I'm all outta love..

LegacyUser

Hey everybody, I'm really hoping somebody can guide me in the right direction or can at least relate to my problem. This is wrecking my head and breaking my heart. It's hard to explain, but here goes..

I've been with my boyfriend for 4 years and love him deeply, I'm 26 and he's 29. We don't live together, we are both renting with friends. Up until about 2 weeks ago, everything was going great with us. I found him sexy, funny, intelligent and was happiest when in his company. This all changed quite abruptly roughly 2 weeks ago. I met him for dinner in town and when he walked into the restaurant, I didn't feel any desire towards him. We're usually a very affectionate couple but throughout dinner, I had no urge to touch him and everything he was saying was annoying me. I made my excuse that night and went home alone. Since then, anytime I've been around him, he's been irratating me. I keep pulling away when he touches me and don't really wanna have sex with him.
He's goping away this weekend and I'm actually gald cause it will give me space to clear my head. Ususally I'd be upset cause I'd miss him and we'd have passionate sex before he goes but now I don't want to. I don't understand what's happeneing to me. Is it normal for feelings to change so abruptly or could this just be a phase? I don't want to tell him about my doubts because I'm hoping they'll go away and I don't wanna hurt him unnecessarily. He knows somethings up but I keep pretending I'm fine.
Can anybody help me figure out what to do? Thanks for reading and all replies are welcome, even if you just wanna tell me I'm a cold bitch..

Wibbs

lovelost wrote:

Hey everybody, I'm really hoping somebody can guide me in the right direction or can at least relate to my problem. This is wrecking my head and breaking my heart. It's hard to explain, but here goes..

I've been with my boyfriend for 4 years and love him deeply, I'm 26 and he's 29. We don't live together, we are both renting with friends. Up until about 2 weeks ago, everything was going great with us. I found him sexy, funny, intelligent and was happiest when in his company. This all changed quite abruptly roughly 2 weeks ago. I met him for dinner in town and when he walked into the restaurant, I didn't feel any desire towards him. We're usually a very affectionate couple but throughout dinner, I had no urge to touch him and everything he was saying was annoying me. I made my excuse that night and went home alone. Since then, anytime I've been around him, he's been irratating me. I keep pulling away when he touches me and don't really wanna have sex with him.
He's goping away this weekend and I'm actually gald cause it will give me space to clear my head. Ususally I'd be upset cause I'd miss him and we'd have passionate sex before he goes but now I don't want to. I don't understand what's happeneing to me. Is it normal for feelings to change so abruptly or could this just be a phase? I don't want to tell him about my doubts because I'm hoping they'll go away and I don't wanna hurt him unnecessarily. He knows somethings up but I keep pretending I'm fine.
Can anybody help me figure out what to do? Thanks for reading and all replies are welcome, even if you just wanna tell me I'm a cold bitch..

I don't think you're a cold bitch by any stretch. The fact that your heads wrecked is sign of that.

This can happen with people, both men and women. Sometimes it's a symptom of boredom with the relationship setting in. The first thing I would suggest is not acting on it for the moment. I'm going to get flamed for this, but I feel more women get this sudden turnoff with no "logical" reason to them behind it than men. More to the point they are more likely to jump on the basis of this sudden feeling. The best thing to do is wait and see. Give it a month. You don't want to leave him and then realise he was right for you. I've heard that one too often for comfort.

It could be a phase or an outward expression of an inner issue between you. Question; would you have preferred to have moved in together before now? It could be a feeling of lack of commitment from him that's driving this.

Have you met someone else that may attract you more? Are you stressed in your own life in some way? Have you lost your circle of friends since you've been with him? has he changed physically or emotionally with you in the last few months? If you still liked his company, but didn't like him physically(or visa versa), that would be one thing. The fact that you have completely done an about face on both fronts is a little strange.

There is always a trigger for these kind of things. It may seem like it's out of the blue but I'd bet money, if you look back in the recent past you'll find some issue that has come to a head with this sudden turnoff. This sudden turnaround has a basis in something in your relationship. The trick is to work out what it is and try to see if it's something that can be overcome.

LegacyUser

Thanks Wibbs, I've been racking my brains trying to think if anything of significance has changed in the last few weeks but it hasn't. He's a good looking guy, there's no doubt about that, but I've just lost my lust for him. I haven't met anybody else that I'm more attracted to so it's not that.
We've talked about moving in together but I don't want to. I'm of the opinion that it's better to have your own space and not see each other too often otherwise the romance and excitment could wear off. Familiararity breeds contempt and all that...
I just don't know why I'm not into him anymore, he's done nothing wrong...

Mr. Incognito

Familiararity breeds contempt and all that...

Exactly that. What have you been doing for the last 4 years only the same ol, same ol. People moving into together is a natural progression. As it is your relationship is stagnant. You're doing the same things.

You talk about losing your lust for him and having passionate sex before he goes. It sounds like the honey moon period has worn off. After that comes the best bits, the deep bond. Knowing that someone is your committed partner. You need to freshen up your relationship and that means biting the bullet, dropping your preconcieved notions and taking it to the next step. You should move in.

Marksie

lovelost wrote:

Thanks Wibbs, I've been racking my brains trying to think if anything of significance has changed in the last few weeks but it hasn't. He's a good looking guy, there's no doubt about that, but I've just lost my lust for him. I haven't met anybody else that I'm more attracted to so it's not that.
We've talked about moving in together but I don't want to. I'm of the opinion that it's better to have your own space and not see each other too often otherwise the romance and excitment could wear off. Familiararity breeds contempt and all that...
I just don't know why I'm not into him anymore, he's done nothing wrong...

Maybe it wasn't so sudden. It is possible that it may be something that has growing for a while, something you have either ignored or has flown below the radar until just at some point it has just struck you.
Whether you have been thinking in the background as you have been discussing moving in and it has been bubbling away.

Certainly i have heard of people literally waking up one morning and looking at their partner and realising that it had just gone.

Certainly you should have alook at if this is a permanent or temporary state. If it is permanent then you have to decide if you are going to go further. If its temporary, or may be temporary, step back and try to rediscover what it was you fancied about him in the first place.

best of luck

wirelessdude

this happened to me....3 months ago i had decided to ask herself to marry me on the night in question i ended up in really bad form and ended up saying something really really hurtful to her and pardon the french but it has obviously gone tits up since.....have recked my head since to think why when i decided to ask her to marry me did i deliberately provoke the breakup...can't give any real reason....

have come to the conclusion that crap just happens

digitally-yours

I would say just dont Analyse your BF all the time.
some time give him benifit of the doubt.

MAy be ur doing this coz u fancy someone else ?

very very strange ! I cant think of acting like this.

May be talk to him not directly but indirectly and tell him to cheer u up.

After 4 years he should be able to do that

tbh

SetantaL wrote:

You need to freshen up your relationship and that means biting the bullet, dropping your preconcieved notions and taking it to the next step. You should move in.

no disrespect but I don't think she should do that AT ALL! That would be a classic example of your head over-riding your heart, and it almost never works, in my experience anyway. OP, it's an awful position to be in, but the difference between you and a cold-hearted bitch is that you obviously care about your boyfriend, and I'm betting if you could fix this, you would.

I wish I could tell you how to fix it, somebody said you should try to rediscover your initial feelings for him - thats a good idea. But at the same time, not all relationships last, and maybe this is one of them. It's not your fault, but it's your responsibility to act properly to your boyfriend - don't string him along and don't provoke fights in the hope he'll split up with you? remember you may be on the other end of the ..eh...whatever one day, and it's nothing personal, just the way things go sometimes.

if you do decide to have a break, make sure you know what you are giving up, but I feel for you, it's not a nice position to be in. I wish you all the best - listen to your heart at the end of the day. That's just me tho.

Call Me Jimmy

take a year off and go travelling.

Jumpy

4 years is a long time for a honeymoon period, but it looks like its just ended. DO NOT focus on it. You are getting yourself intp a panic and it comes to the forefront of your mind. Happens in EVERY relationship, doesnt always have a happy ending, but you should try and work through it. If you suggest a break, be prepared for him to lose trust in you. If you get back together, it will be a long time before he trusts you not to do it again. Hope this helps.

Kell

lovelost wrote:

Can anybody help me figure out what to do?

Short answer is no. Longer answer as follows-

Dont keep pretending everything is OK. Tell him your concerns and have an open conversation about it. Additionally, sit down and work out the pro'd and con's of what you like/dislike about him.

Its been four years, so ye probably know what you ate last night by the smell of your poo by now, so it would be a step too far to just move on at the moment methinks.

As Mark said, you "might" just have fallen out of love and never get it back or you may need to just remind yourself what it is you love about this guy.

Ponder some more methinks. If you're a month down the line and still feeling the same way, I would be looking for the escape route TBH.

Best of luck.

K-

Adyx

This sounds exactly like what happened to me except we were only going out about a year. And it was my girlfriend who abruptly stopped loving me. Un fortunately she broke up with me. Everything seemed to be great, then one day bam! "I dont love you anymore".

Wibbs

lovelost wrote:

I've been racking my brains trying to think if anything of significance has changed in the last few weeks but it hasn't. He's a good looking guy, there's no doubt about that, but I've just lost my lust for him. I haven't met anybody else that I'm more attracted to so it's not that.

I agree with marksuttonie on this. There is something that has caused this shift in your feelings. You don't just decide out of nowhere that you don't find them attractive anymore.

We've talked about moving in together but I don't want to. I'm of the opinion that it's better to have your own space and not see each other too often otherwise the romance and excitment could wear off. Familiararity breeds contempt and all that...

Yes well I can partially see where you're coming from. that said, for two people in luuurve and all that jazz, the natural progression seems to be aiming towards spending more time together, not less. In fact, in such cases, seeing each other more tends to make for more intimacy, not less. Now everyone is different and every relationship is different so what greases other peoples gears may not do it for you. Your mileage may differ. What I'm trying to say(oh oh here comes the point, finally ) is that I'm concerned that your relationship is based on an arms length kind of idea. You liked him, the passion was great, but the thought of spending more time with him was a step too far. At the 4 year point, I would say that's unusual.

As SetantaL wrote, the honeymoon period may be over. I would add that maybe that's what you have been afraid of. That's why the whole "Familiararity breeds contempt and all that" concept is an issue. TBH I would say that with the right person familiarity breeds feelings of warmth, safety and intimacy that infatuation, no matter how long it lasts, can never hope to equal.

I just don't know why I'm not into him anymore, he's done nothing wrong...

It's a good chance that he hasn't done anything wrong. It's a good chance that neither have you. It could be that both of you have not found the person that you want "more" with. I may be talking through my arse here(as per usual), but I would say that after an emotional investment of 4 years together I would try to work or at least think on that.