Am i being unreasonable?

LegacyUser · 07-05-2007 7:16pm #1

Wondering what people think about this.

I'm currently studying for my college exams at the moment. They start on the 15th and go on until the 24th. I've told my boyfriend (who i've been with for 6 months) that I need all the time i can get to study and that i wont be able to see him until i'm finished.

He says i'm being selfish that i should be able to fit him in but I really need to
study as i haven't been putting in as much effort as i should have been all year.

I'm getting sick of him saying that i'm ruining our relationship because i wont take an hour break to see him. It won't be an hour break though, it will be more like 4 or 5 hours by the time i get the bus etc.

Am i being unreasonable?

LegacyUser · 08-05-2007 12:20am

'My girlfriend is in Germany doing her exams until November. is she being selfish leaving me here? Kop on to yourself man theres more important things out there then just you.'

marie_85 · 08-05-2007 1:07am

I don't think you're being unreasonable. It is only for a few weeks and I'm studying for exams myself at the moment, I know how important they are. Is your boyfriend in college himself or is he working? If he's not in college, he may not realise the stress you're under which is why he seems to be coming across in your post as the selfish one.

But at the same time, I wouldn't recommend using every minute of the next few weeks to study or else you're going to burn out. Would you not consider maybe taking one day off or two half days and spending some time with him? It would help you take your mind off things for a couple of hours and would leave you a little bit refreshed. I know from experience that after a few days of doing nothing but study, it feels like you're going round in circles and it can be hard to motivate yourself to carry on.

nesf · 08-05-2007 1:10am

Are you not planning on seeing him at all? That would strike me as a little unreasonable and probably a bad idea. Spending time relaxing during exams is really important in my opinion. On the flipside though it's only 10 days so it shouldn't be that big a deal for him not to see you.

gilroyb · 08-05-2007 6:18am

Why are you the one getting the bus? If an hour becomes 4 or 5 due to that, he should be the one doing the travelling when you're near exams.

When studying it's hard to plan huge chunks of time totally, if he wants to see you for an hour then tell him an hour that you'll be free if he wants to call over.

If he's not willing to visit you while you have year end exams, I think you have to look at the relationship again.

The Corinthian · 08-05-2007 6:54am

Maybe just a tad, although not terribly. Your exams go on for ten days, so while I'd agree that you need time to concentrate on those, cutting him off completely (with the exception of the phone, I assume) is perhaps a little unnecessary. Let me put it this way - if you can't afford five hours over a ten day period, then you're screwed in your exams anyway.

Compromise. Suggest to him that you will be able to meet up the once during them, but let him know that this is genuinely all you can afford and put aside a half day for this. Also suggest and / or plan some celebration (weekend away, dinner, etc) for when they're over, for the two of you.

luckat · 08-05-2007 7:07am

No. He's being the unsupportive one. Do your study and don't let his whining push you off course.

Kell · 08-05-2007 11:09am

unreasonableee wrote:

Am i being unreasonable?

Yes, yes you are. When you are on the receiving end of being switched on and switched off as someone else feels fit to leave you, you'll agree.

K-

little lady · 08-05-2007 11:41am

I do understand where you are coming from but I do think you are being unreasonable for not wanting to spend ANY time with your boyfriend.

I’m also studying for exams at the moment but I find that you can’t spend every second with your head in the books and that we all need a break, so why not spend that time with your boyfriend.

If you are studying all day then and hour or two in the evening will not kill you. You don’t have to see him every evening but every couple of days would be good and it would be nice for both of you. I understand that exams are important but I unfortunately learnt the hard was that some things are more important.

jellie · 08-05-2007 12:31pm

I dont think youre being unreasonable. Its only 10 days. surely he can understand that exams are important?

my bf and i have always been in agreement that college comes 1st. its not forever but while we're studying it has to be priority. Although for me, id love to see him for an hour or so every so often during my exams, its nice to relax & forget about it all for a while.

Are your exams closely packed in or something? Can he not travel to see you instead of you wasting hours on a bus?

Canis Lupus · 08-05-2007 1:02pm

It's not just the 10 days exams but the time leading up to them that she seems to want to cut out the BF.

I'd say yeah she is being unreasonable. But only just. Make some time for R&R OP. It's important and stuff.

Slow Motion · 08-05-2007 1:19pm

No your not OP, my GF is studying for her final exams and I'm quite happy to be "Fit in" around her schedule, it's not just for the exam period it's also this time leading up to them. I do miss her and we try to snatch an hour or two when we can, but her exams are more important right now and that's fine, she'll make it up to me afterward

If the relationship is worth anything to your BF he'll hang around if he can't see it from your side I would question his commitment.

LegacyUser · 08-05-2007 4:07pm

Thanks for the replies.

Leading up to the exmas i'll be working evenings. If was to go out to his house after work i'd get there at roughly 10.30 and have to get up at 6 the following morning to get into college on time.

Its not possible for him to come out to my house as im staying in my aunty's during college.

As i said he lives a good bit away from me so if i was to spend time with him it would probably go like this:

Leave at 5, get there at half 6. Go for dinner and cinema etc. Get back to his house at 11, to late for a bus and can't afford a taxi and he'd be begging me to stay. Get up at 10 and he'd be beggin me not to leave striaght away so i'd prob end up getting home at 2 or 3. Thats almost a day that i could have spent studying.

As i said before, i haven't been putting in the work i should have been throughout the year but am determined to pass my exams so need all the time i can get to study.

*Angel* · 08-05-2007 4:34pm

To be honest I'm a bit surprised that you wouldn't want to see him during that time. Studying and working non-stop is likely to drive you insane.

LegacyUser · 08-05-2007 4:41pm

I think you're being unreasonable, yes. I'd be offended if I were him and feel like I was being treated as a thing to switch on and off.

For the exams themselves, definitely feel free not to see him. However, leading up to them I'd feel offended that you were able to plan to save several weeks for study but were unable to plan time for him. Even the idea of 'planning' him feels wrong. You should know when you need a break and he should know to back off and give you loads of space for your study. By backing off I don't mean not seeing you.

LegacyUser · 08-05-2007 5:20pm

WORKING? Coming up to your exams? Ask for three weeks off, you definitely shouldn't be working, whatever about the bf. Sure, if you're not going out and you're staying with your aunty what do you need money for anyway?

I'd need to see bf during exams cos I get stressed, but if you're wishing you were home studying then you won't enjoy your time with him anyway.

Oryx · 08-05-2007 6:08pm

From reading your posts, I dont think youre being unreasonable. Seems to me that youd like to see him, if only it could be on your terms, not his. Youd be happy to give him the time you have, but he 'begs' you for more. If you know that you'll end up spending more time at his than you can afford, then tbh, you need to be selfish right now. Stick to your guns about the time you need to study. It may seem unreasonable, but really, its only for a few weeks, and its your future.

You dont need to be horrible about it, just firm. If hes a decent guy, and can see why you need to do this, he should understand. Keep in touch by phone and in person when you can, but dont be browbeaten into doing something you dont want to do.

And promise him all sorts of nice things when the exams are done, to make up for it.;)

Sangre · 08-05-2007 6:56pm

I don't know about anyone else but I when I'm in the middle of exams I don't have an hour to spare a day. It would be different if you were in college but travelling for me would be out of the question.

I would accept if my OH found this too much but they have the choice to accept it or not.

Smellyirishman · 08-05-2007 7:08pm

Sounds reasonable to me (although the working part does throw a little spanner in the works). When I have exams my GF knows that I may see her, I may not. If I have time, I call down or organise for her to come up or what not but she understands that it's only a couple of days that I need to study, not an "on/off switch" :rolleyes:, you think I wouldn't rather be with her than studying?

Of course, the reverse is true. When she has exams or whatever, she gets the time she needs.

sweet-rasmus · 08-05-2007 7:17pm

i would say that not seeing him at all is a little unreasonable.
and as people have said, you can't work and study all day and night because you will wear youself out before the exams even begin; is there any chance you can take time off work, or perhaps work less hours a week?

hopefully you can get him to travel to meet you somewhere convenient to you. he is only human and you can't just cut him out because it suits your frantic schedule. if you stick to your plan it wont do your relationship any favours.

as a matter of interest, how long have you been going out? if its only a couple of months, then he may feel it's quiet a leap from your happy times to suddenly not being allowed to see you.

also, is he in college? if he hasn't had that exam rush experience in college then he may not understand quite how stressed you feel.

either way, i hope you can both make a little time to see each other

chump · 08-05-2007 7:36pm

You really shouldn't get so worked up about exams - and I would regard not seeing your boyfriend at ALL over that long a period as being "worked up".

Your bf I'm sure can come to you to cut out on travel time - and then 2-3 hours is hardly that big a deal. There is only so much your brain can fit in in a days study anyway. No point frying yourself

jellie · 08-05-2007 7:37pm

unreasonablee wrote:

Its not possible for him to come out to my house as im staying in my aunty's during college.

is there nowhere in the surrounding area that you could go? get some dinner? even just go for a walk? even if she doesnt want him in the house for some reason i dont see how you living in your aunts can stop you seeing him.

As for working in the evenings along with studying in the days, be careful you dont wear yourself out. Its hard enough to do a days study without the pressure of going to work in the evening too.

Am i being unreasonable?

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