Fights last for days on end

LegacyUser

Most arguments my partner and I have turn into fights that drag out for days and days. This drives me completely distracted and upsets me terribly and even though he knows this he still won’t budge and it is repeatedly me who tries to make the first move and him telling me to %&$*& off and give him space. It is not in my nature to be this hysterical but he has this effect on me and I get so worked up that he can be so cold by ignoring me completely despite knowing how upset I am or cruel by saying some pretty awful things in the heat of the moment or laughing at me when he does deign to pick up the phone. He has apologised before for this and does not enjoy being like this either but finds it hard to react differently as he feels backed into a corner.

I understand some people need to step back first after arguments but with him this drags on and on for days on end until eventually I’m all cried out and am left in a heap because he’s hurled every abuse at me because I’ve tried to call him to talk. He hangs up and hangs up and this gets me even more worked up and descends into this horrible cycle with me left leaving messages on his phone begging him to not let this happen again. It is only after things have reached this stage and I finally pick myself up to walk away that he then, a few days later, decides he does want to talk.

I’ve tried to take the approach of trying to nip arguments in the bud before they develop into these drawn-out fights and am not slow to say sorry in an effort to prevent them but although he’ll give out to me if he thinks for two seconds that I’m ignoring him, he still, when the shoe is on the other foot, insists on leaving things worsen every time. I’ve also tried to step back a bit and not be the one running to say sorry or solve things but no matter what I do he still has to leave it go that bit longer. He says he needs me to give him space and until i learn to leave things for a few days when we have arguments he will ignore any calls or texts. I’m trying my best to meet him halfway and to try and understand where he is coming from but I really find it so hurtful to leave things at this emotional standstill and it is really affecting me very badly.

I have to admit I am sceptical about posting in an internet forum about relationship issues but we can’t seem to come to any agreement on how to handle these arguments and I don’t know if I’m just being blind.

Please offer some balanced advice if you can because I think we both really need some help to break this cycle.

Beruthiel

Used-to-be-sane wrote:

Please offer some balanced advice if you can because I think we both really need some help to break this cycle.

Your partners behaviour is childish and immature in the extreem, I presume you're not teenagers?
The cycle cannot be broken unless your partner wants to break it, his behaviour and how he reacts to you is entirely his own doing and he can choose to behave differently if he wishes, as can you.

You do not say what all these fights are about, are they consistantly about the same thing or always about something different?
Secondly, are you fighting constantly or just your normal amount of disagreements that any relationship would have?
Also, who starts the fights, is it always the same person or both of ye?

Perhaps ye are just not meant to be together, some people can just bring out the worst in you, despite how you might feel about them otherwise.

He hangs up and hangs up and this gets me even more worked up and descends into this horrible cycle with me left leaving messages on his phone begging him to not let this happen again

As for the above, you enable his behaviour imo - Personally I wouldn't bother my arse phoning someone who hung up on me. It takes two to dance to this little tune and I'd have left him to it. Doubt I'd put up with too many tantrums like that before he'd get his walking papers. Life's too short for such bs from an adult who's supposed to care for you.

dellas1979

Yeah, can you give a bit more details?
How long ye are together etc? Age....

Well, you either both work on it (you cant keep running after him in desperation and he cant keep behaving like this).

Why do you run after him in deperation to solve/bring the argument to an end? Probably obviously because you are scared that he will break-up with you but would that be a bad thing in the state that you are in at the moment?

Are these arguments blown out of porportion (little normal arguments every couple has) or are they about something specific?

karen3212

I would definately like to know how long you have been together.
I think it has been proven time and again that most men only run after someone they think doesn't really want them. So if it is early in your relationship at least pretend you're not bothered too much whether you go out with him or not. I'm not too sure how you do this now though if you've been showing him that you'd be lost without him.
It seems to me anyway if he is asking for space he doesn't want you running after him. If you are mad about him as I say I advise you to pretend. This is only my opinion or feeling. As others have said more information is needed.

Marksie

I have sat here thinking about this for a while.

If you read "men are from mars etc." then it is claimed that men do not like to be put on the spot and would be prefer to step away and think (or sulk)about it.

To an extent that is true, but it shouldn't last for days.. itb smacks of dodging the issue. Certainly I sometimes step away and then come back later and resolve the argument when i have had either time to collect my thoughts or cool down a little. In this case the resolution is just not happening.

Certainly the abuse and phone slamming and laughing are not acceptable, though in teh heat of the moment it does happen i guess. But some of this is not heat of the moment.

It strikes me that he knows exactly how you will react when he slams the phone down, or laughs or gives abuse. Therefore it is a measure of control, deliberately knowing it will hurt and upset you. perhaps a way of "winning" the argument, not resolving it. In some perverse way he may feel some sense of satisfaction that you are leaving messages.. that you are someway dependant on him, not ignoring him, pushing it to the point where you are just walking away before "giving in". Perhaps even a sort of punishment.. a "there you go, bet you feel bad you started that argument" response.

Still some of that is supposition.

Certainly he knows how to push your buttons.

But i am going to play devils advocate to my own reasoning here and say we are viewing things from one side.

It may very well be that you are pushing his buttons too. The argument is then escalating beyond all reasonable boundaries and control.

How to resolve this:

Of course the standard answer would be that you dont put yourself in this situation any more and end the relationship (my guess is threats to do that would have him running). But you have to decide whether you are compatible.

The possibility of anger management or couples relation courses are there. though i belaive that his assertation that he doesnt want to act in such a fashion may be just to get you off his back test the water on that one and see if he is actually willing to go.

Finally it is not to respond to the phone slamming with any form of communication. He is relying on your response, if you refuse to respond in the way he expects then it may make hiim think.

In the end you do not need this, and to be honest neither does any relationship.

best of luck

Beruthiel

marksuttonie wrote:

Therefore it is a measure of control, deliberately knowing it will hurt and upset you. perhaps a way of "winning" the argument, not resolving it. In some perverse way he may feel some sense of satisfaction that you are leaving messages.. that you are someway dependant on him, not ignoring him, pushing it to the point where you are just walking away before "giving in". Perhaps even a sort of punishment.. a "there you go, bet you feel bad you started that argument" response.

I think you've hit the mark there Mark
I'm betting he's not even thinking that's what he's doing either, but the results the same.

LegacyUser

We’re not teenagers and it’s not the early stages of our relationship though it has been happening since then. The fights in themselves are often regular couple stuff though more frequent than i would like but it’s the handling of these arguments and the lack of a timely resolution that is the problem. It just seems to go from disagreement to defcon five before we know it and my efforts to stop that only seem to make things even worse.

boffin

From this reading this post all I could think was that your partner is a bit of a bully and selfish. I know one post cannot give enough history of a relationship and is just a snap shot but he is not being very fair. He leaves it to you to always make up and the fact that you say that you are always quick to say sorry so as to try and stop a fight from happening, sounds like a person who is afraid to some extent of their partner. This just strikes me as someone who is being emotionally affected to the point that you are afraid to say things in case it starts a fight. Maybe that is too extreme and maybe you can give more information but from your original post, it just seems that you are being really emotionally affected by a partner who is meant to love and respect you.

Couples have fights and say things they do not mean but why are you always the one left to make up? Because he knows that you always will come running to him? If you want to change this between you, he must want to change and now matter how much you want or will it too change, if he isn't willing too, then you will stay in this cycle where you are constantly having to say sorry in order to make up.

I know what I have said here is harsh and could be completely wrong but you asked you a variety of opinions of what you posted and this is mine.

Marksie

Beruthiel wrote:

I'm betting he's not even thinking that's what he's doing either, but the results the same.

Yep i think it may be either conscious or subconscious. To be honest I also think we are all, regardless of gender, capable of doing it, if not have done it at some point. Maybe not to that extreme. But if I extemporise, the little smile of satisfaction you get when you tell a boardsie that you are going to block em mid argument and then leave em sputtering. Its the same idea taken to a much higher level.

OP: only you can decide if that is the case, but that behaviour pattern is alterable, the first step is recognising it for what it is and making a conscious effort not to do it. Even a simple, "i am not going to slam the phone down on you, but can we talk about this later" would at least help. then on nyour part it would be a to agree not to phone him back, but tale the time to look at the issue.

Still i aint a psychologist

LegacyUser

marksuttonie wrote:

OP: only you can decide if that is the case, but that behaviour pattern is alterable, the first step is recognising it for what it is and making a conscious effort not to do it. Even a simple, "i am not going to slam the phone down on you, but can we talk about this later" would at least help. then on nyour part it would be a to agree not to phone him back, but tale the time to look at the issue.

Still i aint a psychologist

I can accept that when it’s a big argument but this behaviour starts over smaller tiffs too. I just find it difficult to let every fight go down the road of "I need space" or taking a few days apart. I am more of the ‘don’t go to sleep on an argument’ school of thought and though willing to give space on larger issues really can’t handle this being the case so frequently. Am I being oversensitive or indeed insensitive to his needs here?

Marksie

Used-to-be-sane wrote:

I can accept that when it’s a big argument but this behaviour starts over smaller tiffs too. I just find it difficult to let every fight go down the road of "I need space" or taking a few days apart. I am more of the ‘don’t go to sleep on an argument’ school of thought and though willing to give space on larger issues really can’t handle this being the case so frequently. Am I being oversensitive or indeed insensitive to his needs here?

No actually that is not what i was saying.
What i was saying was that rather than slam the phone down he would actually move to talk later about it. Not everyone is good on phones.

Are you saying that you wouldn't accept him saying can we talk face to face rather than immediately and on the phone?

Edit: and could you give us an example of a small issue if possible?

LegacyUser

No I'd be delighted if he did say that and then come to me to sort it through. I can accept he deals with and processes things in a different way to me but even if I try to a) stop the fight starting at the very onset or b) try make a truce hours later he still ignores me or starts shouting even if the squabble is over something relatively small.

boffin

imo you are not being over sensitive - in my own experience a boyfriend once told me to f*** off in a fight - well it was the first and last time he said it. However I know other couples who constantly curse at each other in fights. It depends on what you are willing to put up with but for me its a big no no. Some people have these stormy relationships where its up and down with major highs and major fights - you have to decide whether you are willing to have that type of relationship because as you said it has always been like that. That's just the way it is some times - you can have a relationship with someone and for some reason you can just push each others buttons so that it turns into a massive row over something little. Either you...

(a) ask you partner to go to councelling or research together other strategies to dispel or deal with the fights (I say this because it sounds from your post that you are together a long time and want to work things out). He knows he acts this way, knows that it hurts you, says that he doesn't like it either but says he can't change - well then get help to change it if its hurting you and your relationship this much.

(b) you accept that is the way he will always react and learn to leave him alone and live with it. Which I don't think is possible anymore as you seem to have had enough of it

(c)or decide that is not what you want anymore.

Maybe someone can give you other options...

LegacyUser

boffin wrote:

imo you are not being over sensitive - in my own experience a boyfriend once told me to f*** off in a fight - well it was the first and last time he said it. However I know other couples who constantly curse at each other in fights. It depends on what you are willing to put up with but for me its a big no no. Some people have these stormy relationships where its up and down with major highs and major fights - you have to decide whether you are willing to have that type of relationship because as you said it has always been like that. That's just the way it is some times - you can have a relationship with someone and for some reason you can just push each others buttons so that it turns into a massive row over something little. Either you...

(a) ask you partner to go to councelling or research together other strategies to dispel or deal with the fights (I say this because it sounds from your post that you are together a long time and want to work things out). He knows he acts this way, knows that it hurts you, says that he doesn't like it either but says he can't change - well then get help to change it if its hurting you and your relationship this much.

(b) you accept that is the way he will always react and learn to leave him alone and live with it. Which I don't think is possible anymore as you seem to have had enough of it

(c)or decide that is not what you want anymore.

Maybe someone can give you other options...

I raised the question of counselling and he feels we should be able to sort this out ourselves.

I am obviously pushing all his buttons here too and I don't want to at all but don't know what to do to get some sort of happy medium in how we deal with these fights or how we can avoid arguments escalating to that level.

It's just as hurtful for him too to be in this mess and I am no saint and have said some things I shouldn't have as well and find myself being sensitive in ways I might not have before because I feel like things are settled on his terms.

impr0v

Your partner gets a reward from the 'fight, make-up' process and your reactions to it are an integral part of the reward. The root is likely to be in some dispute resolution process that he picked up earlier in his life, whereby he either used a similar mechanism to get feedback from someone he loved and who wasn't overly demonstrative, or someone he saw repeatedly and sucessfully using a similar technique.

Basically he uses the fight cycle to reassure himself of how you feel about him, and that you need, respect him, etc.

My advice is, if you aren't very forward in reassuring him verbally, physically of this, then try doing so a bit more and see if there's any effect. It's perfectly possible that you do this already, but in some cases an individual can only get the affirmation he/she needs from some associated process, such as a fight cycle like the above, and be totally blind to obvious expressions of love and affection.

In addition, try just doing the walk-away part straight-away, i.e. realise that what's being played out is a kind of routine, as opposed to a make or break fight, and skip all the crying and leaving messages, etc. See what happens then.

To be honest, I'd doubt you'll change him, as emotionally he sees to be quite juvenile. You can suggest counselling to him, but I'd imagine that won't get a very favourable reaction. If you want to protect yourself from further hurt, it's best to get out.

*Edit: posted before your above reply re counselling

Beruthiel

Used-to-be-sane wrote:

I raised the question of counselling and he feels we should be able to sort this out ourselves.

But apparently you're not though.

try make a truce hours later he still ignores me or starts shouting even if the squabble is over something relatively small

If this is the case, then the man has some issues with regards to managing his anger. He needs to talk to a professional about that.

Constantly fighting can be a draining experience. Every time it happens you are less interested in it or it's out come. The time will come when you will have taken all you're going to, one silly fight over nothing and it will be the last straw for you.
Do something before that happens, or leave.

Marksie

Used-to-be-sane wrote:

I raised the question of counselling and he feels we should be able to sort this out ourselves.

Its not happening thugh is it used-to be sane.
You may have to revisit the idea of going to see someone. Even if it is just to get the whole thing moving.

I am getitng an inlking that your partner doesn't like to back down or admit to anything or show weakness. the fact he says you should be able to sort it out yourselves is indicative of this.

EDIT: it doesn't seem to be painting a pretty picture at the moment. And for sure he has issues.
One thought occurred to me, i don't know if it would work. He may have a big issue with the idea of going to a counsellor as it has certain implications for some people.
Try a different tack..... talk about going to mediation. thus you are saking for the services of a mediator or trained facilitator. In that way it circumnavigates the idea that Counselling= "something wrong with me" and you can express your views with someone else there to channel the meeting.

I am not sure he will be open to do that though, but it may work as a sideways approach to resolving the issue

dellas1979

Why not try something different when you fight.

"I am going to go cool down for a bit, Ill talk to you later" and then leave the room/house etc.....it is important to leave but also to let him know that you will be back.....maybe kiss him on the forehead or something (this lets him know you are not abandoning him, just simply leaving because something isnt right-plus also he cant say that you stormed out).

Dont ring him/contact him while furious. When you are ready/calm, ring and say "I am ready to discuss this when you are ready"....ball is back in his court.

do not say anything like "I am going to go cool down for a bit and suggest you do the same......." argument will kick off again.

Always stay with "I" when its an argument. If its always "you said", "you did" it can get a bit offensive and this gets people's back-up.

Plus using "I" suggests that you are taking control of the situation.

boffin

Used-to-be-sane wrote:

I raised the question of counselling and he feels we should be able to sort this out ourselves.

I am obviously pushing all his buttons here too and I don't want to at all but don't know what to do to get some sort of happy medium in how we deal with these fights or how we can avoid arguments escalating to that level.

It's just as hurtful for him too to be in this mess and I am no saint and have said some things I shouldn't have as well and find myself being sensitive in ways I might not have before because I feel like things are settled on his terms.

But you both haven't been able to sort out on your own and no matter what you say in terms of getting a happy medium - you both have to want it and seriously commit to finding a way. If your partner won't do mediation as suggested by mark then you will either have to find other strategies together - maybe you could look online together or buy a self-help book - I know it sounds corney but they isn't any other options I can see. If you carry on this way, you will be miserable so it will take BOTH of you to find a way to fix this. You can't do it on your own without your partner commiting to finding a way as well for him to deal with his anger. At least you are trying to find a solution to fix this problem.

If he says that he is not willing to do this then you will need to ask yourself serious questions about whether you think anything will seriously change if you continue as it is. Have you ever got to a point where you have left it up to him to contact you after a fight? In that you have said to him that the things that you have said to me are really hurtful (i.e. you can't have thrown insults at him) and leave it for him to aplogise to you?

Marksie

boffin wrote:

I know it sounds corney but they isn't any other options I can see.

Well Beruthiel said it at the beginning as regards walking papers. If he still refuses, essentially (and metaphorocally if they are not living together) his stuff is on the lawn, locks changed and a note saying I have had enough, mediation or goodbye

boffin

marksuttonie wrote:

Well Beruthiel said it at the beginning as regards walking papers. If he still refuses, essentially (and metaphorocally if they are not living together) his stuff is on the lawn, locks changed and a note saying I have had enough, mediation or goodbye

I mean in terms of trying to sort it out between them. I gave other options earlier (b) come to terms with that's they way it will always be between them or (c) leave him.

I gave those options as that last I could see in terms of trying to change their pattern of behaviour during fights as the OP seems to have ignored options b and c when replying to my post, so I guessed that they weren't options that were being considered by the OP.

karen3212

I know people too who are comfortable arguing a lot in relationships but everyone is different.
I'm still only guessing here, but I think there is an imbalance of power in the relationship,
either you are want to stay with him more and he kinda knows it
or
he wants to stay with you more and you kinda know it - he feels vulnerable, disposable and needs reassurance

As I think nobody knows anything about someone else for sure.

So the first case, he runs until he thinks you won't run after him and then trots back. What would I do in this case, I would let him contact me after the fights and make your mind believe you can live without him, pretend for a while if you have to.

Second case, reassure him as best you can and let him know how much you care for him.

logic

tbh, I was like that. When a argument occured, my anger would get the better of me and I'm what you'd call passive aggressive. I would talk to my partner for days and if I did I would be cold and keep dragging the fight on. My parents where like that, I never realised that but I think thats where I got it from. Thats only an assumption on my part though.

I'm not sure really how I stopped, my partner is totally the opposite when it comes to an argument, she would be over it in minutes usually and would apologise in most cases even if I caused the argument. She explained how
bad it was hurting her when I went on like this. Next time it happened I was
more aware of how much it was hurting her, it wasn't a fight anymore it was just me hurting the one I love. Try and emphasie to him that the fight is over and to let his anger go. Hopefully he might see his stubborness is causing you harm.

LegacyUser

'

karen3212 wrote:

I know people too who are comfortable arguing a lot in relationships but everyone is different.
I'm still only guessing here, but I think there is an imbalance of power in the relationship,
either you are want to stay with him more and he kinda knows it
or
he wants to stay with you more and you kinda know it - he feels vulnerable, disposable and needs reassurance

As I think nobody knows anything about someone else for sure.

So the first case, he runs until he thinks you won't run after him and then trots back. What would I do in this case, I would let him contact me after the fights and make your mind believe you can live without him, pretend for a while if you have to.

Second case, reassure him as best you can and let him know how much you care for him.

He is left in no doubt as to my feelings for him and knows I would do anything for him.

We're together long enough not to have play these games, or so I would hope. That's what drives me insane. It feels like playground antics not to be able to discuss things but he says he feels the same when I call or text before he's had enough time to cool down.

We can't seem to strike the balance between the two and I end up feeling like he's not willing to compromise on how long things are left and when.

Feel like I'm chasing my tail!'

dellas1979

So, what are you going to do about the situation? Or what do you want to do?

Plently of points of views here, if thats what you are looking for.

Or will it eventually culminate into a situation, something like "straw, camel, back"?

LegacyUser

'What I want... is to be able to discuss things.

To be able for us to handle fights appropriately and not to have to leave even smaller tiffs snowball into all out warfare! I want him not to feel like I'm choking him because I want to talk about something sooner than he does and I want to be able to feel like I'm worth it to him to step outside his comfort zone on the issue of how long things are left because I'm actually really trying to as well.

What I'm going to do.. I don't know.

But I really appreciate all the responses so far.'

Femelade

I was in a similar situation. The only option was to get out of the relationship..a very hard thing to do, but better in the long run...
You dont deserve that mental abuse time and time again....

LegacyUser

'

Femmy wrote:

I was in a similar situation. The only option was to get out of the relationship..a very hard thing to do, but better in the long run...
You dont deserve that mental abuse time and time again....

This is something I'm very reluctant to do as I know the right feelings are there and that it is something we both have to make changes with.

Though I probably sound like some weakling in saying this i really love this person and it kills me to walk away from him when just a few changes on both sides could clear the way to a future together. I'm trying to give him more space as requested when we do fight but it seems like he just keeps pushing the bar back and I can't ever win.

You've all given me some well-considered advice and I'm still a bit stuck as to where this will go. It hasn't fallen on deaf ears it's just bloody hard to unravel these feelings.

Thanks.'

karen3212

It's tough alright, as I thought most relationships settled down and became stable within a few years at most.
Did you enjoy the excitement of the parting and making up once and have you just grown out of it?
One of my friends always goes on hols with her friends and makes sure she is away from her partner every 6 months or so for a week as she maintains it does her relationship the world of good. So perhaps the absence is keeping the excitement raised, maybe he still enjoys that. People can say one thing and mean another completely, only judge by his actions.
Perhaps if you are living together, you might think about at least moving out.
Certainly do not make the move towards reconciliation next time. Let him do it.

I'm still only giving my opinions, I wish there was a psychologist here who could help.

Crea

Used-to-be-sane wrote:

'


He is left in no doubt as to my feelings for him and knows I would do anything for him.

We're together long enough not to have play these games, or so I would hope. That's what drives me insane. It feels like playground antics not to be able to discuss things but he says he feels the same when I call or text before he's had enough time to cool down.

We can't seem to strike the balance between the two and I end up feeling like he's not willing to compromise on how long things are left and when.

Feel like I'm chasing my tail!'

You need to not call him and let him call you after he has cooled down. You know that calling him annoys him yet you persevere in doing it.
He probably enjoys the control he has and the fact that you get so worked up reinforces to him that he is the dominant partner. Break this cycle by not calling him.
My husband was a bit like this. He'd cool down/sulk for a couple of days and i'd be at my wits end. Eventually I decided not to talk to him until he was ready to talk to me. Boy did he get some land? He was chasing after me wondering why I wasn't talking to him and apologising. I had a good chat with him once we had made up letting him know how much this sulking (I didn't use the word) upset me and he told me how he needed to step back from a situation in order to get his head straight. Now I give him his space but he makes sure to talk to me but not about the row and there's always a kiss goodnight. When we do talk about the row then he has had time to think and i'm not a bucket of resentment and nerves. Usually he only needs a day to think things out once I leave him to it.
Works for us.