Lonely

LegacyUser

For a number of reasons I've lost touch with a lot of my friends over the past few years and I'm only now realising it. Whenever I do go out with them I feel like I can't relate to anything that's going on and end up going home miserable.

They all have long term girlfriends and I haven't met anyone in a long time.

I also find it very hard to meet new people, part of that is because I'm still living with my folks. That's about to change soon, I've been flat hunting but still, I just don't know where to start.

I feel like I've missed the boat on everything.

I just end up either staying at home reading or watching films or going out running or to the gym. I haven't spoken to a single person since Thursday night.

I know that some if not all of the above is my fault for having hangups about people and things but now I've started to realise this I just dunno wtf to do.

Words of encouragement would be seriously appreciated.

louisecm

I really feel for you. I've had a few weekends recently where things have been really quiet because I was broke, so I can empathise a little with what you are feeling.

First of all, I think it would be a good idea to move out. Check out Daft, and find somewhere in a busy area, living with a few friendly people. Secondly, if you are athletic (you said you go to the gym?) maybe join a sports team or an athletics club? I know a friend of mine has great craic with a running club she joined a few months ago. Also, is there any point in trying to reconnect with any of the old friends or are you just kind of in different worlds? Even if you could get in touch with one of them and suggest going for a pint or rock climbing or something (I know rock climbing is random but I'm not an expert on boy activities!)...

Finally, don't be afraid to pursue people as friends if you meet someone you click with. I have made a load of new friends recently just through meeting them randomly and then taking their number and suggesting we meet up.

I know its all intimidating but you can do it.

LegacyUser

'Hey, thanks for the reply.

You're right, moving out is a complete priority. It seems like the only way of meeting new people now all my school and college friends have moved on. It's scary though. I'm not shy but I am quiet so I worry that people think I'm aloof or ignorant sometimes. I don't want to get off to a bad start with new flatmates.

Being mates with people in work is a no-go. They're alright guys and I respect them professionally but they're older with families etc.

Rock climbing isn't a bad idea. I'm not mad about team sports like football or rugby but I do enjoy the outdoors. I've been going to the gym to get in shape. I put on a few stone over the past couple of years which isn't helping my self esteem so I need to lose that.

I wish it was easier to make friends, I play conversations I "could have had" with people through in my head and kick myself for not saying something at the time.

Argh, why does everything positive have to be so scary? I'm looking for excuses to give up everywhere.'

biko

Op, there have been a few threads before on this topic and these are some of them. Perhaps you can find suggestion on what to do to break out and start making friends again. You can also become more active in your regional froum, suggest a Beers meet/join Boards soccer team etc. Good luck!

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r3nu4l

I'd second the advice of joining a running club. If you are involved, you can train with others (always a motivational bonus!) and also if you become involved in club administration you will be out of the house more for meetings.

I don't know what part of the country you are in but keep an eye on the Events forum here and go to one or two of them. I joined some clubs a few years ago and while they mostly met on weeknights I found that some of the lads could be encouraged to meet up for a pint or two on a Saturday night! Other times we might just go for a pint after the meeting.

As for your old friends, I'm sure that you can rekindle friendship with them. If you move into a new place, that is something that shows them your life is moving on and you're not static. Invite them over for dinner with their girlfriends or a "lads night in" without the girldriends once you've settled in a bit.

Kell

Lonely and lost wrote:

Argh, why does everything positive have to be so scary? I'm looking for excuses to give up everywhere.'

Word of advice, and it really is a simple one. Things are as difficult as YOU choose to make them. If you assume something is going to be hard, it will be. If you assume it will be easy, it will be. No, theres no magic trick or bend of light, that really is the way things are.

Now- you mentioned you dont want to appear aloof in company and you dont know what many of your friends are into anymore. Again, another simple truth- ASK them whats going on. ASK them to explain things you dont understand, because NO they are NOT going to think you are thick.

Just from my point of view. I am a gregarious, social sort of person and I ask people lots n lots of questions (usually forgetting the answer within seconds, but anyhoo). If I spend a night with someone who doesnt ask me a single question, do I think "I wonder are they a bit self conscious or nervy"? No. I say to myself "this person obviously isnt interested in anything about me. I wont go out of my way to talk to them again".

So you see, you fulfil your own self destructive prophecy by hanging back being worried. Talking to anyone in any shape form or manner including asking questions that may make you look like a tít, sends a signal to the world at large that says "I am a happy, confident, outgoing person and certainly one worth talking to".

Another example. My best mate says nothing to no one. A small bunch of us know him as the funniest fúcker in the universe and the best mate anyone could have. The rest of the world dont want to know him longer than the five minutes they might invest in speaking to him. Why? He just doesnt talk.

K-

ShowUsYourXbox

Stop feeling sorry for yourself, get off your arse and do something about it!

Ring some of your old friends!

louisecm

Almost everything worth doing is a little scary. Face the fear and it will be well worth it in the end!

karen3212

I just wanted to say that people appreciate it when you make an effort to speak to them, it doesn't really matter what you say. Other people probably feel the same as you do sometimes, and they might think you don't like them if you don't speak to them.

I think rehearsing the conversations is a good idea, and most men will talk easily about sports when they mightn't be able to talk so easily about other things.

Hope you meet people with similar interests to you soon, in the meantime try and enjoy the movies and books too. Some people just grow out of certain types of shyness if that's what it is. Could you speak to you GP or someone like that just in case it might be something else.