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Words (a poem)

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  • 21-04-2007 12:44am
    #1
    Insect Overlord
    Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 30,858 Mod ✭✭✭✭


    Flowing from my fingertips
    Like flowers growing in a bed,
    Some with petals, others thorns,
    Calling bees and butterflies
    To bask in soft colours
    Or to hide in the leafy shadows.





    Wrote this about 2 months ago, edited it a bit today, still not 100% satisfied with it so let me know what you think people! :)


Comments

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    #2
    Rozabeez
    Closed Accounts Posts: 9,878 ✭✭✭Rozabeez


    I like this one a lot.


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    #3
    shiv
    Closed Accounts Posts: 408 ✭✭shiv


    Hey An Fhile,

    I think you could replace 'growing' with something stronger and lose the third line altogether. I think the last three lines are best and I like the brevity! :)


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    #4
    Insect Overlord
    Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 30,858 Mod ✭✭✭✭Insect Overlord


    shiv wrote:
    I think you could replace 'growing' with something stronger and lose the third line altogether. I think the last three lines are best and I like the brevity! :)


    I only really had the third line in for visual balance as I was writing, it just seemed better with two sets of three lines, so I agree it doesn't really work as it is. The "petals" and "thorns" were supposed to be metaphorical but again I can see how they don't really work. With regards to "growing", I'll start searching my thesaurus this weekend! ;)

    Thanks for the constructive criticism. :)


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    #5
    Black Swan
    Moderators, Category Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 47,220 CMod ✭✭✭✭Black Swan


    An Fhile wrote:
    Wrote this about 2 months ago, edited it a bit today, still not 100% satisfied with it so let me know what you think people! :)
    More!


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