Boy problem

discobunny

Sad face for me.

My boyfriend is promiscuous, where as I believe in monogamy – it’s a value I hold dear with regard to relationship. He’s done it over and over and at times lied to me about it as well. Everytime he apologised and try to make a commitment to be monogamous, soon enough he’s at it again.

We love each dearly, I know it’s cliché, but we do. And that’s the thing that has been holding us together this long. But I don’t think I can take it anymore. He said that he will always be promiscuous, it’s in his nature to be so. But as for now, he wants to TRY to be monogamous with my help, with no guarantee whatsoever that he’ll succeed.

My feelings for him make it harder for me to leave him. My conscience tells me it’s the right thing to do. I try to keep my emotions out of this and find a practical and rational solution. Leaving him is the best I can come up with.

Folks, I need suggestions, advices, recommendations, criticisms etc anything that you can throw at me. I know this post shed but a little light into the problem, but it’s all I can think of to write at the moment. But I will shed more information if you folks think it might help me solve the problem.

SuperSean11

tell me more Do you feel hes interested in others(Sexualy)at the moment

LegacyUser

I have worked with guys similar to you BF who have been going out with girls for years and years and consistently sleep around.

These people continued to be unfaithful after they married these girls and I believe are still cheating to this day despite having children.... He wont change with you or for you. You know its not what you want.... Why are you more scared of being alone than with someone who would appear to have no respect for you (totally aside of the health & pregnancy issues)?

I do believe that couples will be faithful when they are perfect for each other. While your BF loves you he doesnt seem to love you enough to keep himself for you - its up to you to accept that as your lot or not....

If you were my sister I would ask you to leave him.

scoey

discobunny wrote:

Folks, I need suggestions, advices, recommendations, criticisms etc anything that you can throw at me. I know this post shed but a little light into the problem, but it’s all I can think of to write at the moment. But I will shed more information if you folks think it might help me solve the problem.

Seems to me like there are only a few possible solutions. Either he becomes monogamous or you become content with the way things are. He's apparently expressed little interest in changing, and I somehow doubt you're going to become ok with his actions, nor do I think you should. Therefore, I strongly suggest you leave him and find someone more suitable/faithful. Sorry if that's not what you want to hear.

~nop~

How long you guys together?

I know it's hard, but if it was me in your position I would just cut my losses and run. It's obviously not an equal relationship, with him cheating on you and you remaining faithful to him, and it doesn't sound like it's going to change. It's no excuse for him to say it's in his nature, because everyone makes sacrafices if they are with someone else, and one of those is being faithful, unless you have an agreement another way.

cee_jay

I'm sorry if this is a bit harsh, but if your boyfriend really does love you, he wouldn't be messing around with other girls. Basically, he is having his cake and eating it too.
I think you know the answer - you should leave him - as it doesn't sound like he is gonna change - if he really did love you, he would stop cheating on you.

Nordie

scoey wrote:

Seems to me like there are only a few possible solutions. Either he becomes monogamous or you become content with the way things are. He's apparently expressed little interest in changing, and I somehow doubt you're going to become ok with his actions, nor do I think you should. Therefore, I strongly suggest you leave him and find someone more suitable/faithful. Sorry if that's not what you want to hear.

Have to agree here, doubt if he "loved" you he would treat you like this.

Can't change the spots, etc., etc.

discobunny

Oh yeah he's interested in loads of blokes sexually, but not emotionally. At times he's constantly on the look for blokes. Not just on a night out, on the web, literally everywhere. To be fair I admire other blokes as well, but it ends there, I appreciate their good-looks and personality but the one I remain loyal to is him. I get tempted at times but I don't act on it.

Cheers scoey, most of my mates gave the same sort of reaction. I'm getting really discontent about our current situation. Ergo this thread.

We've been together about 9 months now, but met 11 months ago. Hence the 2 months period of getting to know each other. But to me time is immaterial, it's what we've done with the time that matters, and we've had a absolutely great time! Yeah he's trying to be change to be monogamous, but he's only trying, not changing for sure. What he meant by that is there is no guarantee he'll change.

He said that he loves me, he's shown it in many ways, bar being monogamous. I suppose he doesn't really love me as much as I do him.

It's easy to say I'll leave him, but in fact harder to act on it. Sometimes I question the fact that maybe I'm not confident enough, that I have low self-esteem. But I don't think that's teh problem. When a relationship ends, you can't help yourself looking abck and that's what makes most people upset, and sometimes cave in.

FX Meister

Either put up with it or leave. While you stay with him you lose opportunities to meet real man that will treat you better

Nordie

Staying with someone who treats you like that wouldn't do anything for your confident or self-esteem. Let go now otherwise if he carries on like this you will eventually hit rock bottom. Don't look back, look forward.;)

discobunny

Thanks everyone for the input, I know what to do now. Cheers

Nordie

Good luck Discobunny;)

randylonghorn

discobunny wrote:

He said that he loves me, he's shown it in many ways, bar being monogamous. I suppose he doesn't really love me as much as I do him.

He may love you, but obviously not enough to keep his sticky fingers to himself in the sweet shop.

If you were all right with that, fair enough, I suppose ... but you obviously aren't, and what's more he knows it.

I suspect you know what you need to do, you just needed to have it affirmed.

Carrigart Exile

My boyfriend is promiscuous, where as I believe in monogamy – it’s a value I hold dear with regard to relationship. He’s done it over and over and at times lied to me about it as well. Everytime he apologised and try to make a commitment to be monogamous, soon enough he’s at it again.

We love each dearly, I know it’s cliché, but we do. And that’s the thing that has been holding us together this long. But I don’t think I can take it anymore. He said that he will always be promiscuous, it’s in his nature to be so. But as for now, he wants to TRY to be monogamous with my help, with no guarantee whatsoever that he’ll succeed.

Forgive me if I am misreading this, but your boyfriend looks like he wants his cake and he wants to eat it as well. Keep your dignity OP and tell him to sling his hook

Kell

discobunny wrote:

It's easy to say I'll leave him, but in fact harder to act on it.

No. No its not. Things are as complicated as you choose them to be.

discobunny wrote:

that I have low self-esteem. But I don't think that's teh problem.

Someone who constantly pokes themself in the eye with a fork is either a) stupid or b) has a poor self image that they would allow themselves to be hurt. I wont presume you to be stupid*.

Personally I would not be able to stay in a relationship where someone constantly píssed all over my values. Did it once too often in the past and you never, EVER get what you want.

K-

*Yet

Beetlebum

Kell wrote:

No. No its not. Things are as complicated as you choose them to be.

To be fair Kell, walking away from someone you love is an extremely hard thing to do regardless of how badly they treated you. Breaking up is tough and it's an emotional experience. More often than not, it is complicated. It's hard to simplify sadness, loss & love.


Someone who constantly pokes themself in the eye with a fork is either a) stupid or b) has a poor self image that they would allow themselves to be hurt. I wont presume you to be stupid*.

I know some really intelligent people who go out with complete f*ckers. It's not about being smart, it's about your heart ruling your head. Love is a ****

Personally I would not be able to stay in a relationship where someone constantly píssed all over my values. Did it once too often in the past and you never, EVER get what you want.

K-

*Yet

*

andyred

Ask him to close the door on the way out will you!!!

If I was going out with a girl and she even kissed another guy (never mind sleeping around) she would be out of my life in an istant. I can never understand how people stay with cheating partners....mind boggling stufff!

You said it yourself.....

"Leaving him is the best I can come up with."

......so do it.

Petey2006

discobunny wrote:

We love each dearly, I know it’s cliché, but we do. And that’s the thing that has been holding us together this long. But I don’t think I can take it anymore. He said that he will always be promiscuous, it’s in his nature to be so. But as for now, he wants to TRY to be monogamous with my help, with no guarantee whatsoever that he’ll succeed.

That's a rotten situation to be in, but if your boyfriend really loved you, he'd stop. And saying it's in his nature is no excuse what so ever. It's not hard to not cheat on someone. You just don't do it. Give him an ultimatum. If he does it again, it's over. And stick to it. This clearly is hurting you, and nobody deserves to be hurt like that.

discobunny

I did it last night. I was much calmer and and we understood each other. The break-up was amicable.

I have a strange feeling this is the hardest part.

Kell

discobunny wrote:

I have a strange feeling this is the hardest part.

The actual break up is. What you have to convince yourself of is "in one swift move, my life has suddenly become less complicated and painful. The only way is up".

You dont need me to tell you to break all contact, delete telephone numbers and to make sure you get some "me space" for a good while. It takes a while to recover from being hurt and disappointed on a frequent basis.

Best wishes.

K-

discobunny

Somehow someway, kell, I don't see the virtue of deleting phone numbers. I suppose I will eventually appreciate doing it when I'm most vulnerable to the memories.

I'm definitely getting "me time and space" at the moment, as I think it helps the healing process. Yet I acknowledge it is also "make or break" period. Staying strong.

It doesn't stop him contacting me, does it? How do I manoeuvre myself around that?

ELLIEJ

discobunny wrote:

I did it last night. I was much calmer and and we understood each other. The break-up was amicable.

I have a strange feeling this is the hardest part.

Well I take my hat off to you for putting your money where your mouth is and acting on your decision. If your gut is telling you its the right thing then it is - will save you years of heartbreak.

Good luck

discobunny

It's a self-preservation thing, ELLIEJ, what I'm doing. I'm sure we're all capable of that when it comes to getting what we want. Cheers anwyay

spinandscribble

fair play discobunny. its a rare thing boarders come back to say what they did. sometimes i wonder if they're still stuck in limbo somewhere. deleteing numbers may sound extreme but it might be a idea to take it down put it somewhere out of the way and then delete it from your phone. at least that way you'll have it when you need it but no emotional drunken mistakes

discobunny

That is a better idea, spinandscribble, with regards to phone numbers. I don't drink myself to complete stupor but at least I'll cover my bases.

I thought fellow boarders would appreciate knowing what I've decided to do to end my dilemma. It's my way of saying thanks.

spinandscribble

trust me it mightnt be even a drunken mishap it could be anything. i remember a ex once did this nasty thing to me about a month after we split/went on a break whatever and i really wanted to ring to give out but instead i just deleted the number as fast as i could.
not saying he'll do anything mean or give you a reason to get in contact but its like you said cover your bases.

discobunny

I feel happy and liberated, bordering on euphoria. It feels refreshing.

spinandscribble

bet you didnt expect that best of luck

discobunny

Oh dear, bit of a bummer.

We've made quite a few plans together this summer. It wouldn't be too spiteful to say that I don't want to see them through together, would it?

davyjose

Don't go discobunny - you certainly don't owe him anything. Imagine the pain of watching him "be himself" too. Enjoy your summer on your terms!

Good luck

Carrigart Exile

discobunny wrote:

I did it last night. I was much calmer and and we understood each other. The break-up was amicable.

I have a strange feeling this is the hardest part.

Well done, he would have just constantly hurt you

randylonghorn

Good for you, OP!

And make sure to make some alternative plans to do some enjoyable things for yourself over the summer ... have a holiday, whatever.

Don't sit at home thinking "we would have been in _____ now" ... it will just do your head in.

DawnMc

If he loved you, he wouldn't do it. Simple as.
Lose him and you'll see the light soon enough.
It's hard to see what everyone else sees when you're in the situation

Kell

discobunny wrote:

It doesn't stop him contacting me, does it? How do I manoeuvre myself around that?

Dont answer the phone and dont reply to texts. Thats how.

K-

tbh

Kell wrote:

Dont answer the phone and dont reply to texts. Thats how.

K-

don't even READ the texts, just delete them.

discobunny

A good mate has offered to take my now ex-bf's place in our traveling plan this summer. I have broached the idea to my ex but has yet to receive any sort of reply.

Hope this works out.

Nordie

Great to hear you dumped the ex and make progress is going forward. Don't contact the ex and just do your own thing. It might be tough for a while but I think it will actually be easier than you think, you are heading in the right direction, keep going forward and you will get thru this.

Good luck and remember the board is here if you need any advice and support.

DawnMc

Well done discobunny, it must have taken a lot of courage

Floppybits

Fairplay to you discobunny on your decision, I know it couldn't have been easy but at least its the right decision for you.

As for you summer plans if your ex gives you hassle saying he still wants to go then you will have to be strong and say fine, then find someone else to go with you and then you make arrangements to go on holiday with your friends?

Believe you dont want to go on a holiday with an ex as you wont enjoy it, I've been there and it wasn't pleasant.

Good luck with your new found freedom.

LegacyUser

I think you made the best decision leaving him.
So well done on your difficult decision,
I never left my boyfriend despite the fact he had wandering eyes
and hands. The writing is on the walls & all your friends are telling
you the same.
He does not respect you & knows that no matter what he
does or who he sleeps with, you will still take him back.
Why would he change or have changed.
But , hey, love is blind as they say.!

Going on holiday with him will be a huge mistake.
It will inevitably lead to some form of confrontation, or "take me back"
or he could even throw it back in your face by openly trying to womenise
in your presence, just to upset you. (Although you may think it wont, it will!!)
Cut him out of your life and move on. Either he stays at home or you should."!
(My holiday was ruined!!)), (wont go into details)))

Went through the same thing, except stupid me married the man.
I finally threw in the towel a year ago and booted him out. He will never change,so never look back, and that someone-else special will come along. You never know it may even happen on hol's......


(Sorry , unregistered, but read your message & felt compelled to answer,)
(Dont make the same mistake I did, ERASE him from your life
there is decent men out there! )

discobunny

My best mate has decided to come with me on my summer travel plans, as ex has consented for me to change his name on his tickets to that of my best mate. I'm so relieved!

discobunny

Plan to change my ex's name on the ticket fell through, as me and my best mate got into a misunderstanding. You see apart from being my best mate, he's my very first love as well. We've always known he stil have feelings for me, and took this opportunity to persuade me into a relationship with him. It's not more so that he asked, but also the way he asked. I felt like a cornered beast nursing an ugly wound, ready to risk all to save myself. I told him I am just not ready, not ready to jump into the frying pan after fresh out of the oven.

So back to square one, me and my ex might have the same travel plans this summer, but we're just not traveling together. As it turns out, I found out last night and this morning that he fancies someone else.

Kell

discobunny wrote:

I felt like a cornered beast nursing an ugly wound, ready to risk all to save myself. I told him I am just not ready, not ready to jump into the frying pan after fresh out of the oven.

Me rubs discobunny's shoulders "there, there dear. You done right".

discobunny wrote:

As it turns out, I found out last night and this morning that he fancies someone else.

Expected or kick in the knackers?

K-