Have you ever persued an uninterested girl and got her in the end?

LegacyUser

I always find it very amusing when people refer to the fun part of a relationship as "the chase" before anything happens. I know a few guys who once they have got a girl they think the best part of over and are often moreso on the lookout for the next one than enjoying the time with the girl they have been pursuing all that time. Not me...

You know how on TV, a guy tells a girl how he really likes her but she has no interest, but he does not seem phased at all and tells her that he is going to pursue her until her gets her in the end? He does all these things which seem to really piss her off at the start and she keeps telling him to go away and how they will never be together etc, but then one day she changes her mind and they end up mad about each other? Well, does this really happen, or it is typical movie bullshiit - has it ever happened to you?

My story:

So there is a girl who I am crazy about. I met her about 9 months ago, I was not really into her at all at first, I actually thought she liked me but just wasn't bothered. Over the next while we became very good friends and extremely close too. I then realised how special this girl was to me and then really began to like her - just about the same time as she met another guy and fell for him. Over the next few months I began to like her more and more. We still hung out loads and were very close, spending a lot of time together and having a lot of fun, but she had a boyfriend and I could not do anything about that. I ended up telling her exactly how I felt, just cause I felt I wanted to. Nothing changed, she appreciated my kind words but we went on as normal. Later we had one or two big disagreements and for a while did not talk much at all. I tried my best to get her out of my head and not think about her which was good for me for a few weeks.

Now the boyfriend is out of the picture and we are back talking and hanging out a little. I am now back to being absolutely Crazy about her. I have never ever done this before but I have decided I HAVE to pursue this girl until I get her. We are extremely close and I know the really likes me and cares about me, but maybe just "not in that way". However if I let this one get away I'll never forget it. I need to turn this around...

So my question: I am willing to do anything to get this girl. How do I go about it?
Guys, hvae you ever had a similar situation where you kept going until you got the girl? What did you do?
Girls, has this ever happened to you? What did the guy to do turn your feelings around?

In the past I have done several very sweet gestures that she really appreciated. She had a fight with her boyfriend before valentines day but I got her a rose "Cause no lady should go without a rose on Valentines Day"... Went down very well. For her birthday I bought her one of those presents that made her say "I can't believe you remembered" - she was so appreciative and she kissed me on the lips. Shall I simply overwhelm her with things like this until she realises that a guy that is willing to go this far to prove his feelings for her is worth being with so see what happens?

I've gone on on long enough, but I would appreciate any comments or advise you may have...
Thanks

LegacyUser

Shall I simply overwhelm her with things like this until she realises that a guy that is willing to go this far to prove his feelings for her is worth being with so see what happens?

you've done enough, shes not stupid she knows you like her, theres not a lot more you can do really

just kiss her.

that'll give you an answer to how she really feels about you, can't guarentee it'll be the answer you want though....

LegacyUser

i hate to break it to you buddy but you are probably in 'the friends zone'.

i was in a similar situation to you and posted a similar issue here on boards.

basically with girls you have to 'push the button' at the right moment or you lose your chance - just before you became 'good friends' with this girl you should have made a move.

now she just sees you as a friend and probably doesnt want to ruin your friendship because its not very often women can find men to confide in.

you are now her boyfriend substitute (cuddlebitch) with whom she hugs and spends evenings on the couch watching videos.

have a read of this http://www.intellectualwhores.com/masterladder.html

your original question was, if a girl is disinterested can you win her over through persisttance? i would imagine this is possible, but in your case you already won her over but didnt turn it into a relationship. now its probably too late.

i knew with my girl-friend that we were never going to happen so now i just treat her like one of my male friends (no giving her roses on valentines day or one-on-one dates at the cinema). it makes it easier to deal with my feelings for her because i realised i was confusing companionship with love.

hope that helps.

if its eating you up inside, talk to her about it. just dont freak her out by professing your love from a balcony.

The_Conductor

Errr yes.....
Shes my wife now.
I wore her down into submission

CathyMoran

Sometimes it takes a while for a girl to realise how wonderful someone is - my husband is the most wonderful man in the world and I love him totally but while I was originally attracted to him our first date did not go well, we broke up but there was just something about him. He is the best thing in my life and I adore him.

I am glad that my husband persisted, the fact that she has kissed you means something, do not give up hope.

ergo

uracuddlebitch wrote:

you are now her boyfriend substitute (cuddlebitch) with whom she hugs and spends evenings on the couch watching videos.

have a read of this http://www.intellectualwhores.com/masterladder.html

thank you for posting this link, I had forgotten about it and it's feckin hilarious ,
if you only look at one thing on the page go to the "construction of the ladder" link

LegacyUser

'You know its not just men who find women who don't realise how wonderful they are, it's the other way around too. I met a guy a year ago, and we quickly became the best of friends, soulmates if i can say without you heaving but i really mean and believe it, we were also quite a bit more than friends, verbally, because he had a girlfriend, he spoke to me more than he actually spoke to the girlfriend btw and really let me in, he didn't even have feelings for her only that she was a hell of a lot less drama than his last relationship, but fell for her over time because of habit i suppose.. anyway by the time his very on and off relationship ended (she ended it) at the begining of this year, i think it was the guilt of what i was to him while he was with someone else, or that we never really got a chance to see how things would be because there was always her in the picture but, well now he says there's absolutely nothing about me that he wouldn't go for and that he adores me, but doesn't feel anymore that he can love me, not as a girlfriend.. this obviously angers and hurts me deeply because i feel he never gave it a chance, and toyed with the emotions of someone so connected with him and who treated him like no girl ever has, because he always wanted me on the long finger while making sure that it wasn't something else he wanted..and now i guess it's too late, and not my fault that i have to cut my best and closest friend out of my life, who i am completely in love with..

You know mate, I think some people just can't open their eyes quick enough to see what's good for them, i know it cuts like hell, i can hardly function myself, but you have to believe that someday you'll find someone who isn't a complete eejit when it comes to these things.. i don't reckon she'll ever get it mate, not for you.. cut your losses m'dear, and start to find strength in yourself again..'

scoey

The ladder theory is pretty true, I reckon.

In my experience it's better to just move on to someone else. Some women just aren't interested in you, and you'll find it incredibly difficult to change that, the chances that doing things like buying her a rose on valentines day when she's had an arguement with her boyfriend and talking to her about her problems is going to make her feel differently about you are absolutely slim to none.

I know you think she's great, but in my experience guys who get that hung up on a particular girl they aren't already in a relationship with , usually don't know a lot of women/don't meet new women often. It's a lot more unlikely that you'll get hung up on a single girl if you're regularly in contact with a lot of different girls.

When I read the ladder theory a couple of years ago I was in a somewhat similar situation. I went through a period of thinking "wow women only like assholes, the world sucks" but now I think that it's more of a case that some girls like you and some girls don't and it's just a case of talking to enough so that you locate the ones who do, instead wasting your valuable time on the gargantuan and near impossible task of changing a woman who considers you "a friend" into someone who's attracted to you. When you meet somebody who does like you, the whole process should be much easier, because she will make it easier for you.

You should take a look at the iwforums on the ladder theory site, just to see just how many guys have been in similar situations to you, and that being incredibly caring and helpful and supportive almost NEVER gets a girl to change her opinion of you from "friend" to something more.

Do yourself a favour and sort this out now so that you don't become the type of guy on that forum who is about 35 and has been used by women all his life and never gotten anything in return, except some "friends" who aren't really particularly good friends anyway. It's sad but true, but you have to look out for youself, and I know it's not what you want to hear, but in this situation, I think you will find it next to impossible to turn this around, and once you accept that you may decide to actually end the "friendship" too, which I'd probably say would be in your interest.

You say if you let her get away you'll never forget it. I'm sure it seems like that now, but trust me, extract yourself from that situation and find a girl who does like you and you'll stop caring about it fairly promptly.

LegacyUser

'smccarrick has it, It can be done.... alot of head wrecking is involved though...
Best of luck, I can attest that the wait is soo worth it you wouldnt believe. However I must add a caveat don't be a complete walk over dude or else she wont respect you and to quote Gladiator "if they don't respect me how can they ever love me ?"'

Attol

Just don't confuse persistence with stalking. I had one guy do this and it scared the hell out of me. I kept telling him no in no uncertain terms and he wouldn't accept it. I started avoiding him completely, blocked him from anything I could. He started sending poetry and begging me to see him. I moved country a year ago and haven't spoken to the guy in a year and a half and he occasionally still tries emailing me and adding me to Bebo and stuff. ICK!

If you've hurt her in the past it may help her see that you've changed and that she means the world to you. If she has no interest you could ruin any friendship you've had. It's impossible to judge the outcome.

BaZmO*

Attol wrote:

Just don't confuse persistence with stalking.

lol.

It's never too late. Just tell her how you're feeling. The only reason why you didn't make a move last time was because she had a boyfriend, she doesn't have one now so go for it. If she says no at least you'll know for definite where you stand and then I think it's time to move on.

Just remember those words from Attol if you do decide to persist with this girl. Sound advice.

BoozyBabe

The man I'm gonna marry was in the 'friend' zone. He ws one of my best friends. In fact, he still is, but he's my most adorable bf too.

So, yes, it can be done. We were friend for years & years before we realised our true feelings.
We've never been happier, so I say go for it.
(A lot of advice I got was not to pursue it, as it would ruin friendship etc, but sometimes in life you just have to take a risk. I did, & I haven't looked back)

Best of luck

LegacyUser

'Thanks for the replies guys. That ladder theory is intersting and makes you think twice about certain behaviour. I've been talking to one of her close friends about this, and although she has broken up with her boyfriend she is still into him - he left the country so it wasn't like the relationship went bad, but just had to end. I'll need to give her time but want to plant seeds in the meantime.

I'd say she probably 'doesn't think of me in that way' but I want to try to change that. Show her that it would be a good diea to give us a chance. I just need to work out how to do this...

I'm thinking get back to becoming close, have a few really fun nights out like we used to and gradually put the idea in her head that being with me is worth taking a chance on even though it may not be how she thinks at the moment...

Comments?'

Femelade

my boyfriend "didnt want a relationship" after i was first with him..
Now we are in love.
I persued, but not in a freakish stalkerish kinda way.

kmick

Route 1
Might sound crazy but you need a little perspective and so does she. My advice would be to see some other girl for a while. Then you can then gauge the reaction when you tell her you are playing the field. If the reaction is negative then you know you is gettable. If she thinks its great then you are probably in trouble.

Route 2
Get her drunk and try and shift her. Prepare for her never speaking to you again if it fails.

Route 3
Similar to route 1 but subtlely different. Instead of actaully going out with another girl talk to her and tell her you like her but that since its not reciprocated that you feel if there is no chance then you have to move on. Again gauge the reaction and either follow through and move on. In following through you need to give her some time to think about the proposition.

By the way giving a girl a Rose for Valentines because her boyfriend did'nt is totally sad. Have some dignity and never do this again.

Tusky

(Im getting banned for this...)

Distract her with an RTE guide and shlide the log in.

matt-dublin

òr just tell her you're scoring another girl and you think you might like her, she'll be hard to read but look for tell tale reactons that she's not happy about it or uncomfortable about it.

Nevyn

Tusky wrote:

(Im getting banned for this...)

and for a very long time.

Magic Pips

ok... im (poop) at explaining myself so bear with me!

Don't be overly nice to her, be nice, but a little not nice too... playful stuff... move out of the gay friend/brother zone, its a bad place to recover from (i tip my hat to those who have).

Anyway once you are friends with a little edge it makes things a lot easier...

Shinners23

Well I'm one of those girls. I worked with a guy. We were best friends. I knew he was mad about me but I wasn't sure how I felt and I didn't want to hurt him. He made several passes and I pulled away. Then two years on, he told me he was going travelling for a year and only then did I realise how much I loved and cared for him. He is still on his year away and I miss him so but I feel I've missed the boat due to my in decision

So moral of the story - it is definately possible. Also I agree with comment above - mention you are interested in another girl - this will make her admit to herself - she has feelings for you - if in fact she has

layke

Yes and no, i've had that experience but tbh for her it was more of a power thing. She loved knowing she could have me at any time so I was strung along and learned the hard way. Shame really she really was the ying to my yang and would have made a perfect couple.

The easiest way to lose something is to want it too much and mate your in that boat so be careful. By all means go for it but if you start getting tossed about move on and don't look back.

LegacyUser

Shinners23 wrote:

Well I'm one of those girls. I worked with a guy. We were best friends. I knew he was mad about me but I wasn't sure how I felt and I didn't want to hurt him. He made several passes and I pulled away. Then two years on, he told me he was going travelling for a year and only then did I realise how much I loved and cared for him. He is still on his year away and I miss him so but I feel I've missed the boat due to my in decision

Why would you think you have missed your chance? He thinks you're not interested so he's not goin to bite again, fair enough. However, when he gets back YOU ask HIM out. He'll want you to. Trust me, it will probably make his year. By lacking the gumption to do anything your going to cause him and you some misery which is completely unneccesary. There is NO sense to this. Sorry, but your post just compelled me to jump in there with some common sense. Go for it FFS.

Rnger

two friends of mine were together for almost 5 years. she absolutely hated him at first, i remember finding it fairly funny at the time! (im an awful person) he persisted. its definetly possible

Mr. Presentable

Walk away for a couple of weeks. No text, no phone, no contact. Let her think about you for a change. Then put the shift on her. If it doesn't work out try it again until she either succumbs or tells you to stop.

Important. If she tells you to stop, you stop!

aphex™

Shinners23 wrote:

Well I'm one of those girls. I worked with a guy. We were best friends. I knew he was mad about me but I wasn't sure how I felt and I didn't want to hurt him. He made several passes and I pulled away. Then two years on, he told me he was going travelling for a year and only then did I realise how much I loved and cared for him. He is still on his year away and I miss him so but I feel I've missed the boat due to my in decision

Perhaps you only want what you can't have?

wirelessdude

nipplenuts wrote:

Walk away for a couple of weeks. No text, no phone, no contact. Let her think about you for a change. Then put the shift on her. If it doesn't work out try it again until she either succumbs or tells you to stop.

Important. If she tells you to stop, you stop!

im doing the whole no emails, no texts thing right now....met this girl through work...flirting like crazy with her on mail and text the whole time...flirting going on both ways....then discover that she is actually going out with someone for 2.5yrs....yet the flirting is still going on both ways....she mentions a few times that she wished she was single right now....got this text one night "you have to keep the faith, what you wish for you will get, what is already in place exists"....this just wrecked my head so have pulled back alot since...not mailing her or texting her as much...she is going to a wedding with him this weekend in italy....had to pull away from her for my own sanity

digitally-yours

get it straight and stop acting !

plain and simple tell her its better if u both know where you are going

she knows u like her so what are you waiting for ?


she accepted all ur gifts she likes the way u treat her than what else she wants ?

"Friendship often ends in love but love ends in friendship. Never "

digitally-yours

wirelessdude wrote:

im doing the whole no emails, no texts thing right now....met this girl through work...flirting like crazy with her on mail and text the whole time...flirting going on both ways....then discover that she is actually going out with someone for 2.5yrs....yet the flirting is still going on both ways....she mentions a few times that she wished she was single right now....got this text one night "you have to keep the faith, what you wish for you will get, what is already in place exists"....this just wrecked my head so have pulled back alot since...not mailing her or texting her as much...she is going to a wedding with him this weekend in italy....had to pull away from her for my own sanity

She is clever ! enjoying at the expense of 2 men. If i was in your place i would say Bye Bye and look for someone who suits me.

What u mean she said to you "I wish i was single " who is keeping her in relation ? is she chained ? she is just playing with you.

Personally i never went for women who are in relation.Not worth my trust !

Game over for me now as i Got married this month

blorg

Yes, but in my case it was going out with someone else that made her jealous and changed her mind (note I did not go out with someone else with this end in mind, but that is the way it worked out.)

pbsuxok1znja4r

wirelessdude wrote:

im doing the whole no emails, no texts thing right now....met this girl through work...flirting like crazy with her on mail and text the whole time...flirting going on both ways....then discover that she is actually going out with someone for 2.5yrs....yet the flirting is still going on both ways....she mentions a few times that she wished she was single right now....got this text one night "you have to keep the faith, what you wish for you will get, what is already in place exists"....this just wrecked my head so have pulled back alot since...not mailing her or texting her as much...she is going to a wedding with him this weekend in italy....had to pull away from her for my own sanity

Oh dear. If I were you I wouldn't hold out any hope of ever having a long-lasting, trust-filled relationship with this girl. It doesn't seem like she would have a problem cheating on this guy she's been in a fairly long-term relationship with. Don't bet on her being any different with you. It's not impossible, but it's unlikely. If, however, all you're after with her is a fling or some no-stringsey fun, then go for it (Provided you're okay with the role you might be playing in damaging her existing relationship and all that, of course... )

wirelessdude

scouser.tommy wrote:

Oh dear. If I were you I wouldn't hold out any hope of ever having a long-lasting, trust-filled relationship with this girl. It doesn't seem like she would have a problem cheating on this guy she's been in a fairly long-term relationship with. Don't bet on her being any different with you. It's not impossible, but it's unlikely. If, however, all you're after with her is a fling or some no-stringsey fun, then go for it (Provided you're okay with the role you might be playing in damaging her existing relationship and all that, of course... )

thing is her guy actually sits about 6feet away from me at work!! don't really know him but was chatting to him on a work night out last week and he seems sound....to be honest don't know what i want with this girl..bit of fun or relationship...she has been open and said that she doesn't normally behave like this(neither do i...i have never ever chased and told a taken girl before than i want her).....she's on my mind the whole time so just totally wrecking my head....

Cateym

I know a guy who fancied a girl who fancied his best mate! He must have pursued her for about 6 months or more. They got together and were engaged 9 months later and married within 2 years of him finally pulling her!

So yes I think it does work but she sounds like she is just a tease and playing a game so bail out my friend!!

Kuz_3040

The best way i can put it is if you love someone let them go if they come back to you they are yours if they dont they never were. Ignore her for a little while make her jealous.

cwynnes

kmick wrote:

when you tell her you are playing the field. If the reaction is negative then you know you is gettable. If she thinks its great then you are probably in trouble.

This is a great way of knowing whether they are interested or not, i very much sympathise with the OPs position and i know how it feels, its really not a nice place to be in, im going through a very similar situation myself now and only that ive been here before i know that i just have to take steps back from the friendship no matter how hard it is because it will only hurt you more if you stay in the same place, in my experience they never get interested again... its so hard to admit to yourself....they just dont fancy you...you dont know why, you do everything for them and they dont feel anything still... they only thing i say to myself is just remember that its their problem, not yours, if they dont see or appreciate how good you are, its their loss...that means its your turn to go out and find someone who does....good luck man, ull feel better soon dont worry

cwynnes

LegacyUser

Im in very much the same situation fella. The way I see it OP, as long as your still mad about her, keep plugging away, not that you should let it get in the way of enjoying being single. If you lose interest, you lose interest, for me anyway, moving on isn't something I make a consionce (dodgey spelling) decision to do, it just sort of happens.

Good luck mate, Im rootin for ya!

Lambsbread

Yeah mate, in a similar position. I've been crazy about a "friend" at work for about 8 months now. When she was new in the office we scored twice on work nights out but she never wanted anything to happen and we've been firends since (despite some idiotic attempts on behalf!). I've kind of resigned myself to the fact that it'll never happen but for some reason i always keep some glimmer of hope. I'm trying to avoid contacting her for the next month while i'm away with work (i failed after 3 days), the idea is that i'll get over her. The problem is i can't stop thinking about her, and being alone over here doesn't really help!

The advice from the last poster was spot on, keep plugging away, but don't forget to chase other girls too! You never know what might happen.

LegacyUser

OP, go for it.
One of my mates had been persuing this girl (also one of his mates) who wasn't interested in him at the time, he didn't give up and now, 4 years later, they're engaged.
So, you may as well try. Stranger things have happened.

Though don't stalk her, or persue her in an annoying/creepy way.

Blisterman

I'd forget it and move on.
There's a fine line between romantic and stalkerish.

LegacyUser

'Yep i have, plenty of times, i'm a legend though, depends on really if you are? are you?'