What do I say?

LegacyUser

It was my birthday there recently and someone that I would regard as one of my best friends didn’t contact me at all. Ive known this person for over 10 years. The last few months though, Ive felt that something might be wrong. They became a bit distant despite me trying to meet up, asking them to go out, having chats etc etc.

Anyways, this morning I get a message off them asking me to a party in a few weeks. A “hows it going, haven’t heard from you in ages” kind of message. The truth is last time we talked was about 2 weeks ago when I asked them to a party. I was told no that they wouldn’t be going. I said “Hey-no worries at all” and didn’t hear anything back. I get the impression that Im the one that’s supposed to do all the running.

Anyways, I haven’t replied yet. First off, I don’t know what to say about my birthday thing. Id like to remind them that it was my bday, but in a non offensive way (see if they’ll get the picture themselves). Am not sure what to say. Maybe they genuinely forgot, so I don’t want to say anything offensive. I know everyone has stuff going on in their lives (believe me, I have lots of problems myself at the moment) but don’t ignore people. What would you do? We’re both 31 so its not like were young ones trying to find our feet or something. Really want to stay friends but cant see why at the moment.....

Jumpy

L:o:L wrote:

It was my birthday there recently and someone that I would regard as one of my best friends didn’t contact me at all. Ive known this person for over 10 years. The last few months though, Ive felt that something might be wrong. They became a bit distant despite me trying to meet up, asking them to go out, having chats etc etc.

Anyways, this morning I get a message off them asking me to a party in a few weeks. A “hows it going, haven’t heard from you in ages” kind of message. The truth is last time we talked was about 2 weeks ago when I asked them to a party. I was told no that they wouldn’t be going. I said “Hey-no worries at all” and didn’t hear anything back. I get the impression that Im the one that’s supposed to do all the running.

Anyways, I haven’t replied yet. First off, I don’t know what to say about my birthday thing. Id like to remind them that it was my bday, but in a non offensive way (see if they’ll get the picture themselves). Am not sure what to say. Maybe they genuinely forgot, so I don’t want to say anything offensive. I know everyone has stuff going on in their lives (believe me, I have lots of problems myself at the moment) but don’t ignore people. What would you do? We’re both 31 so its not like were young ones trying to find our feet or something. Really want to stay friends but cant see why at the moment.....

Some people simply forget.

28 years on I still cant remember my mothers birthday. Dont take it personally.

Beruthiel

L:o:L wrote:

First off, I don’t know what to say about my birthday thing. Id like to remind them that it was my bday

You strike me as a tad overly sensitive.
I can imagine being upset if your child or partner forgot your birthday, but anyone else forgetting, that really shouldn't matter and I defo don't understand why you would make such an issue out if it with a friend. It's no biggie.

Marksie

I am reading this right:

You feel you are doing the running?

They forgot your birthday?

you asked them to a party but they said they weren't going to whihc you said no problem?

They have conatcted essentially saying not heard in weeks, am inviting you to a party.?

Am i correct?

In which case if they invited you to a party you are not doing all the running.

Friendships change and things happen to make people more distant. Also people have poor memories at times..i am dreadful for birhdays.

I think you are oversensitive and aggrieved at what you feel is a slight.

Forget about the birthday thing and go to the party and enjoy meeting them again

Madge

Beruthiel wrote:

You strike me as a tad overly sensitive.
I can imagine being upset if your child or partner forgot your birthday, but anyone else forgetting, that really shouldn't matter and I defo don't understand why you would make such an issue out if it with a friend. It's no biggie.

I disagree! The OP has been friends with this person for over 10 years. They should have remembered the birthday, if not the exact date, then the month at least! With all the technology (you can get reminders on your mobile phone!) and PDAs, etc. there's no excuse for forgetting.
If I was the OP, i would text the said 'friend' back and say thanks for the text and the invite and whether you'll go or not. If you mention your birthday in the text it will seem petty. Better to mention briefly and in an offhand way when you see them, like 'oh I got this watch for my birthday' something like that

Dave

Why is it so important to you that someone remembers your birthday? I agree with Beruthiel here, outside of immediate family and a partner, I don't see why it should matter.

~nop~

Op I have a friend who did the exact same as yours, distancing herself from the rest of us, forgetting birthdays, important dates etc.

Your friends first response when you invited them to a party did make it sound like there was something going on with them, however it is their choice too how important this friendship is to them. I wouldn't fret about it, just remember you have other friends too. Personally I make an effort to remember the birthdays of friends that are important to me, and not so much for other people.

You can always just go to the party and see.

tbh

L:o:L wrote:

It was my birthday there recently and someone that I would regard as one of my best friends didn’t contact me at all. Ive known this person for over 10 years. The last few months though, Ive felt that something might be wrong. They became a bit distant despite me trying to meet up, asking them to go out, having chats etc etc.

Anyways, this morning I get a message off them asking me to a party in a few weeks. A “hows it going, haven’t heard from you in ages” kind of message. The truth is last time we talked was about 2 weeks ago when I asked them to a party. I was told no that they wouldn’t be going. I said “Hey-no worries at all” and didn’t hear anything back. I get the impression that Im the one that’s supposed to do all the running.

Anyways, I haven’t replied yet. First off, I don’t know what to say about my birthday thing. Id like to remind them that it was my bday, but in a non offensive way (see if they’ll get the picture themselves). Am not sure what to say. Maybe they genuinely forgot, so I don’t want to say anything offensive. I know everyone has stuff going on in their lives (believe me, I have lots of problems myself at the moment) but don’t ignore people. What would you do? We’re both 31 so its not like were young ones trying to find our feet or something. Really want to stay friends but cant see why at the moment.....

I'll say this to you - you can't force anyone to be a certain way. For example, it sounds like this friend isn't the type of person who sends cards for birthdays and rings you often just to say hi and see how you are. There's nothing wrong with that, but you have to decide how much you want to invest in the relationship emotionally.
As I see it, you have two choices - you can hope they change, and be disappointed when they don't, or you can take them at face value, and not rely on them so much. You should only put into a friendship what you will get back, if there is a problem in this relationship, it's on your side tbh.
I'm not having a pop at you, but sometimes it's easier when you realise that some things we just can't affect. Better to be a stick that floats on the top of the water forever than a rock that eventually gets washed away.


woooah.

no more mushrooms for lunch for me.

Femelade

One of my best friends forgot my birthday 3 weeks ago. to be honest i didnt really take offence to it
Its her birthday on monday. i might just text her and say happy birthday, welcome to the 27's club..she might remember then, she might not.

kmick

Well the way I see it..
1) Do you want ot stay friends with her when it is obvious she cant be bothered with you?
2) As you say everyone forgets a birthday once in a while but not if you are a really good friend. even a poor friend will send a text.
3) Do you want to go to the party? Ignoring the fact it is a good friend in decline (awful feeling) do you want to go to this party or is it just you are only thinking of going because she asked you?
4) Do you have other close friends?

humanji

Go to the party and have some fun. And it'll be a good place to ask your friend if wnything is wrong. If there is, they might talk about it, if not, then you've nothing to worry about.

People change all the time and you never know what might be happening in their life that you're not privy to.

And with regards your birthday, my birthday was yesterday. After 28 years, only 3 people remembered. My entire family forgot about it, and so did I until someone gave me a birthday card. Doon't read too much into it. As people get older they have more important things on their mind.

Oh, and Happy Birthday.

LegacyUser

Yes, I do have 2 other close friends and I got an email/txt off them……
Am not looking for a “big moment” bday wish. “Happy bday” does me great.

The party is a private function that she is having, so I wouldn’t be going/considering going only for she asked.

I ask her to come along so often to partys, meet up etc and she always says no, yet when its her turn I feel like im expected to say yes to keep the friendship going. It was her bday already this year and I wished her happy bday.

If I did say no, it would simply be because she doesn’t make an effort, so what should I?

Oh I dunno. Maybe I am being petty. Was just confused as to what to do.

Beruthiel

Madge wrote:

I disagree! The OP has been friends with this person for over 10 years. They should have remembered the birthday, if not the exact date, then the month at least! With all the technology (you can get reminders on your mobile phone!) and PDAs, etc. there's no excuse for forgetting.

And if they do forget, your nose should be put out of joint for such a trivial thing? I don't think so.
For the first time in my life, my parents forgot to wish me a happy birthday this year, when I didn't get my usual card I knew it was because my Ma had just forgotten. They rang a week later to apologise.
People forget, in the greater scheme of things it's absolutely nothing if a friend has been there for you through 10 years, or your parents are there for you when you need them.
Perspective is the word that comes to mind.

tbh

L:o:L wrote:

... I feel like im expected to say yes to keep the friendship going....

see they are your expectations, not theirs.

5starpool

All this over a birthday? I can never understand who people make big deals about birthdays. It is very rare that I remember or acknowledge someones birthday (except parents), and I have plenty of friends. Thank god they aren't as sensitive as the OP about it.

It sounds like there is more to it that is being said really. If you are not interested in keeping the friendship going then politely decline the invite and I'm sure it'll drift more, as these things do at times. It is impossible to keep all friends as close friends all the time in my opinion. Old ones fade and new ones enter. Such is the way of life.

Madge

Beruthiel wrote:

And if they do forget, your nose should be put out of joint for such a trivial thing? I don't think so.

It's the principle of the matter. Birthdays only come once a year. As someone else said I make an effort to remember the birthdays of close friends. Obviously you don't and thats your choice.

Beruthiel wrote:

For the first time in my life, my parents forgot to wish me a happy birthday this year, when I didn't get my usual card I knew it was because my Ma had just forgotten. They rang a week later to apologise.

Your actual parents forgot your birthday?! And then they rang you?? Unless they had alzheimers, I'd be upset.

Miss Fluff

Your friend forgot, don't take it personally, some people feel birthdays are of the utmost importance, others don't. It's not a personal slight so just let it pass.

nialo

After 21 birthdays mean squat. They are another day to everyone else and most ppl end up working for them. maybe your 30th, 40th and 50th mean a bit more to ppl outside your immediate family. For the rest if you get a happy birthday from family/partner it should be enough. Anything else is a bonus.

Marksie

Madge wrote:

It's the principle of the matter. Birthdays only come once a year. As someone else said I make an effort to remember the birthdays of close friends. Obviously you don't and thats your choice..

Umm actually what beruithiel said was her nose wouldn't be put out of joint. Your misreading the post

Madge wrote:

Your actual parents forgot your birthday?! And then they rang you?? Unless they had alzheimers, I'd be upset.

Because someone forgets the birthday doesn't mean they are disowning someone.
I would be seriously worried if somene misread absent mindedness as an I dont want to know you any more. EDIT: actually i will rephrase that.. i value my freinds and loved ones a little more than such friendship being dependent upon the receipt of a tacky little mass produced piece of cardboard with a schmaltzy phrase on it.

Actually it was My birthday two days ago! and close friends forgot and my mums card didn't arrive. There are more important things in life than that.

Beruthiel

Madge wrote:

It's the principle of the matter. Birthdays only come once a year. As someone else said I make an effort to remember the birthdays of close friends. Obviously you don't and thats your choice.

As Mark said, you misread what I said. I happen to remember everyone's birthday, a few times I've forgotten them or they have forgotten me, the sky didn't fall in.

Your actual parents forgot your birthday?! And then they rang you?? Unless they had alzheimers, I'd be upset.

I prefer to wait until something comes along worth getting upset about.
My parents have done some fantastic things for me in the past, I shall be eternally grateful to them for that, missing a birthday does not even register imo and if someone can get upset over something so tiny, they will most likely get upset at every slight thing that happens to them. Not a very happy way to lead your life.

Marksie

Beruthiel wrote:

As Mark said, you misread what I said.

Sorry B, didn't mean to answer for you.

Madge wrote:

It's the principle of the matter.

Which is: If i don't get a card, i will make your life unbearable.


How is this for a principle:
Hi i am your friend, my friendship is unconditional on you having to return it in at least equal or preferably greater measure. This friendship will go in whatever direction it wants to, deeper or shallower, or variable as time goes by and we change. It means i like you, value you, respect you and care about you with no expectations.

Crea

"I ask her to come along so often to partys, meet up etc and she always says no, yet when its her turn I feel like im expected to say yes to keep the friendship going. It was her bday already this year and I wished her happy bday."

This is where the problem is, not with the birthday. The birthday was probably the straw.
OP you're going to have to decide whether you're willing to keep the friendship going. Your "friend" obviously doesn't value your friendship and to all intents and purposes has dumped you as a friend. Step back with your dignity and let her go. If she wants to stay in touch then she will but if she doesn't don't be the idiot who doesn't get the hint. You may never know what happened to your friendship which is sad.

Madge

marksuttonie wrote:

Because someone forgets the birthday doesn't mean they are disowning someone.
I would be seriously worried if somene misread absent mindedness as an I dont want to know you any more. EDIT: actually i will rephrase that.. i value my freinds and loved ones a little more than such friendship being dependent upon the receipt of a tacky little mass produced piece of cardboard with a schmaltzy phrase on it.
Actually it was My birthday two days ago! and close friends forgot and my mums card didn't arrive. There are more important things in life than that.

Now you seem to be misreading my posts
I never said that forgetting birthdays means 'disowning' someone or means that someone 'doesn't want to know them anymore'. However I do think that parents forgetting the day their children came into the world is odd, to say the least. I know when I get into my 30s or 40s etc, my mother would never forget my birthday.
AND I never said friendship was 'dependent' on getting cards and gifts. For the record I don't believe in all that crap with sentimental cards and gifts etc. I just think that CLOSE PERSONAL friends and CLOSE family members could perhaps remember birthdays thats all, just with a simple text msg or message left on Bebo etc.
Other people won't agree with me and thats fine.

Marksie

Madge wrote:

just with a simple text msg or message left on Bebo etc.
.

Oh i am quite an old fuddy duddy when it comes to new fangled electronics.. i was working on hard copy

metrovelvet

Beruthiel wrote:

And if they do forget, your nose should be put out of joint for such a trivial thing? I don't think so.
.

It's not trivial to the OP.

And this is the second time in this thread you have told OP how she should feel - which is the way that YOU feel.

What's up with that?

Dave

Well the OP was looking for advice, and her feelings on the matter would probably not be considered a healthy one, so I think Beruthial was just putting the situation into perspective, as opposed to forcing her opinion on to her.

tbh

metrovelvet wrote:

It's not trivial to the OP.

And this is the second time in this thread you have told OP how she should feel - which is the way that YOU feel.

What's up with that?

the OP was asking if other people would feel the same way as her, trying to gauge if she was over-reacting or not.

L:O:L wrote:

What would you do?

ntlbell

Jumpy wrote:

Some people simply forget.

28 years on I still cant remember my mothers birthday. Dont take it personally.

I think this is a lot more common than people like to admit.

event

i didnt think birthdays really counted anymore

i dont know when any of my friends birthdays are. i know the month, but not the date. never have, sure tis just a birthday

id forget about it, let it go

SarahSassy

The words 'mountain' and 'molehill' instantly come to mind. I even wondered if this was a troll.....

I am sure your friend is very fond of you but its blatently obvious that the friendship hold more importance on a day to basis to you than him/her. This is not a hanging offense.... You can also control the pace of the relationship and if this doesnt suit you do something about it - either mention your annoyance to your friend (which I dont suggest) or add more friends to your circle.

tbh

I don't think this is a troll, it's not really an unusual reaction.

The point is not that the OP's friend forgot their birthday, it's that the OP found that their friend does not have the same values as they do.

To the OP, recognising milestone events is a way they make their friends feel loved and wanted, but not to their friend.
Neither is right or wrong, the op, IMO, just needs to re-evaluate their friendship.

I'll say this tho, OP, not all of your friends have to be your bosom buddies. My best friend can't be relied on to keep appointments, be on time, remember where any of us live or pay any of us back the money he's borrowed. The result is, we all love him, he's still our mate, but he doesn't get invited anywhere we we need him to be (weddings etc) or get lent money. It's his loss really, but it saves arguments..

LegacyUser

Oh thats great advice............"I think you might be a troll"...

Something beginning with an I and ending with a t comes to mind.

Well, maybe I have been over reacting. As some people said, bdays and things like that are not important to them, but they are to me. Hard enough that not 1 person in work didnt even remember!

SarahSassy

I genuinely thought you may be a troll as the reaction was so extreme.....

I am not a I...T - I am taking the time to respond to your infantile (compounded by the I....T remark) whinge about everyone on the planet including your WORK COLLEAGUES forgetting your birthday.....

BTW double negative gives a positive...

not 1 person in work didnt even remember!

Dave!

Jumpy wrote:

Some people simply forget.

28 years on I still cant remember my mothers birthday. Dont take it personally.

I agree with this... I don't know any of my family members' birthdays!!!

I know my sister's is in May......

merritt

Crea wrote:

This is where the problem is, not with the birthday.

Yep. You guys have different values. Has this friend been there for you recently when you needed help? And vice versa?

If not, perhaps this person is now merely an acquaintance rather than a friend. So you meet or chat and it's perfectly pleasant, but you wouldn't seek each other out for support in times of need.

So, do you want to go? If not, a diplomatic no will do fine. Busy that night, another engagement etc. As one gets on in life, one finds that friends will, more often than not, make the effort. This person doesn't appear to be doing that.