Trapped

Caged Animal

Having a few problems lately with the wife and the job and have nowhere else to turn.

I'm like a caged animal in both and sometimes get so depressed I feel sick.
Got married under 2 years ago and it seems that I have a much higher sex drive than her. Well she doesn't seem to care about the sex side of things. Basically we only have sex about once a month.
I could do it 3 times a week if you know what I mean.
She is always sick or tired and I'm frustrated beyond belief, finding it hard to go on. Weekend after weekend starts and ends with no satisfaction, it doesn't help that she is working nearly ever weekend and I work Monday to Friday. I can't get it through to her how much sex means to me. What she doesn't know is I go onto naughty websites when she's at work, for up to 3 hours at a time. I look forward to that more than I probably should. But we don't have the computer that long. Feel very trapped by her, she won't drive, and moans when I say I'm going out, all she wants to do is cuddle on the couch watching TV - that's her way of de-stressing..she doesn't even want to watch movies most of the time which kills me as I love movies
The lads I meet I wouldn't talk to about things like this. I only meet them very very rarely as I live quite far from the city. She is working again next weekend and I think I might head into town alone to put the cat amongst the pigeons - I'd happily have sex with a complete stranger to be quite honest. I'm quite good looking and can attract girls. Reaching the end of my tether in this relationship. Don't even know why I got married, bit of a mistake I think. We are both in our 30's by the way. Love the house we got though, i know we are lucky to have it.
We used to have sex in the car believe it or not before we got married but since we started living together the sex life is so bad its unreal. She won't take my name and plans never to have kids either.
This is probably why my work situation is bad, I feel frustrated. 2 lads I was good friends with in my team there are gone and I feel very alone in there now, and by Friday I'm a wreck. Have to keep on psychologically trying to motivate myself but when I wake up the next morning before work after another sexless evening, my depression is very bad indeed. The morale is very bad on the floor, and the work I do incredibly boring..but the money is good and the location is good for the trains.
I am artistic but never followed a career in my creativity unfortunately.
So I suppose this thread is for advice, 2007 has been very very bad for me so far. I have slightly contemplated suicide, maybe not seriously but do wish I was dead the odd time.

StormWarrior

I don't think cheating's the answer. I had a boyfriend a bit like your wife before. As soon as I stopped trying to get sex from him, he came running. Maybe your wife feels pressured, that would be a turn off for anyone.

At the end of the day though, I understand your frustration. You can't be expected to live without sex for the rest of your life. Maybe you could try marriage guidance. If that doesn't work then maybe you should split up, if your current situation is making you feel suicidal.

btw, maybe you should show what you have written here to your wife.

easyontheeye

hi,

from what you have said it seems theres more here going on than sex, little things that you should be able to enjoy together you seem to both have different ideas, like going out, stayingin, movies etc ... what exactly do you enjoy doing together?

is there a chance you are just not compatible? Seriously you need to tell her all this, yis are only married 2 years, imagine what the next 20 will be like if you dont talk about it?!

BTW no kids???? did you know that before you married her? I'd seriously be pissed off if my wife to be never made that clear to me! i could not marry a woman who does not want to have kids. Is she depressed? lazy?

only advice i think you can get is to talk to her openly and suggest marriage councilling if the need be.

Caged Animal

Hi thanks for your replies.
I think her goal in life was husband/house/chaffeur whatever so she can say to her friends "Look at me, you thought I wouldn't get anywhere now look at me" and now she has achieved that she hs become lazy and not willing to put the effort into the relationship anymore. She has basically lost contact with her friends and never goes out, we go to a restaurant once a month and thats it. She doesn't drink anymore and doesn't want to go out to pubs or concerts. She likes to plan holidays months in advance so she can say "I've been there and done that" but the truth is whenever we go to those places its a chore getting her to do anything other than the basics. She won't drive, or even walk too much. She just has no energy about her at all. She was off sick for a week just there and said the walls were closing in on her, even when she was feeling better she didn't think of going out for a ramble, not once. Routinely I get texts from her "Horrible day in work, looking forward to TLC later" and she comes in stressed and doesn't want anything from me except the odd backrub.
Its hard for me to get across what its like; she comes home from work, sleeps, gets up and wants to sit flicking through the channels then goes back to bed. If I try and get close she pushes me away and says things like "I feel a bit funny down there" and "I've got a terrible headache". Then she goes to bed early.
Yes she hinted about the kids situation before I got married but that's not the major concern at the moment, jusy thought I'd mention it to give an insight into her character. By the way I get on with her family but she hates mine.

dublinlawyer

You defo need to start talking to each other about these issues. Its all about communication. You want to put across your problems to her in a sympathetic way. In other words listen to what she says as opposed to jumpting to conclusions such as
I think her goal in life was husband/house/chaffeur
She likes to plan holidays months in advance so she can say "I've been there and done that
By the way I get on with her family but she hates mine.

I mean after talking through these things you might find that those conclusions arent correct. If they are then you have to ask serious questions but there are many other explanations for her behaviour.
Thats my twopence worth.

chump

sounds harsh... probably is no easy way out of this thing.

First you need to make a pledge to yourself that you are going to get out of the situation if it hasn't improved by X time.

Once you've done that it should make it easier to talk to her about all these things - because at the end of the day you've already committed to leaving unless things improve.

She's going to get hurt either way - better to try and make a go of it (if you feel it is worth it) sooner rather than later.

Basically get your act together, and make the tough decision.

Caged Animal

We've already spoken about it. She says "I know I'll try and improve baby". It might be better for a week then its back to the old routine. Probably my fault too, I get very annoyed and frustrated sometimes because I can't seem to do anything right. I touch her and she throws my arm off, the phone rings and the knocks a drink all over the floor and it ruins everything. Her nerves are gone. She takes too much paracetemol. She is afraid of sex aswell, she is afraid of it hurting her and she's had cystitis a few times. So its all a pschological mess and now we've gone 7 weeks without having sex, and when we finally do its usually a very disappointing event. A councellor is in order I think.

Jeanious

hi there, would there be any chance she has depression or somethin like it, caged? as in clinical depression? From what little i know about it, some of the symptoms are lack of motivation, lack of interest in sex and somethin like feeling isolated and not bein able to intereact with people. is this possible?

StormWarrior

easyontheeye wrote:

hi,

BTW no kids???? did you know that before you married her? I'd seriously be pissed off if my wife to be never made that clear to me! i could not marry a woman who does not want to have kids. Is she depressed? lazy?

.

I really hope you're not implying that women who don't want kids must be depressed or lazy, as that would be incredibly offensive.

Caged Animal

Caged Animal wrote:

I am artistic but never followed a career in my creativity unfortunately.

Most important remark thrown in here at the end, perhaps?

Alfasudcrazy

Seems to me that both of you are depressed. But your depression is mainly driven by hers. Not being married myself I may not be the best person to give advice but I agree that if after discussing things with her and finding after some time that its not improving then get out of the relationship and if needed try to change your job.

Just trundling along like you are at present hoping things will eventually improve is only going to damage you as a person. Perhaps not having kids is a good thing right now too.

I sometimes wish I was married but the description you gave of your life kinda makes me glad I am not.

dame

Could either or both of you change job? It sounds as if neither of you are fulfilled in that department.

Could you find some weekend art & craft type course that you could do yourself for the moment, while she's at work?

Would she be more willing to go for a stroll if you both went for a short one together in the evenings? Getting out and about with a bit of exercise might help her lack of energy and get her more interested in other things.

Maybe the films you like aren't her cup of tea? Would it help if you let her choose the film the next few times?

Have you bought the house in an area she didn't know very well and has no friends nearby? Is the house too far from the nearest town to walk? Why does she refuse to drive? Was she in a bad crash once upon a time or is she just terrified of getting behind the wheel? Would counselling or hyponotherapy or something help her conquer that fear and get driving? If she was driving herself she might be more inclined to go out more. Maybe she feels bad asking you to bring her places all the time so she doesn't unless it's really necessary.

Sorry there's nothing very strong here but just a few small suggestions.

I agree with earlier observations that she may be depressed. I'm not sure what you could do about that though. Maybe others might have suggestions on how to go about suggesting a visit the doctor. The marriage counsellor is probably a good idea too.

StormWarrior

Another thought, does your wife still fancy you? Have you put on weight or something lately, maybe that's why she doesn't want sex.

Marksie

It is not uncommon for individuals within a couple to have differeing sex drives, but that isn't really the issue here.

This is one of communication and connection to each other. This appears to have been sacrificed for material gains... not only do you state that in efect you are a trophy husband. But you also state that you got a great house etc.
So it is perhaps not just one sided.

You claim to have communicated this to your wife and she says she will improve and it does for a week and then slides, so she is dong it juts for you with no interest?, but you say you may be in part responsible for this. A good sexual relationship is not about taking each oter for granted or expecting the other to suddenly do things that hadn't been done before.

So, in the philosophy is study it puts the onus on the self to do something about it. As its says..if you want your poartner to be a good lover, become one yourself. Getting angry, frustrated and not building on it will not do this.

But outside of teh bedroom... why wont she take your name, it really is a time to put the cat amongst the pigeons as you say, but not by having sex with others but by going to a suitable marriage counselling service.

So you have an artistic temperment? What is to stop you expressing this either outside of work (the sex life is an obvious start) or finding a job which will incorporate it?

My guess is it boils down to money in that aspect as it was brought up several times.

DublinWriter

Caged,

Right now a lot of things seem to be going wrong for you, and like many people in your situtation you are lumping them all together into one big storm cloud.

You should seperate your professional from your personal problems. You can tackle them one-by-one, but not all at the same time.

Regarding your marriage - you really need to communicate, end of story.

I've a lot of mates in the same situation as yourself and it doesn't get better, only worse if you don't communicate.

You really need to sit down with your missus and gently explain some of your lesser issues, guage her reaction and take it from there. Depending on how it goes, you might even suggest going to a marriage counsellor.

What I will also say to you is don't try and save the marriage just for it's own sake. If you can't resolve some of the major issues with your missus, then you may be best apart. The important thing to be able to say to yourself after all this "At least I tried".


Best of luck,

DW.

Miss Fluff

IMO you are both stuck in a massive rut and need to start over again. You both seem to be suffering from frustration/inertia/anger and yet neither of you seem to be able to communicate it effectively. Put a call through to these guys, bite the bullet and go make an appointment http://www.mrcs.ie/
You could go out and score a randomer at the weekend to satisfy your frustration but I think its a foolish short-term measure for what is evidently an ongoing and long-term problem, it really won't solve anything. Maybe the marriage is worth saving, maybe it's not, but at least be proactive and seek help and that way you can make an informed decision on whether to go your seperate ways or not.

Beruthiel

Caged Animal wrote:

I touch her and she throws my arm off, the phone rings and the knocks a drink all over the floor and it ruins everything. Her nerves are gone.

Why do I think there's more going on here than you're saying? Why are her nerves gone? Is she depressed in some way? Is she getting help for that?

and when we finally do its usually a very disappointing event.

What have you done so far to bring the romance back into your relationship?

A councellor is in order I think.

Without a doubt, and the sooner the better. You both need to start talking to each other, right now all I'm hearing is bitterness and a total lack of communication. Don't do anything drastic until you've tried to sort it out.
best of luck

BaZmO*

Caged Animal wrote:

Feel very trapped by her, she won't drive, and moans when I say I'm going out, all she wants to do is cuddle on the couch watching TV - that's her way of de-stressing..

Do you not think that helping her de-stress is an important factor you're over looking?

Maybe she feels trapped by you. She comes home from work all stressed and then she's greeted by, "Can we have sex?" to which she replies, "Sorry honey, I tired and and a bit stressed" and then you get in the huffs and say that you're going out with your mates. It just turns into a vicious cycle. Maybe you need to pay attention to her needs for a while and try to get closer to her and that way it might be possible to gain her trust and find out why she has been feeling down.

Kell

Caged Animal wrote:

I think her goal in life was husband/house/chaffeur whatever so she can say to her friends "Look at me, you thought I wouldn't get anywhere now look at me" and now she has achieved that she has become lazy and not willing to put the effort into the relationship anymore.

whenever we go to those places its a chore getting her to do anything other than the basics.

Its hard for me to get across what its like; she comes home from work, sleeps, gets up and wants to sit flicking through the channels then goes back to bed.

Um, the above sum it all up for me. Question- why on earth did you marry someone like this? The extent of where she is at doesnt materialise overnight and you have either been ignoring the obvious for a long time or have chosen to let it slide. How can you be around someone, presumably for a number of years before you get married, and not SEE what they are like?

Be honest with yourself. Remove the present and just look at the past and ask yourself if you would marry her again based on what you knew at the time. Did you feel pressured to get married?

What would I do? Leave her. You can make excuses for someone for a lifetime, but you'll wind up destroying your soul. DONT do the dirt as you'll wind up being the cúnt.

Whether she has the resources to give whats needed to the relationship is neither here nor there. Its not your fault you are in this mess with your wife, but it is your problem which is always the worst kind. You have given an extended period of your life over to someone who brings you little in return. Yes, something may be going on with her, but she hasnt given a second thought to YOUR situation in spite of trying to talk about it.

Ultimatum time my friend. Start contributing to a healthy relationship or I will go find someone who will.

K-

hottstuff

To the OP:

There may be a post on some forums entitled : " My husband treats me as a sex recepticle "
She may feel like you only need her for sex , and this is a BIG NO NO for a couple.

I understand you need sex , but usually , MOST women dont just need sex (unlike men) , but need meaningfull sex , in terms of 2 people who love one another , and look forward to waking up to one another.

Doesn't sound like this is happening for you
was it ever like this?

It sounds like in the beginning that sex had a lot to do with your desire for one another.
This could be the underlining problem for you both.

She could feel that is the reason for you both being where you are.

You need to seriously show her how you feel and ask questions of one another , and above all DON'T Mention sex as to the reason why you finally noticed something is wrong.

If her problems lie here and your first question is "why don't we have sex often?" , then you could make the situation worse

Best of luck

~nop~

Seriously op, you're going to have to explain the situation further, as in was she always like this, has her sex drive always been low and has she always done so little?

She sounds either like she's depressed or suffering serious stress. In any case she needs to get out of the house, it sounds like she's rather losing the will to live. Personally I'd suggest running. It would give her more energy etc.

However there is also the problem of your relationship together. If you are certain your wife is not depressed etc it really is ultamatium time. You are unhappy. She is unhappy. Doesn't really sound like you make a good match.

You sound at this stage like you're starting to resent her, like without her you could be in a better job, having a better time etc. I don't want to advise you either way but you really gotta think this one through man, and discuss it with her as well, and at the end of the day if you think you're going to be better off it's then time to call it quits.

m&50

Hi there,

Just joined new to all this.
Was reading the thread "trapped" and I have to relate to you on some of those levels.
Recently in work i have been less than happy, and very seriously thinking of leaving.
Most ppl working there are great but there are a choice one / two who have pushed me to the point where I dont want to turn up any more.
I'm not sleeping well at night and can't concentrate in work........and home life is suffering badly.............To be honest, and this is just my opinion....get out of the place of work, find something less stressul and start getting life back to normal...........That's my plan, if nothing else for the sake of my health..

Hope it all works out.

Caged Animal

We had a bad row last night. On the surface because she spilt a glass of 7up all over, when things were nice and relaxed. But she blamed me for making her nervous when we were in the most relaxed state watching TV, I wasn't doing anything at all to make her nervous. Just kicked it off again and spurred her into action, she had a chat with the boss for better work hours and I sent a CV out and got in touch with someone about leaving job.
The problem is I felt very angry out of the blue last night, and even more depressed today. You see, since I last posted I meditated for a long time, and was in the most relaxed state the first part of the week..we had sex for first time in nearly 2 months a few days ago, she initiated.
A day later everything was back to the same routine, lounging on the couch etc. The meditation wore off the minute she said I made her nervous.
We know there is a problem but she seems more reluctant to anything worthwhile about it, I'd happily go to a councellor though.

Marksie

Caged Animal wrote:

We had a bad row last night. On the surface because she spilt a glass of 7up all over, when things were nice and relaxed. But she blamed me for making her nervous when we were in the most relaxed state watching TV, I wasn't doing anything at all to make her nervous. Just kicked it off again and spurred her into action, she had a chat with the boss for better work hours and I sent a CV out and got in touch with someone about leaving job.
The problem is I felt very angry out of the blue last night, and even more depressed today. You see, since I last posted I meditated for a long time, and was in the most relaxed state the first part of the week..we had sex for first time in nearly 2 months a few days ago, she initiated.
A day later everything was back to the same routine, lounging on the couch etc. The meditation wore off the minute she said I made her nervous.
We know there is a problem but she seems more reluctant to anything worthwhile about it, I'd happily go to a councellor though.

It does seem that she is nervous and defensive around you. Not knowing the exact dynamic between the two of you its hard to say whether what you perceive as not doing anything and what your wife perceives are not the same thing, particularly as it seems to be patterned behaviour.. But thats something for a counsellor to explore.

I find it interesting that you do meditative exercises, does your wife do them also? has she an interest?
If not would you consider inviting her to do them with you? It will help both you and her to go into that calm space. But more importantly it will put you in the same space together, at the same time and i close proximity

Tea drinker

Caged Animal wrote:

We had a bad row last night. On the surface because she spilt a glass of 7up all over, when things were nice and relaxed. But she blamed me for making her nervous when we were in the most relaxed state watching TV, I wasn't doing anything at all to make her nervous. Just kicked it off again and spurred her into action, she had a chat with the boss for better work hours and I sent a CV out and got in touch with someone about leaving job.
The problem is I felt very angry out of the blue last night, and even more depressed today. You see, since I last posted I meditated for a long time, and was in the most relaxed state the first part of the week..we had sex for first time in nearly 2 months a few days ago, she initiated.
A day later everything was back to the same routine, lounging on the couch etc. The meditation wore off the minute she said I made her nervous.
We know there is a problem but she seems more reluctant to anything worthwhile about it, I'd happily go to a councellor though.

Well on the one hand, with your wife it could be a case of making a scapegoat or punchbag out of you - NOW LOOK WHAT YOU MADE ME DO!
On the other hand, it could be some ham fisted attempt at attention seeking. What reasons are there for her nerves to be shot? Is it just exhaustion from overwork, poor sleeping from stress, or noise in the house? Is she boozing or taking anything other than paracetomol?
I went through a difficult period with my wife before, something like your situation. I know how hard it is/ trapped you feel/ want to pull your hair out. She was COMPLETELY overworked, and was too exhausted to do any relaxing activities. You are going to have to find things to do outside the house that you can enjoy together. I know she has made that almost impossible with her work arrangements. Why is she doing that? Without being condesceding do you need the money (is it worth it) Even getting out to the cinema is betting than sitting at home as your hobby.
I fully understand the creative side, DO NOT LET THAT SLIDE! FOR THE SAKE OF YOUR PHYSICAL AND MENTAL HEALTH DO SOMETHING!
That will make you sick FOR SURE if you can't express yourself and get some joy into your soul. Think about the things you always wanted to do, and do them. She may tag along, but it's not a requirement for you, it's okay to have your own things. Visit some nice gardens or go for a walk together, whatever, but keep your own things.
i think you will get through, but will need strength and growth from you both.

m&50

Sounds like the two of you are completely wound up, with each other and with work.
Why not suggest a holiday, just the two of you.Book some time off from your respective jobs and go have some good old fun.Looking into the new job thing is something I can personal recomened , has done wonders for me and have more free time than before.Makes a huge difference.

Failing that next step may be go talk to a professional, do you talk about this with friends?? Some times it can be a big help just to have some one to listen while you get it off your chest..

jimd2

I think that you should just go for it. If you canj get it elsewhere without her finding out then just do it. It may leave you a little less frustrated and you may not come over to her as pressurising her.

The whole not taking your name, no babies thing on top of all this makes me wary that it will ever work for you guys.

Caged Animal

Hi thank you for all your replies, when she's at work at the weekend its the only chance I get to read them properly.
She is nervous and stressed, maybe because I get angry with her out of frustration from lack of sex (maybe) due to the fact that she's stressed from work..Catch-22. She comes home from work, and just wants to slump on the couch..OK that's fine but what worries me is that on her days off she does the same frumps around because she worries about her parents, the job, everything. She "worries about worrying" (her own words) and I'd like to shake that worry out of her..I laid it on the line, everything she feels and everytime she feels stressed or bad has a negative effect on me, bigtime. Her parents are in their 70's, and the older they get the worse she gets but you can't stop the march of time. I know my own mother died a few years ago. She has to start living for the now, for the present, and not worrying non-stop about the future.
Her dis-interest is all down to that worry and stress, her nerves seem shot. Not how I look (someone said above perhaps I let myself go but that's not the case at all! Do weights and loads of walking).
On top of all that lately I feel like a sex addict. I don't know whether its the wine (I don't drink that much, 1 bottle a week) or pheromones caused by living with a female but I am always horny. And she is not. She is the opposite. I wasn't this bad before I lived with her but now I'm like a horny goat with no outlet. I look at the girls everywhere I go and I have to sort of force myself from going out too much because I'm sure I'll end up with another girl very soon indeed, flirting with every female I come across like a sex-starved animal. That is why I don't go out and meet my friends as often as I used to, I'm certain that I'd chase the first attractive girl I see.