DIYphilia...a warning to the younger brothers.

DublinWriter

Younger brothers, you will have noticed the changes in your body as you grow older, hair growing where there wasn’t any before, things dropping a little lower and other things just completely falling off.

However, the scariest time-bomb you face will be the one I call Diyphilia. The symptoms of this change normally manifest themselves in your late 20’s/early 30’s.

Here’s how it works:

As a child, you were once brought kicking and screaming into branches of Woodies, Altantic or B&Q of a rainy gray Sunday afternoon by the ‘rents.

Now, as a man-child, when you walk alone into such places of your own free will you start to get tingly feelings in your fingertips and giddy butterflies in your stomach at the sight of all those power tools and implements for grilling raw-meat in the outdoors.

That’s when you know you’ve got Diyphilia.

The first golden rule of DIYphilia is one you start a DIY project, never finish it. The more projects you have on the go concurrently, the better. DIYphilia should be a compulsion that threatens to end your relationship on an ongoing basis, especially every weekend.

The sound of power tools should always been accompanied by shouting and crying (not necessarily yours).

The second golden rule is that projects should be over-ambitious and lack any useful practicality. New fitted wardrobe? Pah! Convert the garage into a den, complete with bar, snooker-table and pole-dancing area. Fit a new kitchen? Pish. Build a mini F1 go-cart racing track in the back garden instead.

The third and most important golden rule of Diyphilia is that you should never let any knowledge or practical skills in the field of DIY ever get in the way of you commencing a project.

Diyphilia has been with us ever since Ug the caveman was henpecked enough by Mrs. Ug to chisel out a new hide-storage area in the cave. Ug beavered away for all of a back-breaking ten minutes until a chunk of rock he chiselled out looked quite circular in shape.

Ug was fascinated by this and spent many weekends fashioning this funny looking piece of rock into something completely flat and circular in shape. The circular object Ug invented would change humanity forever.

Mrs. Ug never got her hide-storage area, but instead, we got the beer-coaster.

AlmightyCushion

And where would we be without it. *places pint back down on coaster*

crosstownk

Great advice and I agree with it entirely. I have many projects which are works-in-progress and will probably never be finished.

I find some of the best projects are ones that were thought of while walking around Woodies etc looking for materials for a completely different project. If you manage this correctly you will be sure to have many works-in-progress. It is also a good idea to buy beer before starting any project and consuming it while you work. This way you won't over exert yourself as you will need to stop using the power tools as the cans empty. What would really help is if the DIY shops sold beer at the checkout. This would avoid unnecessary stopping off at the off licence on the way home.

As it's a bank holiday weekend, you should have at least 2 more works-in-progress by Tuesday. And remember, if you happen to be starting an outdoor project, don't leave the beer in direct sunlight - beer doesn't like that and in some circumstances it can lead to wasting of beer which is a mortal sin for which you will not be forgiven.

Slow Motion

crosstownk wrote:

And remember, if you happen to be starting an outdoor project, don't leave the beer in direct sunlight - beer doesn't like that and in some circumstances it can lead to wasting of beer which is a mortal sin for which you will not be forgiven.

As you're going to be in Woodies anyway, why not get that beer cooler you've being eyeing up recently ! That should sort the above problem out, and remember kids ! Power tools are not just for Christmas, they're for every weekend !:D

crosstownk

Slow Motion wrote:

As you're going to be in Woodies anyway, why not get that beer cooler you've being eyeing up recently !

Oh yes - good idea! And while I'm at it I can get the necessary bits and pieces to build a cabinet to put it in - which I will only half assemble and then leave 'for another day'. Another work-in-progress

Slow Motion

crosstownk wrote:

Oh yes - good idea! And while I'm at it I can get the necessary bits and pieces to build a cabinet to put it in - which I will only halfass emble and then leave 'for another day'. Another work-in-progress

Now you're thinkin' right

brianthebard

pfft, late 20s, I got this when I was 13-14. I have a black and decker bench and a jigsaw and some other tools, plus material and projects that I drew plans for and everything that haven't been finished 6 years later....I feel old now.

Thrill

I have bought many a new power tool with great intensions in mind. There still
new and for the most part almost totally unused.

They're lovely to look at though.

Archeron

I am pleased to have found this thread, as only today, I began my own private version of the hanging gardens of babylon in my back garden. My knowledge of plants has been described my garden centre employees as "horrendous" but nonetheless, I have a vision, and nothing will stop me piling the bricks ever higher. In the unlikely event of it ever being actually finished, I will let nature choose what is to grow there as we all know its a tough old world, and I only want the strongest of leafy things in my mega-structure.
Tomorrow I hope to begin work on finding a way to cool the pond water down sufficiently so it can act as an outdoor beer cooler so avoid having to go all the way into the house for a fresh six pack.

Interceptor

Meh. I thought from the opening paragraph that this was going to be something interesting about w4nking...

Everyone starts DIY they never finish. My wife still has the sleeve of a jumper and a bag of wool she bought in 1987 - its an epidemic of laziness and it doesn't just affect the disaffected...

'cptr

smashey

I bought a screwdriver once. Mmmmmm.

DarkJager

I'm gonna give this bird beside me a srewdriver tonight brothers, forgive me for the flesh is weak and I'm gonna **** her senseless :L

SligoBrewer

duly noted dw

The Ritz

I'm gonna give this bird beside me a srewdriver tonight brothers, forgive me for the flesh is weak and I'm gonna **** her senseless :L

.....Well, are you finished yet, or is it another "work in progress"......



Ritz.

Thrill

Interceptor wrote:

Meh. I thought from the opening paragraph that this was going to be something interesting about w4nking...

Easy mistake to make really. After all, we are talking about our tools.

hjsimpson

my keen interest in diy started about five years ago when my wife bought me a black and decker drill............im going to open the box next week and see what it looks like

Zaph

Don't rush it brother, I suggest that you limit yourself to digging the box out from under whatever has accumulated on it next week. Opening the box suggests intent to use it, even if it's just to drill one hole. You need to be fully prepared for that - another month or two should do it.