How can I help my sister?

Cateym

I will keep this as short as possible. Last summer my sister started going out with a guy (both in mid 20's). Everything seemed to be going wonderfully until the end of the summer. He was going back to uni to start a second degree and moving to Dublin (we're in south west). He ended the relationship saying it would be too difficult to maintain a distance relationship (despite the fact this had been the situation all summer, they were working 90 miles apart and met at weekends.

She was devastated and still is almost 10 months on. She has not moved on at all. He severed all contact with her and she is really hurting. He was in our city at the weekend at a sporting event and didn't even contact her so all the old pain is being re-lived.

She is clever, pretty and has no end of guys chasing her but she seems to be holding out for him. She admitted she feels her life is on hold. Things are getting complicated as she is changing jobs and moving to Dublin (no choice with her career). I'm worried the whole thing is going to spiral now she's in the same city.

How can I help her before she wastes the best years of her life on him?

free2fly

All you can do is be there for her. She has to work through this herself. You can, however, sit her down and tell her that you are worried about her.

Kell

Cateym wrote:

How can I help her before she wastes the best years of her life on him?

Give her my number <Kidding>

What is she lacking that she needs him to fulfil? Usually its not just an open and shut case of a broken heart when she has been pining this long afterward. I have gone out with people for years, wobbled afterward then got myself back on track as have most of us.

If she is still pining at this stage after a very short relationship, then maybe there is more afoot. Is there enough going on in her life that isnt filling the gap that the BF left behind?

Do a bit of gentle digging if she is open to it to see if there is anything else that makes her needing THIS guy in her life. Is she normally independant, or does she usually need another half to make her a whole?

K-

Cancer-chick

I think all you can do is sit her down and voice your concerns to her .. Tell her you care for her and hate to see her throwing nearly a year away on a guy who has made it plain he can switch his emotions off as easy as he can on ..

She has become withdrawn that much is obvious and sometimes you need other people to remind you of why life is for living .. She needs to try to do things that at the very least will distract her from the pain until she wakes up one day and realises it doesnt feel that bad ( No telling how long this will take unfortunately)

biko

Cateym wrote:

She has not moved on at all. He severed all contact with her and she is really hurting. He was in our city at the weekend at a sporting event and didn't even contact her so all the old pain is being re-lived.

I'm only guessing here but that's prob the reason he did not contact her. He wants to move on and did sever the contact. Calling on her would prob have brought back all the memories.

She is not wasting her life on him, they haven't seen each other for 10 months.

Is this the first time she has been rejected? Reason I'm saying this is because he could have been her first real love and then the pain of rejection, it doesn't go away easy.

Cateym

biko wrote:

I'm only guessing here but that's prob the reason he did not contact her. He wants to move on and did sever the contact. Calling on her would prob have brought back all the memories.

She is not wasting her life on him, they haven't seen each other for 10 months.

Is this the first time she has been rejected? Reason I'm saying this is because he could have been her first real love and then the pain of rejection, it doesn't go away easy.

She has being let down before by a previous boyfriend who just wasn't as interested in putting effort into the relationship as she was. She was pretty hurt after, at least I thought she was but compared to this it was nothing. She has had a couple of relationships and other break ups but never reacted like this before.

Yes she hasn't seen him but many nights out and regular days have ended in tears (not drink induced by the way!) coz she is so hurt. She even says her life is on hold.

Saying that she leads a very full life. Plenty of socialising and is heavily involved in a team sport so I don't think he filled a void to address someone else's question. I just think he may have had that intangible quality that made her fall head over heels.

Oryx

Maybe she cant let him go because of how it ended? If it was sudden or for reasons she didnt understand, or if she got no reason, it can be hard to forget it because she simply doesnt know why.

If she were to meet him again, how do you think she would react? Do you think theres a chance that she would be able to talk normally to him, and ask for the answers she needs to move on? Or would it make the pain worse for her, do you think?

I just wonder if she saw him again could it help, by allowing her to get closure, and maybe to show her he is not the perfect man she has in her head.

monkey pleasure

This thread is useless without pics.

SarahSassy

Your sister needs to get through this in her own time. I do agree that you could sit her down and talk to her and try to explain gently that she will not be getting back with him and maybe its time she considered meeting other guys. In saying that, maybe she is happy being single for a while. Was she in the 2 relationships one after another?

Talk to her and give her time...

Cateym

SarahSassy wrote:

Your sister needs to get through this in her own time. I do agree that you could sit her down and talk to her and try to explain gently that she will not be getting back with him and maybe its time she considered meeting other guys. In saying that, maybe she is happy being single for a while. Was she in the 2 relationships one after another?

Talk to her and give her time...

Being single for a while is definitely the best for her now but not under the cloud she is at the moment. She had 3 relationships before that guy lasting over a year each, one lasting almost 4! They were all pretty much close together. She was never single for longer than a few months before meeting the next boyf.

In comparison to those relationships this guy lasted 5 seconds but seems to have left a very deep scar. She is very choosy with her men and knew all her exes pretty well before becoming their girlfriend.

SarahSassy

Maybe he was a rebound and because it didnt seem to follow the usual patterns of her other relationships (ie lasting for ages) she is hanging on to what went wrong and to him as 'the one who got away', while in reality it may never have worked.

I was in the same position as her for a while and she is just getting on her feet and i guess after years of monagomous relationships she is finding her feet as a singleton... Its not easy at all but she will snap out of it. Someday she will meet a guy who puts a smile on her face. In the meantime, it will be hard on her to move to a new city and a new job so dont push her too hard on the other issue.

Talliesin

Cateym wrote:

He was in our city at the weekend at a sporting event and didn't even contact her so all the old pain is being re-lived.

Curious as to why you would think this was unusual (what do you mean "didn't even contact her" - why on earth should he?) or why this should cause pain to be relived more than if he actually did make contact?

I'm wondering what way you reflect her situation back to her when you talk about it with her.

Cateym

Talliesin wrote:

Curious as to why you would think this was unusual (what do you mean "didn't even contact her" - why on earth should he?) or why this should cause pain to be relived more than if he actually did make contact?

I'm wondering what way you reflect her situation back to her when you talk about it with her.

I'm more or less quoting what she said to me. She was disappointed he didn't contact her. TBH I didn't expect him too. He had quite obviously cut all ties when they split. He's prob right to do that. However sometimes it can help after a break to have a small amount of contact. Cut and dried is very painful.

The fact he didn't contact her bought it home to her how much he really doesn't care for her anymore and it hurt her.

I prob should point out that he told her if she ever found herself living in Dublin to get in touch with him. That's not really closure which I think is the crux of the problem. She never got it from him.

Victor

monkey pleasure wrote:

This thread is useless without pics.

Behave.

Skiesonfire19

If your sister wants to be like tha it's her problem.

She wont move on until she can, neither you or anyone can make her mind up for her.

admiralofthefleet

dublin is a big city so the chances of them bumping into each other is probably slim, but aside from that talk nicely to her and tell her she needs to move on, one bloke may [have ruined it for her] but she should put it down to experience and move on slowly and meet up with new people, being in her 20's her lfe is only beginning

Saintly

Buy her a copy of "He's just not that into you". Seriously, it has cured every lovesick girl I have ever met!!

I absolutely hate self help books with a passion, this however, was written by a Sex and the City male writer and it is an absolute classic. It won't do any harm, that's for sure...

Saintly

Cateym

I think I will buy her that book! Have heard great things about it as well. Hopefully she will read it though.

Kell

Cateym wrote:

She had 3 relationships before that guy lasting over a year each, one lasting almost 4! They were all pretty much close together. She was never single for longer than a few months before meeting the next boyf.

Your sister is a serial monogamist. If she is in her mid twenties she has been going out with people since her late teens, non stop.

Its no wonder she is this down if she feels she cannot exist without another half.

K-

Cateym

Kell wrote:

Your sister is a serial monogamist. If she is in her mid twenties she has been going out with people since her late teens, non stop.

Its no wonder she is this down if she feels she cannot exist without another half.

K-

I have bought this up with her on more than one occasion. She did seem to be unable to be on her own, however she has been now for the last 9 months and I think despite what she thinks, its good for her. She is not actively seeking a new relationship at the moment just stuck in the previous one.

Mr. Incognito

I will keep this as short as possible

Stay out of her love life. That's no place for sibliings to poke around.

Kell

Cateym wrote:

She did seem to be unable to be on her own, however she has been now for the last 9 months and I think despite what she thinks, its good for her.

Perhaps she has a few insecurities you dont know about. You can oft find that you know little about the people closest to you.

I'd be leaning on her to stay single for about 2/3 years. With that amount of time she might just be asking herself the same questions I have been asking you.

K-

Cateym

SetantaL wrote:

Stay out of her love life. That's no place for sibliings to poke around.

errr thanks for the helpful advice....

Mr. Incognito

that's probably the most helpful advice you're going to get out of me. I know you love your sister and want to see her happy, but its her life. It's her mistakes to make and you can't protect her from the world. She needs to learn what's right for her and what she wants. You don't have to be in the relationship with her boyfriend so it's easy to go off and criticise him from an outsiders perspective. Maybe he did contact her? You don't know, only to the extent that she tells you.

So go live your own life and let her live hers.

Cateym

SetantaL wrote:

that's probably the most helpful advice you're going to get out of me. I know you love your sister and want to see her happy, but its her life. It's her mistakes to make and you can't protect her from the world. She needs to learn what's right for her and what she wants. You don't have to be in the relationship with her boyfriend so it's easy to go off and criticise him from an outsiders perspective. Maybe he did contact her? You don't know, only to the extent that she tells you.

So go live your own life and let her live hers.

I do appreciate what you're saying. Usually she doesn't ask for my advice or discuss things like that with me. She keeps things fairly bottled up. This time however she is talking to me about it and I feel that she must be fairly deperate to involve me when she usuallly likes to keep things private.

Rozabeez

I don't mean to be bad, but maybe she likes the drama and doesn't want to move on? 10 months is an awful long time to try and get over a summer relationship.

robnubis

Is your sister hawt? cause i'll go out with her tbh.

heh

Nevyn

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Thaedydal