puppy if you want a pet.

Having said that a text while he's out wouldn't kill him.

LegacyUser

'ok i think people have picked up a few things wrong. perhaps i could have phrased things better. gonna go through a few things to hopefully clear it up.

muppetkiller- i don not cry over everything. i was feeling pretty terrible and came home one day and started crying. as i said before, my mother is very sick. she has alzheimers and let me tell you, unless you have a close relative with this illness you know nothing of it or how hard it is to see someone lose their mind and body, slowing becoming a baby. this was on my mind through the week last week and i felt the need to cry about it on friday. it was also because my boyfriend and i were arguing which i hate. i have plenty of friends and my issue certainly isnt that he goes out with friends while i have none.

kell- i don't expect him to sit and do nothing while i work. if you read the post you would see that my issue was that he chooses to go out the only night i cant go out. if we went out other days together i wouldnt mind. but i would like to go out one night a week together which i dont think is too much to ask. i did not go home on thursday and start crying. it was friday and i was not working. again please read the post. when he came into me i was in a pretty bad state. i could barely speak and this is the reason i did not want hime beside me. i didnt push him away, only asked to be on my own. i dont think anyone likes people to see them crying so hard where it's hard to breathe. i just needed to let it out and sort my head out in relation to my mother. i dont pick at things and start fights for attention. these arguments happen because one of us gets upset, not just me. if i want attention i can think of better ways to get it. and i hardly think fights are for stupid kids. find me a single person who doesnt argue. it's part of our nature and needs to be done sometimes.

metrovelvet- i dont cook omelettes as apologies. i simply wanted to start the day on a good note by showing i cared. i could have made my breakfast and not done anything for him but i chose to make an effort and make him something. what happened to 'actions speak louder than words'. but yes i understand that i need to communicate better with him. and i feel he needs to do the same.

please note that my boyfriend tries to help with my mother but i think it is hard for him as he has no idea what it's like. most of the time i cope and accept her illness and i think that one day where i fall apart he's uneasy and isnt sure what he should do. i dont blame him for this and dont feel he turned to the ps2 while i was upset. its not an issue with us. it is causing a few problems elsewhere because when it weighs on my mind i tend to let it affect other areas of my life. its hard to not let things creep over into other areas but it's something i'm trying to change.

while i view some replies as a bit harsh and unfair, i wont ignore them. maybe its something i need to read again and take points from. its easy to see only your own viewpoint.'

subway

its hard to give context on the internet.
your original post was a bit unclear.

if these "fights" are only recent you have to find the cause and resolve that.
if its 100% cos of your mam then talk to your bf about it.
as was put earlier - in a bit of childush way - most people, men and women, cant put 1 + 1 together and get 3.

if its his behavior, bring it up with him too.
9 times out 10, if a little thing annoys you it builds up and very soon other thin=gs aer annoying you.
you have to talk it out.
i cant guarantee he'll change a single thing for you, but if he wants to he will make an effort, even if its just to explain himself.

all in all, only you know where the problem lies, and if you dont, you have to figure it out.
maybe he is depressed/stressed and isnt talking about it.
that coulkd be causing the tension that make all the disagrrements

Kell

numb wrote:

kell- he chooses to go out the only night i cant go out. if we went out other days together i wouldnt mind.

But I dont see how its proper to blame your BF for going out because you cant. Re the second bit, CAN you go out on other days?

numb wrote:

i didnt push him away, only asked to be on my own.

Theres a contradiction right there. You were visibly upset, he asks whats wrong and you say you want to be on your own. And thats not pushing them away?

numb wrote:

i dont think anyone likes people to see them crying so hard where it's hard to breathe.

Thats you thinking for someone else rather than let them make their own mind up.

numb wrote:

i dont pick at things and start fights for attention.

Are you sure? Most objective thinkers here think you do. You cant be objective.

numb wrote:

if i want attention i can think of better ways to get it.

I dont think so. You have been fairly unsuccessful in getting attention thus far if you feel that you should be spending nights out with your BF, and being upset that he chooses to go out without you.

numb wrote:

and i hardly think fights are for stupid kids.

Fights are for people who cant communicate how the feel properly i.e. a childlike trait or the other person just doesnt see beyond their own nose i.e. another childlike trait. Therefore, fighting is for children. If both people are grown up emotionally, fights dont happen or at least are limited to deal breakers.

K-

LegacyUser

kell -
yes we CAN go out on other days. i dont blame him for going out when i'm working as i've stated before. it's when he chooses to go out one night a week and it happens to be the one night a week i work. ie, i cant go and socialise with him and have fun together. am i not saying this part properly?
again, i didnt push him away. i'm entitled to want to be on my own for a bit when i'm upset. had he come in about 20mins later i would have been happy and talked to him. he came in at a point where i couldnt even talk. and i was saying that i dont like him to see me crying so hard like that, not that he doesnt like to see me crying. it was me making up my own mind for myself. you telling me i cant be objective and without knowing me i'd appreciate you not making judgements on my character. how do you know i've been unsuccessful in getting attention previously? our relationship is not about me getting attention and i would join an acting class if that is what i craved. i dont want his undivided attention and this is irrelevant to the original post. i am not an attention whore as you nearly put it before. if he goes out without me thats fine. if he chooses not to go out with me there's a difference. that is what i'm trying to figure out. fights are a release of tension and is a time when people say whats bothering them. its not all yellling, ignoring etc as you seem to think it is. adults are perfectly able to communicate and still fight. fighting is a part of communication just as communication is a part of fighting. i no longer see your posts as helpful and feel it is bordering on personal attacks. if you do not have anything objective to add i would appreciate if you would not post again. thank you.

metrovelvet

numb wrote:

metrovelvet- i dont cook omelettes as apologies. i simply wanted to start the day on a good note by showing i cared. i could have made my breakfast and not done anything for him but i chose to make an effort and make him something. what happened to 'actions speak louder than words'. but yes i understand that i need to communicate better with him. and i feel he needs to do the same.

Ok. But you said you were trying to apologise in your OP. You were trying to appear to be nice. Not the same thing.

From your first post:

numb wrote:

i got up on thursday and decided to make him breakfast as m way of apologising.

killeoin

numb wrote:

kell -
fights are a release of tension and is a time when people say whats bothering them.

Hi Numb,

I'm afraid all that all I can offer to you is subjective advice. I went through a very similar situation as you are going through with your mother expect with my sister who has since passed away. It is very easy and the most natural thing to do to direct all your anger & upset into something/onto someone else. However this is never going to resolve the upset/hurt. You need to go to the route of the problem and deal with it. Is it really your boyfriend or is it your mother? In my opinion I would suggest that you make an appointment to see a counceller. Hey, what harm can it do right? In my case my girlfriend of 5 years received the blunt of it, I ended up hating her and after dumping her I found myself a new girlfriend. Only guess what? A few months down the line and being madly in love with her I'm beginning to notice the same pattern. It's only now I'm only after realising the issue is with me and not anyone else. Don't make the same mistake.

Kell

numb wrote:

fighting is a part of communication just as communication is a part of fighting. i no longer see your posts as helpful and feel it is bordering on personal attacks.

Sorry. With a mind that comes to the conclusion that fighting is part of communication, it is no wonder you dont appreciate my comments. You're ill conceived idea that fights are a normal thing to do only fuels my notion that you feed on drama.

numb wrote:

you telling me i cant be objective and without knowing me i'd appreciate you not making judgements on my character

I am not making comments on your character, I am making comments about what you have posted. Again, your inability to see the wood for the tree's suggests to me that you cannot be objective.

numb wrote:

if he goes out without me thats fine. if he chooses not to go out with me there's a difference.

Please make up your mind as to what you want to say. If a person goes out without you, they have chosen to make a decision to be somewhere without you. Thats it- no differences.

numb wrote:

i no longer see your posts as helpful and feel it is bordering on personal attacks. if you do not have anything objective to add i would appreciate if you would not post again.

Believe me- if I was attacking you, you would know all about it. I dont do such things.

numb wrote:

it's now sunday night and this is still going on.

That two adults can allow a little fight fester into something that lasts for 4 days is nothing less than childish. The fact that neither of you have gone "listen, our relationship means more than this cráp and I feel we need to get some things into the open" is proof positive that you cant see the wood for the tree's and once again allow me to question your ability to be anything but subjective.

Now I fully expect you to ignore what I am pointing out. People rarely accept their frailties when someone else points them out. My best mate and his GF would do the same. All of their mates can see what they do- but they cant and would deny same. Doesnt mean they are right.

K-

bored and tired

numb, i think it is perfectly normal to be "slightly irrational" when you are under emotional stress. myself and partner have had some whoppers over the last year due to a lot of different things, the thing that we relly on to get past our current problems is the good times we have shared. our last fight resulted in us both having a good cry, mourned our losses, and followed with a really good chat. sometimes a proper fight ie shouting and crying can clear the bottled up emotion we have inside so we can see the wood from the trees and have a proper talk about whats going on.

its not everyones cup of tea, some people ie Kell, seem to shy away from real person to person confrontation, but the key for you to remember is that your bf is there for you, he is suporting you with your mother and you woundnt be living together and dating for 3 years if you didnt get on in the beginning and the middle. what you need to decide is if this is the end.

your bf came to you when you were upset and crying, and i think your only mistake here, was not that you asked to be left alone, we all need alone time, but that you didnt go back later that eveningn or the next day to discuss why you were crying, your poor bf seems to be trying his best, but getting the timing wrong. then when you dont make the next move he is too worried of upseting you again to broach the subject so you both walk around on egg shells. This isnt a real fight, its too people not wanting to upset the other, and in so doing, upsetting each other by not talking,.

have a sit down, remember all the things that drew you together, that bind you together, cry, laugh, hug and talk. have a tickle fight or if you dont like tickling a pillow fight. sometimes it is the child in us that saves the adult from being overwhelmed by our woes.

And try not to go to bed angry again. it maybe an old wives tale, but there marriages lasted a lot longer than many of todays do.

Kell

bored and tired wrote:

some people ie Kell, seem to shy away from real person to person confrontation,

Interesting. Where did you get that from? I have no issue telling someone I have a problem. None at all. I do see fighting as a complete waste of energy however.

The OP used words such as "fighting" and "rows" not "confrontation" and "discussion".

K-

bored and tired

Kell wrote:

Fights- they really are for stupid kids and not grown ups.

K-

Kell wrote:

Fights are for people who cant communicate how the feel properly i.e. a childlike trait or the other person just doesnt see beyond their own nose i.e. another childlike trait. Therefore, fighting is for children. If both people are grown up emotionally, fights dont happen or at least are limited to deal breakers. K-

Kell because people are emotional by nature, we leave our emotions lead the way in a fight, argument, heated discussion, confrontation. whatever you want to call it. But most people actually like to get rid of their emotional bagage in some form of outburst so that they can then sit down and have a discussion to make some progress.
I cannot see how, when you advocate being calm and collected and talking in a "grown up fashion" all the time, that you have been in the situation of having the stress of family, financial work and/or health problems to deal with while trying to sort out a mess in your life.
Saying that fighting is childish and that people dont fight if they are grown up emotionally, sounds like you are very repressed and hide from fights and confrontation rather than face the emotions that can cause them.

thats just my take on it though, what do i know, ive just gone through a car crash, two operations, death, illness and financial problems in the past 12 months and though we fight like cat and dog at times, me and partner have been there for each other and are stronger than ever as a couple. Regardless what the world has thrown us, we've stood beside each other and will continue too, thats what i call being grown up emotionally.

Kell

bored and tired wrote:

I cannot see how, when you advocate being calm and collected and talking in a "grown up fashion" all the time

Why? Do you assume that I say these things devoid of any emotional upset in my life?

Without going into the pit of emotional hell I went through before I re-programmed myself, because I dont actually feel that it brings anything to the table TBH, just be assured, please, that I dont talk through my árse about things I dont know about.

I get annoyed and harsh with people here, not because I dont know what they are talking about but because I know exactly what they are talking about, but also know how to fix it.

I am far from emotionally repressed thanks. Few, and please challenge me on this, people can actually put a finger on what they actually feel and why. You say to most "why are you angry" they say "Jim píssed me off last night because he went out without me". Digging deeper usually reveals they are let down with Jim because Jim didnt meet their needs. But they arent emotionally aware enough to go "you know, I am being a needy twat, so theres no point in arguing because I dont actually have an issue with Jim anymore".

I am happy to say I can put a finger on exactly what is wrong with me whenever something does crop up. Thats far from being emotionally repressed. I dont need to spit the dummy and whinge like a bítch to understand emotional freedom.

You make the mistake of thinking that emotional freedom as being able to express yourself through whatever emotions happen to surface at the time. Thats being chained to an emotion and acting on it whether its destructive or not. That isnt intelligent. Thats not emotional intelligence. Choosing whether to act on the emotion or not is emotional intelligence.

I advocate choice in all things. You maintain "I feel a certain way and I act on it" is healthy. I maintain "I feel a specific emotion because of x, y & z, but you know, I dont actually have to act on it" as being the healthier option.

If you feel like you need a vent, go for a walk and raise your seratonin levels.

K-

bored and tired

Kell wrote:

I advocate choice in all things. You maintain "I feel a certain way and I act on it" is healthy. I maintain "I feel a specific emotion because of x, y & z, but you know, I dont actually have to act on it" as being the healthier option.

K-

i guess that where we will differ, i beleive that if you bottle up emotions that they fester,
i beleive it to be far healthier to have a rant and a rave, as in ops case she had a cry in the priviousy of her own bedroom, this isnt being tied to the emotion and acting on it straight away, as she was upset all day by all accounts. We are not animals that go about with the sole purpose of self preservation, we are people with emotionally baggage. those emotions need an outlet and it neednt always be what you described.

Kell wrote:

I dont need to spit the dummy and whinge like a bítch to understand emotional freedom.K-

i also find it quite useful to write a letter, it helps to write what i feel so that its out there in the open, a problem shared is a problem halved.

Kell wrote:

i get annoyed and harsh with people here, not because I dont know what they are talking about but because I know exactly what they are talking about, but also know how to fix it. K-

i find this point slightly odd as the op felt that you were attacking her and asked you to not post here, when people are emotionall it is better to leave things be for the moment than to reply and stir some more and upset people furter. it doesnt really help.

sorry, but i have to go and cook dinner now so chat later kell

Dagon

I'm quite interested in what Kell has brought up about emotional intelligence. This (or lack of it) could be at the root of most arguments I have witnessed, and indeed a lot of conflict taking place in the world today. Emotional intelligence is pretty important, so certainly Kell, this is a valid consideration.

My question is; can a person with low emotional intelligence raise it? Is it possible, e.g. through more human interaction, and learning from that interaction?

A lot of emotional intelligence issues seem to stem from lack of personal and worldly awareness.

LegacyUser

bored and tired thanks for the advice. we are now talking again but there are still a few issues in the air. i have wrote a letter to him as i feel it's the best way to say what i want without getting side-tracked. its very open and i know the outcome could be what i fear but i realise it's what i need. i've told him i dont expect an answer to this straight away as it is something that might take a few weeks to find an answer. i'm hoping he'll be able to find out his issues in the relationship and let me know. i think thats the only way to get through this. i'm praying we'll work through them and begin again as he really means a lot to me and i love him. but if it doesnt work out i'll now i tried and we can take something from the past few years.
kell - a quote from you: I get annoyed and harsh with people here, not because I dont know what they are talking about but because I know exactly what they are talking about, but also know how to fix it.
i dont feel you know exactly what people are talking about. you may have been in similar situations but people feel and act different when faced with the same problem. i came on here asking for advice. i did not expect a solution as only my boyfriend and I can resolve things. you do not know how to fix it. you may know how to fix your own problems but please leave the higher-than-thou attitude at the door. offer advice but dont expect your answer to fix anything. some people (me included) will not agree with your advice and it will not fix anything. i think you have some major issues from reading your posts and I feel you have a lot of 'fixing' to do. I hope you get through whatever it is and you realise you are not invincible.

Kell

bored and tired wrote:

i guess that where we will differ, i beleive that if you bottle up emotions that they fester,

This is where you still actually fail to see my point. Addressing your emotions and seeing them as they are and not just acting on them, is not bottling them up.

Lets use an extreme version of your example to prove a point here. Would you advocate that if my first reaction to someone was anger and I smashed them in the face, that I was healthy and emotionally balanced? See??

All I do is take the negative emtions that I dont want to feel and remove them.

numb wrote:

but please leave the higher-than-thou attitude at the door. i think you have some major issues from reading your posts and I feel you have a lot of 'fixing' to do. I hope you get through whatever it is and you realise you are not invincible.

Oh christ will you listen to yourself. Thru all of your posts, you have apportioned blame directly at your BF. You havent accepted, or at least havent seemed, to accepted any responsibility for your role in YOUR mess. What you, for some obscure reason, dont understand, is that YOU are totally in control of you own situation. How long do you think you can wander around pointing the finger at someone else going "Oh he is so insensitive, oh he went out when I couldnt" etc etc boo hoo before you cop on to this?

K-

bored and tired

Kell wrote:

Lets use an extreme version of your example to prove a point here. Would you advocate that if my first reaction to someone was anger and I smashed them in the face, that I was healthy and emotionally balanced? See??

All I do is take the negative emtions that I dont want to feel and remove them.


K-

Kell See below quote, re holding on to emotions and leaving them out in helathy way as posted previously. Smashing someones face in is just plain idiotic and as you said low emotional intelligence. but going home/toilet/ around corner whatever and saying, fe*k that was some fing prig i encountered today and bla bla bla is healthier than "removing them" how do you remove emotions without really dealing with them and leaving your own emotions out.

bored and tired wrote:

i beleive it to be far healthier to have a rant and a rave, as in ops case she had a cry in the priviousy of her own bedroom, this isnt being tied to the emotion and acting on it straight away, as she was upset all day by all accounts.

i also find it quite useful to write a letter, it helps to write what i feel so that its out there in the open, a problem shared is a problem halved.


b-

See not punching someones light out but advocating that op had the right to have a cry in her own bedroom away from spotlight.

numb, Glad to hear you have opened up lines of communication with bf,
next suggestion, go out together and have a meal, see a comedy, laughter is the best medicine, have some together.
And really try the tickle fight, it is so much fun and if you cant have fun together you dont have much to work with. Leave me know how you get on.

Gordon

Kell & bored and tired - get a room, or better still - get a chatroom.

numb - everyone has the right to post advice here as long as it is constructive. You may not agree with the advice but every story has three sides to it - just like a coin; and your side of the story is simply one of them. I would appreciate if you didn't dictate who should or should not post on this thread.

Also numb; please use paragraphs, and use capital letters when starting sentences. Your posts are difficult to read, what you are saying is difficult to understand. Or maybe that's just because I'm a guy. Not using paragraphs and capital letters on the internet is like speed speaking an essay over a telephone to a mate.

Thanks.