will i ever accept my fate?

LegacyUser

Until the age of 16, I was normal. When I was 16, a couple of times I heard voices that weren't really there. Then I had a couple of major life changes and glandular fever. I developed severe depression. At 17, I attempted suicide and failed, though my attempt had been so serious that I was kept in hospital for a week to repair the damage I had done myself.

I was given anti depressants and eventually felt better and stopped taking them with my doctor's agreement. I have never felt depression like that since. However I never totally recovered from either the depression or the glandular fever (it left me with cfs which isn't that bad now, but still doesn't help.)

Although I managed to pull my life back together, I always felt discontented and always wished I hadn't been born. But some years later, I had a few very strong "mystical revelations" (for want of a better phrase) where I felt "God" reveal itself to me. It fel amazing. Worried I was insane, I spoke to a priest, a counsellor and a religious friend about it. They assured me everything that had happened during my revelations was normal for people who undergo that type of thing, and I should take it as real.

But now I veer between feeling good and feeling a little despair. Each comes on for no reason. I may feel hopeful and excited one day, then even though nothing has changed in my life, I may feel despair for the world and wish I had never been born the next. The feelings are not severe enoughto be manic depression, plus I don't have any of the other symptoms associated with this disease.

I am just sick of living my life, not being able to make up my mind whether life is worth living or not. I have a good job that I enjoy well enough, a little more money than I really need, a supportive family and a few close friends, several hobbies that I enjoy and do regularly. Although I have had a few physical health problems, my life should, in theory, be great.

So why do I feel like the world is becoming a worse and worse place all the time, and like the beauty and the misery of the world are both just too much to bear? Sometimes when I see the graceful elegance of nature, or hear of a heroic deed, the hope it inspires in me feels such an equisite agony I feel I could cry, and it makes me feel like my heart is being torn to shreds. Then when I witness how harrowing the world can be, I despair and wonder why we bother living at all.

I know this isn't a medical board,I'm not asking for medical advice. I just want to know if anyone else out there feels like this or if I'm alone. I have seen a counsellor by the way, and although she's great and tries to help me make sense of things, it's just not enough. I wish I could just be normal. I don't get any pleasure at all from "normal" activities. I hate it when people try and convince me to go clubbing or to the pub. I enjoy spending time with my friends briefly, but most of the time I prefer being alone, and reading books of glorious days gone by. I try and live in a fantasy land most of the time because i don't like the real one. I just feel like this world is going to the dogs and it's just not worth fighting for any more.

DublinWriter

You maybe should volunteer to do weekend work for one of the many charities around the place.

You'll meet wonderful oddball type characters (staff and clients alike) and you'd be helping make the world a better place.

It will make you step out of yourself a little.

littlebug

The glandular fever was the part of your post that jumped out at me.
OP you haven't said how long ago you were ill? I know glandular fever can take a long long time to recover from both physically and psychologically.


Aside from this I would suggest trying to find a support group, either in real life or online….it really does help to talk to people who have been through the same thing as yourself… a problem shared etc…Or even start a thread in the long term illness forum here. I think there are some others with cfs and some who have suffered from long term depression who post there.

With regard to your revelations, it’s not something I’ve experienced but why don’t you post on the spirituality forum and you might find others who have?

You're not going to find anyone who has walked in your shoes so you won't find anyone who has exactly the same feelings as you but it will help to talk to others who have had similar experiences.

Kell

exquisiteagony wrote:

I just want to know if anyone else out there feels like this or if I'm alone.

Nah you're not alone. I too dislike much of what the world and the people that populate it have become. I am appalled to the point of distraction how folk treat eachother etc etc and plummet into dark places with the senselessness of tragic death. At the end of the day though, I know my purpose. I dont believe in god or faith, but I do believe we have a purpose. Find yours and it will become easier.

Quit looking for normality. Everyones as lost and confused as the next person. The "normal" ones just dress it up better.

K-

Marksie

exquisiteagony wrote:

I am just sick of living my life, not being able to make up my mind whether life is worth living or not.

It is worth it in the end, no matter what in the short term you feel. I don't think you truly are sick of living this life, just maybe the situation you are in now. Guess what..we all get like that at some point, some to a greater, some to a lesser extent.
The question is what are you going to do? It is not impossible or even hard to switch life paths at any age. You just have to think of something you waht to do, even if it is something part time a

exquisiteagony wrote:

So why do I feel like the world is becoming a worse and worse place all the time, and like the beauty and the misery of the world are both just too much to bear? Sometimes when I see the graceful elegance of nature, or hear of a heroic deed, the hope it inspires in me feels such an equisite agony I feel I could cry, and it makes me feel like my heart is being torn to shreds. Then when I witness how harrowing the world can be, I despair and wonder why we bother living at all.

Feeling a connection to the world and those around you is important from a personal perspective. It is important to realise that there are only so many things you as an individual can do to effect change at least initially.
The world is what it is, there is beauty there to be savoured and misery there to countered. The question i ask is which side do you choose to live your life on... we bother living because we add to it all, we are unique and irreplaceable.

exquisiteagony wrote:

I just want to know if anyone else out there feels like this or if I'm alone. .

yes at times and i guess we all do. But it is in tunring it 180 degrees where we show who we are.

exquisiteagony wrote:

I don't get any pleasure at all from "normal" activities. I hate it when people try and convince me to go clubbing or to the pub. I enjoy spending time with my friends briefly, but most of the time I prefer being alone, and reading books of glorious days gone by. .

No problem with that there as far as i am concerned. Except glorious days gone by and the present aren't necessarily separated.

exquisiteagony wrote:

I try and live in a fantasy land most of the time because i don't like the real one. I just feel like this world is going to the dogs and it's just not worth fighting for any more.

I learned to live in the now, to make the fantasy a reality for my self in terms of experience and living to the full.
Then i moved onto a different path, and i expect another and another.
Maybe you should do the same, as for changing the world.. well nothing major, perhaps the odd PI or two, but its a start.

LegacyUser

marksuttonie wrote:

It is worth it in the end, no matter what in the short term you feel. I don't think you truly are sick of living this life, just maybe the situation you are in now. Guess what..we all get like that at some point, some to a greater, some to a lesser extent.
The question is what are you going to do? It is not impossible or even hard to switch life paths at any age. You just have to think of something you waht to do, even if it is something part time a
.

But right now I am at the stage I dreamed of so long. In the place I want to live, doing the job I want to do and studying what I want to study. I still feel just as discontented as ever.

Marksie

exquisiteagony wrote:

But right now I am at the stage I dreamed of so long. In the place I want to live, doing the job I want to do and studying what I want to study. I still feel just as discontented as ever.

Then you are not in the place where you SHOULD be. Look into yourself at the source of the discontent. Then move towards resolving it.

~nop~

Tbh op, I think you think too much.

You write well. If you keep a diary though, I'd say stop it. For natural introverts and intellectuals it can be hard sometimes to cope with the world as it is, especially if you think too much about it.

It's kind of a pity that in this world the most ignorant people are the happiest.

There's not much advice I can give you here except to try and turn off a little, and that life is really worth it in the end. You'll find where you want to be. And maybe it's because you are now where you have always wanted to be that you feel so discontented, everybody needs goals after all.

LegacyUser

'tbh the one thing I really really want is the one thing I can't have. I want to live somewhere with miles and miles of unspoilt beautiful landscape with no noise or air pollution. I have moved house several times, somewhere more rural each time, and still can't get what I'm looking for. Although I said I have a bit more money than I really need to live on, I still don't have even a small fraction of the amount I would need to buy some land to live the way I want.'

Canis Lupus

~nop~ wrote:

Tbh op, I think you think too much.

What he said ^^

Quit with the oh woe is me the world is a harrowing place blah blah blah. Get a grip or become a goth, you sound suited to it. :rolleyes:

Monkey61

I know that this is not a medical advice forum but I think that it would be a good idea for you to go to a different doctor or psychiatrist as your counsellor seems to be out of her depth here. I have a psychology degree and from my experience the symptoms you describe (hearing voices, mystical revelations, combined with the depression and mood swings) could indicate an underlying medical cause as opposed to just "situational" depression. If this is the case then the lifestyle changes suggested by some of the others posting here are unlikely to make a difference on their own. Again, this is by no means expert medical advice, but the severity of your symptoms implies that this is not something that you will easily be able to shake off alone. Good luck!

LegacyUser

But with the depression and suicide attempt on my medical file already, I'm worried about how it will affect my future if the doctor writes about all the other crazy symptoms. I've already had an application to join the army rejected because of that, god knows what else it will restrict me from doing.

And to those who think I should just snap out of it, don't you think I wish it was that easy?

Kell

~nop~ wrote:

It's kind of a pity that in this world the most ignorant people are the happiest.

You can add stupid to that too. Its a damn shame.

K-

AngryBadger

Sounds like you need a change of perspective on things. Granted you have a history of health problems, but the bigger issue seems to be that you feel you should be happy but you're not, which is even more frustrating.

A lot of the time it helps to consider alternatives to things we take for granted or feel we shouldn't need to change. You don't mention if you're in a relationship or not? Maybe that's something to look at. then there's al the usual, travel, change of job, and so on.

I think we all look for meaning in life, for some there's a religious out, for others there's not. Personally I think the only meaning you'll ever find in life is the one you create yourself. That can sound like a very selfish unfulfilling purpose, but for me it's a lot better than wanting someone else to tell me what my place in the universe is.

Having said that, it's very difficult to find a place in yoru life where you like yourslef, and the life you have. but change is key, it's the only way to find what it is that makes you tick, and makes you happy.

So as someone suggested, if you think the world is crap, maybe try some volunteer work, or you don't even have to go that far since there's a million little ways you can try to improve the world around you everyday.

LegacyUser

I have done loads of travelling and seen most of the places in the world that I want to. I've also done volunteering of various different kinds but didn't feel it was really making a difference. I'm currently single, but that's ok, for now, I would rather wait for someone who's really right for me than go out with just anyone.

I've changed jobs and finally am doing what I dreamed of for a long time. It's still not enough! I want to feel like the world has a purpose, I want to feel like there's a point and that it's all going to be OK. But I actually feel the complete opposite.

Canis Lupus

Canis asshole wrote:

'

^^
Don't listen to this Dickhead.'

At least be brave enough to post regged before u insult me.

Kevster

I'm registered and I have no fear about saying that I think you are an insensitive prick.


To the original poster: Did you ever hear of Asperger's Syndrome?

dudara

I would ask all posters in this thread to display some common sense and sensitivity. Read the charter at the top of this forum if you have any questions. We do not tolerate abuse in any form in PI.

dudara

Kevster

Grand, but I am not going to sit idly while this guy makes a completely irrelevant and insensitive post that could trigger some adverse reaction in the original poster.

Kevin.

dudara

And I am not going to sit idly by and let you flaunt the rules which govern PI. You are a new enough poster here, so read the forum, read the sticky and get a feel for how we do things here.

You obviously feel strongly about issues like this, so I hope that you will continue to post in a helpful manner in PI.

dudara

Kevster

I've been with boards for 7 years and this is my second username. I don't use the other one and have already discussed this with other moderators here and they have allowed me to continue using this - my second - username.


I am also a moderator on another [psychological self-help] forum so I know how to handle things.


I won't make any such remarks again but I couldn't resist that time.


Apologies, and take care.
Kevin.

LegacyUser

'

Kevster wrote:

To the original poster: Did you ever hear of Asperger's Syndrome?

I looked it up just now. I don't have those symptoms though.'