Big Arty

Hagar · 26-04-2007 6:44pm #1

Mr Smithers, a meek and humble man, is sitting, sullenly slumped over his pint in his local pub. The landlord asks him why he's so miserable.
"It's my wife", says Smithers, "We've been married for thirty years, I've worked my fingers to the bone to keep her in the manner to which she has
become accustomed, and it's been non-stop nagging and moaning from her all the way. I've had enough! I just wish I could be rid of her!"
The landlord says "Well your luck might be in: See that huge bloke sitting over there in the corner - that's "Big Arty". He's a real hard case. He'll make sure your wife never troubles you again, but it'll cost you - he usually charges a quid for assasinations.
Smithers goes over and asks "Are you Big Arty?"
The huge man rises from his chair to tower above Smithers and says "Yus - that's me"
SMITHERS: "I hear you might be able to do a job for me....... you see.......
I'd like my wife....er....dead"
BIG ARTY: "No problem Guv - I'll do the job .... but it'll cost you a quid and I'll need to know where to find her and a photo to recognise her"
SMITHERS: "OK - here's your pound, and here's a photo of her - she works on the checkout at Tesco's"
BIG ARTY: "Right - better get on with it then!"
He slurps down his pint, wipes his mouth with his sleeve and lurches out of the pub.
Entering the Tesco store in the High Street, he looks along the line of checkout desks until he recognises Mrs Smithers. He lumbers up to her, grabs her by the throat and throttles the life out of her there and then.
The manager, who was standing nearby, witnesses this and runs over, shouting "Hey you there. You can't do this sort of thing in my shop"
Big Arty turns around, jumps on the manager and strangles him to death too.
A policeman passing by on his beat sees all this through the shop window and rushes in to accost Big Arty. "HI HARREST HUW FOR CAUSIN' HAN HAFFRAY!"
Unfortunately he is no match for the mighty thug, and he too joins the pile of throttled corpses on the store floor.
Just then, following an urgent phone call from another checkout assistant, a large team of police reinforcements arrive, armed with truncheons, tasers and tear gas.
Big Arty puts up a spirited fight, but is finally subdued and bundled off to jail in the Black Mariah.
Next day, the banner headline in the local newspaper reads..................
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"BIG ARTY CHOKES THREE FOR A POUND IN TESCO'S"