Other half of 9 years won't marry me

LegacyUser

I'm with my OH for 9 yrs, living together for 5. We are blissfully happy and rarely argue. However, I really want to get married and have kids, being married a must before having the kids however I'm still waiting for a proposal. We have discussed this at length and know the type of wedding we want to have however I dont fell i'm any closer to it than I was at 16. Approx 2 yrs ago he let slip when drunk that we'd be engaged within the year so needless to say I was estatic, then all our friends got engaged, well 4 couples and he kept saying "ah you wouldn't want to get engaged so soon after everyone (which is correct) however its a year since our last friend got engaged and am no closer. So now I'm sitting through all my friends wedding wishing it was me. Recently he has wanted to move from our apartment into a house as its a better place to raise kids but with a financial strain a move will put on us, a wedding is just not feasible in the next few years.

I just don't know what to do. I seen my sister waste her prime with someone who had no intention of settling down and now she has one son when I know she would have loved 3 or 4 but can't have any more because of her age.
I want nothing more than to be a young mum as my own mother was in her late 30's when she had me and had little energy for me. I know he loves me and wants kids but am unsure how long I should wait....
Surely by now he should know if he loves me enough to marry me....

seamus

Em...

Propose to him? Clearly he does want to get married, but is waiting until the time is right.

What is it with some women hounding their men to propose to them, and then becoming bridezillas when they do? Is that not killing the point completely?

Just raise your concerns with him. I'm guessing that you're 25ish? Just let him know that you're eager to have kids now, that by the time you're thirty, the ability to get pregnant is lessened, and in order to get there you need to be married.

If you want to be romantic, wait. If you want to be married, then talk straight to him and screw the romance.

LegacyUser

I've asked him! I'm not the type of girl that need a romantic weekend away and a big proposal at all. If he said to me tomorrow, lets go to a registry office next sat I'll be there. But he won't cause he knows deep down i'd love a nice wedding but if it was a big wedding or not marrying him I would go with whatever he chooses, no hesitation!!!. Public appearences are not his thing and I appreciate that and have waited patiently for a number of years (I'm 29 btw) however, If I keep on the way we are going I'm just afraid i'm wasting my time.
I have said it to him, sometimes he tells me to just wait (for the past 18 months) other days he gets annoyed. Don't get me wrong, I dont want to bully anyone into marrying me but at the same point if he's not going to commit then I don't want to waste my time.

axer

Molly001 wrote:

I'm still waiting for a proposal.

As said above - why are you waiting for him to propose?

Molly001 wrote:

Recently he has wanted to move from our apartment into a house as its a better place to raise kids but with a financial strain a move will put on us, a wedding is just not feasible in the next few years.

You say you want to get married before you have kids but that does not need to cost much. I'll take it you want a big wedding with all the bells and whistles? Would you not consider maybe having a low key wedding and using the money saved for a house?

davyjose

Molly001 wrote:

Recently he has wanted to move from our apartment into a house as its a better place to raise kids but with a financial strain a move will put on us, a wedding is just not feasible in the next few years.

You're missing the wood for the trees here. Do you want to be married with kids, or is it a Big Wedding you want? Surely then his suggestion to move to a house to raise kids, is a lot more commitment than you give him credit for, especially f, as you suggest, yous are 25.

Rogueish

You have my utmost sympathy, on one hand you have it all - a man that you can see yourself with for the rest of your life and on the other a man who seems to be unwilling to make that final step of commitment. You have seen what your sister went through and you are afraid that you are blinded by your love and faith in this man. On top of that you're biological clock has been ticking away for the last few years and now at 29 it's not getting any quieter.

At this stage if you have exhausted all other avenues - in other words talked it out with him so he knows how you are feeling - then I would walk away and see how he reacts. It's a double edged sword though. You may get the reaction that you want - in other words a proposal and a concrete date for a wedding but on the other hand how much of you will be wondering if you have backed him into a corner.

Some guys get lulled into a state of complacency and see nothing wrong with the status quo, their biological clocks tend to be infinite.

OP you have some very tough decisions ahead of you. Good Luck I hope it works out for you.

_Kaiser_

I don't really see the problem here myself.. at least not insofar as the relationship itself is concerned.

OP you talk about settling down and commitment but I'd argue that your boyfriend is already clearly committed to you (as his suggestion to move into a house and start thinking about kids would demonstrate) but it does indeed seem to me that you are more concerned about not keeping up with your friends and their wedding plans etc.

Sorry to be so harsh OP but it does seem (as someone else pointed out) that you're more concerned about getting your big day out first and foremost. Maybe there's reason he doesn't want to take it that next step, or maybe as you mention already, the financial aspect might be part of it.
Personally I'd agree it's better to invest that money into a house and a family than blowing it on a big fancy wedding (if I had to choose), or maybe his own parents/close friends are seperated or divorced?

In any case you do need to talk to him about it as other's have said, but I'd also ask yourself what's more important to you as he seems to be getting a bit tired of constantly being "badgered" about this from the sound of it - is a happy committed relationship (which you already seem to have) not worth more than a big day out?

Molly001

Molly001 wrote:

I've asked him!

Did he say no?

I dont want to bully anyone into marrying me but at the same point if he's not going to commit then I don't want to waste my time.

Well then call his bluff and say its now or never and you will end it.
Or else consign yourself to the way you are now forever and ever as thats the way it will be.
If you choose the latter -then stop complaining about it.If you choose the former,get to work on finding the new husband material straight away.

By the way when you say you were together for 9 years do you mean since you were 16 or younger (you mentioned in the op that you didn't feel closer to it than when you were 16 suggesting this) or something? what age are you?

Wookie

It is time to push it a little, but set it up so the “chat” can’t be avoided.

Go out for a walk (hopefully you go for walks together now and then). Make sure it is at least a 40 – 60 minute round trip.

Half way round, lay it on the line.

"right, what is the story with this marrige lark you big chicken"
“we have talked about this before”
“I know you want to do it, you have said more than once you want to get engaged (both sober and drunk)”

I was in a similar position myself, I knew that it was coming down the line and we had talked about it plenty of times before. I wanted it, but I just needed a gentle push.

sioda

I have been with my GF for just over 9 years as well and mates of ours have got married but for me marraige is not a big thing I mean if you have a home together and life is good why is marraige needed at all.

Dont mean to be insensitive about it but if he is willing to get into the financial hell of first time buying to hopefully give yeer kids somewhere better to grow up you are on to a winner.

As a person who purchased a house with my GF 3 years ago I found that it brought us closer together even more so than some of our married mates.

End of the day if he is willing to move get a house and raise some kids and you have to postpone marraige better till finances are better is it not much better to be living with the person you love than unhappy away from that person

Rb

Yes, trying to pressure him into proposing to you is a sure fire way to get him to do it alright. Why not start piercing the condoms (if you use them) or stop taking the pill (if you use it) and force fatherhood on him too?!

Why can't women propose to men?Either propose to him, or wait til hes ready. You can't force these things on people.

Miss Fluff

Molly001 wrote:

I'm with my OH for 9 yrs, living together for 5. We are blissfully happy and rarely argue. However, I really want to get married and have kids, being married a must before having the kids however I'm still waiting for a proposal. We have discussed this at length and know the type of wedding we want to have however I dont fell i'm any closer to it than I was at 16.....

Talk to him. Don't issue ultimatums are call his bluff etc, tell him how you feel and be completely honest with one another.

luckat

My sister was 'engaged' to someone for nine years, with the wedding constantly being rescheduled (by him), then she saw him through his paternity case, he married the mother of his child, and bye-bye.

If your partner doesn't want to marry you and have kids, and that's what you want, I suspect that you should start looking for someone who wants the same as yourself, or else commit to the sort of partnership you have.

But as every other poster has said, you need to discuss this, clarify it, get it sorted one way or the other. 29: time to make a move.

axer

Propose to him. Make him give you an answer - if not straight away then set a length of time by which he must give the answer. Then you know.

Caliden

Why not get married officialy now, like you said in a registry office, and move into this house and have kids. Years down the line when you're less strained for money you can have a proper wedding ceremony when you can afford it.

little miss

I'm really starting to doubt how blissfully happy both of you are if this is such an issue. Seriously, just sort it and talk about it properly before it escalates. 29 is still young. And at least he is giving you plenty of commitment! Just no harm having a timescale in place. My advice - talk to him properly about this. Explain how you are feeling. And come up with a plan that will work for both of you. Marriage isn't everything. But I can understand that you want to know what's going on.

Carrigart Exile

Molly001 wrote:

I've asked him! I'm not the type of girl that need a romantic weekend away and a big proposal at all. If he said to me tomorrow, lets go to a registry office next sat I'll be there. But he won't cause he knows deep down i'd love a nice wedding but if it was a big wedding or not marrying him I would go with whatever he chooses, no hesitation!!!. Public appearences are not his thing and I appreciate that and have waited patiently for a number of years (I'm 29 btw) however, If I keep on the way we are going I'm just afraid i'm wasting my time.
I have said it to him, sometimes he tells me to just wait (for the past 18 months) other days he gets annoyed. Don't get me wrong, I dont want to bully anyone into marrying me but at the same point if he's not going to commit then I don't want to waste my time.

He's been with you for 9 years, that looks like commitment to me. Marraige can be financial suicide for men thanks to todays divorce laws

Seraphina

i cant understand how you can confuse marraige with commitment?

the two are not mutually exclusive, in fact alot of marraiges these days are crap.
9 years and planning on buying a house and having kids? looks like commitment to me.
why the hell do you need a piece of paper to validate your relationship? why can you not have kids if you're not married?

Wookie

I know he loves me and wants kids

he let slip when drunk that we'd be engaged within the year

ah you wouldn't want to get engaged so soon after everyone

he has wanted to move from our apartment into a house as its a better place to raise kids but with a financial strain a move will put on us, a wedding is just not feasible in the next few years

If he had never mentioned getting engaged etc it would be a different kettle of fish. But you say he has, so... I don't think this is a case of needing to bully or trick or pressure him into something. From what you have said he does want to do this. You just need to talk to him and explain how you are feeling.

iguana

Molly001 wrote:

If he said to me tomorrow, lets go to a registry office next sat I'll be there. But he won't cause he knows deep down i'd love a nice wedding but if it was a big wedding or not marrying him I would go with whatever he chooses, no hesitation!!!. Public appearences are not his thing and I appreciate that and have waited patiently for a number of years (I'm 29 btw) however, If I keep on the way we are going I'm just afraid i'm wasting my time.

That actually seems to me to be the problem here. If you accept the fact that you can't afford a big wedding and your priority is to get married soon and have children after that then you need to make this clear. Just tell him that while sure you would love a big wedding, you would love it in the same way as you would love a big house in Ranelagh, for example. The reality of the situation is that houses are expensive, weddings are expensive and children are expensive. So you recognise that if having children sooner rather than later is important to you (and also a biological issue) you would rather have a small wedding now and concentrate your cash on getting a family home.

And having a "nice" wedding doesn't mean spending a lot of cash. I've been to plenty of boring weddings that the bride and groom spent three years saving for or (in most cases) paying back, and I've been to some great ones which cost very little.

Zebra3

OP,

Sounds to me that you just want the attention/glamour of your own wedding. "But my friends are all engaged". That's the type of comment that'll make him dig his heals in. blokes aren't interested in doing something just cos their girlfriends mates are.

You seem to have the commitment from him for a future together already.

My mate's girlfriend goes on about how long they are together (they're living together in his place!) and how it's shocking they're not engaged when X, Y and Z are. She goes on and on about it in front of anyone and everyone including strangers in bars.

Take the hint at this stage. He doesn't ever want to get married. Is it that important to you that you'll throw away all you have for a big day out with a €20k bill and a legal document?

josianne42

Hi there, I'm in a very similar situation. My finance and I have been together for about 5/6 years and 2 years ago he proposed on holiday...I said yes and 2 yrs later we are no closer to getting married. We had agreed at some point last year that we would marry in August this year (2007) but everytime I start talking about it he clams up, gets in a foul mood and stares at the floor!!! I have explained that weddings take a lot of organising and that's why I wanted to get prepared now but he just kept giving me poor excuses about why we shouldn't (money/timing etc)...I even offered to pay for the whole thing myself!!!!
Last night when he was drunk and we were at a bloomin wedding (!!!) everyone was asking us when we were going to be having our big day and he wouldn't answer anyone, so I piped up 'NEVER...please don't talk about it anymore..' and left it at that......I quiety said to him why we can't and he said that he wants to 'go with the flow' and 'see what happens' ......why the bloody hell did he propose to me if he wanted to go with the flow???? I was quite happy to 'go with the flow' before he ruined it and put this pressure on me....now I can't stop thinking that he doesn't want to marry me at all even though he tells me he does?? HELP ME CAUSE I'M GOING CRAZY!!!!! Oh, and if I fell pregnant he'd "be the happiest man in the world"...explain that then????

seka

am in a similar situation myself, and it's tough coming to the reality that why buy the cow when the milk is free. basically thinking from his perspective what is the incentive to get married, it's obviously different from the female persp but i think generally that blokes don't look at the same situation in the same way and that makes things tougher to get them to understand where we're coming from, so my advice is call his bluff and show him what he's missing what ever way you can that works for you.

Carrigart Exile

seka wrote:

am in a similar situation myself, and it's tough coming to the reality that why buy the cow when the milk is free. basically thinking from his perspective what is the incentive to get married, it's obviously different from the female persp but i think generally that blokes don't look at the same situation in the same way and that makes things tougher to get them to understand where we're coming from, so my advice is call his bluff and show him what he's missing what ever way you can that works for you.

That could be a two edged sword, there's many a lonely marraige, yet OP sounds like she has a great and committed relationship.

ntlbell

Why do you have to get married before you have kids?

Is it a religious issue?

iguana

ntlbell wrote:

Why do you have to get married before you have kids?

Is it a religious issue?

There are a lot of legal issues as far as rights (or lack of rights) of unmarried fathers.

Sleepy

Have a little patience woman. The guy's clearly commited to you and will propose at some stage but tbh, if it was me the constant badgering would put me off doing it completely...

Which is more important to you, your relationship or having a 'big day'?

He's suggesting moving into a bigger house so you can have kids together, it's not like he's about to go anywhere.

Get over yourself tbh.