Dating

Poco Loco

Hi,
A small question I hope! What is the Islamic view on 'dating' - specifically a Muslim girl spending time alone with a Muslim man, going out in public together alone, holding hands, possibly kissing....and ending up spending the night with him?
Sorry for the vagueness, I'm not a Muslim myself but I am aware that this is considered a sin, I would like to find out how 'serious' a sin it is considered to be. Thanks in advance for your help.

InFront

Hi poco. You are correct that the things you mention are sinful behaviour, and all sin is to be avoided with effort, concentration and prayer.
Although holding hands may be less serious than sleeping together, it should nonetheless be avoided.

Intimate romantic relationships are forbidden before marriage. The absence of a physical relationship ideally preserves stability, the good intentions, honour and respect of both individuals - and most importantly - honours God's teachings and upholds the Islamic moral code.

That is the theory. The practicality is somewhat more difficult. It is normal to find oneself in uncomfortable situations where difficulties arise in terms of personal relationships; be it anything from shaking hands with a girl to feelings of emotional affection and everything that goes along with that... I guess the best thing to do is be careful with personal relationships, and always seek strength in your faith, and if it is God's will you will succeed (inshAllah).

I accept that some people just do not agree with this view of dating, but for many people it does work, very well:)

the_new_mr

Hello Poco Loco. You're very welcome to the Islam forum. Hope you have read the charter.

Just wanted to add something to InFront's already excellent post.

It's perfectly natural to have feelings and wants and that's fine but the sin starts when you act in a manner that's not okay. Some people feel sinful just because they want to have a relationship but that's not how it is. It's only a sin if you do it. Obviously, you should try your best not to think about it too much because something that is thought about a lot has a greater chance of being carried out.

Islam sets out an excellent system for people wanting to get married and I've seen it work extremely well time after time after time. It make sure that peoples' reputation stays in tact, defends the honour of both people involved, saves people from unnecessary emotional pain and complicated life situations and many other things.

Abstaining from pre-marital relations isn't easy but it's worth it.

Poco Loco

Hello and thank you for your responses. I am new to this and still very much on a learning curve! You mention there is a process which ideally should be followed. May I ask what is the correct/prescribed way to meet someone of the opposite sex, get to know them and develop a relationship with them according to Islam?
Thanks again.

joesoap1976

Hi there may i ask are you looking to date a muslim girl or are you dating one?

Poco Loco

Hello,
No I'm neither. I have a friend who is a Muslim girl who has begun dating a man and I always understood it was strictly forbidden but now I am confused about it! She appears to abide by some rules and ignore others as she chooses and I'm not sure if I should be concerned or not.

wes

Poco Loco wrote:

Hello,
No I'm neither. I have a friend who is a Muslim girl who has begun dating a man and I always understood it was strictly forbidden but now I am confused about it! She appears to abide by some rules and ignore others as she chooses and I'm not sure if I should be concerned or not.

You will find a lot of people do that with Religion in general. To each there own I say.

Also you friend may be a Non-practicing Muslim. She may observe some rules out of cultural habit even.

the_new_mr

Yeah, sadly a few people tend to pick and choose when it comes to religion which isn't okay of course. May God guide us all to what is right and give us the strength to avoid what is wrong. Ameen.

Not sure if you should really be concerned or not as it's her decision at the end of the day.

Anyway, to answer your question about how the process might go in order to meet someone of the opposite sex, get to know them etc. There are a number of ways it could happen.

The first and most common way that it tends to happen in Muslim countries is through meeting someone at college or at work. Two people may interact in a strictly professional manner and find that they might have a lot in common in terms of the way they think and stuff like that. Then, one of them (usually the man but not always. Khadija proposed to the Prophet Mohamed (peace be upon him)) would go round to the other's house and ask for the other's hand in marriage. This step wouldn't usually be taken unless there is some sort of agreement between the two involved first primarily to avoid embarrassment or some other awkwardness.

Then, once they are engaged, they can have the chance to really get to know each other and decide if they should get married. There are a few rules to this like they shouldn't be completely alone but this is usually solved by having one visiting the other while the family is in the house (but without closing the bedroom door ) or going out to the cinema, a restaurant or some other place with the girl's brother/sister/mother/father coming along.

Another way that someone might meet someone through marriage is through personal contacts. Like a guy puts out the word that he's looking to get married and his family/friends play matchmaker much the same way that happens in the West. Then, the two can meet and see if they'd like to take it further (i.e. another meeting or two or possibly straight to engagement).

It may seem strange to people who are not used to this way of doing things but it does work very very well and I've seen a number of very successful marriages through these methods. The main difference is the lack of physical contact up until the marriage itself and not being completely alone together.

wes

Also Indian and Pakistani Muslims still do arranged marriages as well as the chaperoned system.

the_new_mr

Yeah that's true but, as far as I know, arranged marriages are somewhat un-Islamic since the whole thing (the marriage day) is sometimes set up before the two even get the chance to meet which can be quite unfair on them both.

wes

the_new_mr wrote:

Yeah that's true but, as far as I know, arranged marriages are somewhat un-Islamic since the whole thing (the marriage day) is sometimes set up before the two even get the chance to meet which can be quite unfair on them both.

Yes, in agreement here. Its a cultural tradition more than anything else. Both Hindu's and Sikhs practice it as well.

joesoap1976

i had a muslim girlfriend and she too choose a pick n mix approach to her religion. I have to say it didnt bother me too much. I respected her religious beliefs. I loved her. In fact i found that i quite enjoyed being around the culture too. Respect her beliefs and her culture and everything will be fine. You might even learn something positive yourself from the relationship. I did. Islam seems to teach you a really good way to live life.

the_new_mr

I suppose, when you think about it, we all pick and choose a little. We're not angels after all.

But I think the main difference is that some people don't do certain things (or do certain things) and they know it's wrong while some people think they can make their mind up about what's okay in religion (like people who say it's okay to drink alcohol as long as you don't get drunk for example). I think the former is the struggle everyone makes and is valid while the latter isn't okay.

May God guide us all. Ameen.

Bottle_of_Smoke

the_new_mr wrote:

The first and most common way that it tends to happen in Muslim countries is through meeting someone at college or at work. Two people may interact in a strictly professional manner and find that they might have a lot in common in terms of the way they think and stuff like that. Then, one of them (usually the man but not always. Khadija proposed to the Prophet Mohamed (peace be upon him)) would go round to the other's house and ask for the other's hand in marriage. This step wouldn't usually be taken unless there is some sort of agreement between the two involved first primarily to avoid embarrassment or some other awkwardness.

Then, once they are engaged, they can have the chance to really get to know each other and decide if they should get married. There are a few rules to this like they shouldn't be completely alone but this is usually solved by having one visiting the other while the family is in the house (but without closing the bedroom door ) or going out to the cinema, a restaurant or some other place with the girl's brother/sister/mother/father coming along.

Another way that someone might meet someone through marriage is through personal contacts. Like a guy puts out the word that he's looking to get married and his family/friends play matchmaker much the same way that happens in the West. Then, the two can meet and see if they'd like to take it further (i.e. another meeting or two or possibly straight to engagement).

It may seem strange to people who are not used to this way of doing things but it does work very very well and I've seen a number of very successful marriages through these methods. The main difference is the lack of physical contact up until the marriage itself and not being completely alone together.

Actually seems like a pretty great way to do it. The only big disadvantage I can see is not having personal time around the girl where she could speak freely without being worried about what a family member would think/ though probably not too much of an issue if it's a sibling.

Would meeting on dating websites be acceptable?

wes

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote:

Would meeting on dating websites be acceptable?

I have seen ad's for this web site on Z TV, it caters to Asians specifically (which include Muslims, Hindu, Sikhs etc), and it involves the families as well.

http://www.shaadi.com/ is the web site. i keep joking with my sister I will put her on it one day .

the_new_mr

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote:

Actually seems like a pretty great way to do it. The only big disadvantage I can see is not having personal time around the girl where she could speak freely without being worried about what a family member would think/ though probably not too much of an issue if it's a sibling.

I think it's okay if they sit alone but don't have the door closed. Honestly, I'm not 100% sure what's okay and what isn't but I think as long as the conversation doesn't cross the bounds of decency then it's okay. God knows best.