lack of sex?

cocopop

ok this is very personal but my and my bf have been going out for 4 years now, we moved in together about a year ago. I am 20 and he is 22. I ave put on weight since we started going out but i am losing a weigh and a stone away from beig back to the weight i was when i met him. Recently (in the last year) sex has not been really happening, and it's not on my part....he's never in the mood. like he comes home after work and college and never stays anywhere lse so i totally trust him that he's not with anyone else and ive caught him plesuring himself a good few times. but when I make a move he's not interested...it's always a bad time he says!! im really losing weight because ive become sooo self concious since he has been like this!! we would have sex about once every 2-3 weeks if even Ive got sexy lingere but it didnt see to do anything 4 him???

What can i do???

Nothingcompares

You definitely have to have a chat with him. You shouldn't be too preoccupied with your weight, it's unlikely it's responsible for this kind of reaction. Furthermore, I think you're a bit young to be living together but howenver, if you can't bounce back from this you should definitely consider moving on.

the_syco

What year is he in? Also, what is he studying? Could be just exam stress, and lots of projects to hand in.

Saying that, (I'm going to get flamed for this) cook him a nice meal (if you can), and chill, on a Friday or Saturday night, and then afterwards, try getting it on.

Best of luck.

Marksie

I have often replied to guys saying this about their girlfriends. the advice given there equally applies in this instance.

You will have to take the lead and a proactive approach in this.

After 4 years, if one is not careful things can get routine.

It is up to you to change the routine.
Use your imagination: send little text messages saying how sexy you feel at the moment and how sexy he looks, tell him what you want to do and really let him know. Build anticipation.

Set up a space, cook that meal, bring back the romance and mystery into things. take time out and just be with him.

Wear that lingerie

incorporate massage, touching, stroking.

only be limited by your imagination. Make sure that the bad time turns into the right time.

be spontaneous as well. If you make a move dont make it obvertly s*xual straight away, a good neck massage to relieve stress is a good start. then let things wander and take your time.

Dont forget the power of a good kiss either.

if initially he says its not a good time, then don't get upset, dont pull away.
one possible approach is to say well it is for me, and start making love to yourself.. letting him see and know exactly what he could be doing.

In fact i was looking at Theadydals sig: Even if he is initially unresponsive, let go... do what you want in fornt of him... become a wanton

In other words, rediscover both yourself and each other.
all the best
mark

rediguana

It's good to be a healthy weight but I doubt this is the issue here. Tell him to stop being so miserable or else you walk. It's no good living like that. Life's too short.

cocopop

He says it's a turn off that i'm always thinking about sex and trying it on with him...i'm not addicted but it is what i can't have that i want...he was sick last week and i sat down and talked to him about it...he swore things would change after he got better (he's gone back to work 2day) so he's definitly better now but ive totally backed off. I really feel it's something I have done or how I look, i feel like we'll have sex, it'l be great but then it's the same again for another week or 2!!!

i love him soooooooo much, and we get on sooooo well, i wouldn't mind the lasck of sex so much if i knew it wasn't me, like at the begining it was all the time when we weren't living together, in public and dffernet places... i'd love him to be spontanious...the only time and place nw is if we go to bed at the same time and he isn't wrecked...i'd love him 2 just grab me when we're sitting on the couch together or something. as i said i think i'd be ok if i knew it wasn't me, he swears it's not though! ah i really am confused
thanks for all your advice

Beruthiel

cocopop wrote:

He says it's a turn off that i'm always thinking about sex and trying it on with him...

I raised an eyebrow while reading that. I cannot for the life of me understand how a bloke in a 4 year relationship is turned off by his woman coming onto him.
I don't believe that comment for one minute, there's more to it than just that.

i'd love him 2 just grab me when we're sitting on the couch together or something.

Have you tried that one on him?

Miss Fluff

marksuttonie wrote:

After 4 years, if one is not careful things can get routine.

They are 20 and 22 though! They should be doing it at every opportunity!

Chrissie

Feck this bloody website!!!
I had a very long carefull phrased post for you cocopop, but when I went to post, the website timedout & I lost it.

So, I'm sorry if this seems insensitive, I really don't mean it to be. the original one wasn't, but I don't have the time to go through it all again.

I was like your bf with an ex.
We were very affectionate & loving in every other way, I just didn't want intimacy with him.

His appearance didn't change, I just didn't fancy him any more.
That wasn't to say he wasn't attractive. I'm sure man people find him very attractive, I just didn't / don't anymore.
Nothing he could've done would change my mind.
When he'd ask me what was wrong, I'd say nothing, it wasn't him.
I found his advances a turnoff because I felt bad that I was rejecting him.
We used to have sex all the time at the beginning & he was very attentive in bed.
He was great, but I just wasn't into him anymore.

I left him.

I had thought it may have been my sex drive.
It wasn't. I'm in another long term relationship now & my sex drive is very good.
I now realise that it was just my ex no longer did it for me any more.

Like in my original post, I'm not trying to make you feel bad, I'm just being honest.
Please don't think you're unnattractive.
You're prob most definitely V attractive, but maybe things have just become too familiar & he no longer feels the same way.

I know this thread reads real bad, & I look like a hateful b!tch.

just wish you could've read the original one I'd written.

I really do hope the best for you, but it may be something you can't change.
My ex wouldn't have been able to. The chemistry had just gone for me.

Take care.

Marksie

Miss Fluff wrote:

They are 20 and 22 though! They should be doing it at every opportunity!

I know Miss Fluff, it still holds true though. People do get into routines regardless of age.

It may be as Chrissie says, lets be honest. But it can be recovered bye re-learning what it was in the first place. But it takes two to do it.

I am probably explaining it badly as i am really condensing very complex ideas.

I have posted about little golden rules before and one of them is "if you want your lover to be ecstatic, become a good lover yourself".

So, if you want him to get back to leaping on you on the couch then start doint it to him yourself.

Lizard Queen

your bf should be happy that you have such a healthy sex drive. Most girls i know could that it or leave it. If he loves you the weight should be not be an issue. Maybe go get a bikini wax, stick on some porn and handcuff him to the bed and have your wicked way with him. The soap shop lush has a great product called black magic, rub some on your neck and it has afrodisiaic quailities. Maybe a bit of healthy competition would get him more interested !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!;)

LegacyUser

stick on some porn and handcuff him to the bed and have your wicked way with him.

I can't think of anything more unattractive for the girl I love to do than that....but hey that's just me.

Lizard Queen

well im glad im not your girlfriend , nothing wrong with being adventious in the bedroom. Most lads complian that there girlfriend are not borthered with sex.

ferdi

Lizard Queen wrote:

your bf should be happy that you have such a healthy sex drive. Most girls i know could that it or leave it.

i'm guessing you mean to sat 'take it or leave it'...in which case i'd have to say "wtf?" are you implying tha 'most girls' could happily go without sex and have zero sex drive?

Marksie

Lizard Queen wrote:

Most lads complian that there girlfriend are not borthered with sex.

Those would be the lads with the most inflexible attitudes unfiortunately.

LegacyUser

Lizard Queen wrote:

well im glad im not your girlfriend , nothing wrong with being adventious in the bedroom. Most lads complian that there girlfriend are not borthered with sex.

I'd be dissapointed with myself as a male if my girlfriend had to resort to porn and handcuffs because clearly i wouldn't be doing it for her anymore...

Maybe the lads who complain should get down the gym and get into shape...because clearly their girlfriends are not digging it anymore

greenkittie

cheesedude wrote:

I'd be dissapointed with myself as a male if my girlfriend had to resort to porn and handcuffs because clearly i wouldn't be doing it for her anymore...

Someone clearly likes the boring sex. Thank god you arn't my boyfriend is all i can say. Missionary all the way for you i bet.

LegacyUser

You better talk to him again about it. Give him an ultimatum. You can't go on like this because it isn't normal. My ex gf was like that, we were going out for a year and showed barely any intimacy towards me. She always gave off the look that she was fun and sexy but when it came to the crunch she closed up.
After a year of "I'll give you one last chance to change" I said goodbye and got out. It was hard coz she was such a sweet girl. Sometimes you just have to get on with it, it's for the best.

LegacyUser

greenkittie wrote:

Someone clearly likes the boring sex. Thank god you arn't my boyfriend is all i can say. Missionary all the way for you i bet.

If i was your boyfriend, I can assure you that you would probably hang on to dear life to keep me your boyfriend and no, missionary is not the only way I pleasure my girlfriend...but cheers.

BaZmO*

It sounds like your boyfriend is being passive aggressive and is using sex (or the lack of) as his weapon.

You say that this has only happened since you've moved in together. I reckon because you are both so young he's after getting the realisation that he is stuck in a long term relationship and feels trapped and is using sex as a way to make you p1ssed off with him and maybe if he p1sses you off enough you'll end the relationship.

Kell

cocopop wrote:

and ive caught him plesuring himself a good few times.

That kinda carries a tone of disapproval. When you "caught" him having a hand shandy, have you offered to finish the job off for him?

That could be the spark that he is looking for. Personally speaking, if a partner of mine came in and I was mid jerk and offered to finish the business, I'd be happy out and gagging for more.

Also, and please dont take offense, have you questioned whether or not you are good in bed?? Personally I would rather a partner be doing that for me than wander off to the jax on my todd with a mag and some kitchen roll.

Do ye have plenty of play without having full on sex? Play is where you discover what you like.

K-

cocopop

Thanks for all the advice everyone, we talked about it (not fully) last night when he came home form work at 11.45pm and he said most of the time it is thats he's tired. i told him im not gonna go back on the pill because there is no point if we're not having sex loads and he told me straight away that things would change and he promises it'l be different and that he finds me sexy blah blah....
i just don't know if he means it or not, he always has the option to move home and if things are getting too serious we both have taken a break and just space for a week. like its so hard to explain my whole relationship on this but i have seen and had other boyfriends and im not being all soppy but my bf is really thoughtful when it comes to everything else, he shocks my friends with suprises for me...not expensive stuff just if he went to buy me dinner to cook for me (which he does at least once a week) he'd ALWAYS think of what i would love and he'll make it. I am in college and at the moment because i was complaining about strss over exams and he's really good in one of my subjects, he's pretty much doing my project 4 me.....
i am sorry for waffling on, im just trying to portray a picture....i was talking to my friend and she said sometimes she's in the mood and he'l tell her not now or whatever?? i know 2 weeks is a little long but is it true sometimes guys might just not be in the mood? i have this picture in my head that guys are ALWAYS up 4 it, even when in a long term relationship....
Also he compliments me about stuff in bed and tells me what he likes and ill remember for next time....i dont know what should i say to him???
thanks again

Kell

cocopop wrote:

i have this picture in my head that guys are ALWAYS up 4 it, even when in a long term relationship....

That picture would be true of some. I lived with a suicidally depressed person and was still getting some every night of the week till we parted ways.

K-

azezil

Buy a strap on and suggest trying something different! add a seductive wink

astrofool

That's azezil's answer for everything.

Rb

To those suggesting that she just take him by surprise and try to have her wicked way with him,the OP clearly stated that the boyfriend found her approaches and the fact that she apparently has sex on her mind the whole time a turn off, so what makes you think surprising him will suddenly change that?

I agree with Chrissie ,OP, you probably just don't do it for him anymore. Perhaps the only reason you're still together is because hes afraid to hurt you, or feels trapped, but I can't see how a guy whos actually attracted to his girlfriend, regardless of how tired he is, would only want to have sex with his girlfriend once every three weeks.

LegacyUser

I'm in a very similar situation with my bf. He's always too tired for it too. I've heard all the promises too, that things will improve, but it didnt for me. I havent put on any weight, I dress up in sexy lingerie, I have tried massaging him to destress him and he just isnt interested and says he's tired. I know he does masterbate every night too, which doesnt bother me, but that means he hasnt lost his drive. It makes me feel unwanted and ugly to have my guy not want me physically

LegacyUser

UnregEva wrote:

I'm in a very similar situation with my bf. He's always too tired for it too. I've heard all the promises too, that things will improve, but it didnt for me. I havent put on any weight, I dress up in sexy lingerie, I have tried massaging him to destress him and he just isnt interested and says he's tired. I know he does masterbate every night too, which doesnt bother me, but that means he hasnt lost his drive. It makes me feel unwanted and ugly to have my guy not want me physically

I'm sorry but clearly this guy doesn't want you. This tired excuse is complete bull****. NO one would always be too tired for sex. Again give him an ultimatum, either sort out your sex life or leave him. You don't have to go through this. There are plenty of nice guys out there waiting to sweep you off your feet.

cinnamon

OP and to the poster above - I completely feel for ye both. Was in a similar situation myself. My ex stopped having sex with me - we were still extremely affectionate however and were so close. I had a normal sex drive and would come onto him but he also told me he thought it was offputting.

I thought it was me so would do lots of exercise and wear sexy underwear and I know i looked good but he wouldnt even look at me. I started to feel really ugly and unattractive. Obviously we have split up but my advice is get out while you can. It nearly killed me splitting with my ex but it was doing my self esteem no favours at all.
You are worth so much more