My father has a drink problem

LegacyUser

I'm a well established user, but I'm going unregged for this, as I know family also use boards.

Over the last few years I have noticed my father having a problem with drink. Not so much a problem of being addicted to it, but more so that when he drinks, he drinks alot and gets very very aggressive and abusive towards our family.

What drew the line was what happened last night. I went to a dinner with my family and this is where the nights drinking started with my father. Beforehand he had 2 pints and at dinner drank a full bottle of red wine and 2 glasses of port. From previous events, myself, my sister and mother were on high alert as he starts to get slightly aggressive but not so much in a public place.

I left the night early after dinner, as I knew it could get worse as it always does.
I went home and went to bed only a few hours later to be woken up by an argument between him and my mother, by which my mother explained she is not interested in an argument and for him to calm down. He would not listen and continued on. A few minutes later he decided to proceed to break the house up by smashing plates and breaking glasses. As I was upstairs and not interested in getting involved as this regulary happens, I called the local garda station to be told a guard would be there as soon as possible.
A guard never arrived, nor did I get called back as I gave them my number.

Everything quietened down and only this morning when I got up to survey the damage, I seen trails of blood everywhere. Wiped on the walls in the hall and the sitting room, all over the kitchen floor and all over the bathroom. Obviously I would assume he cut himself in the heat of breaking the kitchen apart and decided to clean it all over the house.

What gets to me is that my mother says she is sick and tired of this happening every so often and that she will leave him if it continues. I agree with her, but yet she never acts on her words.

Every night they go out to the pub they always come home having an argument. Its only some nights, maybe once every two weeks that things will get smashed, or someone gets hurt or injured.
He already 2 years ago assaulted my mother and got away with it. She never pressed charges against him.
He smashed my sisters laptop when she left it in the kitchen.
And after Christmas, I left my PS2 in the sitting room, only to find it the next day smashed.
He is always like this when he has drink on him and when any one of us bring this up with him, he will go off in a sober tangent and start a row. So for peace sakes we don't bring it up alot.

Is there any places or people that we can get to deal with this? Anywhere in Dublin, websites etc that has information. Has anyone else had the same dealings as this?

It really is becoming out of hand over the last 5 months.
We are even at a stage where we are watering down any drinks that are in the house or getting rid of them bit by bit.
It wont be long until someone gets killed by him some night. And I'm not exaggerating.

DublinWriter

AA in Ireland have a specific support group for family members.

Contact details here:

http://www.alcoholicsanonymous.ie/contactus/default.asp?itemId=2

little miss

You have all my sympathy. My father used to drink a lot when I was younger and used to beat up my mum. I'm an only child, so I was the only one aware of it. The amount of times I heard him threaten to kill her... It still haunts me now and I can't stand to be around drunk men. My ex had a problem with alcohol too, and even though he was never physically abusive, he did do a lot of hurtful things just because of the drink. I used to hide the drink in the house, or water down spritis. I was constantly on edge, and was so scared he'd hurt himself when he was drunk or do something stupid like cheat on me. Which he eventually did. Alcoholism is such a terrible illness, yet it destroys more than one person. Living with my father and my ex shattered my confidence.

The one thing I've learnt is that you can never force an alcoholic to get help. They need to hit rock bottom and do it for themselves. I know that doesn't help you or your situation. All you can do is protect yourself and your family. The AA family group sounds like a great idea. And tbh, if you are worried about your own safety and others, maybe you should suggest to your mum that you move to somewhere safe until he gets help. And if he doesn't get the help he needs, then even though its harsh, in the long run separation might be better if you can persuade your mother. Things will not get better until he realises he has to get help. He doesn't seem to be willing to do that now and I know its horrible, but he may never realise it... Best of luck. Thinking of you all. xxx

Miss Fluff

As far as I know, Alcoholics Anonymous also run programmes for family members/significant others. Perhaps they may be able to advise you on how best to tackle this issue, it sounds awful for you. Hope you manage to get it sorted.

flogen

fatherismad wrote:

I'm a well established user, but I'm going unregged for this, as I know family also use boards.

Over the last few years I have noticed my father having a problem with drink. Not so much a problem of being addicted to it, but more so that when he drinks, he drinks alot and gets very very aggressive and abusive towards our family.

I'm no expert, and I'm just going on what you're saying, but I'd say he is addicted to drink. The first and most important thing is that you and your family can call a spade a spade in that regard, even if he won't.

What drew the line was what happened last night. I went to a dinner with my family and this is where the nights drinking started with my father. Beforehand he had 2 pints and at dinner drank a full bottle of red wine and 2 glasses of port. From previous events, myself, my sister and mother were on high alert as he starts to get slightly aggressive but not so much in a public place.

I left the night early after dinner, as I knew it could get worse as it always does.
I went home and went to bed only a few hours later to be woken up by an argument between him and my mother, by which my mother explained she is not interested in an argument and for him to calm down. He would not listen and continued on. A few minutes later he decided to proceed to break the house up by smashing plates and breaking glasses. As I was upstairs and not interested in getting involved as this regulary happens, I called the local garda station to be told a guard would be there as soon as possible.
A guard never arrived, nor did I get called back as I gave them my number.

Everything quietened down and only this morning when I got up to survey the damage, I seen trails of blood everywhere. Wiped on the walls in the hall and the sitting room, all over the kitchen floor and all over the bathroom. Obviously I would assume he cut himself in the heat of breaking the kitchen apart and decided to clean it all over the house.

What gets to me is that my mother says she is sick and tired of this happening every so often and that she will leave him if it continues. I agree with her, but yet she never acts on her words.

Every night they go out to the pub they always come home having an argument. Its only some nights, maybe once every two weeks that things will get smashed, or someone gets hurt or injured.
He already 2 years ago assaulted my mother and got away with it. She never pressed charges against him.
He smashed my sisters laptop when she left it in the kitchen.
And after Christmas, I left my PS2 in the sitting room, only to find it the next day smashed.
He is always like this when he has drink on him and when any one of us bring this up with him, he will go off in a sober tangent and start a row. So for peace sakes we don't bring it up alot.

Is there any places or people that we can get to deal with this? Anywhere in Dublin, websites etc that has information. Has anyone else had the same dealings as this?

It really is becoming out of hand over the last 5 months.
We are even at a stage where we are watering down any drinks that are in the house or getting rid of them bit by bit.
It wont be long until someone gets killed by him some night. And I'm not exaggerating.

The key to this is making your mother see sense - it's very difficult for her to turn on the person she married, has been with for so long etc. but she has to realise that that person and the one smashing up your house and hitting her are not the same.

There's obviously no point approaching him at this stage, because he doesn't want to deal with the reality and there's no way to force him to - your job is to protect yourself, your family and stop enabling him in any way.

If you can get the full support of your family (ie mother), you should agree to remove all drink from the house, full stop. Tell him what you think (that he has a problem) and that you're not willing to aid him with that. Tell him what consequences there will be if/when he goes overboard again and act on them - never make a threat you're not going to follow through on.

Next time he tries to start a row, no one should argue back - that's just playing into him and justifying his mood. Let him be, let him smash the place and once he starts that call the Gardaí and tell them to get over there. If they're not there in a few minutes ring them again - tell them you have a drunk, aggressive and abusive man in your house and you genuinely fear for your safety (which you do).

Basically, with your father seeming like an extremely unreasonable man, and one that has gotten everything his way for so long, you need to show him that no-one is willing to take it anymore.

Maybe he'll start to realise what he's doing and will look for help, maybe not. Either way it's up to you to not play into his games, not feed into his mood and to make it as clear as you can that you and your family are not his metaphorical and literal punch bag upon which he can take out whatever anger he happens to be feeling at that time.

If needs be, maybe you should seek somewhere safe to go - if you feel your in any real danger you should remove yourself and others from it as quickly as possible - but that said if you don't, don't let him decide you life and don't let him put you on the run.

LegacyUser

'I really feel for you, your post could have been written by me 2 years ago but fortunately my Dad decided to do something about his problem after crashing the car and then running from the police. Always nice to come home to find a Garda car parked across your driveway and your father sitting in the house HAMMERED being berated by a garda who is younger than you.

The primary thing for you to do here is be aware that this is not your problem or your fault. You can not stop your father drinking. The only thing that will stop him is a decision he has to come to on his own. What you can do is take care of yourself. Put yourself first and encourage your family members to do the same. One thing that really got me during the years of my Dad's drinking was that I felt like my mom was being really weak about it all, I was angry with her for letting it happen, I felt like I had to take care of my sisters and my brother so despite my friends and extended family encouraging to move out and make myself my first priotity I hung around. I wanted to be there to keep an eye on things. Eventually, he threw a chair at me one night and called me a little bitch when I defended my brother because my father was being completely irrational and screaming at him for no reason. That was the final straw. I moved out and had to make my happiness and safety priority number one. I encourage you to do the same. You can support your family without putting yourself in the firing line.

I also encourage you to check out Alanon, or Alateen depending on your age. They are support organisations for family members of alcoholics - you would be surprised how comforting it is to talk to someone who has been in a similar position to you, the level of understanding is just something else. You can contact them at 01-8732699 and they can point you in the direction of a meeting near you.

I am going unregged here for the same reason as yourself but I will check this post regularly and if you would like to contact me privately through pms or e-mail or something I'm sure we can figure something out.

Good luck, and help yourself so that you can better help him if he ever does decide to do something about his problem. You are not alone.

Sorry for rambling!'

louisecm

Ok, this is my third attempt at posting this so if its come up three times I'm sorry, Boards doesn't like me today!

I really feel for you, your post could have been written by me 2 years ago but fortunately my Dad decided to do something about his problem after crashing the car and then running from the police. Always nice to come home to find a Garda car parked across your driveway and your father sitting in the house HAMMERED being berated by a garda who is younger than you.

The primary thing for you to do here is be aware that this is not your problem or your fault. You can not stop your father drinking. The only thing that will stop him is a decision he has to come to on his own. What you can do is take care of yourself. Put yourself first and encourage your family members to do the same. One thing that really got me during the years of my Dad's drinking was that I felt like my mom was being really weak about it all, I was angry with her for letting it happen, I felt like I had to take care of my sisters and my brother so despite my friends and extended family encouraging to move out and make myself my first priotity I hung around. I wanted to be there to keep an eye on things. Eventually, he threw a chair at me one night and called me a little bitch when I defended my brother because my father was being completely irrational and screaming at him for no reason. That was the final straw. I moved out and had to make my happiness and safety priority number one. I encourage you to do the same. You can support your family without putting yourself in the firing line.

I also encourage you to check out Alanon, or Alateen depending on your age. They are support organisations for family members of alcoholics - you would be surprised how comforting it is to talk to someone who has been in a similar position to you, the level of understanding is just something else. You can contact them at 01-8732699 and they can point you in the direction of a meeting near you.

Pm me if you would like to chat some more.

Good luck, and help yourself so that you can better help him if he ever does decide to do something about his problem. You are not alone.

Sorry for rambling!

LegacyUser

Hi,

I'm going to sign up after posting this since, as a recovered alcoholic, I might be of some help here...

First thing to know is that there is a solution to all of this. The catch, as has been mentioned before, is that your dad will have to want it.

Alcoholics Anonymous do not offer any type of family group. Alcoholics Anonymous is for alcoholics. There is however another 12 step fellowship that grew out from AA which is called Al-Anon. This is a fellowship I would recommend for yourself and your mother since it sounds like you are both getting affected heavily by your dads drinking.

The best thing to do is have a chat with your dad and see if he has any interest in giving up the drink. If he doesn't, that doesn't mean things have to stay the same for yourself since you can seek help and learn how to deal with your part of this.

If your dad shows any interest in seeking help then there are many resources available, the most powerful and effective being AA. I attend AA meeting in Dublin myself.

Feel free to send me a PM if you'd like to get in touch and discuss this further or if you have any questions.

Recovered

My earlier post is not appearing here so here goes...

Hi,

I signed up after reading your post since, as a recovered alcoholic, I might be of some help here...

First thing to know is that there is a solution to all of this. The catch, as has been mentioned before, is that your dad will have to want it.

Alcoholics Anonymous do not offer any type of family group. Alcoholics Anonymous is for alcoholics. There is however another 12 step fellowship that grew out from AA which is called Al-Anon. This is a fellowship I would recommend for yourself and your mother since it sounds like you are both getting affected heavily by your dads drinking.

The best thing to do is have a chat with your dad and see if he has any interest in giving up the drink. If he doesn't, that doesn't mean things have to stay the same for yourself since you can seek help and learn how to deal with your part of this.

If your dad shows any interest in seeking help then there are many resources available, the most powerful and effective being AA. I attend AA meeting in Dublin myself.

Feel free to send me a PM if you'd like to get in touch and discuss this further or if you have any questions.