i want to end everything

LegacyUser

i have some close friends, a few interests in which i lead ppl, i do well in college and i have a great bf.

but i cant help but feel lifes unbearable unless im with my bf or with my best friend. my bf lives away so i only see him at weekends. im in councilling because my family life is a mess with addiction, violence and agression verbally. its been like that since i was born so i didnt really know any different til the last few years.
i've been perscribed antidepression tablets since i started councilling in the last month and i know thats one step but i dont know what else i can do.
im scared of life and what waits for me. sometimes i really want to cut myself or hurt myself but im scared i'l hurt the people that care about me. i dont know what to do. i feel like a failure and weak. or im having a mental breakdown. i just dont know. im in the middle of studying for exams. i cant even seem to read now. i dont know, i want it all to end or stop. im sorry i just dont know what to do, help me

LegacyUser

OP... this is the best thing u could have done. I too had and still have periods where I recognise that I am privilaged to have what I have (roof over my head.. some fun weekends, one or two good friends and some close family) but I then think, i am nothing with out the help of others. This is where my advice to MYSELF kicks in. YOU need to LOVE YOU. corney as it sounds, your life is NOT reliant on others. If you havnt met any of these ppl then your life would have takin a diferent path but ulitmately your issues lie within your own self esteam and self worth. You need to do things that mke you proud of who you are. No matter how little they seem. Some charity work, being a good friend, good listener, taking up a new sport.

Realising how worthy your life is and how you DO serve a purpose. even if its to share your expreinces with someone else in need.

OK.. Next is positive affirmations. Telling your self '' i am worthy'' ''i love myself'' ''i am a good person'' a few time aloud. DOES work... it cant do any harm..

Talk to someone.. keep posting if this works .. best of luck

LegacyUser

My only advice would be this:
Tell someone how you feel. It's really important to talk to people when you feel like this, don't just bottle it up inside you.
Things can seem pretty bad at times, but remember they can (and will) change. Even if you don't do as well as you want in your exams, it's not the end of the world. The summer's starting soon and you'll feel a lot less pressure on you then, I guess everyone feels a bit crazy around this time of year.

Victor

cantbreathe wrote:

i've been perscribed antidepression tablets since i started councilling in the last month and i know thats one step but i dont know what else i can do.

This is a start, not the total cure. It'll take time, but you'll get there.

You should talk to the counsellor or course leader in college and explain your position. They are usually very understanding.

DublinWriter

First thing you do OP is take three-deep breaths and try and find a quiet environment in which you should sit somewhere comfortable. When seated, empty your thoughts for just a few minutes by just concentrating on the rythym of your just own breathing. This simple technique will help you relax in the short term.

Generally, what I will say to you is this: you're in the middle of exam-hell right now, so telling the wood-from-the-trees is not going to happen. You could be sucking all the pressures of your life into the pressures of your exams. Try and compartmentalise your pressures - chop them up - they are not one big amorphous blob.

You are big enough and strong enough to tackle all these problems and pressures, but not when they present themselves in one big heap.

Once you realise that they are not one big heap, try and understand that you have the short term issue of the exams to get through, then the longer term problems from your past that you mentioned.

I hope this helps.

Kell

cantbreathe wrote:

im scared of life and what waits for me.

Dont be. All of us are terrified shítless at what life may throw at us. Dont feel any less for feeling worried about where you are going, and dont be overwhelmed by it. The rest of us only look like we know what we're doing, but we dont have a clue really.

cantbreathe wrote:

sometimes i really want to cut myself or hurt myself

Please dont do that. Let the motivation for not doing it be that you are hurting the most important person in your universe. YOU. Time will teach you that nothing is worth more in your life than you. That prolly sounds v clichéd, but believe me, its the most important thing you will ever learn.

cantbreathe wrote:

i dont know what to do. i feel like a failure and weak. or im having a mental breakdown.

Its ok to not know what the fúck is going on. No one expects you to have all the answers, and neither should you. Try and be patient with yourself, even if its really fúckin difficult which it is right now. Its OK to feel weak too. You have to accept that you are tired and you cant function at 100% from time to time. No one can, and again, give yourself patience and time to allow your recovery to start.

Dont for a moment think you are a failure. You took one of the bravest steps you possibly can by asking a professional for help. You stood up and acknowledged there is a problem you cant deal with on your own. Thats really brave and you need to pat yourself on the back for that one.

cantbreathe wrote:

im in the middle of studying for exams.

Then perhaps its time to quit college and return to it when you have gotten yourself back on your feet. Too much emphasis is placed on "You must get a degree and do blah blah fúcking blah" when the only thing you should be thinking about is getting yourself back together again.

I will re-iterate. NOTHING is more important in your life than you. EVERYTHING else can take a back seart for as long as needs be until you have your life back in your hands and you love every second of it.

If the option is open to you, take yourself away from family and the things that cause you distress, and begin to take control of your life. You'll love yourself for it. Trust me.

K-

karen3212

I just wanted to say I'm sorry to hear you are feeling bad.
Like someone above said, we all feel terrified and overwhelmed. And by just posting on here you have helped let lots of other people know they are not alone.
I hope you will find someone to whom you can tell how you are feeling, just talking openly may help.
I hope you feel better about life again soon.

Marksie

cantbreathe wrote:

i have some close friends, a few interests in which i lead ppl, i do well in college and i have a great bf.

but i cant help but feel lifes unbearable unless im with my bf or with my best friend. my bf lives away so i only see him at weekends. im in councilling because my family life is a mess with addiction, violence and agression verbally. its been like that since i was born so i didnt really know any different til the last few years.
i've been perscribed antidepression tablets since i started councilling in the last month and i know thats one step but i dont know what else i can do.
im scared of life and what waits for me.

The tablets are a start, did your counsellor say whether they would be for the short term or the long term? Something to help for the moment while you find your footing?
The act of going to counselling and taking these first steps is a very positive thing.
But you do have positives in your life, your boyfriend and your friends.

It IS alright to be scared as you are going into uncharted territory. The poster who talked about learning to love yourself made very good points.

It is important for you to understand that as you are beginning to untangle all the negativity it will open things for you that you had effectively kept a lid on.

Yes its scarey, but ultimately it will be worth the effort. It is a truism that all you need to fear is fear itself. In your case it is finding out who you are and where you are going. Talk to your boyfriend, from what you are saying he will be there to give you the support you need to keep you going, talk to your friends. If you keep being open about things they will understand where you are coming from, what moods you may be suffering but also it will help you to continue with the process.

It is also initially a slow process this alteration of your self view. But will accelerate as things become clearer to you.
In the end, one strong possibility id to plan to move out of the famiily situation that is causing so much hurt. But that is a step for when you are strong enough in and of yourself.

cantbreathe wrote:

sometimes i really want to cut myself or hurt myself but im scared i'l hurt the people that care about me.

I was with someone who did that. As she explained it she was externalising fear inside, showing to the world in the only way she knew how that she was hurting. Even though i wasnt on the scene at the time the self harm occurred, it did hurt to see it.
But you dont have another way of expressing do you? you have taken the first steps..so begin to release in your counselling sessions. Dont fight or force it.

cantbreathe wrote:

dont know what to do. i feel like a failure and weak. or im having a mental breakdown. i just dont know. im in the middle of studying for exams. i cant even seem to read now. i dont know, i want it all to end or stop. im sorry i just dont know what to do, help me

You don't know what to do because the process has just started. It needs time to begin to open to it.
You are excatly the opposite from being a failiure or weak. It takes strength to admit you have issues, strength to do something about it and courage to seek help from whatever source.

You will turn this around over time. But in time you will realise how strong you actually are. It will end and stop.. eventually and it will be due to your inner strength and self-worth.

Your exams willl be over soon, they can be re-taken if necessary and are not the whole of life, far from it. YOU are what is important.

I wish you all the best in the world