Do things really have to be like this with bf?...

LegacyUser

My boyfriend and I have been going out for 7 months. I feel like I've been contacting him more/ being more affectionate towards him etc. It's not balanced. When I don't contact him... it could be 4 days before I get a text off of him.
I'd like if he gave me more attention, but I don't know how to get this across to him without coming across as being needy/ or a nag. Anybody know how?

I'd like him to be more affectionate around me etc (not just if it's leading to something). But if it's not coming naturally, is there a point?

He still hasn't told me he loves me either+ I think I do love him. I'm thinking about breaking if off though, as it appears to be unrequited....

We're both not the best at communicating this sort of thing... +if I said anything I know if would make him probably really uncomfortable...

SarahSassy

It doesnt appear that he is putting in half the effort the reason being that he may not think he needs to - you are doing all the work for him. Men are not like women in the way they approach relationship IMHO. Women tend to want to give, give and give to show their affection and men tend to be happy to take. What happens then is that women can get p'd off from giving and start getting dissatisfied and unhappy. This looks like your scenario here....

The second scenario may be that he is just not that interested in you and you are keeping the life in the relationship....

I think if i were you, I would get really busy, catch up with friend, fill up your time and let him notice that you are not running after him. One of two things will happen (a) he will miss you around and come looking for you or (b) he wont bother and if its scenario (b) then you are better off without him really.

Carrigart Exile

SarahSassy wrote:

It doesnt appear that he is putting in half the effort the reason being that he may not think he needs to - you are doing all the work for him. Men are not like women in the way they approach relationship IMHO. Women tend to want to give, give and give to show their affection and men tend to be happy to take. What happens then is that women can get p'd off from giving and start getting dissatisfied and unhappy. This looks like your scenario here....

Don't want to hijack your post OP but Sarah, catch on at yersel, when did you become a man.

Jesus Wept

SarahSassy wrote:

Women tend to want to give, give and give to show their affection and men tend to be happy to take.

this comes down to the person, not the gender Sarah.


Break if off with him OP, you can do better.

Jumpy

The-Rigger wrote:

this comes down to the person, not the gender Sarah.


Break if off with him OP, you can do better.

Heh. If everyone who posted in PI broke it off because another boards member told them to, there would be a lot fewer relationships.
Contrary to popular belief, breaking up is not always the answer.

Jesus Wept

Jumpy wrote:

Heh. If everyone who posted in PI broke it off because another boards member told them to, there would be a lot fewer relationships.
Contrary to popular belief, breaking up is not always the answer.

Ok, well, it was my opinion, not an order, I trusted the OP would understand that.

In this case, it is the best answer IMO. The boyfriend doesn't seem all that bothered. She is more into him than he is into her, it's not a recipe for success.

Jumpy wrote:

there would be a lot fewer relationships.

I wouldn't see that as a bad thing. There would be less relationships, but they would be stronger.

Squall

Women tend to want to give, give and give to show their affection and men tend to be happy to take

Mmmmmmmm generalisation :P

OP. Has it always been like this? If so then it may just be his personality. He could just be the strong silent type who doesnt like to show his affection..... that doesnt mean its not there.

How is when hes around you... texting and phoning etc is one thing but if hes still "cold" while your around then I would start to worry

Otacon

wudlikeifBF wrote:

...if I said anything I know if would make him probably really uncomfortable...

Uncomfortable? At least give him the option to change and work it out with you before you break up with him.

vorbis

wudlikeifBF, I find it a bit odd that in one breath you can mention you love him and the next you say you're thinking of breaking it off ?

As a guy, my gf contacts me a fair bit more than I would her. I wouldn't leave 4 days go by without a text though. I haven't told her I loved her because I'm not in love with her yet (been going out with her 3 months)

It takes different amount of time for someone to say "I love you". You haven't told him that you love him! Besides what is meant by showing more affection anyways. Thats pretty vague.

SarahSassy

Carrigart Exile wrote:

SarahSassy wrote:

It doesnt appear that he is putting in half the effort the reason being that he may not think he needs to - you are doing all the work for him. Men are not like women in the way they approach relationship IMHO. Women tend to want to give, give and give to show their affection and men tend to be happy to take. What happens then is that women can get p'd off from giving and start getting dissatisfied and unhappy. This looks like your scenario here....

Don't want to hijack your post OP but Sarah, catch on at yersel, when did you become a man.

How do you know I am not a man????

Anyway, thought this was a public forum where men and women are entitled to have an opinion.... Enough time wasting and why dont you expend your energy by replying to the OP instead of nitpicking and being patronising.

SarahSassy

The-Rigger wrote:

this comes down to the person, not the gender Sarah.
QUOTE]

I am generalising and taking from my own experiences and those of my friends....

axer

How is he when he is with you in person?

LegacyUser

'

vorbis wrote:

wudlikeifBF, I find it a bit odd that in one breath you can mention you love him and the next you say you're thinking of breaking it off ?

As a guy, my gf contacts me a fair bit more than I would her. I wouldn't leave 4 days go by without a text though. I haven't told her I loved her because I'm not in love with her yet (been going out with her 3 months)

It takes different amount of time for someone to say "I love you". You haven't told him that you love him! Besides what is meant by showing more affection anyways. Thats pretty vague.

Well, even if I love him... (when I said 'think'.. I'm not sure I know what love is... I want to be near him.. I think about him all the time.. etc), I still can logically see that it might be better to break up... as it's completely wrecking me head+ By saying anything.. I'm going to come across as being a nag/needy etc. But I won't throw things away just like that... the thought of breaking up will pop into my head (but it's just me freaking out a little, on the inside...)
I know that I'll try and work things out first, as I want them to work. What Sarah said is good advice.. I'll give it time+ see if he makes an effort to text or meet up etc. I'm not going to contact him first+ see how long he leaves it for.

Axer.. when he's in person with me... he's really nice (but if we're in a group of people in the pub... he wouldn't notice if I went missing for 2 hours... this happened before... I was with him+ his friends... and I'm sort of shy (but I do make an effort too).. + I went to get some air and ran into more people I know... later that night he said 'where did you go' + that he was going to text me but.. he got distracted...
It's just that if that was the other way around+ I had invited him to something with my friends+ he vanished for 2 hrs, I'd see if he was ok etc...

If I'm going out with someone, I want to feel that I mean the world to them.
I'm 100% happy, on my own.. but when I'm going out with someone, I tend to be way too picky perhaps...

Thanks for the replies people'

Wibbs

wudlikeifBF wrote:

'

Well, even if I love him... (when I said 'think'.. I'm not sure I know what love is... I want to be near him.. I think about him all the time.. etc),

That sounds like infatuation to me TBH. Love is more than that. For me I would say it's all of the above and a sharing of intimacy, a sharing of all the emotions you both feel for each other and the rest of the world. A deep connection on many levels with another human being.

I still can logically see that it might be better to break up... as it's completely wrecking me head+

Why the extreme of breaking up? You do need to talk to him. If you think you can't talk to him, the you're barely friends never mind lovers.

By saying anything.. I'm going to come across as being a nag/needy etc.

Then simply make the choice not to come accross as needy and nagging. Just simply state your case. It's easier than it sounds.

But I won't throw things away just like that... the thought of breaking up will pop into my head (but it's just me freaking out a little, on the inside...)

That's natural, but at this early stage not a good sign.

I know that I'll try and work things out first, as I want them to work.

If I were you I would ask myself honestly why you want it to work. If you're not sure if you know what love is, if you're not sure if he loves you, are you just trying to make this work for the wrong reasons?

What Sarah said is good advice.. I'll give it time+ see if he makes an effort to text or meet up etc. I'm not going to contact him first+ see how long he leaves it for.

Good plan.

Axer.. when he's in person with me... he's really nice (but if we're in a group of people in the pub... he wouldn't notice if I went missing for 2 hours... this happened before... I was with him+ his friends... and I'm sort of shy (but I do make an effort too).. + I went to get some air and ran into more people I know... later that night he said 'where did you go' + that he was going to text me but.. he got distracted...

That can happen. If it happens more than once, it is a very bad sign.

It's just that if that was the other way around+ I had invited him to something with my friends+ he vanished for 2 hrs, I'd see if he was ok etc...

And you're not sure what love is and if you are in love with this guy. What does this tell you?

If I'm going out with someone, I want to feel that I mean the world to them.

At the very least.

I'm 100% happy, on my own.. but when I'm going out with someone, I tend to be way too picky perhaps...

The guy who you love appears to be emotionally distant and takes you for granted after only 7 months and you think you're being picky? I would suggest if you were 100% happy with yourself then you wouldn't put up with that.

Thanks for the replies people'

Marksie

wudlikeifBF wrote:

'
If I'm going out with someone, I want to feel that I mean the world to them.

That may be the telling statement.

I am not suggesting that there isn't an issue there, as certainly if a partner was with me and my friends i would not leave it for two hours before wondering where she had gone to.
That is certainly something for both of you to discuss openly.

On the other hand some of your statements lead me to the assumption that you cannot accept that your SO may not be as expressive as your self.

There is a strong sense of well i am giving A B C in this relationship and expect X Y Z in return. In other words your feelings and the strength of them is predicated by an equally strong return of affection, or at least a display of affection. (sure, he could by you a big bunch of flowers every week, but then would it mean anything?)

Axer asked an interesting question, how is it when you two are alone, are displays of affection limited to the presumption that sex will follow? or are there small subliminal gestures, smiles, hand holding, the really tiny things?

One option, and it may be quite new to you is to accept the other for who they are. To continue, but not to expect anything in return. Be open and just express yourself how you feel you should and allow him to express himself and give what he is able and willing to give. You cannot measure the depth of feeling someone has for another and place it on the weighing scales and determine if its an equal measure.

I attempt to work my friendships and relationships that way. If there is an issue as you described above, its talked about. Not in relation to you dont love me as much, but dealing with the specific issue. By setting no preconditions then you are allowoing things to develop naturally it also enables you to say, no i am sorry that is too much for me at the moment. So it cuts both ways.
Of course if you feel that it is too much for you and he cannot give you the support that we all need at times, then move on.

SarahSassy wrote:

am generalising and taking from my own experiences and those of my friends....

and it therefore becomes a self reinforcing perception acting as an effective block in that you are entering any relationship with this preconception quoted in your first post in the thread.

Kell

wudlikeifBF wrote:

If I'm going out with someone, I want to feel that I mean the world to them.

No I think what you are saying here is that "I am 100% needy and if my BF doesnt give in to my needs 100% of the time, then he is not really into the relationship".

I would love to have a relationship where my partner would fúck off for a while. You're on a night out. You dont need to be glued to eachothers hip.

wudlikeifBF wrote:

and I'm sort of shy

And therefore prone to neediness. Stop projecting your insecurities onto your BF.

At the end of the day, you need to decide do I want someone in my life who behaves less that what I want. Its a simple yes or no. Maybe when you recognise that you are being needy and piney you might decide on the better answer.

K-

Kell

marksuttonie wrote:

To continue, *but not to expect anything in return. Be open and just express yourself how you feel you should and allow him to express himself and give what he is able and willing to give. You cannot measure the depth of feeling someone has for another and place it on the weighing scales and determine if its an equal measure.

I think you will have lost most folk roundabout *there Mark. There arent many that actually "get" the unconditional thing. They pretend they do, then you see them here unable to see the wood for the trees.

The poor souls. Lets together and say a prayer, or even two.

Amen.

K-

Marksie

Kell wrote:

I think you will have lost most folk roundabout *there Mark. There arent many that actually "get" the unconditional thing. They pretend they do, then you see them here unable to see the wood for the trees.

The poor souls. Lets together and say a prayer, or even two.

Amen.

K-

Ahh but it might get em to think about what it means.

Your turn to think of a two line summary of the post :-)

Kell

marksuttonie wrote:

Your turn to think of a two line summary of the post :-)

Give freely, free of expectations of return intentions.

marksuttonie wrote:

Ahh but it might get em to think about what it means.

People on here think? That'd be a first LOL

K-

LegacyUser

Thanks.
Yeah, my eyes have been really opened... about loving some one unconditionally. Without any expectations. The way it should be.
I think things will be ok. All the time I was thinking 'it should be a certain way'. I must stop assuming stuff, as the guy isn't a mind reader etc. I'll try and look at things subjectively as best I can+ see the bigger picture. + in a weeks time (like if he hasn't contacted me in days), if I'm not happy about how things are going I'll try and speak with him+ see what he thinks about stuff.
It's just that a guy broke up with me before, as I think I was too much of a walk over. He said he could get away with out doing alot in the relationship+ needed to feel that he'd get dumped if he didn't pull his weight. I think that this is making me take less c*** when I'm going out with someone since...

Marksie

wudlikeifBF wrote:

Thanks.
Yeah, my eyes have been really opened... about loving some one unconditionally. Without any expectations. The way it should be.
I think things will be ok. All the time I was thinking 'it should be a certain way'. I must stop assuming stuff, as the guy isn't a mind reader etc. I'll try and look at things subjectively as best I can+ see the bigger picture. + in a weeks time (like if he hasn't contacted me in days), if I'm not happy about how things are going I'll try and speak with him+ see what he thinks about stuff.
It's just that a guy broke up with me before, as I think I was too much of a walk over. He said he could get away with out doing alot in the relationship+ needed to feel that he'd get dumped if he didn't pull his weight. I think that this is making me take less c*** when I'm going out with someone since...

Miracles do heppen Kell :-)


OP: Yes, great for being open enough to think about it. Hope it works out.
By the way, I am not saying that you should be a walkover, you should be able to say things, it is all about the openness.
good luck

Kell

wudlikeifBF wrote:

I'll try and look at things subjectively as best I can...

Dont you mean "objectively"?

K-

LegacyUser

Kell wrote:

Dont you mean "objectively"?

K-

Oh sorry, yes I did mean to say 'objectively'... I just said the wrong word (I'm sure people know what I meant). Apologies for not being as good at english as you, I'm not from Ireland. Oh+ you left out an apostrophe in 'don't'.

Marksie

wudlikeifBF wrote:

Apologies for not being as good at english as you, I'm not from Ireland. Oh+ you left out an apostrophe in 'don't'.

Please don't take this as a critiscism, Kell was pointing out that it was a different meaning that your sentemnce had.

A simple exercise:

Could you tell me why you felt the need to point out the dont without an apostrophe?
It is perhaps a starting point for you looking at your own way of seeing things.

Kell

marksuttonie wrote:

Please don't take this as a critiscism, Kell was pointing out that it was a different meaning that your sentemnce had.

What he said.

I wouldnt actually stoop to correct your English. Unless you annoyed me, which you havent.:D

K-

~nop~

Heya Op I have to disagree with what people before me have said.

Though you're not always going to get the feeling that you mean the world to someone right from the start, it is important to feel that they at least look out for you or appreciate you being there and the fact that you could go missing for two hours without your boyfriend even calling or texting you shows there is something seriously wrong in this relationship.

You said in that incidence that you were out with him and his mates, and also that you're a little shy - he should of being trying to make you feel involved so you would be having a good time too.

Op, you really don't sound like you know what love is, so it really would be a pity for your first love then to be this guy, who obviously doesn't have the natural instinct to simply look out for you, or to check you're alright.

I have to say on that incident alone I would be pretty unsure about keeping in the relationship.

Also it is unfortunate but true that if you are too nice there are a lot of people who will walk right over you.

If you are both uncomfortable talking to each other even after 7 months, and he's not looking out for you and you feel unhappy about the effort he's putting in I'd just get out of there or you're going to just have to deal with it.

Good luck anyway!

LegacyUser

'I was going to do the whole not contacting him until he got in touch with me... (I tried to!)... but there had been something on my mind, so I texted him with that exact problem (it was a silly insecurity I had going on for a small while, but had never mentioned)... + it was SO easy to sort out. Unbelievable. I think the whole communication thing is somewhat more open.

The insecurity thing I texted him about led him to believe I was going to break up with him... as if I was trying to sort of pick a fight over nothing... so I explained how much he meant to me etc (+ that the week before, an old friend had told me they had feelings for me+ I told them that I liked my boyfriend too much). I think my bf was happy to hear that... + when we hung out the other day, I definitely know he really does care about me, so horray, I couldn't be happier+ I think things are better than ever. Thanks'