Baby Blues

LegacyUser

I'm sorry, I prob shouldn't even be posting this, as there's no advice anyone can really give me, I'm just feeling a little down, & there's no one I can talk to.

My Cuz has just told me she's pregnant.
Naturally I'm delighted for her, it's wonderful news.

But, I can't help but feel so jealous.

You see, there are several of us all the one age, always been compared (not in a nasty way) with each other all ours lives.
All the rest are now either married, or about to get married.

I'm not.
That's excellent say most of you, unfortunately, it's what I want more than anything in the world. My little hubby, in our little house with our little baby.

A few years ago it'd would've looked to everyone that that was exactly where I was headed.
Very long term partner, living together etc.
Unfortunately he didn't want what I wanted & so I had to say goodbye.
I put myself back in square 1.

Now, I have a very special person in my life, & one day it will happen, just not anytime soon.

I look at all the people my age around me & most of them are where I want to be, but I'm nowhere near there yet.

I've contented myself before by saying "well, such & such is different to me in such a way", therefore I could distance their situation from myself, but this is my cuz, we grew up together, I'm actually older. I can't distance myself in any way.

I don't begrudge her happiness, I just wish we could be sharing the experience.

It's not good wishing your life away, but I wish I could fast forward a few years.

Miss Fluff

BabyBlues wrote:

You see, there are several of us all the one age, always been compared (not in a nasty way) with each other all ours lives.(

Excuse my presumptuousness but from your post I'd expect that you have grown up in the same area all your life, have had the same friends and lived quite an insular cocooned life. DARE TO BE DIFFERENT sweetie! OK, so because you are no longer wearing the same school uniform and kissing the same group of boys and adoring the same boybands, does it mean that everything else has to be the same and you have to share the same life experiences at the same time?? What's the rush? What's meant for you won't pass you by and for others it happens sooner. Relax already and enjoy the life you are living now rather than wishing your life away on an existence that your peers have, life ain't a competition.

dellas1979

Hope this makes sense.....

When I was 18, I had to get a car and got a full licence (had no choice-i lived in the sticks!no one would drive me anywhere). People were jealous "oh yer one with her car"....blah blah blah. I used to say to them, some day youll have a licence and a car. They still looked at me...

Anyways, cut forward 10 years and now they are all driving (haha their own cars I presume!). Point of the story is that some people get things sooner than other, but everyone eventually catches up. You just cant see it because you are the one wanting it.

Strange way to put it, but thats what I think.

LegacyUser

Of course it's not, & that's not what I was saying.

I've wanted a child now for 3-4 years.
It'll now be at least 3-4 years before I have one.

I'm not saying it's not fair that she's getting one & I'm not or anything like that.
Just it took me by surprise & has made my longing even more painful.

NextSteps

Wanting a baby is totally normal and I know exactly what you mean. It's a very powerful feeling and can really get you down. I've no advice, but perhaps if you want to hurry things along, why not talk to your 'someone special'? Perhaps he'd feel the same, or even be happy for you to mention it first? Why not propose?

SarahSassy

I know exactly how you feel as a lot of friends have had babies recently and I would love to know I will have kids... To add insult to injury there is NO man on my horizon and the clock is definitely ticking. Here's to hoping the right man for me arrives sooner rather than later...

Have you considered having a child without your partner - going to a sperm bank for example? Obviously only if he does not want ot have kids with you...

Oryx

A few years ago when I was childless, one by one my friends fell pregnant. When I realised I was the only one without a child, it hurt like hell. I felt like I was missing out, I so wanted a baby too, i felt like i was ready but my life wasnt. So I can understand its a horrible, painful feeling.

There are two cures. One is to have a baby. Which is not really an option right now, given what youve said about your situation. The other is to come to terms with it in your own head. Yes, you want a child badly, it really is a physical urge, but you need to find a way to become content with the fact that its a few years away yet. Try not to compare yourself to others, (therell always be things to compare!) and look forward to your own future, which is not on the same path as your peers right now, but youll get to the same place.:)

Sorry I cant offer an easy solution, but I have been there, and I sympathise.

Victor

BabyBlues wrote:

I don't begrudge her happiness, I just wish we could be sharing the experience.

Then share the experience. OK, you won't be popping one out, but that doesn't mean you can't be there for her and the baby.

PS 48 hours with 4 kids on your own may change your mind.

The_Conductor

Victor wrote:

PS 48 hours with 4 kids on your own may change your mind.

Lol....
Seriously though- as per above, why don't you sit down with your significant other, and talk things through with him? Perhaps phrase things carefully, so that you don't terrify the guy. You may be surprised- guys do love the idea of having kids too. Think things through in your own head first though- so that you show that it is something thats feasible that is possible- and not a spur of the moment thing.

What you are feeling is entirely natural. If your previous partner wasn't right for you- its good that you had the strenght to call time on things and move on.

Best of good luck.

Beruthiel

BabyBlues wrote:

You see, there are several of us all the one age, always been compared (not in a nasty way) with each other all ours lives.
All the rest are now either married, or about to get married.

So what?
Seriously, do you think because of the above, their lives are perfect?
Not one of us has a 100% perfect life, we all want things we cannot have. Learn to appreciate what you have instead of always seeing the glass as half empty.

My little hubby, in our little house with our little baby.

I had all that, it went pear shaped, that was the last thing I ever expected to happen.
My point being, you must live for now, not looking to the far future thinking that it will all be rosy then.
None of us can predict where we will be in 10 years time, it never turns out like we expected. I repeat, live for now, if you want a baby, have one now.

I've contented myself before by saying "well, such & such is different to me in such a way", therefore I could distance their situation from myself, but this is my cuz, we grew up together, I'm actually older. I can't distance myself in any way.

If you don't mind me saying, your view of the world is very narrow, that is resulting in your envy right now. Open your mind, live your life by your own standards and expections, not by what you see around you and how others are living theirs.

It's not good wishing your life away, but I wish I could fast forward a few years.

Wishing your life away, think about that for a moment, you'll be dead in x amount of years, they fly by, what did you do today to make the trip interesting?

Marksie

SarahSassy wrote:

To add insult to injury there is NO man on my horizon and the clock is definitely ticking. Here's to hoping the right man for me arrives sooner rather than later...

But are you doing the best to find a partner who wants kids sarahsassy? Hoping won't do it unfortunately and unless your extremely lucky they wont fall in your lap.

all the best
m

LegacyUser

'Thanks for all your posts.

Yea, I know there's nothing I can do but wait for now, & that I have to just enjoy what I have at the minute instead of wishing my life to go past me.

& tbh, where I am right now isn't a bad place, so I should be glad & grateful, & I am to an extent, it's just something feels missing, & that something is a baby.

I've been a very settled person all my life, & didn't need to get all the 'wild days' out of my system, if you know what I mean.

boring maybe, but I've been ready to settle down a long time ago.
I've baby sat & looked after children all my life & it's always been said "oh you're a natural", "lucky the child who has you for a mum", etc, etc.
Those comments don't help me right now, because that's all I want.

Yes, my partner & I have discussed children & he does want them too, just not at the moment & time.
It's as was said before, women who want children have this biological clock ticking, that men just don't hear.
He has no time limit, so is not in any rush, whereas I want them sooner rather than later.
To make things harder, I watch him with kids every day (not his own, he doesn't have any) & he's SO brilliant with them. I mean, he takes friends / neighbours kids away on day trips, to rallys, football etc, etc, etc, because their own fathers are too lazy to. Goo's at little babies as much as any woman would.
I watch him do this & it just makes me feel how lucky our future children will be to have a daddy like him, which makes me want them even more.

We've discussed timeframes, & as they'll be OUR children, it needs to be a joint decision.
I'm not about to say "we ARE trying for a baby NOW"
So, basically:- I'd like them anytime soon, he'd like them in about 5 years, so we'll prob try around 3 years from now.

I know this is the right thing to do, because we need to get our lives on track & get house, finances etc sorted. But being all level-headed & sensible about it, doesn't help emotional pinings.

Ah well, there's a lot worse things I could be posting about.
Thanks for listening'

iguana

OP, I think that what you really need to do is fill your life with fun stuff that you couldn't do if you had a baby. It won't take the longing away, but it will help. And in a few years when you do have a baby you will have some great memories of a last few years of carefree fun.

Crea

Well at least you have a time frame - 3 years. In the mean time do all the stuff as a couple that you won't be able to do for ages after having a baby. Go on foreign holildays, definitely try ski-ing once, go on romantic weekends away. Build a good solid foundation for your relationship so that baby will have secure family to come into.
There is no logic to yearning for a baby, it's something that's there but don't let it take over your life. Also, just say your partner couldn't have children, what would you do then? Focus on your relationship with your partner, there'll be no baby without that.

SarahSassy

marksuttonie wrote:

But are you doing the best to find a partner who wants kids sarahsassy? Hoping won't do it unfortunately and unless your extremely lucky they wont fall in your lap.

all the best
m

Oh I am..... You should have read some of my other threads

Marksie

SarahSassy wrote:

Oh I am..... You should have read some of my other threads

. Excellent

Crea

marksuttonie wrote:

. Excellent

Is that Excellent - nudge nudge or excellent - great?

Mark meet Sarah, Sarah meet Mark

kelle

Beruthiel wrote:

So what?
Seriously, do you think because of the above, their lives are perfect?
Not one of us has a 100% perfect life, we all want things we cannot have. Learn to appreciate what you have instead of always seeing the glass as half empty.

Actually, babyblues, I'd like to tell you something that happened to me a few years ago. I became very depressed after my daughter was born, I had 2 children under 2 and it was difficult and exhausting. To make it worse, she had a cleft palate, couldn't feed properly, she cried constantly as she was always hungry, she needed an operation and all I could think was she was gonna die after the operation!!!! Then our friends went on a ski-ing holiday, and I spent 7 days bitter with jealousy (I even scared myself with how jealous I was) - then i calmed down when they returned.
I didn't find out till months later she wanted children, had a few miscarriages and her husband treated her to that ski holiday to cheer her up after another miscarriage! How I cried when I heard that, and I hated myself for being jealous (I'm putting it down to hormones!).
This is the happy ending - 4 years later, this couple are now the proud parents of 2 children, my daughter had her operation and she's fine!

Beruthiel is so right. Your friend probably envy your freedom. And, maybe in three years time, you'll be the exhausted mother of 2 under 2....