an ambivalent woman?

LegacyUser

Hello all,

First of all I'm irish 25 years of age and I've never done something like this before so forgive me in advance for anything out of the ordinary. Its not that I've something against it like some men in particular would have, its just that I've never wanted advice/opinions as much. Sorry if its too long but I always try not to omit anything from a story as small things can be important.

The story begins 6 months ago when I started a new job in a large multinational company. About 30 other people were getting induction training the same day and of course one girl in particular stood out. As luck would have it we were divided up to be sent to different areas of the company and she ended up in our small contingent of 4.

I was put working beside her (shes polish and ill call her zeta from now on) and another polish guy whom i became fairly good friends with. There arent many other irish people where i am so we kinda hung around together especially as we were the new guys.

The polish guy left so it was just me and Zeta, I always found her very attractive but knew she had a polish boyfriend and was engaged to him so I never really thought about her or tried anything. After about 4 months, surviving the numerous cuts we were still both working alongside each other and had become very good friends. I was always the one she came to for help about work related stuff and advice as well as outside stuff about tax back, accomodation etc. as i know whats it like to be abroad and not have a clue where to go and not have the language.

Another new polish girl started at work whom we both got on with very well ( shes in the middle now - new girl) she seems to love my personality but i have to admit I'm just extra nice to her to look good in front of Zeta . Since the new girl started Zeta has become even more close to me. Added to that her boyfriend has gone home to poland and is leaving her alone in ireland for 6 weeks... Anyway our contracts were expiring a few days ago and she got bold with me one day. I was joking around saying i was special as the supervisor was always getting me to do odd jobs around the place so she turns round and tries to say to me inbetween laughing to hide what i suppose you'd call embarassment - 'I always knew you were special from the first day i saw you' - i didnt get the chance to reply as the boss was coming but when she had gone she turned to me and said 'are you available?' with a big grin but with something serious about it, boss back again and i was moved elsewhere.

I texted her with the reply 'id always be available for a girl like you'. To which i got the reply along the lines of 'i dont think that your available because 2nd time at work u didnt wait for me our put my equipment in your locker. If we met a little earlier i could be available for you..' So after all that I realised that yes I am actually in love with this girl and I think I might have made a mistake by hinting strongly at that via text. I sent a long text message to try gauge the seriousness of her comments and feelings and only got vague answers back but nothing negative.

Now it turns out I'm being moved to another area at work so I just said to her i wont see much of her anymore and to keep in touch. I was preparing to leave it at that until i get a response saying 'ill visit you ever day as my feelings are strong for you, ill motivate u to work hard blah blah to show how much i love you. Back on again after that...I replied confirming that i think i lover her too and suggested meeting up. I havent got a response to that in 3 days...

On one last note male friends of mine think shes after me. Shes a very normal girl who's reserved but would probably try or actually be dominant in a relationship - i can see a bossy side. It takes a long time to gain her trust. Shes very hard to read and I would think above average intelligence. Shes family orientated and moderately religious. I don't think shes happy with her fiance either (i certainly wouldnt dream of leaving my future wife alone in a foreign country) and a friend who has uncanny intuition says she looks unhappy.

What should I do? Any opinion whether it be positive, negative, critical or nice is needed. Thanks for reading.

pikachucheeks

Hi!
just read your mini essay there :P

If I were you,I'd push her to the back of your mind and try not to think about it too much.
Considering the fact she's got a fiancee,yet texting you,then leaving long spaces of time between her messages makes me think she's very confused.

Just give her time ... then see what comes of it.
if she has some time alone to think through her feelings,it might work very well in your favour.

Basically,if you "love" her,ask her to tell you how she feels exactly and what she's going to do about it.
you deserve the truth,as does she.
don't play games with each other,it'll only end in confusion.

Miss Fluff

Ask her out for a drink

nikolaitr

Good luck with whatever you choose to do, but keep in mind that her fiance is well within his rights(morally speaking) to come back over here and kick your ass.

Wibbs

The fact is she's engaged to someone, regardless of whether he's being a muppet or not.

She is off limits until she makes a decision about her situation. This isn't just a "moral" thing, it's logical too. If you dive in now, even if you get somewhere, you can be sure of problems.

For a start she won't be over the engaged guy. Fact. If she was over him and wanted anything with you or anyone else she would have done it by now. Him leaving would have been the perfect excuse. When people are "confused", it's best to leave them to it for your sake. As pikachucheeks wrote she needs time alone to make a decision. That decision will do you no good if you push for it.

Now let's say it all goes to plan and she does dump him. Care must be taken. Jumping into a relationship with you so soon after a relationship serious enough to warrant engagement has the highest chances of leaving you Mr. John A. Rebound. Indeed often people use a relationship like that as a way to get over the serious one. Also some people feel they need someone in their lives. That can be a very bad sign. They all too often go back to the longterm person too.

My rule of thumb is only go out with people who are actually single. Just because someone has or is thinking of breaking up with someone, it doesn't always make them single and ready to start afresh without looking back. In 90% of cases it means the complete opposite IMHO.

TBH It sounds to me like she's using you as a bit of excitement in her life. She may have feelings for you, don't get me wrong, but tread carefully. Another rule of thumb? If a woman wants you the chances are, she'll make steps to make sure you know about it.

LegacyUser

confused_bloke wrote:

Hello all,

First of all I'm irish 25 years of age

Added to that her boyfriend has gone home to poland and is leaving her alone in ireland for 6 weeks...

'I always knew you were special from the first day i saw you' - i didnt get the chance to reply as the boss was coming but when she had gone she turned to me and said 'are you available?' with a big grin but with something serious about it, boss back again and i was moved elsewhere.

I texted her with the reply 'id always be available for a girl like you'. To which i got the reply along the lines of 'i dont think that your available because 2nd time at work u didnt wait for me our put my equipment in your locker. If we met a little earlier i could be available for you..'

So after all that I realised that yes I am actually in love with this girl

I sent a long text message to try gauge the seriousness of her comments and feelings and only got vague answers back but nothing negative.

Now it turns out I'm being moved to another area at work so I just said to her i wont see much of her anymore and to keep in touch. I was preparing to leave it at that until i get a response saying 'ill visit you ever day as my feelings are strong for you, ill motivate u to work hard blah blah to show how much i love you.

Back on again after that...I replied confirming that i think i lover her too and suggested meeting up. I havent got a response to that in 3 days...

On one last note male friends of mine think shes after me.

I don't think shes happy with her fiance either (i certainly wouldnt dream of leaving my future wife alone in a foreign country) and a friend who has uncanny intuition says she looks unhappy.

What should I do? Any opinion whether it be positive, negative, critical or nice is needed. Thanks for reading.

First of all, she has a boyfriend who is going home to Poland for 6 weeks. You don't know why he is going home and frankly it's none of your business. All you need to know is she has a boyfriend. So stay the **** away.

Secondly, she is playing you like a violin. Yes she has you whipped. She is coming out saying all this special talk to you knowing she has a boyfriend and KNOWING you want her because let's face it, you make it obvious and she picks up on it and is playing it to her advantage. This is obvious from when you sent her your wimpy text saying that you are available...( when in fact you should have copped the **** on and been a challenge and not given in to this attention seeking girl. )

Thirdly, are you stupid? You are not and can't be in love with a girl you don't have any sort of emotional connection with and who you hardly know...so do yourself a favour and don't throw that word around because you seriously don't know what it means.

So you sent her a long text message and got vagueness and you seem happy because it was not negative? Are you out of your mind? She is avoiding it without being harsh. That's called game playing and the score reads 3 - 0 to her. She has you where she wants you...she wants attention. And she is getting it.

So you are moving out and she says that she will visit you every day and that she loves you etc...I don't believe that. I don't think she said she loves you. I think you made that bit up. And if she did say it, she doesn't know what it means either, but it most certainly if anything is the LUV version and not the LOVE version...

Then you went and sent her a text telling her that you love her...wow that's real brave of you...and your 25? Are you sure you are not 15? I'm 22 and I couldn't possibly imagine someone my age or older doing anything remotely as childish as that. Oh and keep on waiting...cos you won't get the response you are looking for...

Your friends think she is into you? Big deal. Woop de ****ing dooo. That means nothing. They think? I don't think so...i don't think she is...i think she is playing you off the field.

Oh and you don't THINK she is happy with her fiance either because he went off for 6 week? And why do you THINK that? Because it's what you want to believe. You wouldn't leave your wife alone in a foreign country? How can you be so sure? What if circumstances arose? Don't say stupid things because you just don't know. If you have any sort of solid relationship, 6 weeks away would be tough but not the end of the world...especially if the circumstances are matching. How do you know he is not trying to get a better job for the future of himself and his wife? You don't.

Oh superb...a friend who has uncanny intuition says she looks unhappy? What the hell are you on? Maybe she misses her fiance possibly? Did that cross your mind??? At all? No, didn't think so.

I'll be honest with you. I think the way you handled this situation is pathetic...I think you had numerous warning signs but you kept pursuing this little fantasy in your head. You are 25 but you are acting like a 15 year old. You don't know much of what you are talking about and there is far too much "thinking" and "assuming" going on on your part...

My advice: Lick your wounds and learn not be played in such a bad way again.

Carrigart Exile

She's playing you like a kipper mate, keeping you dangling as a fall back should fiancee prove useless. Tell her you do not go out with unavailable women and she would need to prove to you that she was free.

LegacyUser

'I would agree with 'Carrigart Exile'.

My experience of Polish wimmin is that they
have their b/f / husband - but like their
'little bit on the side' as well.'

LegacyUser

'Thanks for all the replies and all your advice was duly noted. I'm going to steer clear of this one big time, perfect example of penile thinking. Its rare I find someone whom I'm after so when I do I go jump off the highest diving board I can find. That said though if it wasnt for all the sh1t in the past couple of weeks id have put her down as one of my closet female friends.



but to cheesedude, is your sisters name zeta or something, look man you took a lot of stuff i wrote the wrong way and i didnt include any flase information in that, omit maybe but not lie. whilst your probably right about a lot of what you said there are easier ways to get a point across.'

vibrant

You told her you loved her, and she has ignored you for three days? That is VILE behavior! How could somebody do that?

I would think long and hard about this, are you willing to put up with that sort of nonsense in the long term? Yes, it is possible that she left her phone in her friend's house, or ran out of credit or whatever excuse, but personally I think it's more likely that she is just bored and yanking your chain, perhaps the writing is on the wall with her and her current BF and she wants to "keep her options open" (hate that phrase, it's so arrogant).

Run far and run fast!

Wibbs

vibrant wrote:

You told her you loved her, and she has ignored you for three days? That is VILE behavior! How could somebody do that?

Ill mannered yes, VILE! not so much. In any case the same accusation could be leveled at the OP. After all he pursues a woman he claims to love while she is with someone else. If he actually loved her, he would leave her alone to come to whatever conclusion was good for her - not him. By telling her he has increased her confusion, if indeed she is having issues in her relationship.

I would think long and hard about this, are you willing to put up with that sort of nonsense in the long term?

True, but all too often when the willy is engaged the brain is in neutral.

Yes, it is possible that she left her phone in her friend's house, or ran out of credit or whatever excuse, but personally I think it's more likely that she is just bored and yanking your chain,

Agree with you here. Credit or no, if she wanted to contact him she would have.

perhaps the writing is on the wall with her and her current BF and she wants to "keep her options open" (hate that phrase, it's so arrogant).

Nail on the head.

LegacyUser

vibrant wrote:

You told her you loved her, and she has ignored you for three days? That is VILE behavior! How could somebody do that?

I would think long and hard about this, are you willing to put up with that sort of nonsense in the long term? Yes, it is possible that she left her phone in her friend's house, or ran out of credit or whatever excuse, but personally I think it's more likely that she is just bored and yanking your chain, perhaps the writing is on the wall with her and her current BF and she wants to "keep her options open" (hate that phrase, it's so arrogant).

Run far and run fast!

Its not great behaviour no but maybe the dating game is different for poles? as in the old fashioned way were men have to do all the work - thats just a suggestion, i didnt say outright 'i love you' i said 'I have a lot of love for you'. Its not a great way to behave and I'd prefer 'I'm getting married or nothing is going to happen' just to put closure on it or even a 'i only like you as a friend' would do.

After I had told her that I was being moved to a different area at work with different breaks lunches but the same shift she said half jokingly that I should go to the supervisor to get that changed. I'd no attention of doing that serious or not. At the end of the days work she just came up to me with arms crossed and says 'I am not happy about this'. Her english isnt that great either so there could been misunderstandings along the way. Its only since i told her i wouldnt be around at work anymore all this has come on.

From what I've written above it seems like I've been chasing her like a hound but that isnt the case at all. I texted her a few times for 2 days (with replies) after what she had said that day in my original post but before that she was an engaged woman who I had never thought seriously about. ive left it be now and intend to leave it be as I've no intention of sticking my neck out anymore. If she wants to talk she knows where i am. She didnt seem like the type to play games with hidden meanings obviously my penis thought wrong lol.

LegacyUser

'

Wibbs wrote:

After all he pursues a woman he claims to love while she is with someone else. If he actually loved her, he would leave her alone to come to whatever conclusion was good for her - not him

I thought the reply that never came might bring about the conclusion which is why I mentioned the word love in that text message. Cloudy, dual meaning replies werent getting anywhere so i thought I was expected to coax it out. Messed that one up then eh .

After dealing with many women over a few years I'm going to play the hard to get, indifferent, emotionally stable - just lacking in them male. Just like I was when drinking several nights a week - i used to at least have them doing the chasing then lol.'

Wibbs

confused_bloke wrote:

Its not great behaviour no but maybe the dating game is different for poles? as in the old fashioned way were men have to do all the work

You're still avoiding the elephant in the room. She is with someone. Engaged to them even. Beyond some free love hippy communes that means off limits in most cultures.

- thats just a suggestion, i didnt say outright 'i love you' i said 'I have a lot of love for you'. Its not a great way to behave and I'd prefer 'I'm getting married or nothing is going to happen' just to put closure on it or even a 'i only like you as a friend' would do.

If she wants you she would have split up with her fiancee. End of. Even then it would be silly to jump in without a gap in between.

After dealing with many women over a few years I'm going to play the hard to get, indifferent, emotionally stable - just lacking in them male. Just like I was when drinking several nights a week - i used to at least have them doing the chasing then lol.'

The only part of that sentence that you should implement is the emotionally stable part. No offense, but you seem much younger than 25 with the games you're playing and the choices you're making. Maybe I'm reading it wrong. BTW you shouldn't have to "deal" with women, you should simply interact with them. Makes things far easier.

hullaballoo

I look at it like this: if you really love a girl who's in a relationship, the last thing you should do is let her know. If she knows you're interested, then she may break up with the other chap for you.

If that happens, all hell breaks loose. Most importantly, she will always wonder what it would have been like with the other chap. Any time there's any bad times in your relationship, or if it ends, she'll think "why didn't I stay with the other chap?"

I couldn't live with that.

Aside from that aspect, people are quite fickle, and she could easily go off the boil if she knows you're interested. Don't be surprised if you're given the cold shoulder from here on in.

Wibbs

hullaball&#250 wrote:

I look at it like this: if you really love a girl who's in a relationship, the last thing you should do is let her know. If she knows you're interested, then she may break up with the other chap for you.

If that happens, all hell breaks loose. Most importantly, she will always wonder what it would have been like with the other chap. Any time there's any bad times in your relationship, or if it ends, she'll think "why didn't I stay with the other chap?"

Nail on the head. Starting a new relationship immediately after an important one is sure to cause problems. If the original relationship was going downhill, you could simply be an excuse to end it. If someone jumps from one relationship to another that quickly it's usually not a good sign(it does depend on age somewhat). There are exceptions to this and it depends on many factors, but in the vast majority of cases this is how you become a rebound.

LegacyUser

Wibbs wrote:

The only part of that sentence that you should implement is the emotionally stable part. No offense, but you seem much younger than 25 with the games you're playing and the choices you're making. Maybe I'm reading it wrong. BTW you shouldn't have to "deal" with women, you should simply interact with them. Makes things far easier.

Notice the 'lol' part at the end. I already said above I was leaving this alone, I get over things quickly once I make a decision.