Yet Another No Sex Thread

LegacyUser

I've been going out with my girlfriend for 5 months now. No sex yet, though we nearly did it once a month or two ago. Since then, almost nothing. It's always been me trying to initiate kissing, touching, damn near everything. She says she's just not comfortable yet. Which is fair enough by me.Though I think she might somehow have the notion in her head that sex and everything about it is somehow "bold", or wrong.

We're both virgins, 19.

I never actually pressure her for sex at all. But I do always try to initiate foreplay and the like, often unsuccessfully. For the last 5 weeks or so, however, we have had virtually no physical contact beyond hugging and some comparatively unimpassioned kissing.

I'm thinking there are 2 ways I could handle this. A) Come out and say all of this, but risk it putting way too much pressure on her... Say nothing and completely withdraw from her physcially, as a signal to her that without me doing the chasing, there is literally nothing going on. That she needs to pull her weight, too. But this would risk it seeming like the relationship is fizzling out altogether; she might think I'm not interested in her. Or worse still...it might not bother her at all and only god knows how long things would run on without any sexual contact!

While she has said that we will ultimately, have sex, sometime, something she said once scared me. It was something like "I'm not really like that" in reference to having sex and stuff. As if she was trying to say she was asexual or something. Which makes me wonder, if/when it eventually does happen, will it even be on anything even approaching a regular basis? I dont want a girlfriend that has a virtually non-existent sex-drive. And I don't want it to be a case of her simply 'giving in' to me. I want her to want it.

Yeah I probably come off sounding diabollically selfish/self-centered with all this "I want" stuff, but it's just what I'm thinking.

In every other way this girl is near-perfect for me. I don't want to let her go, but I do want something at least approaching or resembling sex, sometime in the foreseeable future, at least. I'm still trying to find a way to tell her how I feel about all this, without it sounding like some awful kind of "sex or I'm leaving" ultimatum! I think I'm starting to slightly resent her for her apparent lack of sexual interest in me...

....any advice?

Marksie

c) Talk to her that you are not putting her under pressure, but openly ask what s*x and Sexuality mean to her, what it means to you. Remember, there may be much more in her about losing her virginity that you don't know about.

d) concentrate solely on "foreplay" don't make orgasm and ejaculation a goal for either of you. Go beyond the idea that penetrative sex is the be all and end all. Forget the concept that you are virgins, the first thing is that you are two individuals and also a couple.

e) good lovemaking depends on establishing a connection with your partner which allows them to open to trust and relax. Communication is a major part of this as is patience and a willingness to allow things to explore in their own time but also bay asking and showing and teaching and learning.

f) another golden rule. If you want your partner to open, be open yourself. The fact that you "make all the running" should be immaterial, make your lovemaking unconditional..that is, not expecting things in return for what you are doing. You are both in a teaching and learning phase, do not rush it.

BoozyBabe

Ah, 5 months is a pretty short time, especially when you're both virgins.

Though I was a little bit younger, I was with my bf for over 2 years before we had sex. (both being virgins)

Losing your virginity for girls is often very emotional (for want of a better word) for girls, so most like to know that the one they're giving it away to is worth it & will respect it.

& tbh, you do come across here as just wanting to get it out of the way.
You may be appearing like this to your gf also, which may be making her double think things.

You can't talk about her being asexual yet. She's never had sex. For all you know, your 1st time could be so appalling that it's YOU who doesn't want more, due to embarrassment.
I'm not saying this will happen, but just that, for all you know, you're gf will be wild about it & want it every other minute once ye start.

The 1st time can also be painful for girls. Maybe she's a little afraid of that too.

Anyway, try & hold off on penetration & thinking it's the be all & end all. Let her build up your trust in her.
Explore each other with your hands.
She may be shy to just put her hand on your willy (i know I was) so maybe gauge her reaction & see if she'd like to be guided down there, & maybe help show her what to do.
You could also start playing with her bits to make her come.
Basically, there's lots of fun to be had without diving straight into penetration when one partner is not fully comfortable with the idea yet.

Ronan H

elipsis wrote:

I never actually pressure her for sex at all.

Well done for that, im sure that will stand to you in the long run despite the difficulties that are present currently. Its important for a female to know that there is no pressure in relation to sex, im sure for a lot of females it is a stressful situation to be in where they are being pressured into something that they are not ready for, dont want to do etc...

As for your issue, just talk to her about it, dont go to extremes of not initiating any contact etc... just to prove a point. That will possibly do more harm than good. Make your points to her but in a respectful way, thats also one of the most important aspects of a relationship, to be able to talk to eachother, so give it a try. Obviously theres a chance that you might not get the response you want but as long as you have done it in a respectful and rational way then theres not much more that can be asked of you.

Its clear from the way you typed your post that you care for her and have respect for her so dont ruin it by trying to prove a point in a silly way.

Hope thats helpful...

Ronan

LegacyUser

'Thanks ppl. Yeah well my main problem isn't that we're not having full-on penetrative sex, but rather that we're not really doing muuch of the other sexual stuff, like even foreplay and all. I know foreplay is a misleading word because it can just be play; doesn't have to act only as a precursor to sex. I think I could wait as long as needs be for full penetrative sex so long as the foreplay was up to scratch...'

Lizard Queen

Maybe the girl is not experienced sexual. When i was younger and hadnt done anything sexualy with lads i was bricking it. A lads willy is very scarey when you dont know what to do with it. Maybe there is something in her past that you dont know about. I suggest maybe try and chat to her in a sentitive way. It will happen eventually you just need to be patient.

~nop~

I have to say 5 months is not long at all when ye are both virgins.

She is right to want to be comfortable. By the time you both get to full sex you should really be both comfortable in each others prescence, able to say what you think and laugh if it goes terribly wrong.

She does sound like she's pretty inexperienced. As has been said already it can be scary for girls, and perhaps you need to guide her and show her what you want etc, and just start progressing things slowly. If you start talking about how much you need sex now its never really going to happen, or at least with her wanting it, but if you can show her how good other stuff can be gradually, and make her comfortable with you and your body, it should naturally progress further with her wanting it as much as you do.